We already knew that the sequester would cut off 70,000 children nationwide to Head Start access, and subsequently cause the layoff of 14,000 Head Start personnel. (One of whom is my mother, incidentally; she works at Head Start in Trenton, and she is NOT psyched about what's going on.)

But the personalization of individual kids who lost access to Head Start, primarily the preschool children of low-income families, is more heartbreaking than those statistics show. In Indiana, the sequestration has forced two towns to implement a lottery system to make 1,000 cuts at random out of the 15,400 kids in Head Start statewide.

From Indiana's Daily Kos:

Columbus resident Alice Miller told WTHR-TV that her 4-year-old son, Sage, was one of the children cut from the program. She spoke about how the program has helped her son advance academically and socially.
"He can say his ABCs. He's counting to 100. He writes his name. I'm very proud of him," she said.

Miller said she was "heartbroken" when his name was not chosen at the lottery.

"He loves school," Miller said. "I don't know how I'm going to tell him he's not going back."

Head Start also provides free home visits, child care, behavioral and health screenings and family support to children living in poverty. Meanwhile, other communities in the country are protesting the cuts outside their local congressman's office, as in Grand Junction, Colorado.

:-|

Lord knows what kind of Kmart commercial would need to place an actual white tip shark into a 60,000 gallon pool in Van Nuys, California, but regardless of how cool the storyboard was, it wasn't worth it.

Shortly after its transportation—which was overseen by the American Humane Association to ensure the animal's safety—the shark began showing signs of distress.

"We honestly don't know why the animal died. It was not being mistreated. It was not being harmed," a rep from AHA has responded. Alas, the team over there seems to be doing a lackluster job these days: from HBO's ill-fated betting track show Luck to The Hobbit, animals on film and TV sets are being mistreated, ill-cared-for and placed in dangerous environments.

PETA's already on the case. "Sharks are sensitive animals who, in captivity, require a highly specialized and controlled environment. Given the delicate nature of this species, why would the AHA approve the transport and use of this animal?"

Moreover, not to state the totally obvious here, but if Spielberg could use a fake shark in Jaws, I think it would have been good enough for Kmart.

'Kmart Shark Dies After Being Placed Into L.A. Pool For Commercial' [HuffPo]

Photo via Paul Vinten/Shutterstock

Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William, Duke of Cambridge watch the races on day 4 of the Cheltenham Festival at Cheltenham Racecourse on March 15, 2013 in Cheltenham, England. (Photo by Danny Martindale/Getty Images)

On the bright side, her coat is lovely:

A study published in the Occupational and Environmental Medicine that sampled over 1,000 women—389 of whom were in the primary stages of the most common form of ovarian cancer—and 1,832 cancer-free women has determined that working night shifts increases the risk of ovarian cancer. The women interviewed are from 35 to 74 years old, and work in fields including health care, food service and office administration.

The International Agency for Research on Cancer had previously classified this type of shift work as a cancer trigger because it disrupts the body's internal clock. Despite this, studies between shift work and breast cancer have always been inconclusive.

In the present study, one in four women with invasive ovarian cancer had worked night shifts compared to one in three women that had borderline disease. About one in five women in the control group (those without the cancer) had worked night shifts. [...] Data analysis showed that night shifts alone increased the risk of invasive ovarian cancer by 24 percent and borderline disease risk by 49 percent.

24% is pretty damn significant, and the rate increases even more for women over 50. Researchers suspect this has something to do with the night shift workers' adjusted melatonin production, which is produced at night but suppressed by light. Melatonin helps to regulate hormones, particularly estrogen.

Additionally, of the night shift workers sampled, 27% classified themselves as "night owls" and 20% as "morning larks" (Put a bird on it?) Researchers discovered that the risk of advanced ovarian cancer was higher among the larks than the owls. Not that anyone really has to make a case for sleeping in, but maybe not being a morning person isn't as bad a habit as we thought.

'Night Shift Linked to Raised Risk of Ovarian Cancer' [US News & World Report]

Image via Martin Novak/Shutterstock

llya Zakharov of Russia competes in the Men's 3m springboard final during the day two of the FINA Diving World Series at the National Aquatics Center on March 16, 2013 in Beijing, China. (Photo by Lintao Zhang/Getty Images)

Fact: Kathleen Hanna's seal of approval probably won't quiet all the noise about whether Taylor Swift is Likeable/Super-Talented/Super Annoying/Lacks A Sense of Humor/A Feminist Even Though She Says She's Not/A Feminist's Nightmare—or, uh actually, let's just go with "Valid" as an all-encompassing term.

Nevertheless, '90s alt feminist hero Kathleen Hanna, formerly of Le Tigre and Bikini Kill, told the Daily Beast that she likes Tay-Tay. And that's good enough for me.

I'm totally into Taylor Swift. I think she has super-clever lyrics, and I love that she writes her own music. Some of the themes she writes about are stuff I wish was there for me when I was in high school, and I'm so happy she really cares about her female fans. She's not catering to a male audience and is writing music for other girls. I don't care if she calls herself a feminist or not. There is something that she's doing that feels feminist to me in that she really seems to have a lot of control over what her career is doing. She's 23. People say she's dating all these guys. Well, yeah, she's a young person and is dating all these people 'cause that's what you do when you're young. John Mayer can fuck 84 people in one day and nobody calls him a slut. I think that's the subtext of some of the things she's said recently.

