At yesterday's hearing for South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius, accused of shooting and killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, more details about the night of the murder were revealed: two hours before her death on Valentine's Day, cops were called to the scene of Pistorius' Pretoria mansion over a loud argument.

Steenkamp was hiding in the bathroom of the estate when Pistorius fired four shots through the door and into her head, chest, pelvis and hand, reports the New York Daily News. Sources told Beeld, an Afrikaans language newspaper, that when the police arrived, they found Pistorius rushing down the stairs with a bleeding Steenkamp in his arms, attempting to resuscitate her via CPR.

The Pistorius family "strongly refutes" the recently-upgraded premeditated murder charge—changed when authorities threw out the claim that Pistorius mistakenly thought Steenkamp was a burglar—which carries a sentence of life in prison. Arnold Pistorius, his uncle, spoke to the AP and two South African journalists about his nephew's state of mind following the murder, saying that he is "numb with shock, as well as grief." He also told the journalists that the two had plans for the future and that his nephew was "happier than he had been in a long time."

'Pistorius, slain girlfriend had planned future: uncle' [Reuters]
'Blade Runner' Oscar Pistorius' uncle says athlete is 'numb with shock,' family 'strongly refutes' charge that he planned to kill girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp' [NYDN]
'Oscar Pistorius 'tried to resuscitate dying girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp after shooting her four times': Blade Runner carried model downstairs after she was shot'

Ever had the overwhelming urge to turn a carrot into a phallus? I sure have! LADIES? RIGHT, LADIES? As if emergency rooms aren't already filled with unfortunate vegetable-in-delicate-places mishaps, your dream might become a reality if this conceptual design is snatched up by some intrepid entrepreneur. And while I don't really see any hygienic benefits to the practical use of this tool, it would be a pretty neat party ice-breaker to turn a candle into a dick.

A Vienna-based designer named Francesco Morackini has conceptualized (yes, only conceptualized: this shit ain't gonna be at Babeland for awhile) the Dildomaker, based on the 1933 Loewy pencil sharpener you might recognize from your early school days, especially if you went to a crappy, underfunded public school like I did. Or if you're steampunk.

It's designed to turn the tip of any long, cylindrical home object into the approximate shape of an ersatz wang. Some of the graphics included in Morackini's design: the aforementioned carrot and candle, a hot dog (a tried-and-true masturbation urban legend standard), and a tree branch. Oww.

'The Dildomaker Is A Conceptual Pencil Sharpener-Like Gadget That Turns Any Object Into A Dildo (NSFW)' [HuffPo]

Specifically, "NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!"

Emma Stone and Nicolas Cage attend 'The Croods' press conference at the 63rd Berlinale International Film Festival on February 15, 2013 in Berlin, Germany. (Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images for BMW)

Like that part on a baby's head where if you drop them they die, there is a dangerously soft spot in my heart for Sarah Michelle Gellar because, like many of us, I consumed four seasons worth of Buffy The Vampire Slayer at an impressionable braces-wearing age. And also: Cruel Intentions! Nothing wrong with that.

Last year's soapy CW show Ringer only lasted a season (justifiably), and it was super-fucking-disappointing when HBO passed on Kathryn Bigelow's pilot The Wonderful Maladys, which starred Gellar as a member of an eccentric New York family and Adam Scott as her ex-boyfriend.

But, huzzah! SMG is returning to the small screen on the CW's Crazy Ones, the brainchild of Ally McBeal creator David E. Kelley, also responsible for similar workplace comedies Chicago Hope, The Practice, Boston Public, Boston Legal and (bleh) the Adrienne Palicki reboot of Wonder Woman. But we can forgive him that. Right? Crazy Ones might withstand the test of time/ratings because Robin Williams also headlines as Gellar's dad.

The show is a single-camera comedy, about an advertising agency run by a father and daughter. Williams plays Simon Roberts, while Gellar plays his driven, yet practical daughter, Sydney.

Here's hoping this show ranks up there with Robin Williams' most memorable moments: the entirety Aladdin, the entirety of The Birdcage, and that soul-scarring live cunnilingus impersonation that festers in the back of your eyeballs after you watch it, forever.

'Sarah Michelle Gellar to Star in Robin Williams' CBS Comedy 'Crazy Ones' [THR]

As osteoporosis is far more common in women than men, ladies are often encouraged to consume copious amounts of dairy and dark leafy greens as well as over-the-counter calcium supplements for the recommended daily quota of 1000 mg. However, a massive new Swedish study links an overenthusiastic calcium intake to possible future cardiovascular disease. And there's not really much point if bones will be really strong but your heart is shot to shit.

Researchers kept files on over 61,000 women born from 1914 to 1948 in order to investigate any detrimental effects that may come from calcium supplements (about 25% of the women took some form of them via tablet or as part of a multivitamin). It appears that the women who took 1400 mg or above per day had double the risk of dying "from any cause"—gah, sinister—and a higher risk of passing away of cardiovascular disease than those women whose intake was 600-1000 mg per day.

While the head researcher admits that they're still unsure of the reason for this link, she has a hypothesis: "The plaque found in coronary arteries is calcified, so one might guess it has something to do with the calcification of plaque. But much of that relationship remains to be determined, if in fact it holds true."

