(L-R) Actors Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart attend the Premiere of FilmDistrict's 'Olympus Has Fallen' at the '5 Zvezd' on March 29, 2013 in Moscow, Russia. (Photo by Gennadi Avramenko/Epsilon/Getty Images)

Before this happened today and quickly because The Greatest Feud of Our Time, Tardar "Grumpy Cat" Sauce (right) and happy mutated accident Lil Bub (left) have been able to co-exist as two very different ridiculous Internet time-wasters for everyone to enjoy.

Friend had a shitty day? Send her a Grumpy Cat meme! Friend had to bury her head in a yogurt container in order to eat yogurt? Send her this video of Lil Bub burying her head in a yogurt container in order to eat yogurt! There hasn't really a conflict of interest in terms of our consumption of the two Internet-famous felines.* And it was good.

(Trailer voiceover:) UNTIL NOW.

It turns out that TIME Magazine, who just shot a spread with Grumpy Cat, has flagrantly ripped off a shoot that smaller magazine Bullett did of Lil Bub back in October. While a rep from TIME calls the matching photos "a complete coincidence," it's hard to believe that the exact duplicate shade of pink backround, plus the identical staging and framing of Bub and Grumpy, was just a fluke. Click through for the shots.

Is it that hard to think of interesting ways to photograph the most interesting cats in the world? The feline equivalent of the Dos Equis man?! I guess so.

*Must resist urge to make "Montagues and Cat-pulets" joke because I want to keep this job.

When Ann-Marie Slaughter called for "the next wave of an equal-rights revolution" at a Princeton University female leadership seminar, it's unlikely that she expected one of it's speakers, Princeton Class of '77 alum Susan A. Patton, part of the pioneering 200-strong class of women to first attend then all-male Princeton, to write this letter to the Daily Princetonian.

In it, Patton advises "the daughers [she] never had" to find a nice Princeton boy to marry (like her son! He's single! He enjoys trips to Thomas Sweet and long walks in the quad! Here's his social security number!) before it's too late for your old twenty-something ass. Since the letter appeared and crashed the Princetonian's website, Patton has elaborated in interviews on The Daily Beast and The Cut.

"I'm astounded by the extreme reaction. Honestly, I just thought this was some good advice from a Jewish mother."

"I understand how retrogressive it is and yes I understand that not every woman on earth wants to get married and have kids, that yes you could marry a man who is not your intellectual equal. I'm just saying, you increase your odds of being happy in your marriage, happy in your life, if you find a husband who is appropriate for you. Which gets harder after you graduate…I don't mean to be anti-feminist. This is truly the advice I would give my daughters if I had them."

Patton and her husband separated between her older and younger sons' admissions to Princeton (in 2006 and 2010 respectively), which she attributes to his lack of Ivy League swagger: "My husband's academic background was not as luxurious as mine, and that was a source of some stress... I think he felt a certain level of resentment."

(In case you didn't adequately get Patton's disdain for whatever University of Hard Knocks that her ex-husband attended, she elaborates on The Cut: "He went to a school of almost no name recognition. A school that nobody has respect for, including him, really.")

As for her own family background, Patton in her youth sounds like a legitimate BAMF.

"My parents were both survivors of concentration camps, and all they wanted for me was to marry. Ideally they wanted me to marry a butcher, because then there would always be meat on the table. The thought of their unmarried daughter leaving home before marriage was a disgrace to them. So I applied to Princeton as an emancipated minor, I paid for it myself, and I went away to college against my parents' wishes. And it cost me dearly and still does."

It's kind of depressing that she's doubled back into these hysterically traditional values after defying her parents in order to get an education as an unmarried woman.

Image via gary718/Shutterstock

Maurizio Domizzi of Udinese Calcio in action during the Serie A match between Udinese Calcio and Bologna FC at Stadio Friuli on March 30, 2013 in Udine, Italy. (Photo by Dino Panato/Getty Images)

Last year saw Saudi Arabia sending two female athletes to the Olympics for the first time in their conservative Islamic history.

Now, at the behest of a number of international rights organizations, the kingdom will actually begin to license women's sports clubs, according to al-Watan daily. The Interior Ministry came to their final decision on Friday after examining a number of flaws in the existing system.

Until this point, women's gyms and other exercise facilities were designated as "health centers" and licensed by the Health Ministry. This is a welcome development since 2009, when an official from the highest ministry of clerics in Saudi Arabia said that women shouldn't play sports, lest they accidentally tear their hymen and lose their virginity. For this reason, female exercise has long been discouraged and state-run girls' schools don't feature gym classes.

Women in Saudia Arabia are still prohibited from driving and need permission from a male guardian to marry, travel abroad, open a bank account, work or have certain elective surgeries.

While King Abdullah appointed 30 women to the historically all-male Shura counsel in January, the kingdom's women's rights activists like Manal al Sharif says that the new female counselors were largely for show, and would have little impact on greater social change. (Sure enough, one month later, a cleric proposed putting female infants in burkas to prevent sexual molestation.)