On the other hand, Hanna has said that she doesn't particularly care for Ke$ha, Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Hmm!

'Feminist Punk Rocker Kathleen Hanna Is ‘Totally Into' Taylor Swift' [Taste of Country]

Tiny soaped-up dogs, man. That shit is ALL the cuteness. Unsurprisingly, the three puppies aren't into their bath as much as we are into watching it, but they're out soon enough and being warmed by Mommy's hair dryer. (The definition of derp: That pug at 1:11 in the video while it's being dried.)

[via Buzzfeed]

Yesterday the North Dakota Senate appproved two strict anti-abortion bills that had been waiting to be approved since February. They're now on their way to Republican Governor Jack Dalrymple for his signature, and he's quite likely to sign them into law, given his own anti-choice themed changes to lengthen the abortion waiting period in the state. FMLLLL.

The Draconian bill is rather similar to the one passed in Arkansas—basically, the state has barred the practice of abortion entirely if a fetal heartbeat can be detected, regardless of the presence of any genetic abnormality that may have otherwise caused the mother to opt for termination. Doctors who perform the procedure despite the existence of a fetal heartbeat may face a felony charge with a punishment of $5,000 and up to five years in prison.

Who's behind this, you ask? The movement was sponsored by five-term State Representative in North Dakota by the name of Bette Grande, whose other brain droppings include a bill that demands "returning tuition to college students if their instructors don't speak English 'with good pronunciation'" and naming February 6 as Ronald Reagan Day in North Dakota. Way to go, Bette Grande.

Additionally, Grande is a religious Christian and "family woman," which is more-or-less Christian code for "someone who would never put herself above a tiny, formless cluster of cells like you SELFISH HARLOTS." Above, you can watch her talk about Jesus.

The issues hit close to her, she said, having relatives with children born with a genetic abnormality and seeing an increase in discrimination toward individuals with Down syndrome and other genetic issues.

"It takes you back to Hitler, and we know where that went," she said. "He started going after those with abnormalities, and I think it's an absurdity we would go back to that kind of thing."

The underlying thing here is something huge and stupidly basic that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to understand Christians like Grande: Aren't they supposed to think that Jesus was nice? Because they make Jesus seem like a real asshole.

'Woman Behind North Dakota's Abortion Ban Hates Abortion Because Hitler' [The Atlantic]

I can't decide if Awkwafina's new music video, "NYC B*tch," is the greatest or the worst thing that's ever happened. Am leaning towards greatest, mostly because of this line: "Bitches live in Bushwick/They all live in Bushwick/They all love Bushwick/But I say fuck that shit." And how it gets really goofy at the end. And also, that's a Joan Didion book she's reading, right?

Have a nice Saturday night and drink lots of water!

I mean, how hard is it to catch a flight? This is a rhetorical question for Lindsay Lohan, who missed her plane last night from New York to attend her trial in L.A. this morning. (We're now on her twenty-something trial. When you move into the double digits, you should get a free Shakeweight or some turtle wax or an IHop coupon, right?)

Apparently she bounced from her original flight because she thought the plane was "unsafe" and has now chartered a private jet courtesy of energy drink company Mr. Pink. As we write this she has less than two hours to make it to court. Game on.

Our Lindsay faces charges of lying to a police officer about a car crash, reckless driving and violating her probation for a shoplifting conviction, and may be sent to the clink if she's found guilty of any of the above; she may have to serve 245 days. Her attorney Mark Heller insists that it's not an issue of substance abuse anymore:

"She does not need rehab," Heller told reporters after the last hearing. "I am hoping we will be able to come to some creative out-of-the-box answer."

Lohan is already undergoing "one-on-one psychotherapy," he said.

"Lindsay doesn't have a problem with alcohol and drugs," Heller said. "Lindsay has other types of issues that are being dealt with."

[CNN, TMZ]

On the latest episode of PBS's turn-of-the-century English drama Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim decided to have a competition to see whose vagina smelled better, and... actually, wait, let me just copy and paste because I can't.

When Khloe finally joined them in London, her older siblings shocked her by carrying out the plan, and in eye-popping scenes led the sisters in taking it in turns to wipe themselves on hand towels and forcing her to smell it.

'Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p****? Not really,' Khloe said. 'But we're sisters - If can't smell their p****** what else am I supposed to do?'

Kourtney was the first to present her towel, with Khloe sniffing and saying: 'Mmm, smells like a tropical island.'

As Kim walked out, Khloe told her 'I'm not smelling Kanye's ****', but Kim forced her towel on her.
'Oooh,' Khloe said, blushing. 'It smells like a flower p****.'

As the sisters waited for her decision, she finally said: 'Honestly, I will say that Kim's p**** smells the best."

[Daily Mail]

Taylor Swift said stuff. Look, it's a slow news day. Roll with it. Here she admits that "I Knew You Were Trouble" was about Harry Styles and discusses singing at the Brit Awards in that insane wedding dress with her ex-boyfriend in the audience:

''Well, it's not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is directed at is standing by the side of the stage watching ... You're balancing the analytical side of your brain which is telling you where to go and how to go there, with the other side of your brain, which is saying, 'Feel everything you're singing, and show it on your face. Feel everything exactly as you felt it when you wrote the song.'"