Instead, she suggests that it's easy to get 1000 mg a day via diet (other non-dairy sources of calcium are spinach, sardines, nuts and seeds), and certainly no more than 500 mg via supplement—and only if you have severe osteoporosis already.

'Can calcium supplements kill? The safe way to strengthen your bones' [NYDN]

Image via Elena Elisseeva/Shutterstock

Warning: Some of these plot descriptions are hella sexually graphic.

In March of last year, something called Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, by someone called Kitty Glitter appeared at #12 on the Amazon Kindle bestseller list. "What the fuck is this?" asked the Internet. This is what it is:

And that's where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl's mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo's penis. The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.

The author has 18 eBooks available on Amazon, mostly smutty erotic fan fiction that seems to feature cats fucking humans or humans fucking objects. One of them is about period blood that comes to life and defends a bullied teenage girl. My personal favorite based on nothing but the title, A Story For Ke$ha, concerns:

Miniature puppies and kittens find themselves on a violent collision course with a band of evil roaches in this thrilling tale!

The author's bio reads: Kitty Glitter grew up on the streets of East Orange, NJ. Her husband, Champagne, is doing 15 years upstate and she is trying to raise five kids by herself. On top of working three jobs Kitty is trying to sell some ebooks. Promo videos on YouTube feature what appears to be a random assembly of all kinds of people, one of whom is dressed like Jesus, hawking Ashton Kutcher's Space-Sex Rampage.

Mind you, I have no idea whether any of this is true, but the other day Kitty Glitter and I talked on the Internet about her books and Katy Perry (whom Kitty calls "the closest thing we have to an Anne Sexton right now").

Where did Wesley Crusher go? It doesn't appear to be available on Amazon anymore.

CBS owns the rights to Star Trek. They sent a cease and desist letter to me and Amazon both. So Amazon totally dissed me and removed it. It was all underground and shit at first so like nobody cared but then Regretsy blew it up so CBS was like "You totally can't damage Wesley Crusher's reputation. Star Trek is the most serious thing ever." Who knows how much it would have sold by now if not for me getting put on blast and then f'd in the mouth.

"Wesley Crusher Teenage Fuck Machine" is still available in an alternate version called "Wil Wheaton: Teenage Hump Machine". This features all the awesomeness of the original but with extra scenes that follow a sex romance between Meow Solo and Zooey Deschanel. If you want to read about Zooey Deschanel's pussy squirting right into Meow Solo's eyes after he eats her pussy with his abrasive kitty tongue then you really need to buy "Will Wheaton: Teenage Hump Machine".

Also cuz it totally sets up the sequel "Ashton Kutcher's Space-Sex Rampage."

Are you actually a woman? Is any of this real? Who are you?!

My background is a mix of all kinds of lies and facts and delusions. I'm like the Joker in "The Dark Knight". So my background depends on like my mood. Today I am Kitty Glitter though and I'm a black female writer from East Orange, NJ. I was actually born in the Queensbridge projects though. Before me, Nas was the biggest phenomena to come out of those projects. Now it's me. As a writer of fiction though the most important thing to know about me is that I am the protege of Patricia Highsmith. She was my mentor, or at least her ghost was. She taught me how to write.

Are you just an "ironic" boy from Brooklyn? I'm so curious. I need to know.

No. Ew. Not Brooklyn. I really hate Brooklyn actually and never go there. I also don't like irony.

Who are your writing inspirations?

I am the protege of Patricia Highsmith. She was my mentor, or at least her ghost was. She taught me how to write. Also Flannery O'Connor, Richard Laymon, Heidi Honeycutt, Katy Perry, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Sam Kinison, Chris Elliot.

I see in this interview that you're writing something about the Chipettes.

My Chipettes story is called The Wet Clits. It's not about the Chipettes but my own version of them. A three piece female chipmunk girl band called the Wet Clits. They are three sisters who are nymphos and like to fuck tomcats. They go on adventures in their van and sometimes have the help of their ghostly manager Ghostly Ellis-Bextor, she is like a mix of Casper the ghost and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

In Sherlock Holmes: A Strange Case of Dicklessness, does he find the dick? Where is it?

The dick belongs to Jack the Ripper. The dick finds people, it's a hunter.

Sherlock Holmes is supposedly a virgin. What sort of virginity-loss scene would you want to write for him?

I imagine him doing it with like some girl hooker just to get it out of the way. But he isn't a very sexual person. Studies have shown that some chaps are so cerebral they don't need sex or whatevs. I would see him doing it with a red headed dominatrix who was American. She'd be all ginger colored like red hair and freckles and her feet would be size six for some reason. Like that detail would be important. Her name would be Scooter Pie. Sherlock Holmes would lose his virginity to this girl while she beat him, punched his face real hard.

Thanks, Kitty Glitter.

Here's @crimekittehs.

Steve Dudek (R) and Alexander Sharp (L) of The Cambridge team in action during the training race against University of Washington on the River Thames on February 16, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Tom Dulat/Getty Images)

We've spent a fair amount of time chronicling the battle of badass Kym Worthy, the Wayne County, Michigan prosecutor who stumbled on over 11,000 untested rape kits at a former police storage warehouse back in 2009, the lack of funding Worthy was faced with even after arranging for a federal grant of one million dollars, and the emotional trauma incurred once again by the women who must revisit their rape, in some cases languishing a decade for lack of DNA evidence.

