WHAT IS THE INTERNET, EVEN? I work for it, and I can't answer this question.

While we've previously discussed the proud legacy of the bronies, a.k.a. bros who like My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (who counts Andrew W.K. among their ranks), there's something to be said for the Internet's infamous Rule 34: if it exists, there's doubtlessly a sexual fetish for it.

A man who refers to himself as the "fiancé" of purple pony Twilight Sparkle has contacted a user by the handle of Kevinsano on the online forum Deviant Art to stop drawing his pony-fiance in degrading sexual situations. It's the oldest story in the world: two men who, under slightly different circumstances might have been the best of friends thanks to one major shared interest, find themselves battling for the affection of the cartoon pony they both fantasize about fucking. It's how the Trojan War started, in fact.

In an email published in full, Mr. Sparkle (who enjoys taking his plush Twilight Sparkle on dates to "movies" and "vegetarian restaurants") writes:

"Don't get me wrong here. This isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Twilight is just as faithful to me as I am to her... she's very real to me and I know she's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. What bothers me is that in all these [...] images, Twilight is always depicted as if she was your sexual plaything. [...] Twiley is a sweet and fairly vanilla little mare who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and she definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a collar, getting sodomized and having her face ejaculated on. She's not into that kinda stuff."

I smell a Madonna/whore/cartoon pony complex. In conclusion, Mr. Sparkle:

"would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your clop artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented pony art as gifts) draw some pony other than Twilight Sparkle for you."

Friendship is NOT magic.

'The Internet finally reaches its apex as man marrying My Little Pony character writes angry email to erotic pony artist' [The A.V. Club]

Ooookay. You've got questions, I've got answers.

Who is Silvio Berlusconi?
Where have you been? He's the 76-year-old former Italian Prime Minister who recently became engaged to his totally age-appropriate twenty-seven year old girlfriend. (Sorry, ladies.) He totally corrupt. He has most recently been known for hosting "bunga-bunga" parties with "bunga-bunga girls."

What the fuck is a 'bunga-bunga'?
It's basically a hedonistic sex party with a bunch of women, and also, basically all women are bunga-bunga women "by nature." Did you know that? As in: you, me, Barbara Walters, your sixth grade teacher, like everyone.

Where is this ad from?
India. Also, the copy reads: "Leave your worries behind."

Did Ford actually approve this shit?
No, but they knew that they were out there. An agency called JWT out of New Delhi created the ads, according to BuzzFeed, and posted it to the website Ads of The World without getting approval from Ford.

WPP Group, under which JWT operates, has released a statement of apology on Business Insider:

"We deeply regret the publishing of posters that were distasteful and contrary to the standards of professionalism and decency within WPP Group. These were never intended for paid publication and should never have been created, let alone uploaded to the internet."

As well as Ford itself:

"We deeply regret this incident and agree with our agency partners that it should have never happened. The posters are contrary to the standards of professionalism and decency within Ford and our agency partners. Together with our partners, we are reviewing approval and oversight processes to help ensure nothing like this ever happens again."

I've never even driven a Ford Figo, have you?
No, I never heard of it. But nothing sells a mediocre car like intimating that you'll be able to fit three crying, bound, gagged women in the back, right?

According to an article in the journal Clinical Chemistry and Laboratory Medicine (CLLM), the majority of medical research on unisex diseases done over the last 40 years focused solely on male patients. However, in plumbing the field of what they've termed "gender medicine," a study out of Padua Hospital University finds that there are five major areas in which disease differs by gender: cardiovascular disease, cancer, liver diseases, osteoporosis, and pharmacology.

While a constricted chest and pain that radiates through the left arm are standard signs of heart attack in men, in women the usual symptoms are nausea and lower abdominal pain. Although heart attacks in women are more severe and complicated, when complaining of these non-specific symptoms women often do not receive the necessary examination procedures, such as an ECG , enzyme diagnostic tests or coronary angiography.

It certainly doesn't help that there are plenty of sex-biased doctors who assume that a woman who presents with these "non-specific symptoms" is a hysteric or a hypochondriac. Coooool.

Additionally, the study reports that gender has an impact on the patient's response to chemotherapy, colon tumors are located in a different area in women than men, and women suffer from the disease later in life. It's not just women who are at a disadvantage for the arbitrary assignment of diseases along gendered lines. Because osteoporosis is largely considered a "female" disease since it strikes a high number of women, male sufferers are often overlooked, and those who incur bone fractures have a higher mortality rate.

[EurekaAlert.org via The Atlantic Wire]

Image via Andrii Muzyka/Shutterstock

Detailed view of the shirt of Tom Lineham of Hull during the Super League match between London Broncos and Hull at Twickenham Stoop on March 23, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben Hoskins/Getty Images)

Oh, man. Maybe I have PMS or allergies or Mad Cow Disease or something, but of all the Morning/Afternoon Cries lately, this one reaaaally does it for me.

10-year-old Manteo, North Carolina resident Wendell Overton had seen the black and white stray cat around his neighborhood before. On March 12th, he came across a bunch of shithead kids from aged 5 to 13 torturing the cat: threw him into the air, ran over him with their bikes and squirted energy drinks in his face.

He shooed the boys away and took the cat home to his mom, who called the Outer Banks SPCA and later tearily told the news: "He said, 'Mom, this cat is going to die. We need to save it.' [...] I'm glad I raised him so well." Says Wendell: "She taught me how to care about cats, take care of animals and do the right thing." GAHH, WEEPING.

The SPCA worker interviewed also shed a tear or two. "It's truly amazing, and he's a hero in my book."

As for Jackson (the cat), he is recovering well and will soon be available for adoption. (Anyone in North Carolina want a cat?)

A picture from the Outer Banks SPCA's Facebook page:

And a local news video:

The children! They're the future!