And here she is on wearing sneakers and sitting on the bleachers and being the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry.

''There's really no sound quite as loud as a phone not ringing, a letter unanswered. I don't quite understand it, because I either want to be with you or I don't ... I really don't feel like pursuing something that isn't real or isn't going somewhere, so if it's established that someone's commitment-phobic, I'm sorry - go be commitment-phobic with someone else. Because I'm not trying to scare you, I'm not pointing a gun at you; I'm offering to be with you.''

One great way to make that really clear is to wear a wedding dress everywhere, always. [Contact Music]

So it's come to this. Robert Pattinson is hiding from Kristen Stewart in the Outback. While he films his next movie The Rover in the middle of Bumblefuck, Australia, he's enjoying the peace and quiet for the next three weeks, at which point he has to go back to L.A. and talk to K-Stew. He's "dreading" seeing her again, which is a pretty good indication that maybe they should just break up. Guys. Just break up. [Radar Online]

In the same revealing article where Gwyneth Paltrow revealed that she'd miscarried a third child, which would have been a younger sibling to Apple and Moses, she also hints that her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin may be on the skids. Their relationship is "complicated," she says, and goes on: "Regardless of what happens in our marriage, I chose the best father. We are committed co-parents."

("They are still very much together," says a source.) [Heatworld]

Kate wants a boy. Wills wants a girl. Queen Elizabeth wants a corgi. Who will win? [People]

Prince Harry joked with a club-goer that he'd date him if he breaks up with Cressida Bonas and changes his mind about women as a whole. [Metro.co.uk]

• A French porn star is suing Bow Wow for $80,000 after he put a video of her dancing up on the Interwebs. [TMZ]
• Want to buy me Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman's Toyota? Thanksss. [TMZ]
• Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are fighting over their house in southwest London. [Contact Music]
• Britney Spears gave $100 to a homeless man on the street, which is totally nice, and also reminds me of this old-school SNL sketch. [Showbiz Spy]
• Blue Ivy's getting her own portable nursery when she goes on tour with Mommyoncé. [Entertainmentwise]
• Eva Mendes says that Ryan Gosling is "adorable" around kids. Raise your hand if you're surprised. No one? OK. [Independent.ie]
• Kylie Minogue's songwriter Cathy Dennis says that One Direction would be nuts to start writing their own songs. [The Sun]
• Let's play New Yorker Cartoon Caption or Real Life: David Hasselhoff is currently protesting the destruction of the historic Berlin Wall. [HuffPo]
• Charlize Theron went walking with her kid and a bunch of dogs. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Lil Wayne's hospital room is a hip-hop dork's wet dream. [Us weekly]
• Coco of "Ice Loves" had a birthday party with Ice-T at a club. LOVE. [Page Six]
• Cloris Leachman still knows how to party, and also screamed at a guy outside for smoking a cigarette. [Page Six]
• Marilyn Manson threw a smoke bomb into the parking lot of the theater where Spring Breakers was premiering because he's CRAAAZY, guys. "Apparently it's his signature move," says a source. Cool. [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus got a possibly-Liam-related tattoo of two Da Vinci-style anatomically correct hearts. [Hello Magazine]
• It still seems likely that Elizabeth Hasselbeck will get the boot from The View despite Barbara Walters' denial. [Page Six]
• Kate Upton might finally get a Vogue cover. [Page Six]
• Liza Minnelli and Alan Cumming went to the Copacabana Club for her 67th birthday and why the fuck wasn't I there? [Page Six]
• Ed Sheeran took a spill onstage. [NYDN]
• Prince played at SXSW for a record-breaking three hours that showcased his famous STAMINA (nahmean?), outlasted many concert-goers, at one point said hilariously: "Don't make me hurt you. You know how many hits I got?" [HuffPo]

In what sounds rather like a Portlandia cameo gone wrong (or right!), Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto was arrested on a drunk and disorderly charge in a Portland bar on Saturday night. Spoiler alert: It sounds like she was drunk and disorderly. She was cut off during the St. Patrick's Day festivities when the bartender decided she couldn't handle another drink; subsequently, either Ditto or a member of her entourage kicked the "scrawny" mixologist in the nuts.

"When Beth and her friends came into the bar they immediately said, ‘We have a superstar out here. Can we get some service?' "

Beth walked in and broke a glass. Bar staff cut her off and walked her out, but she just kept trying to come back in. She was screaming, ‘Don't you know who I am? I'm Beth Ditto. Google me, bitches.'

Beth went outside and stood in the street, took off her shoes and threw her purse down and started screaming ‘O-bam-a,' " our source said."

And:

"[She was] standing in the middle of the street with her arms extended from her sides like an airplane."