Yesterday Worthy appeared on NBC's Rock Center with Brian Williams to discuss the progress in Detroit as well as its influence on the rest of the nation, whose attention have now been drawn to their own backlog of untested rape kits, each of which costs between $1,200 and $1,500 to test. So far, 600 of the Detroit kits have been tested, and prosecutors have discovered evidence of no less than 21 serial rapists. While his DNA sat on the shelf from 2002 to 2008, untested, one convict, Shelly Brooks raped and murdered five women. (Writing that actually made me nauseous.)

The idea of these sexual assault victims undergoing the invasive rape kit procedure so quickly after their trauma, only to result in bureaucratic red tape and slow-moving forensic work rendering their bravery futile, is no less than rage-blackout inducing.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

"To know that we had all of these potential victims sitting out there, all of them, mostly women, and nothing had been done, was just truly appalling," Worthy told Williams. She also divulged that she had been sexually assaulted during her time in law school, but did not report her case.

"This may sound strange, but I think what happened to me [then] happened for a reason and kind of led me into what I'm doing now. I always felt that way. And I always felt that that was a part of what made me a very good prosecutor, and certainly that is part of everything that I do."

'Prosecutor leads effort to test long-abandoned rape kits, brings justice to victims' [Rock Center/NBC News]

Like a full-bodied Austrian wine and a hella sassy cheese, sometimes the best combinations are the most unexpected. Tonight, two big names stage a coup d'etat on your evening television schedule: First up, at 9, the intellectual, rather terrifying Austrian Django Unchained star Beyoncé appears on HBO in Life is But A Dream. Then, at 11:30, the robot-arm-wearing international diva Christoph Waltz hosts Saturday Night Live. And they're both married to Jay-Z. How weird is that?

No, but here are Christoph Waltz's surprisingly non-violent SNL promos (does anyone else find him incredibly sexy? Just me? Okay). And some suggestions about what finger foods to make during your Life Is But a Dream viewing party. Yay!

Long-suffering country music singer Mindy McCready was found dead via a gunshot wound to the head yesterday afternoon on her porch—the same location that David Wilson, McCready's self-declared "soulmate," took his own life almost exactly a month ago—in Cleburn County, Arkansas. She was 37. McCready's problems arguably began after an exploitative sexual relationship with Roger Clemens at age 15, and she was a success by 20: Her debut album, Ten Thousand Angels, sold two million copies. She attempted suicide once in 2005 and again in 2008, appearing on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2010 to deal with her drug and alcohol issues. In 2011, she kidnapped her 5-year-old son Zander from his father.

McCready had taken a turn for the worse after her two sons, Zander and nine-month-old Zayne, were removed from her care by a judge on February 6th. She was held in a treatment facility for mental health and alcohol abuse problems only to be released two days later. She shot the family dog before shooting herself. I know: Great way to start your morning. [TMZ, CNN]

Twitter reacts. [Radar Online]

"Adele has been chatting to Elton about her fears of singing live again. Elton's been like a godfather to her recently, helping her settle into life as a superstar and the challenges of being a parent." He has also been assuaging her fears of performing live, and she's currently in breathing therapy for stage fright. [MTV UK, TVNZ.co.nz]

Rather unsurprisingly, Rihanna lasted approximately ten minutes at her River Island fashion show in London, which has already garnered pans. Instead, Ri-Ri hit some sex shops with Cara Delavigne because she's Really Into Fucking. Did you know that? I don't know that. (FYI, apparently she is looking for a harness.)

Later, outside the Box nightclub in London, a male stranger began screaming at Rihanna about her reconciliation with Chris Brown and threw a British energy drink at her, resulting in her cutting her knee. Yeesh. It depresses me too, but I'm prrrreeetty sure that's not the way to do it. [NYND, Yahoo OMG UK]

Miley Cyrus, or the Vanessa Bayer impression of Miley Cyrus (which I prefer) "got right up in [boyfriend Liam Hemsworth's face] for bragging to his brother Chris Hemsworth about how nutso he and Miley are in the sack. A source says: "When Liam defended himself by saying Miley's always gabbing to her girlfriends – and discusses details about their sex life – she snapped, ‘That's different! They're my girlfriends and you don't hang out with my girlfriends. But I have to see your brother all the time – I don't want him knowing what goes on in our bed!'" She should just invite Chris into it! And borrow Rihanna's harness! [Showbiz Spy]

"Unfortunately, there's something attractive about someone who's broken, for me, and a lot of women that I've spoken to. My best friend and I are attracted to creeps - sometimes. They're interesting and mysterious and they provide us with this rush and this need to chase or fix – just these needs they fill in yourself. It doesn't make any sense. It's a weird psychology but unfortunately it's the way the world works."