'Wendell Overton, 10, Saves Jackson The Cat From Group Of Bullies (PHOTOS, VIDEO)' [HuffPo]

Saudi Arabian former computer security consultant Manal al-Sharif, arguably the most public face of those who oppose the Saudi female driving ban, got behind the wheel of a car in May of 2011 when she realized that nobody was taking action against the ban. al-Sharif's friend filmed that drive with an iPhone, put it on YouTube and watched it go viral almost immediately.

She speaks to the Wall Street Journal:

"'You know when you have a bird, and it's been in a cage all its life? When you open the cage door, it doesn't want to leave. It was that moment. [...] The opponents were saying that 'there are wolves in the street, and they will rape you if you drive.' There needed to be one person who could break that wall, to make the others understand that 'it's OK, you can drive in the street. No one will rape you.'"

Less than a week later, she drove again and was arrested by the an officer by the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice. She asked the arresting officer what law she broke. "You didn't break any law, you violated orf. (Custom.)

"Women's rights are nothing but a part of the bigger picture, which is human rights. Women are trusted with the lives of their kids, even serve as teachers and doctors, but they aren't trusted with their own lives."

During her childhood in a conservative Muslim family, al-Sharif saw the oppressive culture consume the lives of the adults around her: her aunt, who used to wear bright clothes and jewelry until she began to "listen to these fundamentalist lectures and cry, saying 'it's haram to show your face.' She cried and changed everything about herself."

"When I was a kid they sent brochures all around the country, with the names of the women and their house numbers, encouraging people to call them and tell them to come back to Islam. "They said these women had sex with American troops. They said they took off their hijabs and burned them."

Despite al-Sharif and her peers' efforts, not much of the big picture has changed. A visit to Saudi and Gulf officials by John Kerry earlier this month left al-Sharif frustrated. "He just praised Saudi Arabia for appointing 30 women to the unelected Shura council [which is] a fake body anyway, a powerless body. You can't praise something that's not tangible, that's merely a cosmetic change."

And back in November a tracking device on the kingdom's women was instituted to ensure that their husbands know if they attempt to leave the country.

'Manal al-Sharif: The Woman Who Dared to Drive' [WSJ]

"Most of what I do... has a grounding in education."

Since SNL's a rerun tonight, I made the executive decision that what we all needed today was this clip from the verrrrry underrated Australian mockumentary Summer Heights High. If you're unfamiliar, click above, let it ride, and then watch it all this weekend without leaving your house. Because it's gonna happen.

Have a good Saturday night!

Yo, Helen Mirren! Can I watch you have a cognac and take notes on how to be a woman? K thanks. During her speech after receiving her Legend Award at the Empire Movie Awards last night, Mirren drew attention to fellow award recipient Sam Mendes' sausage-fest of thank yous and inspirations. (Specifically: PT Anderson, François Truffaut, Martin Scorsese and Ingmar Bergman.)

"I don't want to unduly pick on Sam Mendes, but when he spoke about his inspirations earlier this evening, I'm afraid not a single one of the people he mentioned was a woman.

"Hopefully in five or ten years, when Sam's successor is collecting their Inspiration Award, the list will be slightly more balanced in terms of its sexual make-up. In the meantime, this one is for the girls."

[Express UK]

So the Kids Choice Awards happened. SLIME ROUNDUP: Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris got slimed. Kristen Stewart received some secondhand slime from their hug. Josh Hutcherson and Amanda Seyfried got slimed. Slime shot rather pornographically out of a pommel horse. This happened. (That's Nick Cannon and Josh Duhamel in the sumo outfits.)

Johnny Depp unsurprisingly avoided slime, and also I bet he came out from that weird "exclusive" side door of the stage to get his award like a fucking Doosh, as usual. [CBS]

K-Stew sat on Katy Perry's lap. [Hollywood Life]

After HBO's Beyoncéumentary Life Is But a Dream noted the much-publicized professional and personal split between Bey and her dad/manager Mathew Knowles, he's decided to speak on the issue for one of the first times ever. Mostly to emphasize that she didn't shit-can him.

"I've never revealed this much in an interview before. Normally I hate to talk about anything personal, but it would be a lie if I did not say it has been difficult.

It was hard for me to let her go - it was hard for both of us to let each other go. And let's be clear on that. She didn't let me go, we both let each other go. That's a big difference. This was not a normal ending of a business agreement. This was a dad and a daughter and it was incredibly painful and it had some difficulties.

But I try to always have a positive mind about things and you got to do it the right way."

Rumors that he still hasn't met Blue Ivy remain unconfirmed (but, let's be honest, pretty likely). [The Sun via Bossip]

After two (2) cheek piercings, one (1) wig, one (1) incident of sitting in a Baja Fresh parking lot smoking weed, a grillion (1 grillion) DUIs, and one Tweet asking Drake to slaughter her pudendum, Amanda Bynes' parents are "ready to step in if needed." Fucking "if." [NYDN]

Sandra Bullock's ex-husband and possible former Neo-Nazi fucker Jesse James married a drag racer named Alex Dejoria yesterday in Malibu. Both of their daughters (9 and 10 respectively) were flower girls at the wedding. Which is admittedly cute. [People]