'Saudi Arabia to allow women's sports clubs: paper' [NBC Sports]

A very happy birthday to Céline Dion, whose most famous song will always conjure up images of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio fucking in a sweaty jalopy. Above, a completely batshit live rendition of "My Heart Will Go On," featuring Dion floating in (?) at the beginning with weird people in chalk-white paint standing guard.

As usual, YouTube commenters provide their invaluable takes:

MrSumurai7 1 day ago:
wow your right... this song makes me go hard

That flute still gets me though. And gah, the KEY CHANGE!

Have a great Saturday.

Glee star and "Frankenteen" Cory Monteith, who's previously been open about his troubled past as a delinquent teenager, has checked into rehab for substance abuse. His rep confirms to People: "[Monteith] has voluntarily admitted himself to a treatment facility for substance addiction [...] He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery."

Monteith, now 30, began drinking at age 13 and went to rehab for the first time at 19, after three years of "doing every and any [drug], as much as possible" and stealing a large amount of money from a family member. (He's previously said of his troubles: "I don't want kids to think it's okay to drop out of school and get high, and they'll be famous actors, too.")

Lea Michele, Monteith's girlfriend and Glee co-star, has issued an official statement:

"I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this," she tells PEOPLE exclusively. "I am grateful and proud he made this decision."

And so has Fox:

"Cory is a beloved member of the Glee family and we fully support his decision to seek treatment. Everyone at the show wishes him well and looks forward to his return."

[People, USA Today]

Now that your boyfriend Ryan Gosling has quit acting, he has all the time in the world to nearly come to blows with strangers over Eva Mendes' honor.

We're told the pair, in town for the premiere of their new movie, "The Place Beyond the Pines," were at the Bowery Hotel Friday when a fashion photographer who had recently shot Mendes saw her and shouted, "Hey, baby!" "Ryan completely flipped out, and it got heated," says an eyewitness. "Ryan got in the guy's face and said, ‘Who are you calling baby?' Eva had to jump in and calm everyone down before it came to fisticuffs. Ryan then made nice and shook the guy's hand."

Baby Goose feathers fly! [Page Six]

There's been no movement on the Lindsay Lohan front, although two weeks ago she was sentenced to 90 days in "lockdown rehab" (which doesn't exist, by the way). Meanwhile, she's been partying in Brazil and allegedly stealing shit from the set of Anger Management. But apparently there was one absurd clause to Lohan's compliance with the rehab deal:

She'd agree to rehab ONLY if the facility would allow her to continue taking Adderall.

Apparently LiLo's been abusing Adderall since 2010, when she got a prison doctor to prescribe it. Her lawyer, incredibly, said he'd find a place that would accommodate her request. Logic fail! And also, it doesn't exist. [TMZ, TMZ]

On the way back from Brazil, her tit almost came out. [NYDN]

If you're of the mind that Justin Bieber's merely going through a "phase" rather than becoming a mini-Lohan, headlines like "Justin Bieber's Monkey Seized In Germany" don't help your case. The aggressive lil' pop nugget's capuchin monkey Mally was taken into quarantine at a German airport for lack of papers after he snuck the monkey on a private jet. [The Sun]

• Wiz Khalifa is suing over a cancelled show. [TMZ]
• A judge ruled that the two remaining members of En Vogue can keep calling themselves En Vogue. (What a mighty good judge.) [TMZ]
• Annnnd here is Paris Hilton partying with Hugh Hefner. [Daily Mail]
• One Direction's Harry Styles is working on a solo album. [MTV UK]
• Janet Hubert, formerly known as Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, currently known as a wack job, wants to reconcile with Will Smith. [HuffPo]
• Michael Bublé is cutting down his touring schedule because of his new bablé. [Contact Music]
• Louis Vuitton wheelchair-bound Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney went to a strip club and then ended the night at McDonalds. Hashtag American dream? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Selena Gomez isn't looking for a relationship post-Bieber, so don't even try. [MTV UK]
• Demi Lovato's new album's cover art features her naked and covered in glitter. [Gossip Cop]
• Kourtney Kardashian has offered to be a pregnancy surrogate for Khloe Kardashian. [Radar Online]
• Drake and A$AP Rocky won't be invited to the as-yet theoretical Chris Brown/Rihanna wedding. [The Sun]
• Breezy was booed at a Knicks game on Easter Sunday (sitting next to Spike Lee!) but he only laughed. [NYDN]
• Pregnant Peaches Geldof exists, wore clothes. [Daily Mail]
• Britney Spears did Easter Sunday with the other Spearseseses. [People]
• Want to know what Food Network star Ann Burrell cooked the Obamas for Easter? I can help you with that, if nothing else. [People]
• Jennie Garth in a bikini looking Stepford Wife-ish (in a good way?) [Us Weekly]
• Another bikini picture: Hayden Panettiere. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian was unsurprisingly terrible in that new Tyler Perry movie. [NYDN]
• Jimmy Kimmel will marry his fiancee Molly McNearney in July. [Page Six]
• A barely-visible photo of Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green's son Noah! [Us Weekly]
• Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff "made out." [Page Six]
• Halle Berry is rallying the celebrity troops to attempt to officially block the paparazzi from snapping the children of celebrities (with a camera. Not, like, in half). [Page Six]
  

  When you write me on twitter and I ignore you it's because I plan on ignoring you on twitter and in life forever.

  — Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 31, 2013

  
  And, scene.

So THIS is The Best, Inc.: Amy Poehler has oh-so-quietly been dating fellow comedian Nick Kroll of The League and Best Week Ever. The two nommed on food at a restaurant on Sunset Boulevard, and "sources" (a busboy? a napkin ring? O'Brien from Downton Abbey?!?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE) say that it wasn't the first date for the two.

During the Great Love Genocide of 2012 (see also: Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito, who have thankfully reunited), Poehler and her ex-husband Will Arnett divorced in September after nine years of marriage. I'd say this is How Leslie Knope Got Her Groove Back. But she always had her groove, so. [Page Six]

One week after the death of French Survivor (Koh-Lanta) contestant Gérald Babin, 25, who suffered a heart attack during filming the first episode of the 16th season in Cambodia, an on-set doctor named Thierry Costa has committed suicide. Costa had treated Babin. In his suicide note. "Costa said he was confident he had treated Babin "as a patient and not a contestant"but was distraught by "false accusations and assumptions" in the media. [Deadline, THR]

Behold, Lindsay Lohan's April Fools joke. It's a joke, right? Yeah, okay, it's a joke. [NYDN]

Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, slightly less known as Kit Harington, wants to sit in a cozy restaurant and watch YOU eat a burger. He describes his dream girl:

"She's got to be funny. I like a girl who does not take me seriously, you know? It's important to be able to laugh at each other. And I like a girl who eats. I much prefer that she order the burger. "You don't want to seem too eager, too romantic. "Otherwise, it just looks a bit tryhard. But I do think a first date should be intimate. So I'd choose a nice dinner somewhere cozy, not too crowded, with good wine."

And then say through a mouthful of burger, "You know nothing, Jon Snow" and high-five yourself. [Us Weekly]

John Mayer and one of his many unnecessary hats talked to Ellen DeGeneres about his very private relationship and breakup with Katy Perry, because that's what privacy means. Or wait also, there was a picture of Mayer and Perry on a HUGE screen in the background as he was talking, and that's what privacy means! He does get kind of charming when he talks about scotch, though.

• The late Buckwild star Shain Gandee's family need money to cover his funeral. [TMZ]
• The ring Angelina Jolie's been wearing is Brad Pitt's great-grandma's, and it's a symbol of "impending marriage." And here I thought the symbol was passive-aggressive whisperfighting at dinner parties. [Daily Mail]
• Here is Vanessa Hudgens in her music video for (actual song) "$$$ex." [Daily Mail]
• Macaulay Culkin looks less like he's going to die soon, sort of! [Digital Spy]
• To your mom's dismay, professional hipbones-emerging-from-low-rise-skinny-jeans Adam Levine doesn't know if he wants to get married. [Contact Music]
• Tender, tender McNugget Harry Styles is getting a house in Malibu. [TVNZ]
• Tina Turner's engaged to her long-time boyfriend Erwin Bach. Hopefully love's got like, a LITTLE bit to do with it? [Express]
• Adele bought some Andy Warhols. [The Sun]
• Lucy Camden from Seventh Heaven had a baby girl. It is a centaur whose top half is Stephen Collins. [People]
• Reese Witherspoon got brown hair. Which is actually kind of huge? Or I've just been writing about Lucy Camden's baby too much. [People]
• Suri Cruise got hipster bangs. [People]
• Jennifer Lawrence smoked cigarettes with some guys outside an Italian restaurant in New York. [Page Six]
• Marc Anthony is getting seriouserer with Topshop heiress Chloe Green. [Page Six]
• Danny Devito wandered into the kitchen of The Spotted Pig and asked if he could help plate up meals and hang out. He's the fucking man. [Page Six]
• Katie Holmes might be dating a New York jazz musician named Peter Cincotti. [Daily Mail]
• "Bette Midler Offers The Kardashians Maternity Fashion Advice." [Radar Online]
• Justin Bieber April Foolzed. [Gossip Cop]

While she's been a lightning rod for claims of both feminism and anti-feminism (particularly since announcing her Mrs. Carter World Tour), Beyoncé has tended in the past to steer clear of the F-word that's put so many female celebrities in the hot seat. Until now, at least. Bey tells Vogue UK in a cover interview for the April 2013 issue that she's a feminist—but not without a disclaimer.

"I feel like Mrs Carter is who I am, but more bold and more fearless than I've ever been. It comes from knowing my purpose and really meeting myself once I saw my child. I was like, 'OK, this is what you were born to do'. The purpose of my body became completely different."

And:

"I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I'm just a woman and I love being a woman… I do believe in equality and that we have a way to go and it's something that's pushed aside and something that we have been conditioned to accept."

[Sky News; lede images via Vogue UK]

Glee star (and former Bey backup dancer!) Heather Morris is pregnant with her first child. She's three months along already, and the father is her high school sweetheart Taylor Hubbell. It was "totally unexpected." [Us Weekly]

Elmo puppeteer "Tickle Me" Kevin Clash has been slammed with a fifth underage sex lawsuit by a now-25-year-old man who claims to have met Clash on a "gay telephone chat line" in 2004, when he was just 16.