She was booked at almost 2 AM and released, pending a court date. Hope you drank some electrolytes, Beth! [Page Six, Billboard]

Not the best idea to ask the Internet to send dog shit to an elementary school, Charlie Sheen, but then, you're not known for your good judgment. After Sheen took to Twitter and complained about his daughter's school bullying problem, which he said administrators didn't take seriously, supporters of L.A.'s Viewpoint School reportedly stuck a butcher knife into a tree with a threatening note in Sheen's ex-wife Denise Richards' front yard, where their daughters could see it. [TMZ]

Beyoncé! You gained 57 pounds when you had a human being inside you, right? There are way more interesting things to ask you about, given that you are fucking BEYONCÉ, but this is Shape, and also people are dumb, so let's talk about what you eat:

"I always have breakfast, say, scrambled egg whites, a vegetable smoothie, or whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk. For lunch and dinner, I eat a lot of fish and vegetables. And throughout the day, I try to stay hydrated... I always treat myself to one meal on Sundays when I can have whatever I want. Usually it's pizza, which is my favorite indulgence."

Oh and quinoa, they all eat quinoa. [Us Weekly]

Sofia Vergara told Vogue that she's taking hormone pills, watching her diet and freezing her eggs in anticipation of having a child (reportedly via surrogate) with her noted douche nozzle fiancé Nick Loeb. "They want to get as many eggs as they can because usually you produce them but they're not good. They have to be perfect, perfect, perfect ones." [NYDN]

You know how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are considering leaving their domestic fuck-cave? Stephenie Meyer feels totally bad about that.

"Here's the thing: there are some actors who are looking to be world famous, to be that household name, and although they might discover that there are a lot of negative things involved in that, it's what they want. But that doesn't apply to Kristen and Rob. That's what makes it kind of ironic and tragic. [...] At the same time - and this is where the guilt comes from - it's created this nice peaceful place for me. They took all of my heat, which I feel bad about. If they had the choice, I don't know that they'd do Twilight again. It all came at a heavy price." [OK! Magazine]

• Miley Cyrus "refuses" to cancel her wedding plans with Liam Hemsworth. Can't he just, like, cancel them, though? Doesn't it only take one of the two people? [The Sun]
• Former Miss Kosovo Aferdita Dreshaj called off her engagement after photos were taken of her with Leonardo DiCaprio. [The Sun]
• Yay! Lil Wayne left the hospital. [TMZ]
• Live Schreiber, Square-Jaw Mensch, helped a lady who fell down. [NYDN]
• Omarosa Manigault is suing LaToya Jackson over tactless comments the latter made after being fired from Celebrity Apprentice: "[Omarosa's] a conniving, scheming, cut-throat, probably pulled the cord on Michael Duncan Clarke." :-|||| [Radar Online]
• Mama June Shannon broke out hella rhinestones at the GLAAD Awards. You go, Mama June Glenn Coco. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Crunchy lil' One Direction Popchip Harry Styles regrets dating Tay-Tay Swift. [TVZN.co.uz]
• Lindsay Lohan didn't accept her plea deal and chose 90 days of rehab lockdown instead because jail is scary. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are planning two different "his and hers" weddings. (Jennifer Aniston wants all the weddings?) [Female First UK]
• Katie Holmes covers Allure, says she's open having more kids and is considering becoming an attorney because she likes their "practical thinking." Bobbed-haircut Xenu worshipper, we hardly knew ye. [Us Weekly]
• Folk singer Jason Molina has passed away at 39. [NPR]
• Justin Timberlake confirmed that the second half of The 20/20 Experience is dropping later this year. [THR]
• Oh and, AND, some rumor was floating around that JT was gonna play Daddy Warbucks in the Quezvhane Wallis Annie, but his rep says it's not true, BUT it led me down the primrose Google path of "annie daddy warbucks, "Yul Brynner daddy warbucks," "yul brynner really sexy anyone else think so?? ok fine" [Page Six]
• SHOCKING NEWS: Ryan Lochte is into spring break culture. [Page Six]
• Downton Abbey's Dan Stevens looks... different. [Radar Online]
• New mom Amber Rose looks adorable. That dress! [Radar Online]
• Khloe Kardashian got pulled over for tinted windows. [Gossip Cop]
• Bruno Mars covers GQ, says he wants to be old and fat someday. [Just Jared]
• Guys. Ian McKellen is officiating Sir Patrick Stewart's wedding. MAGNETO IS OFFICIATING PROFESSOR X'S WEDDING. [Inquisitr]
• Tom Cruise is considering starring in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (Temple Grandin's favorite show!) [Vulture]
• This sign-in sheet from The Office auditions! Adam Scott as Jim? Matt Besser as Dwight? Mary Lynn Rajskub as Pam?! Can't we just make alternate Offices? [HuffPo]

While Jon Hamm is known for leaving only one thin layer of clothing between us and him, which has left an indelible imprint on the Internet/cultural landscape/your dreams, AMC is concerned that our more-than-passing acquaintance with his scrote is distracting us from all the Serious Acting that Jon Hamm's penis has been doing.

During the sixth season filming, Mad Men producers had to "politely" tell Hamm to put underwear on: "This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination," a source tells us, "[and] Jon's impressive anatomy is so distracting."

