We already know that Camilla Paglia jumped the shark awhile back—perhaps an entire school of sharks, while wearing a neon-pink ski hat and scream-singing Ace of Base's "I Saw The Sign." This might account for the rant before this one, which concerned how best-selling, powerful female artists Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are sexless, vapid idiots killing feminism; on the other hand, best-selling, powerful female artists Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez are nothing more than the fulfillment of Paglia's Exotic, Sassy Minorities fetish. (Paglia writes of J. Lo: "[She] will go down in history for a revolutionary full-page photo in a 1998 Vanity Fair where she fetchingly turned her ample, lingerie-clad buttocks to the camera." And not for any other reason.)

A few days ago Paglia covered the Sunday Times Magazine with a piece that compares the similarities of the late Princess Diana and Rihanna's "ravishingly seductive flirtation(s) with the press," using each photo opportunity to convey "allure, defiance or revenge." She praises Rihanna's Instagram shots for their "genuinely artistic atmospheric eroticism," comparing this image of Princess Diana outside the Taj Mahal alone with shots of Rihanna on her balcony in Barbados.

Haha, OKAY, so here's the problem.

Paglia added that both women were victims of a "festering romantic triangle and had transformed themselves from 'sensitive, wounded, but appealingly bubbly and good-natured provincial girls' into 'living sculptures for the lens.'"

This echoes a previous nugget of absolute crazyfood in her Perry/Swift piece: "Urban rappers' notorious sexism seems to have made black female performers stronger and more defiant." Once again, she imbues the men involved in these women's' lives as some kind of weird Ultimate Source of Power that zaps their talent into them.

So women can basically only be strong or interesting (in a way that Paglia approves of, I mean!) when they're being oppressed or abused. Sure, it's impossible to listen to Rihanna's "Stay" without putting it in context, but to infer that her ability to ensnare her millions of fans owes itself to fucking Chris Brown, of all people... I mean, shudder.

'Rihanna is the new Diana': Provocative claim by feminist writer Camille Paglia' [ONTD]
Double Take [Sunday Times of London]

Maybe "joy" is overstating it, since having your front limbs mauled by sharks is a tough thing to get over. But thanks to the perseverance of a group of researchers at the University of Tokyo, loggerhead sea turtle Yu Chan can swim again after a shark attack. 27 prosthesis models later (see? Perseverance), she's back in her tank at the Suma Aqualife Park in Kobe, Japan.

So everyone stop being such a miserable jerk and live by Yu Chan's example. By which I mean, in a shell with weird barnacles on it.

'Q&A: How a Turtle With Fake Limbs Got a Leg Up' [Newswatch/NatGeo]

Before Jessica Biel became a married lady, every morning she hesitantly donned an overly-starched uniform with a name-patch that read "Please Be My Husband" on it. But now that she's got a ring on it, she can rock ANY outfit she wants! At least, according to her friend and stylist.

And her longtime stylist and friend Estee Stanley credits a certain accessory for Biel's noticeable confidence on the red carpet: her wedding ring. "I definitely think any woman changes after [she gets] married," Stanley tells PEOPLE. "I feel like she feels more secure and safe on the planet having found her partner."

Yes, we all know that before you are married there is a very strict dress code of flat-ironed blonde hair, low-cut shirts, tight pants, approximately 3" hoop earrings and a delicate watch. (If you were unaware of this, please refer to the latest installment of The Rules). Go on, Estee.

"This [marriage/style] security manifests itself in less behind-the-scenes fussing: "It's not ‘should I do this or should I do this?' It's like ‘Okay, great!'" she says."

Right. Except over the summer, Biel admitted to InStyle that Timberlake actually picks out her outfits for her.

I had no say whatsoever. I don't micromanage. He is fearless in his choices and has a real eye for design. And I'll be honest: He has better taste than I do. When I walk out of the closet after getting dressed in the morning, I'll go like this [turns palms upwards as if to say, ‘Well?']. And he goes like this [shakes head no]. Then he picks again. It's hilarious.

Wow, that does sound really liberating! Yay for sartorial autonomy. [People, HuffPo]

• Kanye West, rather incredibly, has taught Kim Kardashian the value of privacy, says Kim Kardashian. Yeah, you never hear about those guys! [E!]
• Prince William has been "studying diaper changing videos." Kind of makes my heart sing? [Monsters and Critics]
• Hugh Jackman has worn the all-important Best Hair On Face award. Brad Pitt came in last. [Daily Mail]
• Mischa Barton is stiffing a bunch of "sober coaches" she used to stay dry back in 2009 to the tune of $90k. Ryan clearly did not rescue her from that gutter in Tijuana in time. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Lopez's bright-red tracksuit that reads "I Am Love" is Woody Allen's final reason that life is worthwhile in the movie Manhattan. It comes right after "Tracy's face" and was cut for time. [Bossip]
• Josh Duhamel imitates Psy, Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift for the Kids Choice Awards. Uncomfortable. [People]
• Here is Wiz Khalifa cuddling his new son Sebastian Taylor Thomaz, snapped by Amber Rose. [People]
• Nick Carter got engaged to a woman named Lauren Kitt. [People]
• Diane Lane and Josh Brolin signed their divorce papers on Valentine's Day. [People]
• New Catching Fire poster! [Hitfix]
• Adrienne Maloof paid $25,000 to make out with Mario Lopez for charity, and to achieve no-hands orgasm. [TMZ]
• Steven Tyler has spent at least $5 million on limited-edition eBay Beanie Babies. Just kidding, on cocaine. [TMZ]
• RIP Cleotha Staples of the Staples singers. [Vulture]
• Michael "CHRISTOPHAAAA" Imperioli will guest-star on one of the last episodes of The Office. [Vulture]
• Howard Stern stuck up for Kelly Clarkson in her feud with Clive Davis. [Radar Online]
• Justin Bieber was turned away from a Manchester bar because "he shuffles on stage" (???) [Gossip Cop]
• Emma Watson dropped her cell phone in her soup. And, scene. [Daily Mail]

