In an obvious gambit to get the gazelle-like clotheshorses of Fashion Week to drop a few pounds of water weight in order for a dress to hang juuuust right, the Council of Fashion Designers of America have announced a new partnership with Gwyneth Paltrow-approved juice cleanse/detox brand Organic Avenue that will allow Fashion Week models to go to town on, say, a Dandelion-Kale salad, for 50% off the regular price.

The CDFA, headed by president Diane Von Furstenberg and CEO Steven Kolb, released the following statement about the newly-brokered deal:

"Models have described the difficulty of finding food that is both nutritious and convenient during Fashion Week. Please keep this in mind for both backstage and fittings. To address this issue, we have partnered with Organic Avenue during Fashion Week and continuing through March 31, Organic Avenue will provide support and education to models in addition to a generously discounted rate of 50% on all cold-pressed juices and food. We hope that this will give models both guidance and the added nutrition they need during this demanding time!"

The regular cost of an Organic Avenue juice is $9 to $13. That's some expensive-ass lawn water.

'Fashion Week Giving Models Half-Price Juice Cleanses' [Buzzfeed]

Although Tracy Jordan's lackey Walter "Dot Com" Slattery (played by Kevin Brown) only pops up occasionally on your dearly beloved 30 Rock, many of the 1993 Wesleyan University graduate cerebral musings (which the rest of the gang rarely get) have been compiled by our friend Slacktory. With an encyclopedic knowledge of everything from Uta Hagen to George Eliot, dude should have been smart enough to stay far, farrrr away from the denizens of network television.

[Slacktory]

While we wait with '50s cocktails and bated breath for the last season of Mad Men, Elisabeth Moss shot Jane Campion's new Sundance Channel miniseries Top Of the Lake, in which she played a hard-boiled female detective and "damaged fortysomething women sleep in shipping crates." Sounds like my mom's house.

Moss played coy about where Peggy will end up in the new season: "The only thing I can even say is that she's trying on new things. She's trying to figure out who she is, still, and she hasn't quite found it yet. But I think her journey in trying to figure out who she is … she's getting closer. She's getting closer.")

She also spoke about how Campion used her "wonderful female energy" to coax Moss into her first-time onscreen nudity:

Yeah, that was an interesting part of it, because I knew there was going to be some nudity, and I didn't want to do it at first. I sort of balked at it and scrutinized it and went over it, but in my initial conversations with Jane, I'd get off the phone with her and be like, "You know, I just feel safe. I have a feeling that this is going to be fine." And it wasn't just that she told me it was gonna be fine and she told me it was gonna be safe.

But Jane Campion is going to be the last… she's the most feminist woman in the world. You know, she's going to be the last person to take advantage of you. Most importantly, too, she was like, "You're gonna look great." [Laughs.] And as a female, an actress, that's important. And you don't want to be put in any position - pun intended - that's not good. And she just made me feel safe. I was able to look at playback on set and make sure that things were going in the right direction.

'Elisabeth Moss on Top of the Lake, Working With Jane Campion, and Getting Naked' [Vulture]

On The Colbert Report, Tavi Gevinson told a thrilled Stephen Colbert that he has an aura of "Capital-C, capital-D Cool Dad."

Well, this makes sense. The husband of 31-year-old Lori Stodghill and her unborn twins, who died in the lobby of St. Thomas More Hospital in Canon City, Colorado, filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the hospital and its conglomerate, Catholic Health Initiatives, for all three victims. Here's a writeup, and now there's an interview:

Click to view

Stodghill passed away of a heart attack while waiting for care on New Year's Day of 2006. The litigation has been going on for two years, and defense attorneys just launched an argument that startled bereaved husband Jeremy Stodghill, as well as anyone familiar with the Catholic stance on abortion: an embryo is not a person. The judge ruled in favor of the hospital, which then counter-sued Stoghill for over $118,000 in legal fees.

Jeremy Stodghill has petitioned the state's Supreme Court to hear his case and plans on following up with the Catholic Church on the matter. Although reps for the Catholic bishops of Colorado declined to comment on the legal tactic, they have stated that they plan to review the Catholic Health Initiative's practices "to ensure fidelity and faithful witness to the teachings of the Catholic Church." So remember, kids: Life begins at conception, except when it's inconvenient and costly!