AMC has also taken to Photoshop throughout the series' run to make Jon Hamm's dick less prominent in promo shots. It's the end of an era! A look back, here, and here, and here, and here. And now, military taps, played by Jon Hamm's dick. [NYDN]

John Mayer and Katy Perry broke up. A source says it was over their schedules, but that seems to be the new de facto bullshit Hollywood excuse these days: "It's sad. It's not over until it's over. You have to see how things play out. She's leaving the window open. They have both been so focused on work." Relationships between insipid Cool Whip-bra-spraying pop stars and grade-A douchey singer-songwriters ain't what they used to be. [MTV News]

Daaaamn, is Naomi Watts accidentally-on-purpose throwing shade at her supposed best friend Nicole Freezyface Kidman?

''Never say never - and I certainly don't judge anyone who does it. But most of the characters I play are going through some kind of emotional turmoil, so my job requires me to have expression. If my face was froze, what right do I have to play that part? All the women who haven't done anything to their faces are still able to play great roles. 'And some of the ones who have done something have messed it up - they look freakish.''

Their next brunch is gonna be awwwwkward. [Contact Music]

Hahah, Gwyneth Paltrow is totally Regina George:

"I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I'm less threatening now that I'm 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. There's a sense of love and support. I feel really lucky."

Yeah, I'm sure other women were ESPECIALLY shaking in their boots after you did Shallow Hal. [Us Weekly]

• Weirdo couple Peter Griffin and Daenerys Targaryen broke up. (He saw her boobs, her dragon ate him.) [L.A. Times]
• The Today show is courting Maria Shriver. [TMZ]
• Our buddy Octomom is being investigated for welfare fraud. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan says that wasn't Lindsay Lohan partying right after her rehab sentence. [TMZ]
• Kelsey and Camille Grammer are fighting over their former "marital bed." [Page Six]
• Kimye are considering naming their baby North. Which was Kanye's idea, and which I am ashamed to admit that would kind of LIKE, except for the fact that it would be "North West," and, I mean, guhhhh. [Contact Music]
• And Kim Kardashian might get a tummy tuck post-baby. [Hollywood Life]
• Beeeecause she is apparently afraid that 'Ye's gonna cheat on her. [Radar Online]
• Victoria Beckham bought a convenience store because because because because because, because of the wonderful things she does. Or whatever. [Heatworld]
• Bradley Cooper and his new model girlfriend Suki Waterhouse walked around. [Page Six]
• Kristen Stewart did some tequila shots. [People]
• Snooki and J-Woww did some breast milk shots. [Gossip Cop]
• Harmony Korine told Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens to gain weight for Spring Breakers and they went to Taco Bell. [People]
• Sheryl Crow and her kids with this SEA LION. [People]
• Gisele Bundchen carried her baby around in a bikini. Newsnewsnewsnews. [Us Weekly]
• Julianne Hough's partying was too much for frosted-tip Keebler Elf Ryan Seacrest to handle. [Radar Online]
• One of the girls from One Tree Hill went out without makeup on. (The only thing I remember about the show was the theme song: I DON'T, WANNA BE, YEEEEAH YEAH.) [Us Weekly]
• Rumors about Lea Michele's diva behavior possibly leading to end of Glee have been greatly exaggerated (except I bet she is, in fact, a Mariah-grade diva). [Entertainmentwise]
• Cissy Houston reportedly begged Dionne Warwick to mentor her troubled granddaughter Bobbi Kristina. [National Enquirer]
• Rihanna began a concert in Canada two hours late and gave 0.00 fucks about it. [NYDN]
• Justin Timberlake tells an eight-minute story about his grandparents' romance as a prelude to the music video for his single "Mirrors." [Gossip Cop]
• HBO cancelled Enlightened because people are fucking fools with no taste. [Deadline]

Miley Cyrus, twerking, in a unicorn onesie. Because this is America.

Note: She is a unicorn, not a frog.

[Facebook]

Also: Her engagement ring has reappeared. What sorcery is this? [TMZ]

After Jay Leno surrenders his spot as Middle America's favorite late-night host on the Tonight Show, the position will be given to Jimmy Fallon and the whole shebang will return to New York from its current Burbank digs. (And, assumedly, transform from Leno's Vegas-y schtick to Fallon's Internet humor.) Insiders speculate this should happen by fall 2014. [NYT]

Shiri Appleby, who played Natalia on Girls this season but who will always be Liz from Roswell to me, had a full-frontal nude photo "leak." Some people speculate that it's an intentional promo stunt for her stint on Girls, which included one of the most-discussed sex scenes of the show's run. Also, she's totally waxed bare. Put your clothes on, Liz! Sheriff Valenti can walk in at any minute. [NYDN]

Ashton Kutcher doesn't want you following him and Mila Kunis into Starbucks.

"You know, I've learned the hard way how valuable privacy is. And I've learned that there are a lot of things in your life that really benefit from being private. And relationships are one of them. And I am going to do everything in my power to have this relationship be private. People can think whatever they want."