Actors Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer attend the GREAT British Film Reception at British Consul General’s Residence on February 22, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jonathan Leibson/Getty Images for The British Film Commission)

Or if you'd prefer the Blue Steel version:

Since the brilliant concept of "pot ledom" was already taken during Cycle 17: All-Stars (did you guys see that? What the FUCK), producers needed to come up with another gimmick to draw viewers into America's Next Top Model.

In addition to adding Rob Evans and the blogger Bryanboy to the judges' panel, they will be assimilating some pretty dudes into the mix: eight men and eight women will be facing Hurricane Tyra and competing to become America's Next Top Person to immediately disappear into obscurity after their title is won. Yay!

To date, of course, there have been an absurd 20 (count 'em) seasons—sorry, CYCLES—of The Most Important And Realistic Modeling Reality Show There Has Ever Been, Ever. Couple that with the unceremonious axing of cueballed hottie Nigel Barker and the dream team of Mr. and Ms. Jay last April, and it is no surprise that they need to freshen up a little, you know, in the down there.

Meanwhile, congrats, men! Finally, you are no longer barred from ANTM based on your gender. Because this right here? This is AMERICA.

'America's Next Top Model' twist: Male models join the mix next cycle' [The Clicker/Today]

It came to light in September that celebrities like Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and more have been buying fake Twitter followers to boost their numbers.

However, you, like I, may have been under the impression that only pluck, dedication, ingenuity, a smattering of luck, an expensive Rolodex and the occasional sexual favor could land your magnum opus on a well-respected bestseller list. We were wrong!

A clever San Diego-located marketing consultancy company called ResultSource can guarantee clients no less than a number 1 spot on lists like The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times—as long as they fork over the cash accordingly. Their foolproof method is to break up obvious book-selling boosting bulk sales into smaller purchases that could be made by real people or organizations and overcome the attempted safeguards established by these lists.

For example, The Times samples sales from multiple retail outlets in order to avoid an artificial result. (Naturally, their rep was rather curt with the Forbes reporter on the ResultSource story.)

One author who used the service describes the pay grade as such:

To ensure a spot on The Wall Street Journal's bestseller list, I needed to obtain commitments from my clients for a minimum of 3000 books at about $23.50, a total of about $70,500. I would need to multiply these numbers by a factor of about three to hit The New York Times list.

There's nothing clandestine about the company's services, either, who are quite clear on their website about the process. However, Amazon has told WSJ that they have chosen not to do business with the company in the future.

Moral of the story: Everything's a racket, we should all just be sherpas.

'Here's How You Buy Your Way Onto The New York Times Bestsellers List' [Forbes]

Image via TrotzOlga/Shutterstock

Like many single women, I have a Saturday brunch ritual with friends. When friends aren't available—or sometimes when they are, but I feel cranky or sub-human or haven't washed my hair for so long it could be the inciting incident for Contagion 2—I take myself out with my computer or a book to inhale an embarassingly bougie omelet (that EXISTS, guys) and get some shit done.

Among the many social hazards of eating for one (being ignored by waiters; being sandwiched in between two Bloody Mary-drunk groups of friends at a bar; being judged for drinking alone, etc.) is something that may or not be specific to me.

Nearly every week, no exaggeration, some guy comes up to me and goes, "Sasha?" (Or something like Sasha.)

"No, sorry."

"Oh." Guy looks sheepish, shrugs, apologizes, derps off into the horizon.

After this happened a few times and I caught the drift of what was going on—the awkward search for your OK Cupid first date at the restaurant bar—I began to add on:

"Good luck!"

I have long been aware that I vaguely resemble every girl someone used to live with/was in drama club with/went to UJA camp with. For years, people have been telling me emphatically: "You look just like this girl I know/used to know!" (it's never a good friend, always just a girl they know) to which I usually respond with a shrug and a "Thanks? I guess?" because what else can you say? It's not really a compliment or an insult; I suppose I am just a template for a certain kind of girl. Which doesn't feel good or bad so much as just a thing that exists that I have gotten used to at this point.

It was only after OK Cupid became ubiquitous that men started coming up to me, hedging and scuffing their Converses, then smiling bravely and blurting, "Leah?" or whatever, and it's different from all the other times that I've been mistaken for other women: they think I'm Leah or Sasha because I am of a certain age (26) and alone at a place/time that is conventionally reserved for friends or couples.

I'm not on a dating website for no good reason other than the fact A) I don't feel like going out of my way to look for anybody and B) My job already requires me to be on the Internet more than is probably healthy. I'm also a complete voyeur by nature, and the idea of what is essentially playing Pokémon Snap but with human beings would be completely addictive. So were I to join up, I would lose my already passing acquaintance with fresh air and sunlight and end up looking like a shower-shriveled thumb. Who wants to date that?

I will admit: as I scarf my omelet like a Dickensian orphan with a MacBook Air, I keep my eye on the guy having a coffee at a table for two and waiting for his Sarah or Leah or Sasha or Jen. What if she doesn't show up? Maybe he'll walk over to me—Jen 2.0, an ersatz Jen, just as much a stranger and a possibility—and be like, "How's that omelet?" And I'll be like, "There's not enough goat cheese in it." And he'll be like, "That sucks," and then we will fall in love and get married?