'Lawyers for Catholic hospital argue that a fetus is not a person' [CNN]

Keith Moffatt of USA in action during the Mens High Jump during the British Athletics International Match at the Emirates Arena on January 26, 2013 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

Last year it was discovered that bisexual women were more likely to have depression or anxiety than straight women—the head researcher said this was likely due to dealing with the stigma against bisexuals. Now, the first national study that examines abuse rates by womens' self-identified sexual orientation has discovered that they're nearly twice as likely to be abused at the hands of a partner than straight women are. The study, which was conducted in 2010 but just released Friday:

found that 35% of straight women had experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by a partner at some point in their lives. But 43.8% of lesbian women had experienced one of the three, as had a full 61.1% of bisexual women. [...] 46.1% of [bisexual women] had experienced rape at some point, compared with 13.1% of lesbian women and 14.7% of straight women.

85% of the abusive situations reported by the bisexual women were perpetrated by a male partner. Over half of these women also said that their personal and professional lives suffered after their attack, compared with just 33.5% of the lesbians and 28.2% of the straight women.

The head of the study, Mikel Walters, hopes that her findings will lead to more research and awareness about domestic abuse across all sexual orientation lines: "We hope that these findings will be used by policymakers and practitioners to expand services to everyone who experiences intimate partner violence."

'Bisexual Women Almost Twice As Likely To Be Abused As Straight Women' [Buzzfeed]

Image via Jonas Jensen/Shutterstock

You may remember Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner, the delightful duo on RightWingWatch.org's radio station, as the super-conservative wackadoos who hated and wanted to eat the Muppets. Now, they want you to know that giving your daughter the gift of upper schooling will launch her esteemed future in "selfish, narcissistic, family-destroying whoring." (Feminism. He means feminism.) Swanson and Buehner, who are obviously women's issue scholars, also inform listeners that there are actually two sects of these man-hating, godless harpies to look out for:

There are two forms of feminism, and it actually has to do with a division of how attractive a woman is.

Oh, right, the feminst discourse that Germaine Greer and Gloria Steinem once discussed passionately and at length until their Cafe Ole's got cold. Tell me more.

So, you have the group that is very attractive, they're in the sororities, they're gonna be in the beauty contests. They're actually going to get the good jobs. They're going to leverage their attractiveness in the marketplace because it has a market value. Marketing. It helps market who you are. They're going to proceed, now they will probably some of them become the Sarah Palin-style feminists, they'll get themselves a husband, but they'll never be dependent on the husband, they'll never submit to the husband, in fact they will use their power probably to make their husband submit to them.

So that's... the good kind? Verdict: Whore (?) On the other hand, the second group is:

Attractively challenged. Optically challenged. These are the kinds that will look for careers mostly likely in academia [and] they're generally very angry about it because their attractive…or their lack of attractiveness has not given them access to power that they wanted in the marketplace... Academia's actually the best place because you can be angry, ugly and you can also get tenure.

Which brings us back to those Ugly Academic Women who hand out flyers about the patriarchy at the Au Bon Pain on campus when they're not in class doing a Vulcan mind-meld on your daughter. Verdict: SUPER Whore.

Which one are you?! Is there an online test for this? Like the electronic Sorting Hat quiz from Harry Potter?

'Jesus: Don't Let Your Daughters Go To College To Turn Into Ugly Feminist Whores' [Wonkette]

The epic catfishing of Manti Te'o continues to befuddle the nation. 23-year-old Los Angeles woman Diane O'Meara, whose photographs were now infamously appropriated by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo as an avatar for the nonexistent "Lennay Kekua," wrote a piece in the L.A. Times where she basically just does this. And who can blame her?

I thought I had been careful with the privacy settings on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I kept up with Facebook's privacy policies and took advantage of privacy tools. My private profile was not searchable by anyone who was not a "friend of a friend." I even limited access to photos of me that were posted by other people and tagged on my profile. And I made sure that every post and tag that was on my timeline was there because I allowed it to be there.