(And at a certain point, as if we didn't know: "You know, I didn't really go the starving-artist route. I kind of went and did massive, commercial things." Here I was thinking that dinner for Ashton Kutcher was gruel and a Cup O' Soup.) [Gossip Cop]

After a rather low-key courtship that began after their onscreen Mad Men affair, Pete Campbell and Rory Gilmore are engaged. Don't get him a Chip and Dip. He wants a rifle. [ABC News]

Monica Lewinsky's been hanging out in London with Sarah Ferguson and Kate Middleton's brother James, a.k.a. Life On The Royal B List. She looks great though. [Radar Online]

Amanda Bynes claims to have invented the phrase "LOLOLOL." And, scene. [Us Weekly]

• Kim Kardashian loved Kris Humphries when she TV married him. [TMZ]
• Bobby Brown got out of town, I mean, prison. [TMZ]
• Eli Manning and his wife Abby are expecting a second kid. [Us Weekly]
• Adrien Brody spent $20,000 on a painting of the Monopoly Man. Worth itttt. [TMZ]
• Gahh, everyone leave Aaliyah alone. [TMZ]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reunited and took this awkward photo with a fan. Isn't that the pussy-eating symbol she's throwing? [People]
• Jessica Simpson's baby Maxwell is pretty cute. [Us Weekly]
• Russell Brand called being married to Katy Perry "a drag." [Inquisitr]
• Katie Holmes maybe wants to be in a musical. [Page Six]
• CNN is poised to poach Elizabeth Hasselbeck if she gets fired from The View. [Page Six]
• Kate Gosselin totally reasonably told a stranger with the same last name to change it. [Radar Online]
• Ian Somerhalder called a dude who broke into his car a "dick" on Instagram. [Gossip Cop]
• Holly Madison was laughing while she delivered her baby Rainbow. [NYDN]

Sometimes-actress, always-perfectly-symmetrical-faced-human being Jessica Alba wrote a book called The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You. She is marketing it as "like GOOP, but for Poors like you and me."

"Gwyneth Paltrow probably lives a very similar lifestyle, but I didn't grow up with a bunch of money, so my tips are much more grounded: Repurposing things and making things at home." She said that her book is an honest description of how she handles her life, without the perks of being a successful actress.

Unlike Gwynnie, Jessica Alba, her husband Cash Warren and their kids live in a house made of recycled Popsicle sticks. One strong gust of wind and, oh NOOO, it's fallen down. They better go hit up the ice cream truck to get more sticks. :-( [Radar Online]

Rebel Wilson had a meeting about being in the next installment of The Hunger Games! But since the franchise is known for its secrecy, she didn't say much about it.

"Um, seriously, I have had a meeting about being in The Hunger Games. It was one of the people in the Capitol. That's all I'll say... Yeah, because there aren't a lot of roles open, because they've all already been cast, but that would be awesome. I'd love to be in The Hunger Games."

She also met Jennifer Lawrence at a party once and says she was "super-duper nice," as well as "quite tall." [MTV UK]

Watch out, every woman in the world, except the ones who aren't young and hot, and also the black ones: John Mayer is single, fresh out the kitchen, and going on his first tour in three years. Fleeing from the Full Metal Bra of ex Katy Perry, he'll start in Milwaulkee this summer and travel the country (and make stops in Argentina and Brazil) into October. Use a condom. [Billboard]

A 20-year-old Hawaiian surfer with angelic blonde curls and the silly-ass name of John John Florence hinted that he was dating Taylor Swift.

During a surfing event in Queensland, an Australian TV reporter asked him about Swift because she had heard "a little bit of something" about the two.

"Yeah, you know, it's kind of a secret thing going on right now," he said, smiling. "Can't bust it out in the public just yet."

However, before everyone starts screaming about Taylor jumping like a Harlot Frog from lily pad dick to lily pad dick, her camp says that she's never even texted John John John John John Florence. [E!]

Even though her butt won't be parked in one of those crazy alien swivel chairs this season, Christina Aguilera went to the season 4 premiere of The Voice with a makeunder that looked gorgeously dewey as fuq. Like she just wiped her T-zone with rose petals and walked out the door. Props! [Us Weekly]

• Lil Wayne thanks us for our concern in a video. Weeeezyyyy. [TMZ]
• One Direction fans misunderstood the chance to find 100 free concert tickets and began rooting through bandmate Liam Payne's garden. Humans are classy. [Digital Spy]
• Kate Winslet joined the cast of the upcoming Divergent, based on YA dystopian novels, which some are billing as the next Hunger Games. [Dawn]
• Matt Smith might be leaving Doctor Who. [Express]
• Lindsay Lohan's still gonna shoot her Anger Management episode before she heads to rehab, because the best thing to do before rehab is hang with human bath salts Charlie Sheen. [E!]
• Girls Aloud is splitting up. Does that mean anything at all to you? [Express]
• Headline of the day: something about Helena Bonham Carter "bringing the funk." [Express]
• Annnd here is some of the cast of The Big Bang Theory dressed up as Rocky Horror Picture Show characters. Anyone else still know all those songs by heart? No? Okay. ("So I'll remove the cause... but NOT. THE SYMPTOM." [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Either Kris Jenner's fridge icemaker produces crushed ice from the water of Ponce de Leon's Fountain of Youth or she's gotten a lot of work done. [Daily Mail]
• Jon Hamm is into Justin Timberlake's style. [People]
• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's daughter Seraphina got an adorable haircut. [Us Weekly]
• New mom Fergie confessed on Good Morning America that she doesn't know what she's doing with the tiny new person who lives with her. [Us Weekly]
• Queer Eye 10 year reunion!! [Page Six]
• BIG ANG. From Mob Wives. Are you guys aware of silicone-riddled idiot savant Big Ang??! (Her romantic advice: "Always make the guy love you more.") [Page Six]
• Seth Meyers might replace Jimmy Fallon on Late Night. [Page Six]
• Celebrity Mad Libs: Leonardo DiCaprio, Skrillex and an electronic cigarette. [Page Six]
• Emma Watson got naked for Earth Day. [Page Six]
• Michael Phelps has chest hair now. Word. [Radar Online]
• Emma Stone's Twitter got hacked. [Gossip Cop]