But JenLeahSasha shows up every time, and also weirdly looks nothing like me.

Image via Jose AS Reyes/Shutterstock

The magic spell that FLOTUS has cast on the nation continues: the First Lady appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon last night to exhibit the evolution of Mom-dancing as part of her Let's Move initiative, closing with the Dougie for which she is now Internet-famous. Plus Jimmy Fallon in momdrag.

Allow me to save you some time: Mobama's cardigan is, of course, J.Crew. Goddamn it, you guys. She's so perfect.

[Buzzfeed]

While it's completely obnoxious to assume everyone can afford it, there is no bigger argument for seeking out farm-to-table sustenance than the recent spat of recalled foods. While the latest mass-produced recall snafu does not quite approximate the horror of the glass-sprinkled Lean Cuisines, it definitely stacks up to England's "maybe we'll put this horsemeat in here and nobody will notice!" problem.

After two consumer complaints, The U.S. Department of Agriculture's Food Safety and Inspection Service denotes that a Virginia packing company called Smithfield has recalled around 38,000 lbs of their "Gwaltney mild pork sausage roll"—which, let's face it, already sounds delicious, right? Right?—because they may contain small pieces of plastic. They think it's probably from gloves, as if determining this would make absolutely anyone feel better.

The recalled products are, specifically:

1-lb. chubs of "Gwaltney mild pork sausage roll" with a use-by date of Mar. 12, 2013
Cases containing chubs of "Gwaltney mild pork sausage roll" with a case code of 78533109741

The sausage was produced on Jan. 11 and was distributed in Alabama, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, North Carolina, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and Texas.

LOL, "chubs." Anyway, if you're in any of those states, return your Gwaltney sausages, unless you feel like washing them down with a 1-litre of battery acid and/or are in fact a robot. Look: in an ideal world, we could all afford to eat free-range, organic whatever-the-fuck. But until then (the 12th of Never) food distributors need to get their shit together.

'38,000 pounds of sausage recalled after customers complain of plastic pieces' [CBS News]

Image via Joe Gough/Shutterstock

When a guy named Trevor Maltby left his car at the Cairns International Airport in Australia to go on a six-day business trip, he returned to find a small bird perched on top of a tiny nest on the windshield wiper blade of his Audi hatchback. This is one of the few occurrences in life that is both A) a really good omen for future forever peace and happiness, B) extremely inconvenient when you have to drive home from the airport.

Says Maltby:

"At first I thought it was just trying to 'blend in,' then I noticed it looked like it was trying to make a nest. As I got closer it appeared it was not about to fly away."

Like that scene in Bridesmaids where Maya Rudolph takes a shit in a wedding dress, in the street, the dove was like, "It's happening. OH GOD. IT'S HAPPENING." Meanwhile, Maltby got a co-worker to come help him try to shoo the bird politely.

"I called over a colleague who had just arrived on the same flight and got him to come have a look. ... I took a picture of it sitting there, then we both tried to give it a bit of a hurry up-we could basically pet it if we wanted to- and my colleague put his hand right up to it's face, and that's when it raised its wings and exposed those eggs."

Maltby could have been a dickhead. Instead, he called the local wildlife foundation and learned about doves. He shares his knowledge: "They are known for nesting in awkward places." What a mensch.

Wildlife officials told him that they could come and relocate the nest or he could leave the car there and wait for the eggs to hatch. He offered to leave the car and got a ride home with his co-worker. However, the wildlife foundation concluded that the airport parking lot was a terrible place for them and took them to an incubator.

Maltby got his car back, and the dove will probably lay again soon. Perhaps on YOUR car. And only then will you learn what kind of person you really are.

'Bird makes home, lays eggs on car's windshield wiper' [Yahoo News]

Image via gorbok/Reddit

Although the 2013 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was the latest example of the egregious use of international people and their so-called "traditional ways" as contrasting props and backdrops for the models, Deputy Editor Dodai Stewart pointed out that many examples came before—Free People, British Vogue and J.Crew, to name three examples.

Unfortunately, this does not appear to be going away. A tipster drew our attention to the selection of images below that are appearing in a Spring 2013 campaign by Americana Manhasset, a Long Island luxury shopping outlet with over 60 high-end shops including Louis Vuitton, Prada, Gucci, Dior, Chanel, Hermès, and Cartier.

It features some white ladies running around Vietnam with various national citizens peddling their wares or doing their fieldwork in the background. Which was obviously totally natural, right! Not at all planted there by the fashion shoot team to give it that "authentic feel." (And yes, in some of the shots there is a handsome Vietnamese male model: but that is not a carte blanche that makes the following images okay.)

To parse these ads requires a rehashing of the concept of the "centrality of whiteness" in advertising: the neo-colonial notion of kicking back and luxuriating in the servitude of non-whites—quite frequently the white women are in the literal center of the frame—and the depiction of any non-Western culture unchanged by the passing of centuries. Some parts of Vietnam are obviously rural, but it is no coincidence that these models aren't placed in, say, in Hồ Chí Minh City, which looks like this:

The weirdest part of all is that although the images appear Photoshopped, it seems like they were actually on location if you go by this behind-the-scenes video. In this one, the description explicitly states that it was filmed in a hallway of Vietnam's Imperial Palace.

And now, the ads:

all images via Americana Manhasset

Nothing in your life could have prepared you for the The Dog-E! Red Carpet Special, featuring Anne Hathawag, Jennifur Lawrence, and Djamie Foxhound. Nobody seemed to manage to be able to do something with the name "Quvenzhané Wallis." Quvenzhané Waggis, duh. Props for Anne Hathawag though.