O'Meara explains that Tuiasosopo, an acquaintance from her high school, took a variety of photos off of her Facebook page without her knowledge (obviously), and eventually contacted her for personalized shots, plying her with a sob story:

In a series of increasingly frantic messages in December, he asked me to get in touch with him, saying, "It's an emergency" and assuring me "I'm not hitting on you." [...] When I finally did make contact, he told me that he was trying to cheer up his cousin, who'd been nearly killed in a car accident and was awaiting surgery for head trauma.

She has since shut down her Twitter, Facebook and Instagram but says that it's "a temporary solution" and she'll eventually return to the Interwebz.

'Through social media, a launch into the Manti Te'o scandal' [L.A. Times]

Something all pet shop employees should take note of when giving a new macaw owner customer care tips: These majestic tropical birds enjoy Flocka's musical stylings way more than that lame cuttlebone you put in their cage. My favorite part is the tiny shit the one on the right takes at the end. Nothing like a gastrointestinal way to say "Le fin."

Have a nice Saturday night and stay warm!

[via Tastefully Offensive]

I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. Instead, Chris Brown, Frank Ocean and six posse members threw down in the parking lot of a recording studio in West Hollywood last night.

Aside from the wanton aggression and flashiness that serves as the through-line of all of Brown's dumbassery, it bears little resemblance to The Great Drake and Chris "Da Club" Incident of 2011, later immortalized in a mushroom-fueled pan flute ballad by Jethro Tull. No bottles were thrown, and it was not over Rihanna. Instead, it was over a parking space, which is how the feud between the Montagues and the Capulets began, actually.

As Chris went to leave, Ocean and his [...] crew blocked Chris from leaving. Sources say Frank said, "This is my studio, this is my parking spot." At that point, Chris went to shake Frank's hand and one of Frank's people attacked Chris... whose friends jumped in front and hit Frank's friend.

At which point we get a quote that was likely printed under Brown's yearbook picture:

"The altercation allegedly led to Chris Brown punching the victim," the department said in a statement released early Monday morning.

Despite Katy Perry's best efforts, one cannot domesticate the Wild Striped Douchebag, and John Mayer is no exception. Like the Countess Elizabeth Báthory, best remembered for bathing in the blood of virgins to retain her youth, it was only a matter of time before Mayer found the latest zeitgeisty female It-person and tried to suck the publicity out of them.

He was spotted at the Jane Hotel on Friday night with Girls star Allison Williams, his arm around her waist. Williams is reportedly dating Mayer's friend Ricky Van Veen, the founder of College Humor. So I guess one could argue that this incident is a harmless friend hang, but that's kind of like saying otters like a little oil spill in their water!

Afterwards the two had Mexican food in the West Village with a third dude, and "seemed to be in an intense conversation the entire night. They stayed pretty late until the restaurant was clearing out." Mystery solved: HE'S the wound. [NYDN]

Amy Poehler is writing a book! Amy Poehler is writing a book! "Her original twist on the conventional memoir will have universal appeal," says publisher Harper Collins, explaining that it will be "an illustrated, non-linear diary full of humor and honesty and brimming with true stories, fictional anecdotes and life lessons." Drops 2014. [Vulture]

Approximately half the hands imprinted in the pavement outside Grauman's Chinese Theater have touched the boobs of self-professed 1970s starfucker Carole Mallory, who was rebounding from a broken engagement with Pablo Picasso's son Claude. She wrote about her sexploits in a new tell-all for anyone interested in Peter Sellers' body hair.

Robert Deniro: "During lovemaking, he never stopped looking in my eyes. He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on."

Peter Sellers: "I kissed him all over his hairy body. He had hair everywhere. He even had it on his back. I liked it. He reminded me of a giant panda bear."

Richard Gere: "His gymnastic skills were apparent. He made love his way . . . He didn't withhold. He was Valentino in the flesh. A sex symbol not to be forgotten. Not to be lumped in with all the others, but to be remembered for his uniqueness. His thoughtfulness. His caring."