• Isla Fisher's writing a screenplay with her mom. Cuteeee. [Express]
• Someone sent Jared Leto an ear in the mail. (For Jordan Catalano? Maybe. For 30 Seconds To Mars? Keep your ear.) [NME]
• Louis Tomlinson is emerging as my personal favorite baby carrot in One Direction — he Tweeted "fuck you" at a tabloid after it ran some quotes from his estranged father about a possible reunion. [Daily Mail]
• Lockdown rehab definitely isn't real. Lindsay Lohan is actually gonna be One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nesting in the back of a Poughkeepsie White Castle for the next 90 days. [TMZ]
• Also: she's still drinking, but now she's ordering vodka in a glass carafe so nobody'll get a shot of liquor bottles at her table. [TMZ]
• Yuuuup so Madonna's unrecognizable. [NYDN]
• Tim Tebow will be in a Jesus-themed movie next year. [TMZ]
• Ahhh Blue Ivy and her tiny Timberlands are killing me and now I'm dead. [Bossip]
• Kate Upton might be too busy to go to prom with that kid but she likes the idea of picking out a dress. [People]
• Matt Lauer almost went to ABC after hearing rumors that Ryan Seacrest might be tapped to replace him on Today. [People]
• Candace Bushnell stuck up for The Carrie Diaries. [The Daily Beast]
• George Clooney and Matt Damon had a snowball fight. [People]
• Emma Stone without makeup looks like Emma Stone. [Daily Mail]
• Snooki's son Lorenzo got baptized. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian stuck a bunch of needles in her face. [Daily Mail]
• Micro-cat named Mr. Peebles. Photoshop job or tiny cat is truth? You decide. [This tiny cat]

After Sarah Jessica Parker called the AnnaSophia Robb-starring Sex and The City prequel The Carrie Diaries "odd," money-making enthusiast MAJOR Carrie Diaries fan Candace Bushnell hit back at SJP for being an old cronehag who doesn't understand how the world works.

"The reality is, that's showbiz. Sarah Jessica's first part was somebody else's part. She played Annie on Broadway. Look, Sarah Jessica Parker is 47. I think with the second movie, Carrie Bradshaw couldn't be an ingenue anymore. But I think they were stuck doing what the audience wanted. Realistically, a middle-aged woman who was married without children would be much more focused on her career and less focused on this Mr. Big: ‘Does he love me?' ... ‘Does he still not love me?' I mean, I think it was coming to the end of what they could do with the character."

Okay, so no Sex and The City 3: The Things They Carried. But what if you had your druthers, Candace?

"If it were up to me, the second movie would have been Carrie Bradshaw decides to run for mayor and Samantha helps her."

Right. [The Daily Beast]

Women like Rihanna shouldn't have to owe their fans jack shit in terms of their "lifestyle," says Rosario Dawson:

"I don't think individual women do have a responsibility [to set an example for others]. Often they are working within a certain dynamic. Take Rihanna. To put all that responsibility on one woman is outrageous. I don't think we should engage with that 'should and shouldn't do', 'should and shouldn't wear' and 'should and shouldn't look like'. We don't do that with men."

[Winnipeg Free Press]

James Franco attempted to parse out the Hatha-Hate Wave of 2013 with Howard Stern on Sirius XM Radio (Franco acquiesces: "She does not want me talking about this, but okay.") Stern suggests that people dislike Anne Hathaway for, well, all the reasons people dislike Anne Hathaway, and Franco — who co-hosted the Oscars with Hathaway in the halcyon days before Seth MacFarlanegate — agrees.

"We haven't talked in awhile. It was a really hard time after the Oscars. She wasn't mad at me, I don't think... she didn't say she was mad at me for what happened. The critics were so nasty. [But] Anne and I made up. Let's just get that on the record."

Stern also brings up Franco's rumored sexual rejection of Lindsay Lohan. He squirms. "I don't want to like brag about it. I don't know how that got out. She was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I've met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don't want to do that." [Us Weekly]

In Interview Magazine, A$AP Rocky tells Alexander Wang that rap's shaken off its homophobic undertones.

"One big issue in hip-hop is the gay thing. It's 2013, and it's a shame that, to this day, that topic still gets people all excited. It's crazy. And it makes me upset that this topic even matters when it comes to hip-hop, because it makes it seem like everybody in hip-hop is small-minded or stupid - and that's not the case.

We've got people like Jay-Z. We've got people like Kanye. We've got people like me. We're all prime examples of people who don't think like that. I treat everybody equal, and so I want to be sure that my listeners and my followers do the same if they're gonna represent me. And if I'm gonna represent them, then I also want to do it in a good way."

[NYDN]

The dude that jacked Bryan Cranston's car in Albuquerque last year and stole a Breaking Bad script, as well as an iPad and miscellaneous personal items, was finally arrested, and no spoilers were to be had, thank God. [USA Today]

• The real reason David Letterman famously banned Harmony Korine from The Late Show after a few clearly drug-influenced appearances on the show in the mid '90s is that he caught the dude going through Meryl Streep's purse in the green room. [Vulture]
• One of the men involved in the Joss Stone murder plot trial was previously diagnosed with schizophrenia. [E!]
• Shaquille O'Neal's former mistress Vanessa Lopez has tacked even more charges onto the 2010 lawsuit against him. [Radar Online]
• John Mayer maybe dated Katy Perry because she's more famouser than him. (Is she, actually?) [411mania]
• Hayden Panettiere and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko sucked face at a Miami Heat game. [TMZ]
• Lady Sybil totally regrets a topless scene she did in 2001. [Daily Mail]
• Isla Fisher on her marriage to Sacha Baron Cohen: "It's definitely not a normal relationship. You know, there have been times in the past with the guerrilla style film making of Borat and Bruno where there were surreal conversations: ‘How many people are suing us? Are you wanted in any states? Are you alive?'" [Express UK]
• Debra Messing and Debra Messing's hideous Smash scarves will star in a new CBS pilot about a woman who lies all the time. [Deadline]
• Speaking of Smash, don't ask Katharine McPhee about it, because she refuses to discuss it, period, now get me a latte. [NYDN]
• Tori Spelling was grossed out by Scott Disick's alligator hunting. [News.com.au]
• Hova is planning a "gentlemen's club" backstage on his Justin Timberlake tour, even hiring a cigar expert to come on board. [The Sun]
• The Timberbiels hung out separately with friends in Vegas and Jessica outlasted Justin. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan got to the Anger Management set on time and was a consummate professional, supposedly. [TMZ]
• Umm, they have "Spray Tan Sundays" on Dancing With The Stars! Wanna go? [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow's opening a blow-dry bar. [People]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal got a cute-ass pixie cut. [People]
• Justin Theroux expounds in Maxim about how he likes tight pants zZZzzzzzz. [Us Weekly]
• LeAnn Rimes picked up her stepson Jake at Little League in black booty shorts. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian actually sounds like a human being:

  "There are maybe two or three covers just this week that say I am 200 pounds. I'm like, 'You are 60 pounds off here' ... It wouldn't even bother me if I gained all the weight... I'm waiting for the moments when someone's like, ‘Let's go to McDonald's and Taco Bell!' That's not happening for me and I'm kind of sad about it. [...] I'm not going to lie and be like, ‘Oh, it's been amazing and I've adjusted great.' At the beginning it was tough for me when your body changes so much… but once you kind of grasp that and embrace it... it's amazing."

  [Page Six, NYDN]

• Will Smith turned down the lead in Django Unchained because it wasn't the REAL lead (he says that was Christoph Waltz's part.) Welcome to Earf. [NYDN]
• Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth's wedding is back on after he told her to "grow up." (P.S. The new definition of adult behavior is this.) [Radar Online]
• Ashley Greene was a shitty tenant before her condo burned down, I guess. [The Hollywood Gossip]
• This picture of Maxwell Simpson. [VH1]

Justin Bieber and the stache he is (jokingly?) attempting to "grow out" has been accused of battery after a confrontation with one of his Calabasas neighbors (let's just call him Mr. Wilson) yesterday. Early Tuesday morning, Bieber had a new Ferrari delivered and spent the wee hours tooling (loudly) around his hood in it. This happens regularly.

Justin Bieber is a menace on wheels, driving at speeds approaching 100 mph in his quiet neighborhood and endangering children and dogs ... this according to multiple residents.

Mr. Wilson, already steamed up by the raucous parties thrown in Casa del Beebs while Justin was in Europe, marched over there and they screamed at each other. He's now alleging that Bieber made physical contact with him — maybe charged and head-butted him with that spiky-ass hat? — and threatened him. However, Bieber's team is saying that he only told Mr. Wilson to get off his property. [TMZ, TMZ]

Also, on his way home, El Beebo took his shirt off in a Polish airport, like humans do. I ALWAYS show one of my tits to the Auntie Anne's pretzel lady at JFK as like a pre-flying "good luck" thing. [NYDN]

A song of ice and fire and Jon Hamm's penis.

Jon Hamm was indignant in Rolling Stone about its ever-growing popularity on the Internet (for which we are part of the problem).

"Most of it's tongue-in-cheek, but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have - a prurience. They're called 'privates' for a reason. I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. When people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel that wasn't part of the deal… but whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite." [Us Weekly, The Daily Beast]

17-year-old Kendall Jenner, one of the Kardashian: Next Generationers, talked to Harper's Bazaar Arabia about her weight and how hard it is to be Kendall Jenner and shit.

"I'm constantly criticized for being too skinny. I'm trying to gain weight but my body won't let it happen. What people don't understand is that calling someone too skinny is the same as calling someone too fat. It's not a nice feeling."

She adds that reality show's answer to Mama Rose, Kris Jenner, does "push" her but ultimately everything is her decision. Which is PRECISELY the answer Kris Jenner fed her before the interview, I am certain. [Gossip Cop]

Meanwhile, the Kardashians are considering suing advertising graphic design company JWT India for their Ford Figo ad mockup featuring the sisters bound and gagged in a trunk with Paris Hilton at the wheel (another version featured Berlusconi and three bunga-bunga girls). [Page Six]

NBC has poked Vanderbilt Silverfox Anderson Cooper about maybe replacing Matt Lauer on Today after the latter's $25 million contract expires next year. Apparently "news execs even went to Lauer to bless their choice, but their high-priced anchor expressed some disapproval." What a dillweed. Right? [Entertainment Weekly]

Chris Brown talked to Ryan Seacrest about That Thing That Happened In 2009, Have You Heard About That Thing?

"Being at that young age, I can tell you I was arrogant and definitely hotheaded. Everybody has a temper, but for me, it was not knowing how to control it when I thought I had the world in my hands. tried my best to be the best man I could be over the years and show her how remorseful and sorry I was for the incident. [...] You can lose it all. And I'm not just saying fame or stardom, because that's not what it's about. I'm talking about dignity, integrity. You know, you lose yourself in a way."

He'll also never be too ROMANTIC with Rihanna because that's totally lame: "It's still like we're kids. I try not to be too grown and be like 'Let's have candlelight dinner every night.' I try to make sure everything is fun. It has to be fun, and it has to be genuine." [NYDN]

They're going out on that fuckyacht again soon, and officially combining posses this time. [The Sun]