Um! Janet Hubert, who played Aunt Viv on Great Show of Our Time The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air wrote a letter to Wendy Williams after the talk show host asked guest Tatyana Ali why Hubert left the show. (Williams alluded to the bad blood between Hubert and Will Smith.)

The letter is not very nice. Here are some choice selections.

Wendy Williams, or whatever you are supposed to be, I'm not quite sure. I'm writing you yet again, to appeal to your sense of womanhood or manhood as some suggest. Please close your mouth about things that you know nothing of.

You are such a demon Wendy. You are wicked, awful, conniving, sinister, spiteful, jealous of every other woman. Simply put, Wendy you are a virus. You are not nor have you ever been a true woman. It seems as though your audience thirsts for the blood of others, as they are prompted to clap and hoop and holler at your shows and wigs and clothes.

Girl you will have some stars on your show and demean them before they even make it back home. I just would like to know who died and told you that you were reborn as Oprah. You want to be Oprah so bad that you would kill for it and you will kill anyone to achieve success. Sister, you will never be another Oprah. Oprah lifted her audience up and exuded an air of class.

So, here is my advice to you Wendy. I want to help you. Learn to sit in a chair and stop fidgeting with yourself on camera. Wipe your giant teeth off camera, and don't smear the spit on the chair. Please put some sweat pits under your arms, and darling if your sweater is pulling until there are lines across your chest, its too tight. You might want to deflate those tremendous breast. Take off the fake blonde hair. You have to stop playing the race card because you are coming off like a want to be white girl who will never be white.

Now take that, chew it my dear and stick it on your lord have mercy you are disgusting fly ridden gum wall. And that's the advice I have for you my sister. Peace.

Read it here in full. I picture it stapled to the front door of Williams' house like Martin Luther's 95 theses nailed to the church door. [NYDN]

• Gucci Mane was arrested for clocking a soldier over the head with a champagne bottle after he tried to take a picture with him. (When you're training to go to Afghanistan do you not learn to be wary of approaching a man who has a tattoo of ice cream that says "BRRR" on his face? [Gossip Cop]
• Heeeeere are Cory and Topanga's wedding rings. [People]
• Also, always-old Mr. Feeney is even older now. Mortality is real. [Gossip Cop]
• Soulja Boy took pictures of pot and codeine and put them on Instagram and people didn't like it. [Gossip Cop]
• Miley Cyrus is so psyched that Liam Hemsworth's back home, y'all. [People]
• Also, she just cut a single with Snoop Lion and can't wait for us to hear it, y'all. [ET Online]
• Katy Perry and John Mayer were fighting before they broke up, as human beings are wont to do. [Us Weekly]
• Un-made-up Calista Flockhart proves that vaguely fetal-looking beauty is all natural. [Us Weekly]
• 90210's Jessica Lowndes broke up with Olympian Jeremy Bloom. [Page Six]
• Producers of the Broadway version of Breakfast At Tiffany's tried to get Truman Capote's ashes for the premiere but it didn't work out. [Page Six]
• Martha Stewart pops her zits. [Radar Online]
• Britney Spears' "normal" boyfriend David Lucando is appealingly husky and dresses like Justin Timberlake. THERE'S YER NEWS. [Radar Online]
• Nicki Minaj's tits came out. [NYDN]
• Pippa Middleton has parted ways with her literary agent after the embarrassment that was "Celebrate." [Page Six]
• This whole "ask a celebrity to prom on Youtube" thing is totally irritating but OKAY I WILL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR THIS GOLDENDOODLE NAMED RAMONA WHO ASKED OUT BO OBAMA. [People]

In this handout image provided by Destination New South Wales, television personality Ellen DeGeneres (R) and partner Portia de Rossi* appear on stage during filming of her television show on a floating stage above Sydney Harbour on March 23, 2013 in Sydney, Australia. DeGeneres is in Australia to film segments for her TV show, 'Ellen' (Photo by James Morgan/Destination New South Wales via Getty Images)

*Yes, we spotlighted their surprisingly un-nauseating coupledom yesterday. But THIS. Especially Portia's dress! The Peter Pan collar! I can't.

Today's Cluster of Cells Outrage-Fest Boogaloo is a real doozie.

Yesterday the North Dakota House passed their stringent "fetal personhood" amendment with a 57-35 vote, which, when proposed to voters in 2014, will ban all abortion with no exceptions for rape, incest, or when the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy. But the ripple effect continues throughout women's health issues; it may outlaw some forms of contraception and IVF.