[The Sun]

• Ladies, and some gentlemen: Prince Harry is returning to the States on "official business," a.k.a. shenanigans. [Hello Magazine]
• Shaggy (Remember Shaggy, perhaps better known as Mr. Boombastic?) asked for his song "Angel" to be turned off at Da Club, telling the DJ: "I don't want to hear my own fucking song." The most important question to be answered here is how Shaggy found a car that would take him back to 1997. [Page Six]
• Scott Disick creeped on Khloe Kardashian-Odom. Wait. What? Nobody cares? GREAT! [Us Weekly]
• Pregnant Jessica Simpson, Pregnant Cacee Cobb and Pregnant With Emotion Eric Johnson went to Cheesecake Factory. [Us Weekly]
• Today in People Your Mom's Never Heard Of, Azealia Banks called Diplo a "fucking snake" on Twitter. [Complex]
• Eve is totally backtracking from that comment she made about Britney Spears not singing on a new will.i.am song nobody's listened to. [TMZ]
• Brit-Brit's ex-boyfriend—the one who settled a sexual harassment with her out of court—is a ghost hunter now. [TMZ]
• Water's wet, kittens are cute and Kevin Federline's behind on his taxes again to the tune of $57,000. [Daily Mail]
• Taylor Swift is being sued for $2.5 million for pocketing the paycheck for a Canadian "hoedown festival" that ended up not happening. (It's for the best.) [TMZ]
• Ric Flair (a.k.a. the inspiration for Will Ferrell's Ashley Shaffer on Eastbound & Down) has asked for a protective order from his abusive, alcoholic wife. Definitely NOT "woo!" [TMZ]
• Katherine Heigl's husband Josh Kelley Tweeted a cute picture of himself and their daughters. Still can't forgive her for The Ugly Truth. [People]
• Everybody calm your buttholes, Katy Perry and John Mayer aren't engaged. And also that ring is fucking ugly, right? [People]
• It's Monday, so some model is rebounding from Adam Levine with Calvin Harris. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell reserved a table for her myriad assistants and bodyguards at a table next to hers at a restaurant. So at least she lets them eat. [Page Six]
• Jay and Bey watched NBA. And I am a poet. Hurray? [Daily Mail]
• Russell Brand admitted the Arthur remake was a mistake. You're telling me. Christ. [The Sun]
• Amanda Bynes is interested in getting some plastic surgery/continuing to have a Network-style breakdown. [NYDN]
• Mariah Carey took her mom to see "Phantom of the Opera" for her 76th birthday. Disturbingly Muggle behavior for Mimi, but I'm sure they went back to her house and showered themselves with diamonds. [NYDN]

A poised and hella grown-uppish Prince Michael Jackson has landed a job as a special correspondent for Entertainment Tonight, a pretty impressive gig for a 16-year-old although though my impulse is to yell at him to stay the fuck away from show business and go work at the Dairy Queen like a normal teenager because I just want him to be happy. Alas, this is not to be. He told ET, "I'm looking to become well-rounded as a producer, director, screenwriter and actor."

Jackson's first assignment was to interview the cast of Oz: The Great and Powerful, to which he has a "special connection" since his dad Michael Jackson was in The Wiz. ET correspondent Brooke Anderson told him that he seemed wise for his age. He replied "That's what most of my people say. That was all thanks to my dad. He raised me right." ;___; [HuffPo, video at ET]

Newly-minted gadabout Leonardo DiCaprio takes a break from bragging about the women he's fucked in order to try to save the elephants. He's helping launch the World Wildlife Fund's new campaign, "Hands Off My Parts." He sent a personal e-mail out about the initiative, which calls for the Prime Minister of Thailand to ban all ivory trade in the country.

As a key step, I am joining WWF and others calling on Thailand's government to show leadership on elephant conservation by shutting down its ivory market before the country hosts a meeting of 177 nations on wildlife trade in March 2013."

Who would want to kill an elephant? A DICKHEAD, that's who. [Page Six]

What? The actual cutest thing in the world? That would be Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz's son Egypt kissing Jay-Z and Beyonce's baby Blue Ivy.

I think Egypt kissed Blue, and I don't think Jay liked it very much," she told the talk-show host. "He called my husband and was like, ‘Watch your son.'

That killed me, and I'm dead. [Page Six]

80-year-old record mogul Clive Davis comes out as bisexual in his new memoir Soundtrack of My Life, in which the twice-married, twice-divorced Davis discusses his first sexual encounter with a man in the Studio 54 days: "On this night, after imbibing enough alcohol, I was open to responding to his sexual overtures." He refers to the hookup as "a welcome relief," and divulges that he was in a relationship with an unnamed male doctor from 1990 to 2004. [Rolling Stone]

Far be it for me to pass up a good Dido story. When she turned 40, she fell down on her treadmill and had an accident, and now she can write a wistful song about it. With strings.

"I loved turning 40, other than flying off the treadmill while trying to get fit on my birthday on Christmas Day. That threw me out for a bit. More than a year later I still have scrapes on my legs... I was crying and laughing at the same time. I'd walked across the treadmill by mistake forgetting it was on and just went flying. That was my welcome to my forties."

Guys, remember THE Roswell THEME SONG? If it came on now I would instantly begin sobbing. [Contact Music]

• Vivid Entertainment has pulled Mindy McCready's sex tape. [TMZ]
• Morrissey's all-vegetarian concert: a thing. [E!]
• The Beckhams celebrated son Cruz's birthday in a low-key way. JK. [Just Jared]
• It's official: Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" is about Harry Styles. Not about Ed Helms, as you initially suspected. [Daily Mail]
• Who did Britney Spears go out with on Valentine's Day? A MYSTERY NAMED DAVE. [Daily Mail]
• Boy George lost mad weight. [People]
• So did Chaz Bono. [NYDN]
• Michelle Williams' daughter Matilda is exactly as precocious as you'd imagine. [People]
• Adrien Grenier hit on some women. It's called "news," guys. [Page Six]
• I guess Rihanna and Chris Brown fought over Drake? [Zee News]
• Notes from John Lennon's murderer Mark David Chapman are going for $75,000 because everything is fucked up. [NYDN]
• That racist deli that accused Forest Whittaker of stealing is like, "Fucking WHOOPS." [TMZ]
• Ally McBeal put a bikini on and people cared. [Us Weekly]
• Justin Timberlake and Hova will perform in London. [THR]
• Kate Middleton went outside. We need to stop trying to make "babymoon" happen. It's not gonna happen. [Us Weekly]
• This picture of Knox Jolie-Pitt gave me chills. LET KIDS DRESS LIKE KIDS. Tiny sharp black blazer = future therapy. [Us Weekly]