According to the suit, Clash invited the boy to come over, sent a luxury car to pick him up, and once he arrived, plied him with "alcohol and groomed him with attention and affection" until the two engaged in sexual contact. The boy didn't come forward until now, say lawyers, because he wasn't immediately aware of the mental, psychological and emotional trauma of the experience. [NYDN]

Three years since the birth of Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy's son Bingham Hawn Bellamy, Hudson told Elle that they got tapas or whatever like twice and then she got knocked up by accident.

"It was all very old-fashioned and proper and we went on lovely dates, but two months later I was pregnant... I knew it would take a strong man to deal with it. You know that with a relationship things can go either way when you have a child. Everything becomes a big decision. He was there and that was that, but things happen for a reason."

[NYDN, Mirror UK]

Rebecca Hall, best known for being the one who wasn't Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, has been dating Sam Mendes since his split with Kate Winslet (and, some suspect, before they separated).

Hall doesn't discuss their relationship: "It's what happens when you start going out with a famous person and are a bit famous yourself, I guess. It's their problem though. Everyone can be interested but I'm still not going to talk about it." However, back when the still-married Mendes cast Hall in two of his plays after meeting her on the set of Starter For Ten, Winslet was supposedly "infuriated." [Daily Mail]

"Me and Johnny Depp had eyeball sex at the benefit concert for Superstorm Sandy in Los Angeles. We never really talked - we just had eyeball sex."

[NYDN]

• Justin Bieber's recent troubles may stem from his Selena Gomez breakup. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan wears a bikini, reveals hella bruises. [TMZ]
• "Tanning Mom" Patricia Krentcil agrees with the new law instituted by Chris Christie that prohibits anyone under 17 from hitting a tanning salon without parental approval. [TMZ]
• This picture of Jack and Shaq. (Nicholson and O'Neal.) [Express]
• Jane Henson, widow (and business partner) of the late Muppets creator Jim Henson, has passed away at 78. [CNN]
• Will Arnett joins the cast of Teenaage Mutant Ninja Turtles. [Vulture]
• Tom Cruise wants to go into space. (In spirit, buddy, you already live there.) [Belfast Telegraph]
• Hilary Duff will appear as a love interest for Ashton Kutcher on that Two and A Half Men episode you're totally gonna watch. [Us Weekly]
• This is Holly Madison and her newborn daugher Rainbow Aurora (guhhh). [Us Weekly]
• Tom Hanks reflects on the life of his friend Nora Ephron after his first Broadway performance in Lucky Guy. [Page Six]
• Matt Damon and Luciana Baroso are set to renew their wedding vows in St. Lucia. Stars are just like us! [Page Six]
• Jimmy Fallon's extended his NBC contract and gives credence to the rumors that he'll be taking over Jay Leno's job. [NYT]
• Matt Lauer's slammed by Southampton offiicals for trying to expand his 40-acre horse farm. [Page Six]
• Porn god/American treasure Ron Jeremy's back to work after his health scare. [CNN]
• Jay-Z's launched Roc Nation Sports. [Page Six]
• Roger Ebert's cancer returns, he takes some time off writing to battle it. [TODAY]
• Janelle Monae covers next month's Essence. [The Life Files]
• After a motorcycle accident, subsequent leg amputation and eight months of recovery, Wynonna Judd's husband Cactus Moser walked to her. [NYDN]
• Nicki Minaj truthbombs. "I am lyrically better than most of the male rappers out there - yes, I'm gonna say it. I don't get the credit that I deserve." [Missinfo.tv]
• Jon Hamm's penis is out. Still. [D-Listed]

Say goodbye to sadsacky-turned-sexier Zuckerbergian Charlie, Marnie's (Allison Williams') chewtoy on Girls (have you guys even heard of this show? Because like NOBODY talks about it). Actor Christopher Abbott and the Prince mustache he sports in his downtime have "abruptly" departed from the HBO show shortly after Lena Dunham and co. began working on Season 3.

"Chris is at odds with Lena," a source said. "He didn't like the direction things are going in, which seems a bit odd since the show put him on the map."

What was the offending storyline for Abbott? Does Charlie live-tweet his own late-term circumcision? Let Marnie attempt to shoot an apple off his head with a bow and arrow? Commit hara-kiri for not inventing Snapchat? Says his rep:

"[Chris] is grateful for the experience of collaborating with Lena, Judd [Apatow], and the entire ‘Girls' cast and crew, but right now he's working on numerous other projects and has decided not to return to the show."

It's the biggest in some shakeups for the show's next stretch of episodes, among them the shift of the writers room to over 50% male. [Page Six]

A tattoo artist named Keith McCurdy a.k.a. Bang Bang inexplicably asked his friend non-tattoo artist Justin Bieber to ink him up last summer. It went how you'd expect.

Bieber, then 18, inked McCurdy's leg with a picture of a muscle-bound mouse, the "Believe" singer's cartoon alter-ego, and the word "Swaggy."