Here's Keith Mason, president of the anti-abortion advocacy group Personhood USA, lying through his teeth:

"This amendment strikes the balance of accomplishing more for the unborn than any other amendment the nation has ever seen, while protecting pregnant women and their right to true medical care."

Did the definition of "protecting" change to "oppressing,

Similar bans were turned down in Mississippi and Colorado, but North Dakota—which recently pushed through a six-week abortion ban courtesy of our best Jesus-friend Bette Grande—has now established itself as one of the nation's frontrunners in anti-choice butthurt. The president of the North Dakota Medical association calls it "a direct insertion of the state into the physician/patient relationship" and fears that it may even affect life-saving organ transplants.

Even some of the state's Republicans oppose it, and plan to join a women's health rally on Monday.

Representative Kathy Hawken says: "We have stepped over the line. North Dakota hasn't even passed a primary seatbelt law, but we have the most invasive attack on women's health anywhere. [...] I have so many friends with grandchildren from in vitro fertilization, and to take that away from these people who desperately want children is not okay... I believe if men had babies we would not be having this discussion."

Another bill passed in February at the same time aimed to shut down the sole women's health clinic in the state, the Red River Women's Clinic in Fargo.

'North Dakota Lawmakers Send ‘Personhood' Amendment to Voters' [Bloomberg]
'North Dakota Personhood Measure Passes State House' [HuffPo]

Image via Dragana Gerasimoski/Shutterstock

It's only been a few days since the controversial firing of developer evangelist Adria Richards, who was let go from SendGrid after drawing the Internet's attention to a bunch of fratty programmers cracking wise about "dongles" and "forking" during a speech about making the tech community more welcome to women. Nobody learns anything! Yay!

Luke Winkie, the author of Complex's 40 Hottest Women In Technology slideshow, says he didn't mean, you know, "hot" women. He meant "cool" and "mostly normal looking women" who were doing "really interesting" things in the tech field and going "far beyond" the nature of the list. Unfortunately, he says that a number of Muggle-looking women were cut in editorial. Don't you hate when that happens? Nobody—least of all some of the "regulation hotties" included in the final actual slideshow—was happy.

"In my world we wouldn't ever have to create lists of women to make money on the internet," Winkie explained on Twitter. "Unfortunately we don't have (sic) live in that world yet." But the click bait-y name of the list, which he was responsible for writing, he's since apologized for:

Winkie says that among the women who were cut was a Kenyan woman who ran a government watchdog website and a video game designer. Naturally, the women left on the list are those like Marina Orlova, clad in what appears to be a micro-schoolgirl outfit, with the caption: "The popular Internet sensation is now host of a bi-weekly radio show on Sirius Satellite Radio for Maxim." Good for her, of course. But ughhhhhhfuuu.

Winkie's innocuous original copy is still included in the slideshow's intro:

"Technology has been a boy's club for most of its existence. Just another unfortunate repercussion of the patriarchy. But that's been slowly changing, and over the last decade we've seen a number of wonderful, intelligent, and cunning women make inspiring strides in the field of technology."

'The Guy Who Wrote the Hottest Women in Tech Slideshow Is 'Bummed' [The Atlantic Wire]

Granted, these critters aren't getting this shit on the street: "Hey, baby, why don't you smile? You'd be so much prettier if you smiled!" But watch this series of animals flash 7th grade class picture-style grins from the tiny cockles of their hearts. And the frog! Ahhh, the frog!!

[via Tastefully Offensive]

A 19-year-old Tunisian girl was committed to a mental hospital by her parents after posting topless photos of herself in on a website for the Ukraine-based topless radical protest group FEMEN. Amina (last name unknown), had been corresponding online with FEMEN leader Inna Shevchenko since the end of February, mostly discussing the introduction of a branch in Tunisia.

On March 16th, Amina appeared on the Tunisian talk show Labes (posted above), her face blurred to protect her identity, to discuss her yen to bring FEMEN to Tunisia. One Twitter user points out:

She disappeared four days ago after her family's discovery of her topless shots on the website she'd created for FEMEN in Tunisia (which has since been hacked and replaced with excerpts from the Quran). From The Atlantic:

One photo shows her topless, smoking a cigarette, with "My Body is My Own and Not the Source of Anyone's Honor" scrawled in Arabic across her chest. Another shows her raising her middle fingers to the camera, with "Fuck Your Morals," written on her torso.

The Salafi Islamic preacher Almi Adel, who serves as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in Tunisia, called for Amina to be stoned to death for possibly inciting an "epidemic" that's given "ideas to other women." In her attempts to track Amina down after the girl's Facebook was removed and her phone died, Shevchenko came across a video of Amina's aunt saying that she was "now with her family. She had decided to kill herself and so posted nude pictures of herself online."

Richard Dawkins, the author of The God Delusion, has voiced his support for Amina, and other concerned individuals have flocked to Twitter with the hashtag #amina, a campaign on Free Thought Blogs to make April 4th the International Day to Defend Amina. There's also a petition to protect the girl over on Change.org.

'Tunisian Woman Sent to a Psychiatric Hospital for Posting Topless Photos on Facebook' [The Atlantic]