Also: how about Argo Fetch and Zero Bark Thirty? Hold your applause for my punning until the end of the ceremony, please.

[via HooplaHa]

Yael Cohen is the author of We Killed, a recent oral history of the double standards leveled on female comics. Cohen has an interesting piece on The Cut today about the fascination/accolades for celebrities who drastically change their bodies for a role—and how it is particularly significant in the case of A-list actresses (e.g. Charlize Theron, Natalie Portman, Hilary Swank, Nicole Kidman and her prosthetic nose, and so on).

In an interview with USA Today in 2004, Renee Zellweger, who put on 30 pounds to play chubby Brit Bridget Jones, complained: "What's interesting is why the fixation... It's such an infinitesimal part of the characterization. I mean, who cares?" She went on to ask whether men had to suffer under the same scrutiny. And although there has been quite a bit of discussion about the way men manipulate their bodies (remember Christian Bale in The Machinist?), it never feels quite as loaded. That's especially true when an already-skinny actress like [Anne] Hathaway or [Natalie] Portman drops more than twenty pounds for a role. Aren't they already thin enough? Also when we tell a plumper Zellweger that she looks better than ever.

While Cohen explains that the phenomenon began with Robert DeNiro's 60-pound weight gain for Raging Bull, she fails to acknowledge the obsessive media chronicling of Matthew McConaughey's drastic weight loss to play an AIDS patient in the upcoming Dallas Buyers Club, which may imply that the trend has more to do with the increasing celebrity-watching voyeurism than it does with a female-centric issue.

However, the obvious relevance is Hathaway's starvation to prepare for her Les Mis role as Fantine and her subsequent Oscar nod.

'Why Extra-Skinny (Or Fat) Actresses Win Oscars' [The Cut/NY Mag]

Yay for our foremothers (is that a word?) Alice Duer Miller! This baller piece of old-school Americana comes via @iRevolt. My favorite: "Because if men should adopt peaceable methods women will no longer look up to them." Zing.

FYI: Duer Miller was a poet, writer and Barnard College alum whose name appears in the first-ever issue of the New Yorker as an advisory editor. I haven't even put pants on today.

Any Sex and The City enthusiast knows that playing Charlotte York is a thankless affair. Kristin Davis—who turns 48 today—is given the pratfalls, the camel-toes, and all the other gross-out moments one might think of.

And today there is no better excuse to post this clip from the Sex and The City movie when she shits herself in Mexico and Carrie discovers that, yes, she can laugh again after being left at the altar. But only when something is really, really funny. (Christ, I'm a loser.)

Have a great weekend, guys!

While you were staggering home in a prosecco haze, celebrities were still out partying, and here's some post-Oscar nuggets for you to munch on. Okay, so yeah, Jennifer Lawrence fell down on her way to collect her Best Actress Oscar. We can perhaps attribute this to her previous confession that she was planning to get shithoused during the ceremony, and also because Lawrence and most of these women are wearing fucking TORTURE CHAMBER dresses and heels that are stilts, and those two things don't jive well. (It was either that or the Lena Dunham Golden Globes waddle.) Anyway, she accidentally/on purpose gave someone the finger in the press room after her win and then looked shocked. Amazing. [Just Jared]

After that, she went to Soho House in Hollywood and had an "intense conversation" with Leonardo DiCaprio while resting her hand on Bradley Cooper's shoulder, which drew "envious stares from other women." [Page Six]

While Seth MacFarlane flirted with the boundaries of propriety, The Onion was pushing the limits on Twitter: a tweet from the satirical publication, deleted about an hour it was posted, read "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" Naturally, it set Twitter alight. GOD, her dog purse is so much more important than any of this. [HuffPo]

Also:

Unsurprisingly, Elton John's huge annual Oscars party beat the one you went to last night, particularly because it benefited the Elton John AIDS Foundation. Heidi Klum wore a very low-cut dress ("A lot of people are complimenting my dress, but they aren't looking into my eyes when they say it"... "I'm worried about it because my boobs could fall into my dinner, so I'm being very careful."), Anna Paquin used a lint brush on Stephen Moyer, Matthew Morrison, Chris Colfer, Bono, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj were also in attendance. And then they all fucked. JK. [Page Six]

BAAH, and also John and David Furnish's son Zachary Furnish-John in a babytuxedo. [Hello Magazine]

Jim Carrey was there too, and he wore huge fake feet. I worry about him. [vh1]

Oh and Britney Spears, who is NOW A BRUNETTE. Life, forever altered. [Daily Mail]

Why was Kristen Stewart limping and cranky at the Oscars? She stepped on broken glass.

Anne Hathaway, holding her new Oscar, ran into Kristen Stewart, who was on crutches, backstage.

"Oh no!" Hathaway said.

"I know, I'm an idiot," Stewart replied. "But congratulations!"

"Please tell me you're going on stage with those," Hathaway said, pointing to the crutches.

"Nope. I'm gonna hobble," Stewart said.

"Well, break a leg," Hathaway said. "Oops."