Bieber may be fined up to $2,000 for operating as an unlicensed tattoo artist. Refer above for McCurdy's punishment. [NYDN]

The day before former Nickelodion teen star, current Twitter-abusing cautionary tale Amanda Bynes turned 27, she was spotted on the streets of New York looking bedraggled with purple hair and those Adidas sandals people wear in public showers. OR WAS SHE.

In a since-deleted Tweet, she informed us that an ersatz Bynes was, in fact, on the loose. "My hair is blonde, I've never been a redhead! Somebody keeps posing as me! Check my photos on Twitter for up to date pictures!"
[Us Weekly]

Holy crap, how long has Topanga been making YouTube dating advice videos? In this episode, Danielle Fishel sits in what looks like a blinged out fake cardboard living room of the Bachelor/ette franchise and doles out tongue-in-cheek advice to a girl who wants to ask her boyfriend to prom. Topanga informs us that she asked her boyfriend Lance Bass to prom, and then they got married and lived happily ever after, as we all know. [Pop Sugar]

Martha Stewart went on The Today Show and talked about that time she and Snoop Lion Dogg Cat Lemur Owl Field Mouse made brownies and talked about pot brownies. +1,000 for Natalie Morales awkwardly calling him "the Snoop."

Natalie Morales: We know how you and the Snoop are tight.
Willie Geist: Do you hang out a lot?
Martha Stewart: Oh yeah, I hang out with Snoop, [like] he has time for me. We, uh, like to bake brownies together.
Willie Geist: I bet you do.
Natalie Morales: What's in those brownies?
Martha Stewart: They're green, they're green actually.

[All Hip Hop]

Please click this. [I have no idea]

• Over at La Guardia High School, Madonna's kid Lourdes Leon is dating Timothée Chalamet (The vice president's son on Homeland.) [Page Six]
• A fan interrupted Jonah Hill on a date to give him the following bizarre news: "I buried my father today, and I just wanted to say you're gonna be one of the greats." Go ahead back to eating your tapas now. [Page Six]
• It's clearly Fans Oversharing O'Clock.

  "One woman rushed up to [Cyndi Lauper] and was pushed back by a photographer," said a spy, "but the lady yelled out, ‘I am not going anywhere! I lost my virginity to this woman's music!'"

  I am guessing "True Colors" a la Save The Last Dance. [Page Six]

• One Directioner Niall Horan got his braces off. Wear your retainer, Niall, or the whole thing was a waste. [The Sun]
• Jada Pinkett Smith denies rumors that she and Will Smith have an open relationship, but "Will's his own man." [Gossip Cop]
• "You can't have it all," says Isla Fisher. [Daily Mail]
• And yet! [Radar Online]
• Prince William and Kate Middleton will be Skyping with two homeless people during their trip to the Netherlands. [Mirror UK]
• Diana Ross and Lisa Marie Presley will testify in the Michael Jackson wrongful death suit. [MSN]
• Daddy Yankee's publicist says Daddy Yankee, creator of the bassline-heavy heterosexual touchstone "Gasolina," is not gay. [L.A. Times]
• Ed Sheeran is "Switzerland" when it comes to Taylor Swift and Harry Styles [Hollywood Life]
• Meet newly-pregnant Heather Morris's boyfriend Taylor Hubbell. [Us Weekly]
• Richie Sambora has bowed out of Bon Jovi's next tour due to "personal issues." [Us Weekly]
• That time Heidi Klum pulled her 7-year-old son Henry from a strong riptide? There are pictures now. (The one of the nanny's the best though.) [Us Weekly]
• Nick Jonas totes isn't hooking up with Miley Cyrus, says Nick Jonas. [Us Weekly]
• Jennie Garth wrote a column on a coupon website about how her family's frugal lifestyle. [Us Weekly]
• Jenny McCarthy masturbates sometimes. [Page Six]
• Avril Lavigne is naked with a teddy bear on the cover of her upcoming album. [NYDN]
• Bradley Cooper's perm! [NYDN]

Sigh. Amanda Bynes' repeated insistence on only using her (technically crappy; see above) Twitter selfies comes from a dark place, it looks like. I know: You're totally shocked.

Shortly after Bynes insisted that she was being impersonated in paparazzi snaps on the streets of New York, she's informed Twitter that she has an eating disorder and that's why she only wants the press to use her Twitter shots.

Request granted. :-/ [E!, Twitter]

Haaaa, wait, this is fucked. I feel dirty. [D Listed]

While Kristen Stewart is allegedly embracing a new "fun, lighthearted" attitude for the sake of her relationship with Robert Pattinson, she may revert back to Level 5 mopedom after R-Patz's softcore Dior commercials hit the air, says a source who is almost certainly neither animal nor mineral. (I choose to believe that all sources are bored ghosts.)

K-Stew will be "livid," says the ghost, when she sees Rob shirtless and simulating a foursome with a bunch of models. Later, it continues, "Rob and [a model] are in a swimming pool making out and he's seen giving her a blow back with a cigarette at one stage, too." BREAK UP ALREADY. FUCK. [Life and Style Mag, Hollywood Life]

Gwyneth "I'm Just Like You Except For My Holistic Acupuncture Sessions With Diamond-Tipped Needles Made of Elvish Silver" Paltrow is a "bad mutha," according to Gwyneth Paltrow. Not, like "mother." Just like, "mutha." You know. The flavorful way!