Woot! After a five-month leave of absence to undergo a bone marrow transplant for a rare blood disorder, Robin Roberts has returned to Good Morning America, opening with: "I have been waiting 174 days to say this: 'Good Morning America." She added: "I keep pinching myself and I realize this is real. This is actually happening, and I don't have my froggy slippers on, or do I? Faith, family and friends have brought me to this moment and I am so full of gratitude."

Roberts seems in damn good spirits because she's a brave-ass lady. Case in point: although her doctors don't necessarily sanction her ambitious jump back into the media fray, but she's interviewing Michelle Obama on the 26th. President Obama and FLOTUS taped a Welcome Back message for Roberts that GMA aired, in which the President says that he's glad that she's "back doing what [she] does best." Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey also welcomed Roberts back. This kind of killed me:

Heeding her doctors' caution that her immune system is still rebuilding, the "GMA" team refrained from the hugs or high-fives they clearly would like to have shared.

[USA Today, NYDN, NYT]

Prince William is being overprotective and kind of adorable if you're NOT Kate Middleton, but he's annoying the fuck out of Kate Middleton. He's going overboard trying to shield her from "weird diseases" and took the romance out of their Mustique vacation by spraying everything with antibacterial stuff and having extra security detail follow them everywhere:

"His paranoia was driving Kate quite mad, but she went along with his demands - until the day he forbade her to join her family for a fun night out at a local bistro. He told her he was fearful because he wouldn't be able to inspect the way her food was being prepared! While Kate truly appreciates William's concern, his overprotective ways definitely put a bit of a damper on the vacation."

[Showbiz Spy]

A picture circulated on Instagram recently of (perhaps?) Miley Cyrus surrounded by smoke with the artful caption "High as fuck," posted by the username "mileyxxcyrus." Will the real Miley Cyrus please stand up?! asked everybody/Eminem in 2000. She did so by taking to Twitter to inform us that she does not, in fact, have an Instagram. Also:

Look inside yourself and ask the honest question: Why AM I tripping? The answer... may surprise you. [Fanshare, E!]

Scarlett Johansson wore a pear-shaped diamond ring outside and now the Internet thinks she might be engaged to her boyfriend, 57-year-old Parsippany life insurance salesman Kevin Schmeeble. (JK: 30-year-old French journalist Romain Dauriac.) However, she recently told Elle UK: "I never think about marriage. Is that weird?" Nope! Especially not since she gets to ogle Benjamin Walker's above-butt dimples every night on Broadway. Add a guilt-free daily log of goat cheese and that's what heaven is. [NYDN]

Aside from being completely unrecognizable at Fashion Week a la Jennifer Grey post-nose job, Ashlee Simpson has been displaying some "out of control behavior" since her parents' split and the Joe Simpson gay rumors. Specifically, she went to L.A.'s Pink Taco, had a few shots, and grinded (ground?) on some guys. [Radar Online]

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are really in foreverlove and it's because they didn't fuck it up with the dumbass institution of marriage. (Which is admittedly a nice idea but completely impractical. Like tying a bunch of balloons to a chair and sitting in it and waiting to float away. Does that make any sense?) [Radar Online]

• Turns out Lindsay Lohan's still single and soooo relatable! Just one of those "AHH, why am I still single LOL!" Eating chocolate! Reading Cathy comics! Reading chocolate! Eating Kathy comics!" normal, relatable girls! [TMZ]
• You know, just one of those $500,000 for promoting an energy drink in Dubai kind of girls! [Herald Sun]
• We get it, will.i.am. You like hideous cars. [TMZ]
• Matthew Broderick yelled at a dude who was taking pictures during his performance in "Nice Work if You Can Get It." (Whereas Ferris Bueller would have grinned roguishly and started singing Wayne Newton because nihilism!) [Page Six]
• Adam Levine and his model girlfriend are having relationship problems. There's something about the guy that I just don't like. He's so slithery, nahmean? [Page Six]
• The alliances of middle-aged gay men/my mother, in turmoil: Barry Manilow and Bette Midler have been feuding for years and may be patching it up now. [Page Six]
• Like exes since the beginning of time, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are avoiding each other. [Page Six]
• Mario Lopez impregnated his wife Courtney for the second time and now she's growing a tiny person and shit. [L.A. Times]
• Kate Bosworth is doing some "multimedia project" for Topshop that makes me feel tired and old. [Telegraph UK]
• Oh Christ almighty. Jessica Simpson wants to name her baby Ace. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian borrowed one of your weird high school drama teacher's shawls and waved it around in a magazine. Sorry she swaggerjacked you, Mrs. Anzuini. [Us Weekly]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is so unsurprisingly beautiful it makes me want to puke everywhere. [Us Weekly]
• Naomi Campbell's never really worried about her weight. [People]
• Mary J. Blige isn't paying her rent. :-|||| [NYDN]
• Rihanna's doing a MAC makeup line since that River Island fashion gig went so well. [Elle UK]
• Ron Jeremy and Ron Jeremy's penis were released from the hospital. [Toronto Sun
• Chris Bosh's wife Adrienne once conned her then-boyfriend Lil Wayne into giving her $10,000 by telling him that she had cancer. Eep! [NYDN]
• "It was a shitty situation and it sucked," says Vanessa Hudgens tells Paper Mag about her nude photo leak of yore. [Gossip Cop]
• Mila Kunis hints once again that she wants to play Ana in 50 Shades of Grey. [Entertainmentwise]
• Clive Davis pulled one of those "not really an apology but I'm sorry YOU feel that way" infuriating things on Kelly Clarkson as a response to her issues about scenes in his memoir. [Just Jared]
• Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogen will guest-star on Arrested Development! [Just Jared]
• And Wiig will play (wait for it) YOUNG LUCILLE BLUTH. A++++ [Vulture]