[AP]

Meenwhilez, Christina Applegate married her longtime boyfriend Martyn LeNoble, the father of her 2-year-old daughter Sadie Grace in a small private ceremony on top of a mountain, and there were flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And they danced 'till the sun rose, and their children will form a family band, and you were not invited. [Us Weekly]

More Oscar gossip:

• Renee Zelwegger did not look like herself. [Daily Mail]
• Harvey Weinstein's daughter Lily came up with the idea to have Michelle Obama introduce last night's Best Picture nominees. [Independent UK]
• Meanwhile, Charlize Theron rushed to help an Academy Awards security guard who was having a seizure. She's the best. [E!]
• Oh, man, that Chris Brown/Rihanna joke that Oscars host Seth MacFarlane made last night. Damn. [HuffPo]
• And a full roundup of the sexist jokes by MacFarlane are here. [The Cut/NY Mag]
• D'aww, Jamie Foxx took his daughter Corrine to the ceremony 8 years after the first time he took her, when he was nominated for Ray. (She was 11.) [People]
• There is now a Twitter devoted to Anne Hathaway's Oscar-dress nipples. (It was just the darts of the dress, you guys, I think?) [Twitter]
• "George Clooney showing off a freshly grown beard for a new role at the Night Before Gala at the Beverly Hills Hotel." Way to go with the subtle allusion to the copious Smirkface Silverfox gay rumors, Page Six. Very classy. [Page Six]
• Katie Holmes went to L.A. for an ICM Oscars party and my boyfriend Christoph Waltz was there. (New best friends? Would be so fun and incongruous!) [Page Six]
• At the Oscars last night Halle Berry looked so awesome in an Ayn Rand heroine kind of way. (Under ordinary circumstances, that would be an insult, but the Oscars are so YOLO!) [HuffPo]

And some Muggle gossip:

• Akon is being sued by a guy who says he stage-dove right on top of him. [TMZ]
• Ryan Lochte is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, consuming, can't-live-without-each other love. And he hopes to find it on his E! reality show because that's usually where it is, right? [NYDN]
• Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan fucks up her taxes regularly. [TMZ]
• Oh, okay, Octomom has a medical marijuana prescription. [TMZ]
• Janet Jackson has a boyfriend. Also, we as a human race need to stop using the word "slizzard." [Bossip]
• Gerard Butler, Josh Hartnett, Shaun White, Rose McGowan and other people not at the Oscars did karaoke in L.A. [Page Six]
• Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite has a twin brother who impersonates him without his consent and now they are estranged. NEWS. [TMZ]
• "He sang his sweet song so sweetly and paused for a moment's lull/ I gently raised the window and crushed his f­ucking skull." Elvis Presley's personal letters are up for sale in England. [Contact Music]
• LOLZ: "Diddy telling a pal of a movie project, "I want the character to be like Matthew McConaughey." Hollywood is the silliest. [Page Six]
• Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren are back together. [TMZ]

A few days ago, Kim Kardashian said that what she got most from her relationship with Kanye West was an appreciation of privacy. The new cover of French fashion mag L'Officiel Hommes features Kimye's idea of what "privacy" is, whose definition clearly got switched to "maybe fucking on a magazine cover" in the Oxford English Dictionary while we were all sleeping. Damn you, nocturnal semantics elves.

Meanwhile, a more PG-rated Kim covers this month's Cosmo—like I said: privacy!—and says that she judged Kourtney when her unmarried big sister got pregnant in 2009: "I was like, ‘You're not married! How could you do this?' I was really firm and strict. But she was like, ‘Marriage isn't what I want.' And later, I realized she had a better family life than I did."

And on possible nuptials with 'Ye: "[Marriage] is something I know that we both want in our future, but I don't have this sense of urgency about it," she revealed. "I have this best friend who understands me and helps me through all my tough experiences, and vice versa, you know? It just feels like this is it for me." [Bossip, Just Jared, The Cut]

Movie star Jennifer Aniston acts like movie star, everybody poops themselves with indignation. Or at least this source on the set of Untitled Elmore Leonard Project, who says that Aniston ignores co-stars Isla Fisher, Tim Robbins and Will Forte:

"The only person who doesn't eat with everyone else is Jen. She quickly grabs a lunch to go and leaves." [...] "All the actors ride in normal production vans when they head to lunch, but Jen has her own luxury SUV."[...] "And not only is Jen's private trailer miles away from the set, but she heads all the way back there each day to eat her lunch away from everyone else. Her behavior is a clear indicator to everyone that she's not approachable. And it's just unnecessary. There's no reason why she has to act any better than anyone else on that movie set."

Yeah. The fact that anyone thought she wasn't like that? That means a team of people whose names nobody knows is VERY good at their job. If they let me know where their office is, I will send over some breakfast sandwiches. [Radar Online]

In response to Seth MacFarlane's yeesh-worthy joke about their "date night," Chris Brown actually talked about his 2009 assault on Rihanna at Elton John's Oscars party/AIDS benefit: "People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don't know me, and they don't know us. It doesn't bother me anymore. Other people can judge us but they don't know anything."

And: "Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me – what can I say? I'm forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it." "I've learned a lot since that night and I've grown up. I was very young and I took a lot of stuff, fame, for granted. I didn't understand it. The support from those who do know me and the fans, who are incredible, got me through." [The Sun]

Rather surprisingly, Elton John was one of those people. [Page Six]

Brown arrived sans Rihanna, in a leopard tuxedo, and reportedly flirted with other ladies. [Us Weekly]

"Spies said Charlize Theron 'stayed near MacFarlane all night.'" [Page Six]

"Charlize was very chatty with Seth and they shared a laugh in between his performances," an onlooker tells E! News." [E!]

Nooooo, please let this be just the random media-pairing generator and not a real thing that might happennnnn.