[Page Six]

In which Rihanna premieres her new fashion line for River Island, inspired by London street fashion and meant for "young women. Young, sassy personalities. [...] My style is definitely inspired by by mood." Do you have moods, Rihanna? I didn't know.

The array of Super Bowl celebrity afterparties is pretty spectacular, but here is my favorite one.

...hot LA Club Beacher's Madhouse will take over the Lounge 88 at the W Hotel for a red- carpet event with performances including 49ers versus Falcons midget wrestling, mini Ke$ha, mini Kanye West, plus "live goats and monkeys running around.

Pictured: Pharell Williams with "mini Ke$ha."

Okay. I think the correct term is "little person." I also think that sounds like a deleted scene of one of those creepy, jaded parties from La Dolce Vita that just makes everyone feel dead inside. But here is a Craigslist ad if you want to dance for it. [Page Six]

• James Deen gives Lindsay Lohan a (verbal) spanking. "In porn I am used to working with professionals who are courteous to others. But Lindsay was like a child lashing out." [The Sun]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano!) got engaged to a dude by the interesting name of Cutter Dykstra. [Us Weekly]
• Tina Fey revealed what's next on the menu after 30 Rock: a stint in London to film the second Muppets movie, and then a movie called Mail Order Groom with Steve Carrell. [Us Weekly]
• Adele's deadbeat dad wants back in now. (Of course.) [Us Weekly]
• Justin Bieber's new song is supposedly an ode to the Sturm und Drang of dating Selena Gomez: "That's in the past now / We didn't last now." [Us Weekly]
• The new woman who Tim Tebow is not putting his one-eyed friction whistle inside is a church-going young lady by the name of Callie Blaine Balzano. [Celebrity Dirty Laundry]
• Frank Ocean wants to press charges against Chris Brown for Sunday's parking lot brawl. [Bossip]
• Bradley Cooper clears up three rumors floating around the Internet: he won't be playing Lance Armstrong in a biopic, he's not dating Taylor Swift and the moon is not, in fact, made of blue cheese. [Page Six]
• After filming the UK's Celebrity Big Brother, Speidi plan to stay in Britain and have a kid, which is obviously late comeuppance for King George's dickishness/the Revolutionary War. [The Daily Mail]
• Tim Burton broke the 18th century porcelain strung together with piano wire that supports his arm and shoulder. Mournful Goth movie about the difficulties of opening a car door coming in 2015. [Express]
• Anne Hathaway was overheard telling people that she met "a lot of bad ones" (specifically, con artists!) before hooking up with Adam Shulman. [People]
• January Jones says that her hair has been dyed so often that it's falling out. I'm sure guys will still like her for her personality. [People]
• Anna Wintour's longtime boyfriend Shelby Bryan owes $1.2 million in back taxes. [Page Six]
• Supposedly Demi Moore was supposed to star in A League Of Their Own before Bruce Willis knocked her up. [NYDN]
• Taye Diggs singlehandedly apprehended a burglar who was robbing the house he shares with Idina Menzel. Do not fuck with anyone from the original cast of RENT. [NYDN]
• Diane Sawyer may be retiring from ABC World News this year. [NYDN]
• Newsanchor Chris Cuomo is leaving 20/20 for CNN. [Gossip Cop]
• Ryan Lochte forgot his shirt, and his pants, and most of his underwear. Luckily, he remembered the toned, godlike Christmas hams that most of us refer to as thighs. [E!]
• Massive slideshow of stars without makeup. Thanks, New York Daily News. [NYDN]
• Jon Hamm + This photo of Tony Danza 4 E and E and E. [Buzzfeed]

Unfortunately, The Year That Love Died appears to be extending into 2013: Actress, vocal feminist and possible Kentucky senatorial candidiate Ashley Judd and her husband, three-time Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti, are divorcing after eleven years of marriage, which is like a golden anniversary in celebrity years.

"We have mutually decided to end our marriage. We'll always be family and continue to cherish our relationship based on the special love, integrity, and respect we have always enjoyed."

The split is mature and amicable, and Judd doesn't seem destroyed over taking "racing wife" off her resumé, maybe because she is so tired from running and screaming and saving her TV son from shadowy baddies.