Chris Martin, on the other hand, is not a bad mutha because he needs to cook to silence.

"He can't have background music on: it has to be 100 per cent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop - I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.

[The Standard UK]

I feel like the ratio of how much I write about Elton John is really disproportionate to how much you actually care about Elton John, but anyway, tally-ho! Blur included a song called "Elton John's Cock" on their box-set Blur 21 and it confused Elton John's actual cock, says Blur's bassist Alex James:

"I bumped into Sir Elton and he said, 'What's all this I hear about you and my c**k?' I didn't know him well enough to tell him the proper answer."
The 43-year-old musician claimed the track was given the name because it was ''too sentimental''.
He added to the Daily Star newspaper: "We wrote this song but realised it was too sentimental. One of us muttered, 'That's Elton John's cock.'"

[Contact Music]

• Paris Jackson has re-acquainted herself with her birth mom Debbie Rowe. [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Paris's brother Prince is dating a (literal) Kuwaiti princess. [TMZ]
• RIP, Gucci, the Lohan family maltese. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan's friend, hotel magnate Vikram Chatwal, was arrested for smuggling a smorgasbord of pills, plus heroin, ketamine and weed, in the crotch of his pants. [NYDN]
• During breaks between filming Mad Men seasons, Christina Hendricks worked as a florist for shits and giggles and the love of flowers. [My Fashion Life]
• Macklemore and the cast of Pitch Perfect will perform at this year's MTV Awards. [MTV]
• Does Conan O'Brien have sort of a six pack?! [Us Weekly]
• Ryan Murphy's launching a new show called Open, to be co-written with a Dexter producer: "a modern, provocative exploration of human sexuality and relationships." [Deadline]
• Kate Middleton's friends keep texting her baby name suggestions. (She has her own "short list.") [Us Weekly]
• "I joke that I've been on a diet since 1974, and it's basically true." —Kim Cattrall. [Express]
• Roger Ebert's wife Chaz says that he smiled shortly before passing away. [People]
• When One Direction hangs out during down-time, they play Boggle and watch One Day. [TVNZ]
• Apparently Mike Tyson cameos in a 50 Shades of Grey spoof in Scary Movie 5. [Page Six]
• Warren Beatty = still a flirt. Wouldn't have it any other way. [Page Six]
• Lil Wayne stepped out for the first time since his hospitalization for seizures. [People]
• Bey and Jay are celebrating their fifth anniversary in Havana with their MOMS. [People]

After a tumultuous year of custody battles with her ex-husband Gabriel Aubry (the father of her 5-year-old daughter Nahla), Halle Berry, 46, has confirmed via her rep that she's pregnant again. She and fiancé Olivier Martinez—a.k.a. the outrageously hot French guy that Richard Gere graphically clocked over the head with a snow globe in Unfaithful—are expecting a baby boy. She's three months along.

Last year, Berry told Wendy Williams that she was glad that she'd had Nahla when she was over 40: "I'm a much better mother at 46, or 41 when I had her, than if I were 21 or 25. I was just a little baby, just trying to figure it out, trying to figure out who I was, let alone have the responsibility of trying to help another little soul develop and grow. I'm so glad I waited." [Us Weekly]

• Bradley Cooper's been getting douchetastic dating advice from friend Leonardo DiCaprio ("He's gonna date as many supermodels as possible before he's 40, then settle down"). [Showbiz Spy]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper, said one of Gwyneth Palrow's servants nori rolls friends to her. [Us Weekly]
• Kate Middleton and Prince William played competitive ping-pong and then fucked in a public bathroom (maybe?!). [Us Weekly]
• Avi Snow, we hardly knew ye. He and Lindsay Lohan have broken up. [The Hollywood Gossip]
• And Adam Lambert broke up with his boyfriend Sauli Koskinen. [Us Weekly]
• Here's Tom Cruise making dumplings in Taiwan, guaranteed to make you—be you man, woman or houseplant—fully erect. [Daily Mail]
• WHY, Kristen Stewart, WHY must you "encourage Robert Pattinson to pursue his music career"? [Hollywood Life]
• R-Patz went out with Vince Vaughn and Joaquin Phoenix, who totally represent two puffy-sexy ghosts of his possible futures. [THR]
• My boyfriend Mindy Project star Ike Barinholtz is having his first baby with wife Erica Hanson. [Us Weekly
• Knox Jolie-Pitt: Still adorable, if you had any concerns about that. [Us Weekly]
• Chris Brown's revived community service case (he may have forged his completed hours) has been delayed until June. [WTVR]
• Andy Cohen's crack cultural analysis of the appeal of the Real Housewives franchise: "It's fun when everybody screws up. It's fun when I wear something stupid." (In case anyone was looking for a good epitaph: THAT.) [Page Six]
• Sofia Vergara on someday wanting to be a sick patient or a crazy hooker or something like that.