Here's video of your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence ordering McDonalds on the Oscars red carpet. [Gossip Cop]

Also: J. Law is back to brunette for Catching Fire. [Us Weekly]

• Prince Michael Jackson will make his acting debut on 90210. [E!]
• Alas, Netflix is unlikely to pick up any future seasons of Arrested Development after this one. ;__; [HuffPo]
• Janet Jackson has been secretmarried to Wissam Al Mana for months now and none of us knew. [Extra TV]
• Justin Bieber wore a gas mask around London for some reason. [USA Today]
• Downton Abbey's currently casting for musician Jack Ross, the first black character on the show. [The Sun]
• Suri Cruise has a body double. A BODY DOUBLE. [NYDN]
• Since it hasn't already got enough crazy, Lindsay Lohan will guest-star on Charlie Sheen's show Anger Management. [Radar Online]
• Teen Mom Jenelle Evans is back in rehab for heroin. [Radar Online]
• Pippa Middleton got a gig writing a recipe and dining column in a supermarket magazine in the UK. [The Guardian UK]
• The late Lupe Ontiveros' family is (understandably) mad that she was left out of the In Memoriam segment of the Oscars. [Bossip]
• "Ke$ha wrote a song about her vagina with her mother." It's Tuesday. [The Sun]
• While Kristen Stewart was limping around the Oscars "waiting for him," Rob Pattinson was taking pictures with fans. [Hollywood Life]
• Bey and Jay had dinner with Sarah Jessica Parker and five other buddies during the Oscars because they didn't give a shit about it. [Page Six]
• Nicki Minaj is waiting for the right role to break into acting. (Coincidentally, the next Spielberg-produced film includes the juicy role of "Barbie—British person—Crazy person!") [Page Six]
• John Travolta got the dancing started at Madonna's Oscars party; other guests in attendance included Ashton Kutcher, Selena Gomez and Daniel Day-Lewis. So like, a conga line composed of The Breakfast Club. [Page Six]
• Zooey Deschanel likes that Jennifer Lawrence fell down at the Oscars. "Clumsy girls rule." [Team Coco]
• James McAvoy may star in the remake of The Crow. Still haven't forgiven him for Penelope. [NME]
• Anne Hathaway practiced her Oscars speech over and over to make it seem more "likable." You'd think since she's clearly been doing it since she was 5, she'd have done a better job with that. [Us Weekly]

The noted tabloid duality of Jennifer Aniston—beautiful, charismatic millionaire actress or SAD CRONE FISHWIFE FROM THE LAND OF THE UNLOVED WOMEN?!!!—finally comes to an end soon because she's planning her wedding to Justin Theroux. Yes, folks, the dude who was on one episode of Sex and The City as a premature ejaculator gets to Define Jennifer Aniston's Womanity.

Apparently the wedding will take place soon after she completes her current film in Connecticut, The Untitled Elmore Leonard Project, and:

...she has already checked off some major tasks on her to-do list, including choosing wedding bands, setting a date and narrowing down dresses.

Haha, guys, the ring, though! Does anybody actually want that kind of schmaltzy mall-quarter-machine shit or are engagement rings basically just the carat version of a big dick competition? At least now we know what kind of Hollywood extra work the iceberg from Titanic is doing these days. [People]

Video footage surfaced of the performance — which took place last week on board the Holland America Eurodam in the Caribbean — showing Carrie slurring a couple off-key songs. Her dog even POOPS AND PEES on the stage while she's singing. It's pretty nuts.

There were reports Carrie — who was featured on the cruise as a "surprise" celebrity guest — was wasted at the time of the show ... but her rep says the on-stage breakdown was caused by Fisher's bipolar disorder.

The rep says, "There was a medical incident related to Carrie Fisher's bipolar disorder. She went to the hospital briefly to adjust her medication and is feeling much better now."

Christ, I am a huge Postcards From The Edge fan, so I have nothing to say about this but try not to drink on your meds? ._. [TMZ]

A newly clean Billie Joe Armstrong talks about his decision to enter rehab after his disastrous "I'm not Justin Bieber, motherfuckers" tirade at the IHeartRadio festival:

"I couldn't predict where I was going to end up at the end of the night. I'd wake up in a strange house on a couch. I wouldn't remember how. It was a complete blackout." [...] "I remember tiny things. [...] The next morning, I woke up. I asked [my wife] Adrienne, 'How bad was it?' She said, 'It's bad.' I called my manager. He said, 'You're getting on a plane, going back to Oakland and going into rehab immediately."

He also thanks his fans for their support during this time. [MTV]

After three years as a public couple, Rachel McAdams and her Midnight In Paris co-star/boyfriend Michael Sheen broke up. It seems pretty amicable, but McAdams is really good at keeping her shit private. (That would be our definition of private, not, say, Kim Kardashian's version of private. She'll be fine. [Us Weekly]

You guys feel like chewing on some ridiculous bullshit gossip-cud this morning? HOTEP! Apparently Liam Hemsworth cheated on Miley Cyrus with January Jones at a pre-Oscar party.

"It looked like they had some hot chemistry," an eyewitness at the event tells Star. "They were all over each other – and they even kissed!"

Wow, you really convinced me with the phrase "hot chemistry!" (Also, the item refers to Jones as "the scandalous single mother." Puke-die-puke-die.) [Radar Online]

In Scotland, hypersexualized One Direction Sour Patch Kid Harry Styles got hit in the nuts with a shoe onstage and collapsed in pain. There is video. [E!]