Right around the moment Dakota Fanning made out with Kristen Stewart-as-Joan Jett in The Runaways, you may have realized that she's segued from her super-driven, super-child-actressy days (see: Amy Poehler's SNL sendup) to her eyeliner-skinny jeans-posing-for-Marc Jacobs-ads-going-to-Coachella period. But the Kote's grown-ass womanhood will be solidified when her coming-of-age drama Very Good Girls drops this year, featuring Fanning's first-ever onscreen nude scene. (And maybe the first time she has ever been naked, like, ever. How do we know?!)

She explained at Sundance this year, "Yeah, well, I've never done that before and I'm very newly allowed to do that. I was newly 18, so yeah, it was, it's kind of a sensitive thing, but it's a part of life."

But then, she did a rape scene in Hounddog at 12, so this must feel like going backwards? [MTV News]

A vintage photograph of Arnold Schwarzenegger in flagrante (that means "fucking," for those of you who didn't go to clown college), was discovered in the storage locker of the deceased founder of Penthouse along with shots of Madonna and Lauren Hutton. YouPorn has offered $150,000 for the Governator's shot, plus (more improtantly), a letter that includes the phrase "Schwarzenegger's 'Schwanz.'" I will offer only this advice: don't shine a blacklight on those pictures because they'll probably look like a map of Hawaii. [TMZ]

The Los Angeles judge unfortunate enough to be saddled with Lindsay Lohan, who deigned to show up for court after planning to skip it, showed her that mama don't take no mess. Her lawyer said that LiLo's upper respiratory infection—a result of New York's flu epidemic—made it unwise for her to fly.

"Glad to see you're feeling better," Sautner said a few minutes into the pretrial hearing for Lohan's misdemeanor car crash case. "Thank you," the actress replied.

Sautner then asked: "Is that a cold?"

"Yes," Heller replied. "In New York City, it's the flu."

"No it isn't," Sautner, a former New York City police detective, shot back. "I still have New Yorker in me. The flu is a whole different test."

In the court of phlegm, LiLo is out of order. Cue Law & Order gavel noise. [NYDN

Hey, remember those weird leather leggings that Lindsay Lohan designed a few years ago? She's suing another brand for using her trademarked name for the line, 6126 (representing Marilyn Monroe's birthday). [TMZ]

What even is her new tattoo? [Vh1]

Michael Lohan and Kate Major have a new baby to fuck up. [Us Weekly]

To whom Dina Lohan offers a not-so-heartfelt "congratufuckinglations." [TMZ]

As if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's mopy union was not already full of holes in the shape of Rupert Sanders' chino-clad penis, the 18-and-a-half hour distance between L.A. (where K-Stew is) and Adelaide, Australia (where R-Patz is) is proving a challenge to the couple. Attention me! cries Kristen.

"Robert is often starting his working day when Kristen is busy, and vice versa. And he's not the best at sending texts, or keeping in touch in the first place. Kristen is angry with him because she thinks he's not giving her enough attention – it's absolutely killing her. So, she's told him off and said she wants more messages, updates…. Anything…. so she doesn't feel forgotten about!"

hey
hey
how's your hair today
good yours
good
...
are you there baby?
sry there was kangaroo
ROB I HATE WHEN YOU DO THIS [Radar Online]

It sounds like the setup of a Comedy Central Roast joke, but Oprah strained her back while picking up a massive floral arrangement for her birthday sent by Tyler Perry. Derp. Blowjob punchline! Applause, please. [Page Six]