So Lindsay Lohan asks to borrow a designer dress for the amFAR gala from stylist Phillip Bloch, whose number she got from Charlie Sheen. Is any part of what I just said a valid reason to hand over a $1,750 dress of intricate beadwork and gossamer fairy tits and silkworms that only eat free-range food and drink fair trade coffee? SHIT, no. Naturally, by the time she returned it, it was ruined.

"She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn't possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. But what bouncer has scissors?"

Soooo, she hacked the shit off it like something Fairuza Balk would do in The Craft (I bind you, Lindsay, from doing harm. Harm to others, harm to designer clothing and harm to yourself):

"She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She's out of control and behaving really badly."

Extra points to source for saying "fashiony." Three Candygrams for you, source. You go, source. [Us Weekly, HuffPo]

Although you prrrrobably couldn't jump on a plane to catch the horrendously-reviewed Spice Girls musical Viva Forever!, a little piece of the Girl Power pie is coming stateside. Mel B. will be taking Sharon Osbourne's chair on America's Got Talent, joining Howard Stern and Howie Mandel for Season 8. (Man, I love "Two Become One" as much as anyone who was an adolescent in 1998, but with Shakira and Usher as the two new Voice judges, that just seems unfair.) [Vulture]

Shia LaBeouf has bailed from the Broadway play Orphans due to "personal differences" with co-star Alec Baldwin, and has released transcripts of his e-mail apologies to Baldwin and Tom Sturridge. Oh, did I say apologies? I meant rambling, heteronormative owl pellets of idiocy.

"My dad was a drug dealer. He was a sh-t human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

"He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud."

A man knows how to find the rusty nail that I can jam into my eye after reading this intolerable email. [Just Jared]

Shortly before midnight, Miss Bonas, who wore a minuscule black dress and heels, showing off a pair of endless legs, stood up and walked over to sit on Harry's lap. The pair then began to kiss, with Harry stroking the back of her head as they did so, in a passionate clinch for several minutes.

Leave room for Jesus. You can get pregnant through your clothes. I know that because I'm a scientist. [Daily Mail]

A commercial starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus was pulled off the air in Israel after it was deemed offensive on behalf of the country's overweight citizens: in it, she congratulates a co-worker on her ostensible pregnancy but the lady isn't actually expecting. "I would like to apologise to Betty for thinking that she was pregnant. Obviously she hasn't dated anyone in forever!" Hee-haw! Hilarious? Israel's Yedid Association for Community Empowerment wrote an official letter of complaint:

"There are a lot of weight-challenged individuals in Israel who are treated in an irreverent and hurtful manner. There is no justification to illustrate a stigma which suggests a larger woman is either pregnant or simply too fat for anyone to consider going out with."

[Contact Music]

• You should buy the house that Matthew Perry can no longer afford after his series of post-Friends disappointments. ("I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour" I guess does not equal "I'll lend you $4.7 million so you can own your ridiculously ambitious piece of property.") [NYDN]
• Octomom smokes weed. [TMZ]
• Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas adopted two formerly abused and abandoned shepherd mixes. :33333 [TMZ]
• Jason Patric won't be getting custody of his son Gus, a judge has just decided. [TMZ]
• Charlie Sheen Anger Management blah blargh blarhgle. [TMZ]
• Mike Tyson now claims that his and his wife's financial advisors embezzled over $300,000 from them. [TMZ]
• Lady Gaga thanks fans for supporting her during her hip surgery. [Little Monsters]
• Oh snap: Now Will Arnett's leaving Up All Night. Mass exodus. [Vulture]
• Mark Hamill may be appearing in the newest Star Wars installment. [Vulture]
• Taylor Swift is a grown-up. "During her energetic dance routine, she body-humped one of her male dancers and lay on the floor while thrusting suggestively in time to the music." [Daily Mail]
• M.I.A. has started a "steal log" on Tumblr after claiming that the Bob Marley tribute at the Grammy's ripped her off. [Billboard]
• When Russell Brand heard that Harry Styles likes older women, he warned the lil' nugget that the repercussions might be "an intergenerational sex war." [News.com.au]
• Manolo Blahnik can't remember who Anne Hathaway is or why she's famous exactly. [Page Six]
• Rapper Lil Flip pleads not guilty of possession of a firearm, possession of a schedule 1 narcotic (weed), and speeding. Pretty sure he probs did those things. [Bossip]
• Hayden Panettiere got back together with her ex-boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko. [Us Weekly]
• Kris Jenner makes a funny: "I don't exploit my kids." [HuffPo]
• Kim Kardashian plans to quit Keeping Up With the Kardashians after Season 9. [Us Weekly]
• Take a gander at LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's new ginormous house, if you want, or don't want. [NYDN]
• Sigh. They're courting LeAnn for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [Radar Online]
• So Nicki Minaj posted these photos of herself in a skimpy neon thong bikini (thongkini?) and advised her followers to "jerk responsibly." [Us Weekly]
• Rihanna did something similar, sans the PSA caption. [NYDN]
• Yesterday was Ri-Ri's birthday and she sat on Chris Brown's lap. [MTV]
• And I guess they went to Hawaii. [Radar Online]