• Mary-Louise Parker may have angrily called a New York antiques dealer a "fag." Fuck, dude, I expected better from her. [Radar Online]
• Sorry: Tina Fey doesn't want to host the Oscars, ever. [Salon]
• Seth MacFarlane won't be hosting the Oscars again, he says. Now that we've metaphorically seen his boobs, we never need to again? And that's all there is. [Twitter]
• Lindsay Lohan drinks, drives. WHAAAT? JK. [TMZ]
• She's gonna get some psychotherapy. [E!]
• Human labia-face Steven Tyler made out with 22-year-old actress Levin Rambin. [NYDN]
• Child endangerment charges against "Tanning Mom" Patricia Krentcil for forcing her 5-year-old daughter into a tanning bed were dropped. [TMZ]
• You guys, Styx has massive a lawsuit against record companies. Tell your Styx-fan stepdad. It will give you something to talk about. [TMZ]
• Kristen Bell had a baby shower and it was as cute as you think. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian blogged about maternity jeans. [Us Weekly]
• Matt Damon and wife Luciana are having a belated wedding celebration after their super-low-key ceremony in Manhattan. You're still not invited though, probably. [Page Six]
• Yo, Kirsten Dunst kind of sucks:

  Dunst was overheard complaining that she had to travel in business instead of first class, spies said, and also about the designer clothes she'd have to wear.

  [Page Six]

• Paris Jackson's got some new rebellious bling. [Radar Online]
• In which Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr talk about dancing with their kid in an attempt to put adorable-blinders over the fact that their marriage may be failing because derrrrrrp. [Page Six]
• Anne Hathaway says it upsets her when people call her a histrionic drama club president. Look, you do your job, I'll do mine, Hathaway. [Page Six]
• Blake Fielder-Civil wishes he hadn't let Amy Winehouse do heroin. [Contact Music]
• Jennifer Lawrence's clothes from Silver Linings Playbook are up for auction for a grazillion dollars if you want some tracksuits. [Ace Showbiz]
• Bobby Brown was sentenced to 55 days in the clink for a DUI. [People]
• It's possible that drugs influenced the suicide of country singer Mindy McCready. [Radar]
• Realllllly starting to tire of Leonardo DiCaprio's aimless hedonistic Marcello-in-La Dolce Vita phase now. [NYDN]
• Kate Middleton walked her dog. I'm pooping. I'm pooping. [Hello! Magazine]
• Justin Bieber went out with a girl named Ella-Paige Roberts-Clarke Hyphenate-Parade. [Hollywood Life]
• Apropos of nothing, last night I had a really tender drunk dream about hooking up with Jack White and then, like, actually being in mutual love with Jack White and very happy? So if you need me today, I'll be watching American Pickers in my pajamas and trying to shake that off.

Nicki Minaj went on Extra to promote her MAC makeup collaboration VIVA Glam, and said that she's never had surgery on her face. "When people see my makeup they think all types of crazy things that I'm doing to my skin, but it's makeup." However, Minaj does not mention whether she had any work done below the neck, most notably the pretttty obvious butt implants.

Joan Rivers once again runs afoul of the Anti-Defamation league with a Holocaust joke about Heidi Klum's slinky metal Cleopatra-style Oscar party dress: "The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens." While the ADL is demanding an apology and the yanking of the clip from airwaves, Rivers responded, "My husband lost the majority of his family at Auschwitz, and I can assure you that I have always made it a point to remind people of the Holocaust through humor." [NYDN]

People are mad that she made Adele weight jokes on The Late Show, too. [L.A. Times]

Want to buy some Girl Scout Cookies from Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson off Facebook? Figured.

Each shipment of cookies comes with an autographed picture of the "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" family, not to mention Honey Boo Boo's signature on every box.

Mama June's favorite are Samoas and Thin Mints, FYI. [NYDN]

Anderson Cooper introduces his CNN one-off The Bully Effect: An Anderson Cooper Special on a personal note: "Whether it's bullying based on sexual orientation or perceived sexual orientation ... I relate a lot to some of these kids and what they're going through." Although he says he was "really lucky" because he "wasn't picked on a lot" and "wasn't subject to bullying," he adds, "I think all of us can remember what it was like to be a kid and to feel different and to feel that you don't fit in for whatever reason." Which mostly just feels like Anderson Cooper falling all over himself to inform us that he was not bullied, but YOLOOOOO. [HuffPo]

Josh Duhamel shares this glory nugget with the world: when Fergie found out she was pregnant, the first words out of her mouth were "This shit just got real." (Not "Let's get it started" or "Boom boom pow.") [Page Six]

• The Quvenzhané Wallis Annie drops Christmas Day, 2014. [THR]
• Someone thinks it's a good idea to stick Lindsay Lohan at a gym for underprivileged young girls, incredibly. [Us Weekly]
• One Direction once again earns the distinction of "Worst Band" from NME, and Harry Styles gets "Best Villain." [Examiner]
• Fuu: Brandi Glanville's ridiculous book may soon be turned into a movie. [Radar Online]
• LeAnn Rimes looks cute. I COVER THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS. [Us Weekly]
• Marc Anthony may be dating 21-year-old Topshop heiress Chloe Green. [Daily Mail]
• Holy crap, Kristen Bell is ready to pop. [Daily Mail]
• Rick Ross has mad security detail on him now. [TMZ]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger is dating a physical therapist named Heather. [TMZ]
• Ke$ha popped up at a West 42nd Street drag show, as she is wont to do. [Page Six]
• Prince William was a good Samaritan and helicoptered over to pick up a couple stranded in Snowdonia. ("Snowdonia" is a real place.) [Us Weekly]
• Say hi to Mariah Carey's nipple. [NYDN]
• Billie Joe Armstrong had a grisly self-administered alcohol detox. [Radar Online]
• At the last minute, Kerry Washington decided not to wear her custom-designed Marchesa to the Oscars (done by Harvey Weinstein's wife Georgina Chapman). [Page Six]
• Ultimately, distance caused Michelle Williams and Jason Segel's breakup. Geographical, not emotional. .__. [Contact Music]

It's possible that your fevered collective fan dreams have come true—Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran might be tenderly and respectfully fornicating. Apparently Sheeran was in T-Swizzle's hotel room before the Brit Awards until 4 AM, when Sheeran finally left looking "very pleased with himself" (according to some creep hanging outside in a tree like a bat who watched him leave her room, I guess). Rumor has it that the two, self-professed good friends, dated back in in March but broke up to focus on their careers, but now she's giving it another shot.