• Michael Jackson's former doctor (and possible baby-daddy of Prince), Dr. Allen Metzger, is being sued by a female patient for sexual harassment. [TMZ]
• Of the five Entemann's mini-cupcakes in One Direction, Selena Gomez said she would kiss Zayn Malik. [Extra TV]
• Finally, finally, the Internet might be bored of Lady Gaga, according to a traffic study. [Accuracast]
• Shiny-haired pregnant human Kate Middleton bought some yoga pants. [Us Weekly]
• Meanwhile, her father-in-law Prince Charles took the subway ("the tube") for the first time in 27 years Camilla Parker-Bowles for a laugh, which would have been VERY different in New York. "I say, is that a Churro I can buy from a shopping cart? Look at that homeless chap screaming about his genitals! Jolly good." [Page Six]
• Charlize Theron might be in some Seth MacFarlane Western. [Vulture]
• Bradley Cooper, who has played 135135 writers at this point for some reason, will play a true-crime writer in his next movie. [Vulture]
• Kim Kardashian and Serena Williams had a girls' night out and Instagrammed it. Because if it's not on Instagram, it didn't happen. [Us Weekly]
• Game of Thrones actor Jason Momoa stays in shape by having secks a lot. [TMZ]
• The Four Seasons is inexplicably footing Justin Bieber's Ferrari repair bill after his ne'er do well friend Lil Twist caused $10,000 worth of damage to it. [TMZ]
• After posting some comments about former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher on Twitter, Brendan Coyle (Mr. Bates of Downton Abbey), was taken to task by a fan who said the comments were "beneath him." His response: "Hard to know how to respond to that... but go f*** yourself feels about right." And: "You have no idea what is beneath me... p.s. go f*** yourself x". I think I know what's beneath him... Anna the maid! TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE. [HuffPo]
• Haaa, here is Simon Cowell's booster seat for his judging chair on Britain's Got Talent. [Daily Mail]
• Zooey Deschanel spent some time in something called a "wine cave"/what dreams are made of. [People]
• Nicki Minaj is fine with not getting nominated for a Grammy this year, um, sort of: "I think that the Grammys had a different reason, that I do not want to discuss ... and that's just between me and them." Hotay, Nicki. [USA Today]
• Josh Groban and Katy Perry almost dated once, although he would not comment on "whether their tongues ever touched." (Journalism is so classy.) Also, he dated January Jones for two years, which I'd totally forgotten. [Gossip Cop]
• OK, supposedly this isn't true, but Heidi Klum setting up blind dates for Sandra Bullock. Practical Magic! Look for one green eye and one blue eye! [Gossip Cop]
• Supermodel Brooklyn Decker got glasses, is now the rom-com archetype of One Of Those Girls Who Would Be Soooo Pretty Without Her Glasses. [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone and her 27-year-old boyfriend Martin Mica broke up. [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus caught a paparazzo on camera, parking in a handicapped spot. What a little sassafrass she is. [NYDN]

In HBO's upcoming Beyoncéumentary Life Is But A Dream, Beyoncé publicly discusses her pre-Blue Ivy miscarriage for the first time, which Jay-Z referenced in his song "Glory" (recorded days after Blue Ivy's birth).

"About two years ago, I was pregnant for the first time. And I heard the heartbeat, which was the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life. I picked out names. I envisioned what my child would look like... I was feeling very maternal. I flew back to New York to get my check up – and no heartbeat. Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat. [And then] I went into the studio and wrote the saddest song I've ever written in my life, and it was actually the first song I wrote for my album. And it was the best form of therapy for me."

She also compares being pregnant to being in love ("You are so open. You are so overjoyed. There's no words that can express having a baby growing inside of you, so of course you want to scream it out and tell everyone"). GAH, so sad. :-( But, as anyone with a magazine subscription and/or a pulse is aware, her story has a happy ending. [Us Weekly, Rolling Stone]

On a lighter note, a self-confessed tipsy Jennifer Lawrence (the producers gave her tequila shots!) told Jimmy Kimmel that her boobs are two slightly different sizes. I think that's normal; mine are. That's normal, right? Can someone Tweet that question at Judy Blume for me?

"I just went to the doctor today, I got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven. I was like standing there with these doctors and they're like looking at my lungs and I just couldn't-it felt like an elephant in the room-and I was like, 'Are my breasts uneven?' And they were just kind of, like, stifled and uncomfortable, obviously. So I kept thinking, 'Well, I'm gonna dig myself out of this hole by bringing it up again.' So he was like, 'All right, our radiologist will get back to you about your lungs.' And I was like, 'And my breasts.'"

Judy! Are our boobies normal? Halp! [E!]