• Amanda Bynes felt "pudgy" yesterday, which pretty clearly is the least of her problems. :-| [NYDN]
• Cops bum-rushed Whitney Houston's sister-in-law Pat after she posted an alarming, suicide-y message to Facebook. (Turns out she was only taking back meds and turning her phone off for the night.) [TMZ]
• Sofia Vergara went blonde. [People]
• Karen Black needs money to help fund her cancer treatment. The donation website her husband sent up lives here. [People]
• Salt-of-the-earth Erryman Kanye West might actually, no joke, for reals name his next album I Am God. [Page Six]
• Shia LaBeouf hurt his foot in kickboxing class. [Page Six]
• Uhhh, Fergie and Josh Duhamel wore the same baby-bump-sheathing dress? At the Kids Choice Awards? At any point, did kids actually choose this? [E!]
• Tween drama Pretty Little Liars is getting a spinoff called Ravenswood. [Gossip Cop]
• Looks like the residuals from My Best Friend's Wedding finally ran out: Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy. [NYDN]
• Like so many other twenty-something hipster couples in the midst of a relationship crisis, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are going on a European road trip. Dude: Be the currency euros, dollars, yen, or VHS tapes of mediocre '80s thrillers, y'all need to break up. [The Sun]
• And and AND the two are looking to star in a rom-com together. [Entertainmentwise]
• Madonna is officially a billionare. (She was like a DOLLAR short so I just gave it to her last time I saw her.) [Page Six]
• Angelina Jolie went outside with a wedding band and now everyone thinks that she and Brad Pitt may have gotten secretmarried. [Express]
• Hayden Panettiere may be engaged to Wladimir Klitschko, but don't tell anyone. [Us Weekly]
• Lindsay Lohan showed up late and "looked and sounded terrible" on the second day of her Anger Management cameo shoot. [NYDN]
• Kordell Stewart has filed for divorce from Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Williams. [TMZ]
• If you were feeling particularly good about love today, stop: Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie InsaneSteroids from Jersey Shore are still doing the co-dependent semi-abusive softshoe they call a "relationship." [Us Weekly]
• More on love. [What even is this]

Lindsay Lohan — who has somehow managed to convince grown-ass adult law officials who are not her parents that she shouldnnnn't have to go to rehab until after Coachellaaaaa, that would be SOOO unfaiiiiiir! — is spending her last few days of freedom hanging out with her boyfriend, musician Avi Snow (Says Snow boyfriend-in-a-bandishly: "She's really awesome, and she's a lot of fun. I would definitely call her one of our biggest supporters.")

Oh, and she's friends with Kristen Stewart, Our Lady of Eternal Mope now, according to "a source" who was I guess lurking in the doorway Downton Abbey-style.

"They met through one of Lindsay's friends who also knows Kristen. Lindsay was invited up to Kristen's house last week, and they hung out with Robert Pattinson, who was back from filming in Australia. [...] Lindsay and Kristen discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi."

Verdict: Awesome and a lot of fun. [Page Six, E!]

K-Stew is "too clingy," says six degrees of R-Patz. [Radar Online]

Yesterday morning Today Show anchor Jenna Wolfe came out as gay on-air. Specifically, she announced that she was pregnant and expecting a daughter with her girlfriend, fellow NBC journalist and foreign correspondent Stephanie Gosk, in August.

Considering the first thing that comes up after you type "jenna wolfe" into Google is "boyfriend," she hasn't discussed her private life much on the show before. And here's a really great blog post she wrote about it.

Just writing those words — 'I'm pregnant' — is surreal to me," she continued. "After all, I was never the kid that ran around playing house. I never had daydreams about being a mom and raising a family...As a kid, I would have chosen raising my adrenaline over raising children any day of the week. But then a funny thing happened on my way to adulthood...I grew up."

[Us Weekly]

Prince William is leaving the Royal Air Force after his current tour as a helicopter pilot ends in July (around when Kate Middleton's slated to pop out that kid you may not know about since no popular news outlets discuss it). Coincidentally, he appears in a documentary on the RAF called Helicopter Rescue to premiere its second season on April 8th, and says:

"There's no greater feeling than when you've actually done some good and saved someone's life. I don't think there's any greater calling in life … to be able to see a son or daughter's face when you bring their mother or father back from the edge of death – it's quite powerful."

An even greater feeling: quitting a job. [People, Us Weekly]

The tornado in drop crotch pants we call Justin Bieber insists that he neither spit at nor threatened to kill his neighbor when the poor guy confronted El Beebs about neighborhood menace. He denies that his recent acting-up are the warning signals of a meltdown: "I'm young and I make mistakes. That's part of growing up. I mess up sometimes. It's part of growing up." [Us Weekly, TMZ]

• Anne Hathaway's mad at James Franco for talking about their beefs the other day. [Radar Online]
• Faye Resnick is leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [Radar Online]
• Maria Shriver hasn't taken her Christmas lights down yet. [TMZ]
• Matt Lauer's actually cool with Anderson Cooper replacing him on Today. [TMZ]
• Natalia from Girls/Liz from Roswell/Shiri Appleby had a baby girl. [Us Weekly]
• Amanda Bynes wandered around Times Square with a shirt over her face. (I wonder if she got shaken down by Cookie Monster, Woody and Strawberry Shortcake like I did last time I was there? AVOID TIMES SQUARE, YOU GUYS.) [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian's biracial friends talked to her about the challenges her kid will likely face. [Us Weekly]
• Kourtney Kardashian's former fling, a model named Michael Girgenti, says he may be little Mason's biological father. [NYDN]
• Tara Reid dressed up and did full makeup like The Hunger Games' Effie Trinket to be in some movie that's not The Hunger Games. [NYDN]
• Lady Gaga rolled (literally, she's still in that insane gold wheelchair) into an Italian restaurant in Chicago to have a birthday dinner with Taylor Kinney. [Page Six]
• This friendship/collab between Jerry Seinfeld and Wale is the best thing. [Page Six]
• Sean Penn's son Hopper is totally sorry he yelled racial slurs at a photographer. [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus totally didn't go on a date with Nick Jonas, y'all, says Miley Cyrus. [Hollywood Life]
• When Kirsten Dunst was the teeny-tiny star of Interview With The Vampire, she said she thought kissing Brad Pitt was "disgusting." [Bullett]
• Here is Lily Cole topless in a Yeah Yeah Yeahs music video. [NYDN]
• Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde went to Disneyland. [Gossip Cop]
• Desolate about Ryan Gosling's hiatus from acting? Call the bereavement hotline for quotes from Little Goose. [ABC News]
• Diddy leads the pack of wealthiest hip-hop artists at an estimated $580 million worth. [Entertainment Weekly]

According to a cover interview she just did with the U.K. magazine Fabulous, Jennifer Lawrence apparently isn't as into her myriad Jennifer Lawrence-isms as we are. Her family's keeping her feet on the ground ("My family is not the kind of family that would ever let me turn into an asshole or anything like that, so I'm fortunate to have them"), and she doesn't like doing public appearances as herself.