Kaisermachead had this to say about noted douche nozzle Shia LaBeouf's plagiarism of an Esquire piece about "what makes a man," whatever the fuck that means.

It doesn't matter. Michael Bay is eventually going to just eat his soul and process his body into a potent explosive for another movie's pyrotechnics.

Submit nominations to the Comment of the Day tag page. Click on the comment's time stamp, and post the comment's URL to the forum. (Replying to a comment with "#cotd" does not work; you need to go to the forum.) For meetups, use the meetup forum!

You know what there's not enough of? Temporary Coheed and Cambria tats on dudes' upper thighs. I know: it's something that we've been missing. You've actively been wondering where they are. But we might be headed there, thanks to this AWESOME new development.

Apparently Japanese advertisers are using women's thighs as ad space as part of the thesis that ads should run "wherever people are looking." Green Day is one of the groups that have taken advantage of such marketing techniques for their new album, ¡Uno!. As long as the ad "runs" for eight hours a day or more, they are paid the requisite fee—age 18 or above, naturally. And in order to prove as such, they must post photos of their upper-thigh area on Facebook, Twitter, or other media platforms.

This notion came from the Japanese phrase "zettai ryouiki koukoku" (absolute territory), referring to the space between a knee-high sock and a skirt. As of last November, 1300 women have registered themselves as candidates for this campaign on Absolute Territory PR, the team supposedly behind this new craze.

Apparently Australia had a sketcher non-consentual version of this idea that involved putting indented plates on benches.

'Next Ad Medium: Thighs Of Japanese Girls' [Buzzfeed]

On Amor:

"I'm so old!"

"I'm so bloody old!"

"Old people can't even hear."

"This is terrible."

On Les Mis:

"Do I have to rub dirt on my face?"

Some kids (and their parents, but that's kinda bleak to think about maybe?) re-enact the nine nominated Academy Awards film in this super-accurate send-up. AMERICA!

[via Hypervocal]

Since the Bush administration, Republicans in the House turned the privatization and pre-funding or retiree benefits 75 years into the future into a law. Bankrupting the USPS would put half million largely black and female unionized workers out of a job, according to Color of Change.

Writes senior campaign manager Kim Lehmkuhl:

It's critical to note that no other government agency or private corporation has ever faced this onerous of a pre-payment burden, which costs the USPS $5.5 billion a year. It's this huge check they have to write every year that has pushed the post office to the brink of bankruptcy, is why ending Saturday delivery is on the table, is what's threatening jobs, and what's giving House Republicans the excuse to go after dismantling the entire postal system.

Nationwide, 40% of postal workers are women and 20% are black, although in cities like Chicago, black letter carriers can comprise upwards of 75% of the local USPS workforce.15 When the country is still experiencing nearly 8% unemployment - and black unemployment has climbed back up to 14%16 - any deliberate effort to put even more of us out of work is indefensible.

More than 37 million underbanked American households rely on the post office—60% of which are black or Latino. Congress is expected to make its final decision on whether the USPS will cease its Saturday mail delivery tomorrow, and is working on further postal reform.

'Tell Congress: Stop bankrupting the USPS' [Color of Change]
[Jezebel inbox]

Superfoxes Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are divorcing after eight years of marriage, according to their reps: "It was a mutual decision. It was amicable. It's not ugly, it's just over." (Guh.) It's the second marriage for both of them. Although this means our fantasy of James Brolin, Barbra Streisand, Josh and Diane playing mah jong on a porch somewhere after getting family-style Chinese dinner is kaput, it might be good news: a few months after their 2004 marriage, Brolin was arrested for spousal battery. The charges were dropped, and it was later referred to as a "misunderstanding."

He also reportedly had a sinister-sounding "hands-on" conversation with Robin Wright in 2008, has gotten into multiple bar brawls and was arrested for public intoxication this past New Year's Eve. Get it together. :-| [TMZ, Us Weekly]

They've been separated for a few months already, according to this report.