OK, I will admit that I am unclear on why Kristin Chenoweth needs a service dog on a flight other than the fact that she is a Very Important Diva. Regardless, she was chastised for bringing the pup, Madeleine, on an American Airlines plane without proper paperwork, and she burst into tears. A rep from American Airlines says: "We have been in touch with Ms. Chenoweth to offer our apologies for the misunderstanding. We refunded the [$125] cabin pet charge as soon as we realized the mistake. We hope she will consider flying American again in the future."

Hey, never mind, TMZ misreported.

[TMZ]

Esteemed douche nozzle John Mayer tells Rolling Stone that he's happy with Katy Projectile-Bra Perry since we were all so obviously concerned. "I haven't had any trouble in my private life at all. It's been ... I mean, I'm quite happy. I'm happy in all aspects of my life. I'm very happy in all aspects of my life." But how is his racist penis doing? You can't just mention that in one Rolling Stone interview and not follow up in another! [NYDN]

Tracy Morgan and his fiancée Megan Wollover are having their first baby. [Gossip Cop]

• Wolfgang Puck is being sued after a lady got smashed in the head by a waitress's pitcher. [TMZ]
• The domestic violence charges against Jeremy London have been dropped. [TMZ]
• This one time, Katie Couric refused to go out with Michael Jackson: "Too weird." [HuffPo]
• Taylor Swift and Harry Styles want nothing to do with each other now because feeeeeeelings. [DNA India]
• Adorable ginger Ed Sheeran is moving to America to join Taylor Swift on tour, where they will hopefully sit in small town diners at 2 AM and share their hopes and dreams and fall in love? [Entertainmentwise]
• You too can smell like Adam Levine's sweaty leather-clad taint. [Contact Music]
• Steven Tyler snuck onto American Idol and auditioned in drag, as one is wont to do. [Daily Mail]
• Okay, Ashton Kutcher, I'm officially convinced that you can pull off the Steve Jobs biopic.* [Twitter]
  *Did you guys know that Steve Jobs and Diane Keaton once dated for two seconds? And she thought he was crazy for saying all this stuff about how computers were the future? LOLs are supplied, for she was not correct!
• Miranda Lambert on her marriage to Blake Shelton: "Divorce is not an option! I will fight to the death. I am a ninja." Healthy! [Redbook]
• Bradley Cooper likes going to the movies alone, just like your average Muggle. [NDTV]
• Magic Mike 2! Magic Mike 2! (Working title: Magic Mike 2: Everybody Say UNNN, Na Na Na Na.) [E!]
• But not until Chay Tates learns how to change diapers. [People]
• Chronic oversharer Brandi Glanville hung onto Eddie Cibrian for awhile longer by making out with other women and letting him watch. [Daily Mail]
• Rocker and possible Lindsay Lohan beau Max George caught on fire during a concert but HE IS OKAY. [The Sun]
• Russell Brand is down with yoga partially because of his female classmates' "sexual energy." See, this is why my male friends are afraid to go to yoga—they're scared they'll seem like lecherous creeps who are only there to look up girls' assholes. [The Sun]
• Speaking of which, Colin Farrell went to hot yoga and I'd look up his asshole any day of the week, NAHMSAYING LADIES? Just kidding, I'd probably touch his face and run away. [Page Six]
• Lil Wayne cut his dreads off! [Instagram]
• Katie Holmes went bowling with a dude. [Page Six]
• Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb are having a baaaby. Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is! [Us Weekly]
• Kristin Cavillari stopped breastfeeding her son Camden because it was taking over her life. I still can't believe that Kristen from Laguna Beach has a kid. SUNRISE, SUNSET, motherfucker. [Us Weekly]

So last night Beyoncé literally blew the lights out at the Super Bowl with a powerhouse performance featuring Destiny's Child (dammit, why "Bootylicious"? If they had done "Survivor" or "Bills Bills Bills," I would have jumped on the coffee table and dumped the nacho dip over my head like a 'roid-riddled athlete bathes in Gatorade). Plus she was giving us really intense "fuck you for putting me through all that lip-synching bullshit" death-eyes. Oh, and there were two creepy face-silhouettes made of fire, and a dazzling array of digital Beyoncés, and Michelle Obama called it "phenomenal," AND here is some intel on her black leather butt doily if that's the kind of thing that grinds your gears.