"I'm afraid I'm going to go my whole life being scared like a chihuahua. It's not my comfort zone. Making movies is where I belong. I shouldn't be heard just talking. So, when I'm doing movies, I'm really happy. That's where I'm comfortable, that's my home. When you put me on a red carpet or on a stage, I turn into chihuahua Jennifer. I have no control over what comes out of my mouth. I would probably turn into a mute if I read what I said."

Oh, come on, even Jennifer Lawrence has to admit that Jack Nicholson post-Oscars repartee was beautiful. A moment later, she's back in full form pontificating on ghosts versus burglars.

"I actually get comforted when I feel like there might be a burglar in my house, like, 'There's a real person that might be breaking into my house, it's not a ghost, that's a relief.

[Us Weekly, Today]

Lest we forget the intense Method acting skills of Taylor Swift, America's Blonde Love Unicorn will appear on the season finale of The New Girl as Elaine, an "important guest" Cece's wedding to Shrivrang. Can we handle this much adorkability? Does the word "adorkability" still make you cringe? Good, I'm not alone. Anyway, she'll probs sing. I'm just in it for Max Greenfield. [Vulture, L.A. Times]

Ashlee Simpson's been partying a lot and the Simpsons, especially Marge Tina, are concerned.

"Tina's asked Jessica to look out for Ashlee and make sure she doesn't start partying too hard once again. With Jessica focusing on her second pregnancy, she's a calming influence on Ashlee because she doesn't want to go out on the town.

Instead, she prefers family nights in relaxing and has encouraged Ashlee to join them when they are all together, which she has been doing. However, Tina has told Jessica to keep an eye on the situation, just like she is, to see if Ashlee falls back into her bad old ways again - only time will tell."

What does a Simpson family night entail? A hearty game of Boggle, maybe? Not quite as fun as doing five tequila shooters at a bar and, say, making out with a random Georgian man (the country, not the state), but whatever's best for Ashlee. [Radar Online]

Jessica Simpson is pregnant, wore a T-shirt, and that them's the news. [Us Weekly]

Jersey Shore's JWoww has been cast on One Life to Live. So far she has already actual-slapped a co-star when it called for a stage slap. [Today]

• Here are some pictures of the remnants of Justin Bieber's house party. [TMZ]
• And the wife of the neighbor Bieber allegedly spit on calls him a "punk." [TMZ]
• Beebs just went to visit his ex Selena Gomez. [NYDN]
• Beebs' mom Pattie Mallette: "Of course I pray for him [but] I can't really speak to how he handles that part of his life." So many problems with that sentence! :D [NYDN]
• Katharine McPhee changed her hair. [Us Weekly]
• The father of Jenna Wolfe's baby isn't Matt Lauer or Lester Holt. [NYDN]
• Sarah Chalke will appear on Grey's Anatomy as a woman whose son has Kawasaki disease (which her real-life son suffers from). [People]
• This video of paparazzi waiting for Kim Kardashian to leave her hotel room will give you bad chills. [The Life Files]
• Barbara Walters might be retiring in 2014. [Us Weekly]
• Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo are in talks to do a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reboot. [Variety]
• SCANDAL: Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple is allowed one Coke and a handful of Hot Cheetos per week. [Us Weekly]
• Mary-Kate Olsen is making Olivier Sarkozy hold on that wedding proposal. [Us Weekly]
• If you were curious about Lindsay Lohan's newest tattoo, she got it during a "private, secret spiritual ceremony" with a friend. [Page Six]
• Jeremy Irons' son Max is insanely attractive. I DECIDE WHAT IS NEWS HERE. [Page Six]
• Brangelina didn't get secretmarried, says Angelina Jolie. [Page Six]
• Ireland Baldwin Tumbld (Tumblr'd?) a bikini picture. [Page Six]
• Brendan Fraser is broke and threw his back out recently. [Radar Online]
• Holy shit, Gordon from Sesame Street is a douchebag. [Page Six]

The same week it's been reported that Madonna's net worth is about $1 billion bones, someone's dug up one of Madge's eight siblings, Anthony Ciconne, a homeless alcoholic who's been living on the streets of Traverse City, Michigan for the last three years and basically drinking himself to death.

"Madonna doesn't give a shit if I'm dead or alive. She lives in her own world.
'I never loved her in the first place, she never loved me. We never loved each other. No family back up, when the chips fell, no family back-up... What would you do under these circumstance when your family has stood against you completely?"

Ciconne, who after a number of rehab stints paid for by Madonna refuses to go back ("I'm a human being, you can call me what you want. [Alcoholic] is a label, I don't like it. I don't need brain surgery, I merely need love and care of family and friends") was fired from his father and stepmother's vineyard in Michigan after repeatedly sneaking into the cellars, lying on the floor and swigging from bottles. He says:

"Evidently various people have been pestering [Madonna] about matters of neglect regarding family and such. I think she's probably a little bit pissed off with me for even troubling her. But I've never asked my sister for anything. She don't owe me nothing. That's her shit, man, she made her money, she worked for it, I've got no beef. If she wants to live that way, that's her thing."