  ''Well, I've always taken advantage of [my looks], for sure. I've never been shy about it or apologised about it. I love it. If they need a sexy woman, I don't care - I'm not dying to prove anything else.
  ''It's like I would love to do something a little bit more dramatic and maybe like a sick patient or like a crazy hooker or something like that! But I'm happy playing characters that are portrayed sexy because I am who I am and take advantage of it.''

  DM Shonda Rhimes, yo! I bet she'd help you kill those two birds with one stone. [Contact Music]

What happens when capybaras stop being polite and start getting real? Adorable dozing. (Although I do like imagining that these capybaras are the Real World of capybaras, and we all know that all kinds of hijinks are gonna go on as soon as these little guys are out of the hot tub. Like maybe one of them is like "YOU HOOKED UP WITH SNOWFLAKE?!" and the other one is like "OMG, I SOOO didn't know you liked him," and then they throw their drinks at each other.)

But in the meantime, more dozing.

[Tastefully Offensive]

Roxanne Jones, former vice president of ESPN and current CNN opinion columnist, has joined the ranks of Fox and Friends' Gretchen Carlson to opine that we should all just lighten the fuq up about Obama's momentary, casual praising of California Attorney General Kamala Harris's physical assets as well as her intellectual ones.

The President was immediately way sorry for the snafu, and it was genuine, and totally accepted, and everything would be fine now, if only we didn't have people coming of the woodwork and saying that the whole thing was an overreaction. Cause, well, it wasn't.

Jones argues that President Obama, with his many nods to women during his time in office, is allowed to give a "lighthearted" nod to Harris's attractive appearance. Jones, meanwhile chooses to field what sounds like her constant barrage of catcalls in the workplace with a laissez-faire attitude.

Throughout my career, I've had to learn how to deal with men, and a few women, who made it a point to always comment on my looks. [...] Here's an example: One night, while I was working late in the office editing on deadline, a male co-worker stumbled into my cubicle in a drunken stupor, he slung himself on my desk and leaned into me, slurring: "Roxanne, you're so beautiful. Seriously, I've been watching you. ... Why don't you pay attention to me?"

The man was reported by a (male) colleague. But Jones' other example is when a sober co-worker said she looked like Tyra Banks this one time:

On another occasion, a senior executive speaking at an employee "town hall" meeting at work, pointed me out for a professional accomplishment, and then added: "Hey, Roxanne looks like that woman on the show, 'The Next Top Model.'"

Sure, I knew immediately that the comment was a little awkward. But I was in no way offended. And I did not want the executive, who had always been a champion for women in the workplace, to get any backlash for his comment. He didn't deserve the criticism.

I mean, sure? But Jones fails to acknowledge that it's not like it goes both ways. Nobody's like "Yeah, Attorney General Eric Holder's tough, independent, knows the law in and out from white-collar crime to counter-terrorism, and he's got an ass you can fry an egg on. JUST KIDDING! NOT KIDDING THOUGH REALLY."

Not to mention she totally Regina George-s/Samantha Brick-s out on us. Other women are the real problem here. Because they're jealous.

Honestly, when he made that comment I was more worried that my female colleagues would be angry with me. Women might not want to admit this but we often hate women who look good, are smart and successful.

Yep, we've all got a big lesbian crush on you.

'Obama comment sexist? I call it a compliment' [CNN]

Fuuuuck! If you've been meaning to do that professional hideous-Christmas-outfit group photo (or some other variation, as did my siblings and myself) for the last five years or thereabouts, we've got some bad news for you.

Newser reports that the Sears Portrait Studio, purveyor of delightful, unintentionally (and then intentionally) awkward family photos (memes before memes were memes!) since 1959 has suddenly closed, although Sears is currently "exploring all options" to resume their portrait services.

It was only a matter of time, since iPhone and digital camera pictures have taken the place of physical prints, as well as many professional photographers' jobs. :-|

[Newser]

Last September a horrific-sounding "intimate bleaching product" gained popularity in India and Thailand, which promised to make vulvas "fairer within four weeks." While the shock value garnered this a lot of coverage, sadly, skin bleaching has actually been immensely popular for quite some time.

According to the World Health Organization, 77% of Nigerian women use skin-lightening agents, compared with 59% in Tokyo and 27% in Senegal. Lighter skin tones are associated with better marriages and more access to jobs, and are particularly appealing to those who work outside all day. From ranges of DIY creams to hundred-dollar treatments in beauty parlors, it's expected to be a $10 billion global industry by 2015.

The products are available widely, but the video above focuses on one store's cosmetics section in Abuja, the nation's capital. Its owner, who stocks two shelves exclusively devoted to bleaching products, explains that the lightening process is gradual ("It's not something you wake up one day and decide ‘I want to be fair, I want to be like Michael Jackson,' and you go Michael Jackson all of a sudden.")

Some women only use the product on their face: the local lingo for this is "Fanta face, Coca-Cola legs." As you might expect, the bleaching products are immensely hazardous—and the particularly hazardous ones are actively sought out by some women, as they're assumed to be the most effective.

Many products contain mercury and hydroquinone, which can lead to kidney damage, skin rashes, discolouration and scarring. Excessive use may even cause psychological problems.