Because underneath that kohl eyeliner and sulky stares they are really just cylons created to produce hundies, the source does not say, but does not need to. [Entertainmentwise]

After her performance, which included some very grown-up thrusting (!), "Taylor was even getting her flirt on with Jordan Stephens of the Rizzle Kicks – they danced together – and she got behind the DJ decks at the shindig, at one point donning the headphones." [Radar Online]

Unsurprisingly, this is how Mel Gibson gets his flirt on at the club, says a source. "He went over to her table and hit on her by saying, ‘You're so [bleeping] gorgeous.' Then he pulled out his phone and started Googling himself." [Page Six]

• Ethan Hawke says some angry things about how the Oscars are bullshit, was coincidentally not nominated this year, or any year since 2004. [Page Six]
• Clint Eastwood got swatted. I feel like we're over chair jokes but I can't think of anything else so idk: LOL @ general crotchety status? [TMZ]
• The most important piece of investigative journalism in years is this thing about how much that annoying celebrity refrain "The gays love me!" is true. [Buzzfeed]
• Britney Spears' new boyfriend Normal Dave is already being picked apart by the media buzzards. I like to think of myself more as a Great Egret personally. [TMZ]
• Some kid who accomplishes the impressive feat of being in Twilight but also having basically nobody care about him (Bronson Pelletier? See, I told you) pled "no contest" to peeing in an airport, gets 2 years of probation. [TMZ]
• Okay, Justin Bieber. Rein it in. [Daily Mail]
• And stop buying Twitter followers. [PRWeb]
• Nick Cannon fruitlessly tries to convince us that Mariah Carey is not a diva at home and does all the normal wife-and-mother stuff. Like vacuuming the carpet with an unplugged Hoover encrusted with diamonds for 3 minutes and then soaking in jasmine water for 6 hours. [The Sun]
• Mumford and Sons "snubbed" One Direction backstage during the Brit Awards. [The Mirror UK]
• Meanwhile, Boy George feuds with Liam Payne. [Gossip Cop]
• Bono's wife Ali was in a biking accident but she's basically OK. You can finish your breakfast sandwich. [Express]
• Michael Bay casts Megan Fox in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake, which I guess makes her this shoe. [Daily Mail]
• Mira Sorvino has been cast as Jim Gaffigan's wife on a new CBS comedy but I will always remember her fondly as Mighty Aphrodite's Linda Ash a.k.a. Judy Cum. [HuffPo]
• Chris Rock, David Spade and Chris Farley's brother Kevin had probably what was the most hilarious meal ever, joined by "an attractive, 20-something woman." Was it you?? Why didn't you text me from the bathroom?! [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis will co-habitate soon. [Us Weekly]
• Kate Hudson jumped on a couch and smoked a cigarette. Penny Lane lives! [Us Weekly]
• Someone I hope to buy a drink for someday hacked Donald Trump's Twitter and posted Lil Wayne lyrics. [NYDN]
• Kelly Osbourne sprained her ankle trying not to fall into a public toilet. New 1,000-page book idea for Joyce Carol Oates. [NYDN]
• Okay, so Liam Hemsworth's fiancee Miley Cyrus and Chris Hemsworth's wife Elsa Pataky have the same uncommon haircut, but maybe it's not as weird as we think? [NYDN]
• An S&M themed photo shoot for V Magazine that leaked last year, featuring a topless Kate Moss and Rihanna, is officially out. [Radar Online]
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are already flipping their new $11 million Bel Air place. [NYDN]
• Meanwhile, Kim assures us that Keeping Up With the Kardashians is still her "number one priority," which is mostly just sad because it's not her $90,000 sneakers. [E!]

CBS anchor Rob Morrison resigned from his seats on This Morning and News at Noon yesterday after being arrested for choking his wife Ashley Morrison, also an anchor with the network.

A Post reporter sat with Morrison during happy hour at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Stamford, Connecticut, and got all the details on his messy home life "as he searched for answers at the bottom of a Bud Light pint."

Gonna go out on a limb and say it's not in there. At the time of his $100,000 bail on Sunday, he agreed not to drink, but was hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings on Sunday and Monday chugging Jameson and Bud.

He then asked a reporter if she had ever heard of a syndrome of men being beaten by women.

"Don't always assume it's the woman that calls the cops," Morrison said.

However, of the seven times the NYPD has been summoned to the Morrison home, six were placed by Ashley. I know: you're shocked.

Also some related "news," if you can call it that: Jennifer Rainville, a former fiancée of Morrison's with whom he may have been cheating on Ashley, penned a roman a clef Trance of Insignificance back in 2011. It sounds like some tried-and-true Jacqueline Susann jawn that was possibly inspired by the Grade-A cut of beefcake you see above.

...the main character, Jules, has a romance with an alcoholic, abusive morning news anchor named Jack Culligan. Jules leaves Jack when he cheats on her with a fellow newscaster he later marries. "Jack then has an affair with Jules, and she writes that Jack's wife would divorce him if not for 'her damn southern pride."

When asked about this, Morrison responded (and I quote): "Why would I say anything? So unless you want to talk about the Bruins or the Grateful Dead, I'm done, bro."

YA BRO.

'Disgraced TV anchor Rob Morrison drowns sorrows at Conn. bar after resigning from CBS' [NY Post]
'Rob Morrison Accused of Cheating With Two Fellow Anchors, May Be Subject of Steamy Novel' [NY Mag]

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a bro just wants another bro to hang out with. To eat gourmet cheese together under a canopy bed, and talk about everything—or nothing!—and be comfortable with each other, and themselves, and their bodies, and the world. To this end, College Humor hit the nail on the head with this eBromance video.

'eBromance' via College Humor