Sad. [Daily Mail, NYDN]

• Mamie Gummer and her Broadway actor/super-tall beefcake husband Benjamin Walker are divorcing. [Us Weekly]
• The L.A. County Sheriff's recommending prosecution for neighborhood menace Justin Bieber. [TMZ]
• Also, German customs took away El Beebo's pet monkey Mally and he flipped out. [Metro]
• Lindsay Lohan supposedly stole a bunch of shit from the set of Anger Management, but she says the wardrobe woman OK'ed it and it would just be taken out of her salary. [TMZ]
• Ric Flair's (the man Will Ferrell based his Eastbound and Down character Ashley Schaeffer on) 25-year-old son Reid has died of as-yet unknown causes. [TMZ]
• Chris Brown and Frank Ocean are feuding no more, says Breezy. [Bossip]
• Angelina Jolie won a lawsuit against a Croatian journalist who claimed she plagiarized the script for her directorial debut Blood and Honey. [THR]
• Blue Ivy Carter has her own teeny VIP chair for Bey's world tour. [Daily Mail
• Daniel Radcliffe, who starred with the late Richard Griffiths in both Harry Potter and the West End's Equus: "I'm proud to say I knew him." Tears. [Express]
• Jeremy "Steampunk Hansel" Renner and his ex-girlfriend Sonni Pacheco had their daughter, Ava Berlin. [People]
• Justin Timberlake used to trip balls at Coachella. [Page Six]
• Newark Airport officials mistook Amanda Seyfried for Lindsay Lohan. [Page Six]
• Lady Gaga's in a Louis Vuitton wheelchair now. [Us Weekly]
• Okay, so Kim Kardashian is considering naming the Kimyeby "Easton West." [Us Weekly]
• CRISIS TIME: Mischa Barton and The Hills "star" Audrina Patridge wore the same dress to an event. "They exchanged a horrified look when they realized they were wearing similar outfits, then they spent the rest of the event avoiding each other." [Page Six]

Next time you're eyeing your dusty copy of Infinite Jest but end up in bed eating cheese fries and watching My Strange Addiction, remember the words of inspiring South Bronx sixth grader Neveah Mosher: "Being able to read is like the most wonderful thing ever. [...] If you give me a book and say it's good, I'll read it, just to see how good it is."

Mosher reads 300 books a year ("thick chapter books, with 30 or 40 chapters") as part of her dream to be the first in her family to attend college.

:D

[via Hooplaha]

The Real Housewives franchise tends to sequester their casts of spritzer-swilling, rhinestone-body-con-dress wearing female stars along racial lines. Their Beverly Hills, Orange County, New York and New Jersey women have all been white. Atlanta, with the exception of former cast member Kim Zolciak, was black. The Miami cast, primarily Hispanic. The short-lived D.C. spinoff featured mostly white characters, particularly striking in a majority-black city.

But this may be on its way to changing, since It's now rumored that Baroness Monica Von Neumann, widow of the millionaire Volkswagen importer Baron John Von Neumann, has been talking to Bravo's producers about joining the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

She would be replacing the recently departed Adrienne Maloof. Von Neumann, whose husband passed away of cancer in 2003 after 26 years of marriage, is a scented candle entrepreneur who's been referred to as "the black Martha Stewart" (although Her background as a working class kid sounds more Sandra Lee than Martha-esque). Born Monica Jones in Detroit, her family moved to L.A. when she was five. She was introduced to her late husband by Sonny Bono in Palm Springs in the early '80s.

While no official offer's on the table yet, a source says that "[The meeting] went really well. She had them cracking up. The producers asked about her past, where she lived, and why she's a Baroness. They appear to really love the idea of having her on the show."

Von Neumann also just filmed a separate reality pilot about her life for E! Here's hoping that even though she's nobility, she won't be as insufferable as Countess LuAnn de Lesseps of Real Housewives of New York. (There's only so many times you can refer to your husband as "the Count" without making me want to puke in your Loboutin.)

'A Real ‘Royal' Housewife? Hollywood's Baroness Monica Von Neumann In Talks To Join RHOBH' [Radar Online]
'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in Talks With Baroness Monica Van Neumann to Join Cast' [E!]

If cats could form organized groups for the greater good of felines everywhere, there's no doubt their first order of business would be to form some kind of union for bodega/library/coffee shop cats' rights. Alas, they cannot.

As a result, Penny the cat was in danger of being evicted from her home for the last 9 years, Massachusetts' Swansea Public Library, by a guy who admittedly has a point, but can we still call him kind of a douche? He first got the idea to attempt the cat eviction after a number of parents mentioned to him that their children were allergic.

Patrick Higgins sent an email to Swansea Public Library trustees last Saturday, which said he would file a formal complaint with the U.S. Department of Justice if Penny was not removed from the premises. According to Higgins, people allergic to cats would be unable to use the library which meant the public building did not comply with the American Disabilities Act.

According to the pro-Penny petition on Change.org, which has garnered over 1,800 signatures, Penny's the latest in a long history of Swansea library cats. The petition also states that no previous allergy-related complaints had ever been filed.

Higgins, shocked by the outpouring of support for Penny, has dropped his efforts to have her evicted. He's baffled. "We've got pictures of the cat on Facebook laying on top of a laptop and they think this is ok. I just don't understand it. [...] The cat has gone all over the world. You've got the petition with over 2,000 people over a freaking cat."

Don't fuck with us cat people.

'After Uproar, Man Drops Bid to Evict Library Cat' [ABC News]

In anticipation of Game of Thrones' third season return on Sunday, our buddies over at Slacktory have created a super cut entitled ""Game Of Fucks: 126 Reasons Why Game Of Thrones Would Never Work On Basic Cable."

In case you still don't get it, it features every curse word you can think of, except, perhaps, "crap." I don't think I heard a "crap" in there. Perhaps "crap" and dragons cannot co-exist.

There is also a very helpful pie chart with a breakdown of the character : curse word ratio.

'Game of Fucks, Supercut of All the Swearing in ‘Game of Thrones' [Slacktory]

If you only read one wrenching, touching, tearjerker of a story today, please make it this one.

Five months after New Yorkers Angelo and Jen Merendino were married, Jen was diagnosed with breast cancer. As the next four years of treatment and medications passed, which left then-39-year-old Jen fatigued, in a walker, staying for long stints in the hospital.