A source tells The Sun, "Harry [Styles] had that irresistible bad boy thing but Taylor has realised she would rather give it a go with a guy who can make her happy on a different level." Oof. Everyone's dream: to be the sweet, reliable fallback when the person you like is done having smokin' hot, Richter-scale intercourse with a total douche. On the bright side, Taylor, congratulations on your first known ginger! It's hard to go back. [Daily Mail, Standard UK]

Kristen Stewart has been getting mad texts from her former partner in Crotchgrindingbridgegate, Rupert Sanders, since his wife Liberty Ross officially filed for divorce. While responding to these texts would clearly be an awesome idea, Stewart has been opting not to."She wants nothing to do with him. [...] She has no idea what's going on with Robert [Pattinson] at the moment." Gonna hazard a guess and say he's... skulking. Somewhere. [Radar Online]

Connie Britton! Have a huge glass of pinot with me Tami Taylor-style and teach me how to be wise. She covers More in March and talks about being a single mom to 2-year-old Yoby: "The schedule is insane to the point where I lose a lot of sleep at night worrying about how little time I have to sleep and mostly what little time I have to be with my son. [...] Being a single mom is challenging, but never in a million years would that have stopped me. You get an idea in your head and you're going to do it. People can tell you how hard marriage is or how hard it is to birth a baby, but we do these things. We want the journey of that." [People]

Liam Gallagher, Oasis frontman and noted dickhead, negged The Wire star Idris Elba about his hat for no reason.

"Liam was in full rock'n'roll swagger mode. He bowled up to the party after midnight and made his presence felt pretty quickly.

Then he had a few words with Idris, poking fun at his bobble hat among other things. Idris looked like he was going to flatten him - they were on completely different wavelengths.

"They were toe-to-toe at one point. Neither of them backed down. Idris was in a good mood, so left it, which was probably for the best. Liam left soon after."

Yo Wonderwall, step off Stringer Bell. Thank you. [MTV UK]

• Jennifer Aniston might become Jennifer Theroux, Earth hurtles off axis. [Tampa Bay]
• Christian Slater is engaged to a woman not named Heather or Veronica, which feels distinctly un-canon. [Daily Mail]
• Madonna and her fake accent acted like a jerk at an Oscars party and snubbed Ang Lee: ''It was incredible - she stormed around as if a black cloud was following her and then she was gone. Everyone wanted to know what bug got up her arse.'' [Contact Music]
• Nadya "Octomom" Suleman is "off the rails," as if she was ever on the rails, at any point. [TMZ]
• The alleged mother of Michael Jordan's 16-year-old son wants child support/that sweet, sweet Space Jam money. [TMZ]
• Emma Watson might play the lead in Kenneth Branagh's Cinderella, the story of a woman so lazy that she made bluebirds dress her. [Variety]
• Paula Deen's thought about getting work done on her chin but "folks wake up dead after that surgery sometimes." [Daily Mail]
• Harry Styles is Jennifer Lawrence's density. I mean, destiny. And, no! [MTV UK]
• In her divorce proceedings with Kris Humphries, about whom I care less every time I type his name EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, it has been alleged that Kim Kardashian may have "exaggerated her fertility issues." [Daily Mail]
• Extremely important: the main guy from Los Lonely Boys is in the hospital after falling off the stage. Guys. Los Lonely Boys. [TMZ]
• Michael Sheen is I guess the only man on Earth who did not want to settle down with Rachel McAdams. [People]
• Josh Duhamel talks into Fergie's vagina. [People]
• Tina Fey wore a cute mom tankini and took her kids to the pool. [Us Weekly]
• Quiet middle-school library haunter Justin Bieber BREAKS OUT OF SHELL, demands you to notice him for once. [Us Weekly]
• La La Anthony says that Kevin Garnett never told her husband Carmelo that she "tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios." Great, so glad that's been resolved, so glad I had to think about that again. [Page Six]
• Jimmy Kimmel may be next year's Oscars host. [Page Six]
• At the Jewish Museum, "[Lena] Dunham told the audience of nearly 1,000 guests that her mother is Jewish but her father is a gentile. 'The Jews don't care who your dad is, unless he's on the board of a major hospital.'" [Page Six]
• PETA is laying into Bey for her crazy-ass python sneakers. [NYDN]
• Honey Boo-Boo's Girl Scout cookie-hawking business got taken off Facebook because SAMOA BREACH. [NYDN]
• Shocker: the Rihanna/Chris Brown Law & Order: SVU episode doesn't end with everyone buying Honey Boo-Boo's Girl Scout Cookies. [NYDN]
• Diane Lane and Laura Dern totally hang out IRL! What a dreammm. [TMZ]
• Camille Grammer's leaving The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [Radar]
• 90210 has been cancelled. Feel free to sit shiva nowhere. [Gossip Cop]