'Lighter shades of skin' [Economist]
'STARTLING NUMBER OF NIGERIAN WOMEN USE HARMFUL SKIN BLEACHING PRODUCTS' [The Blaze]

Catherine, Countess of Strathearn is shown a doll of herself* by Dayna Miller which she got as a Christmas present as she stops to talk to some school children during a visit to Dumfries House on March 05, 2013 in Ayrshire, Scotland. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge braved the bitter cold to attend the opening of an outdoor centre in Scotland today. The couple joined the Prince of Wales at Dumfries House in Ayrshire where Charles has led a regeneration project since 2007. Hundreds of locals and 600 members of youth groups including the Girl Guides and Scouts turned out for the official opening of the Tamar Manoukin Outdoor Centre. (Photo by Danny Lawson - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

* "Oh no, is that me? Is that meant to be me?" Kate asked Dayna Miller, 11, with a smile. "Does my hair really look like that?" Miller... reassured Kate that she was much prettier than the doll, and "she laughed and seemed happy."

Bey and Jay are currently celebrating their fifth anniversary eating, wearing tribal-printed DVF (her), smoking cigars (him), and posing with schoolchildren in Old Havana. They also brought their moms Tina and Gloria, as well as some bodyguards, just like you or I would do on our anniversary vacations, right?

The couple's come under fire from multiple Cuban-American groups for picking tumultuous Havana as the destination spot to blithely sip on daiquiris without studying up on the human rights abuses going on in the country. Cuban rights lobbyist Mauricio Claver-Carone spoke to TMZ:

Mauricio says he's disappointed the superstars chose to vacay in Cuba because, "There are women getting beaten on a daily basis, women who are being jailed for no reason ... people are fighting for their freedom. It's extremely insensitive."

Leave it to them to go somewhere contraband to the rest of us Muggles: Tourism in Havana is technically illegal due to the half-century embargo that America's has on the Communist nation, but according to the Miami Herald, "Washington has issued special licenses for cultural, religious, academic and other types of visits."

Maybe Jay-Z's hankering to smoke some H. Upmanns counted as a "cultural visit"? Or they just got a pass from a buddy.

'Beyonce, Jay-Z celebrate 5th anniversary in Havana, Cuba' [LA Times]

Social networks' chicken-egg impact on rape culture has been discussed in detail since before the landmark case in Steubenville (and, more recently, a quite similar case in Torrington, Connecticut). As of this morning, a Belfast teen's Facebook post about raping a woman has garnered 1,226 likes. (It was since reported and was taken down.)

The adults involved in cases like Torrington's often blame the cases on the hate-mongering Internet, because it's just... easier to do that, isn't it? A recent piece in the Atlantic on the issue asserts that retweets and likes only reflect rather than encourage the permissive, victim-blaming attitude that's been around long before Twitter or Facebook, and I'm inclined to agree.

On the other hand, you have to admire the tirelessness of the people who believe that expunging all of Facebook's gross violence and darkness would make a change. Yesterday, ABC News aired a segment on a 38-year-old Oregon mother of two named Tricia Hendren who co-founded Rapebook, a Facebook watchdog group that targets and attempts to shut down blatant misogyny and other forms of graphic trolling that goes against Facebook's terms and conditions. Says Hendren: "I have two young kids and I wasn't political at all and assumed it was a safe, happy place where you were there with your friends. And then I realized that it's really not."

Naturally, this being the Internet, Hendren and the other admins' personal information, including their home addresses, were leaked and the graphic threats came pouring in; eventually, Hendrin went off Facebook completely. As of 16 hours ago, Rapebook announced in a long post that that they were no longer an active group: "This page has achieved what it was set up to do. It has shown that Facebook's terms and conditions are null and void. We will leave the rest of the work for Facebook to do – or not."

It goes on:

When we widened our targeting of content that violates the terms and conditions, we pinpointed content that promotes hate speech towards minorities, such as races or women, or taking enjoyment in crimes like rape and murder. Facebook deemed the vast majority of these not offensive enough, stating that they are 'controversial humor'.

A Facebook spokesman elaborates, via Raw Story: "(Facebook) tries to have a very permissive attitude toward humor because different cultures have different views of what is or isn't humor... As you may expect in any diverse community of more than a billion people, we occasionally see people post distasteful content or make crude attempts at humor."

They add that its terms and conditions require a clear indication that a post is "in poor taste." (Jokes about sexually assaulting babies, for instance, remained on the site because it didn't threaten any specific baby.) But Rapebook's farewell posts points out that these guidelines are selective.

At the same time, feminist activism is targeted for quick deletion by Facebook. Facebook will leave a picture of a woman who lies, obviously physically hurt, at the bottom of stairs, captioned 'next time don't get pregnant'. At the same time Facebook will delete a picture, taken from a news item, of a woman who displayed her breasts at a political protest and temporarily ban all the administrators of a page that displayed it.

'Oregon Mom Challenges Facebook on Rape Posts, Becomes Target for Threats' [ABC News]
'‘Rapebook' activist targeted with rape and assault threats on Facebook' [The Raw Story]

Image via Pan Xunbin/Shutterstock

Gerard Butler, man, you are late to the game. But I'll give it to you because of that prom photo you took with Aaron Eckhart.

[via NYDN]