With each challenge we grew closer. Words became less important. One night Jen had just been admitted to the hospital, her pain was out of control. She grabbed my arm, her eyes watering, "You have to look in my eyes, that's the only way I can handle this pain." We loved each other with every bit of our souls.

Jen taught me to love, to listen, to give and to believe in others and myself. I've never been as happy as I was during this time.

Angelo, a photographer, began to document her (and their) trials with intimate, powerful shots initially meant for their friends and family. The result is a chronological series of photographs of Jen throughout the course of her illness: laughing, sleeping, grimacing with pain, pushing the painkiller drip, putting on makeup, swimming in the ocean.

My photographs show this daily life. They humanize the face of cancer, on the face of my wife. They show the challenge, difficulty, fear, sadness and loneliness that we faced, that Jennifer faced, as she battled this disease. Most important of all, they show our Love. These photographs do not define us, but they are us.

Jen passed away a year and a half ago of Stage IV breast cancer. If you're not already crying, this blog post about an alert Jen set on Angelo's phone for the 22nd of every month, just a short time before she passed away ("Jennifer thinks Angelo is hot!"), should do you in. Fucking devastating.

The Battle We Didn't Choose [My Wife's Fight With Breast Cancer]

You may have noticed a petition hosted on food advocacy groups like Food Democracy Now circulating on social media for the last week. If you're anything like me, you blithely scrolled over it in your search for the perfect gif, or whatever other dumbass thing was at the forefront of your brain. But here's

On Tuesday President Obama signed the spending bill HR 933 into law, which was primarily concerned with the threat of government shutdown. However, buried in the fine print was Section 735, the Farmer Assurance Provision (which the press has since dubbed "the Monsanto Protection Act") which bars federal courts from being able to halt the sale or planting of controversial genetically modified (aka GMO) or genetically engineered (GE) seeds. Food Democracy Now's executive director Dave Murphy said: "It's basically an ATM machine [and a] corporate handout to Monsanto." Murphy adds that every farmer and consumer is at risk.

Basically, the provision allows the major agricultural biotech corporation Monsanto to continue using GMO seeds in farms across America — it was actually written in collaboration with Monsanto reps themselves — although the detrimental health effects of these products to both human consumers and environmental biodiversity at large haven't yet been gauged adequately by researchers.

A study in September of 2012 linking GMO corn products to increased tumors in rats immediately elicited criticism by scientists, but do you really want the adjective "inconclusive" to apply to your food? No.

The International Business Times asserts that some of the signatures on the bill came from Congress members who didn't even realize that the Monsanto Protection Act was buried in HR 933.

More than 250,000 have signed the Food Democracy Now petition, which calls for a veto of the law and the mandatory labeling of GMOs, and a small group protested outside the White House on Wednesday.

Critics slam Obama for "protecting" Monsanto [CBS News]

Image via wrangler/Shutterstock

As a Jewish person, I feel pretty confident in saying that it's almost inevitable that putting a Jewish person in a small space, ever, anywhere, will make some people angry, even if it's with the best intentions. So it's unsurprising that Berlin's Jewish Museum's new "Jew in the Box" exhibit, which features one of Germany's few Semitic residents chilling out inside a simple glass box and answering museum-goers questions about Judaism, is getting a mixed reception.

Some of the questions on placards outside the box provided for Jewish volunteers to answer are:

"How you recognize a Jew?" It's next to an assortment of yarmulkes, black hats and women's hair covers hanging from the ceiling on thin threads.

Yet another [placard] invites visitors to express their opinion to such questions as "are Jews particularly good looking, influential, intelligent, animal loving or business savvy?"

But the actual questions asked by German residents are less about debunking stereotypes than inquiries of specific etiquette and Jewish theology. One German asked the volunteer if he had been to Palestine, because she had just gone and realized how difficult it was to mention her Jewish roots there.

One woman wanted to know what to bring her hosts for a Shabbat dinner in Israel. Another asked why only Jewish men and not women wear yarmulkes. A third inquired about Judaism and homosexuality.

Postwar Germany boasts 82 million citizens, of whom only 200,000 are Jewish, and generations of Germans since World War II have approached the novelty of Jews in their country with uneducated but well-intentioned curiosity. This is acknowledged by museum officials and the box's Jewish volunteers alike.

"With so few of us [in the country], you almost inevitably feel like an exhibition piece," volunteer Leeor Englander said. "Once you've been 'outed' as a Jew, you always have to be the expert and answer all questions regarding anything related to religion, Israel, the Holocaust and so on."

"I feel a bit like an animal in the zoo, but in reality that's what it's like being a Jew in Germany," [another volunteer, Ido] Porat said. "You are a very interesting object to most people here."

Dekel Peretz, one of the volunteers in the glass box, said many Germans have an image of Jews that is far removed from the reality of contemporary Jewish life. "They associate Jews with the Holocaust and the Nazi era. Jews don't have a history before or after. In Germany, Jews have been stereotyped as victims. It is important that people here get to know Jews to see that Jews are alive and that we have individual histories. I hope that this exhibit can help."

Among the exhibit's many critics are an Israeli who currently lives in Berlin, who calls it "horrible, degrading" and "not helpful" for promoting better relationships between Jews and non-Jews in modern Germany. A rabbi from Berlin's Chabad community who suggests that non-Jewish Germans interested in learning about the Jewish experience in Germany should visit their educational center rather than go in for this shock-value museum gimmick.

The museum's curator Miriam Goldmann, who is Jewish, says that this "in your face" approach is more than just shock value: it's one way to overcome the fraught emotions and social dynamics between post-war German generations and German Jews. Says Goldmann, "We wanted to provoke, that's true, and some people may find the show outrageous or objectionable. But that's fine by us."

'Outrage at 'Jew in the box' exhibition in Berlin museum where participant sits in glass cage for hours answering questions' [Daily Mail]

Image via Jeff Whyte/Shutterstock