Anyway, she's back, and she's just announced the Mrs. Carter World Tour (love! Love, you guys!), her first multi-city tour in more than three years, which starts in Serbia and ends in Brooklyn. There is a video. It's marginally insane. [YouTube via Hollywood Life]

And here are gifs. [Vulture]

A hella comprehensive list of celebrities responding to Beyonce's halftime extravaganza on Twitter. (With an impressive volume of reactions that are simply "BEYONCE!!!") [Gossip Cop]

It's LOVE, you guys, it's love, I want it. [NYDN]

Ever since Megan Fox's son Noah was born, her diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder has significantly improved, Fox told Marie Claire UK: "I think Brian [Austin Green] was waiting to see what I would do [during the birth], because, you know, when they come out they are covered in all kinds of stuff. I took him right on my chest and, from that moment, nothing he does freaks me out. I don't want to give him a complex. [The OCD] has been significantly better since he was born. I would say, like, 80 percent better. Which is nice." [Contact Music]

A source close to Katie Holmes says that she wants to start dating again but is scared that she'll fall RIGHT back into being the indentured servant/arm candy of a toothy megalomaniac who prays to space aliens again. Oldest story in the book, you guys. I mean, if I had a dime for every time I talked to my therapist about that, I'd have... zero dimes?

"Katie's in a dilemma, because she wants to date but is concerned where it could lead to from there. She's worried that if she commits herself fully to another man, she will have to give up the freedom she's enjoying so much at the moment. As a single woman, she has no one controlling her nowadays, telling her what to do or who to see and she absolutely loves it!

However, at the same time, she also misses being with someone special to share experiences with and she doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life. Katie's got Suri for the time being, and she is her best friend, but she does eventually want to find a man she can be that close with as well. She's just a little nervous and cautious about relationships still right now."

[Radar Online]

Justin Timberlake got in trouble with the Twitterverse after his a concert in New Orleans last night, when he prefaced his song "Cry Me A River" (supposedly written about his 2002 split with Britney Spears after she allegedly cheated on him with her choreographer Wade Robinson) with the following: "Sometimes in life, you think you found the one. But then one day you find out that she is just some bitch." He has already taken to Twitter to do damage control.

[Times Live]

• A member of Justin Bieber's posse got in trouble for threatening an errant photo-snapping bystander. [TMZ]
• Are he and Selena Gomez back together? Are we too old to care about this shit? Anyone ever try to self-diagnose shingles? I have! [Us Weekly]
• Nadya "Octomom" Suleman can't keep track of all her damn kids. [TMZ]
• Larissa Oleynik, better known as Alex Mack, the plucky Nickelodeon preteen who got splashed with toxic waste and developed the amazing ability to turn into a Capri Sun commercial liquid-person, got a restraining order against a dude. [TMZ]
• Unfathomably, it has JUST occurred to Lindsay Lohan that she owes her former lawyer $150,000. [TMZ]
• Mel B. borrowed sneakers from Grimace. [Daily Mail]
• Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Hudson sang together at a Super Bowl party. [Just Jared]
• Only a royal person like Kate Middleton can pull off a G-D tartan cape. Props. [Us Weekly]
• Jessica Simpson's little daughter Maxwell stood in her fancy sink and looked inquisitive. [Us Weekly]
• One Direction cheese puff and pride of England, Harry Styles, had a stripper-laden bacchanal for his 19th birthday. [People]
• Michelle Obama took some of her lady friends to go see a Musiq Soulchild concert. To which she danced! Too adorable. [Page Six]
• Stevie Wonder stopped his Super Bowl concert in New Orleans to announce his daughter Aisha Morris's engagement. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and Adriana Lima had sushi separately. Not a euphemism. [Page Six]
• "Katie Couric doesn't live life like a rapper," reads the first line of this item. WHAT? My entire life is a lie.[Page Six]
• Adele got her mom a $950,000 London apartment. [Radar Online]
• Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend Scott Disick is buying another Miami club. [NYDN]
• Nicki Minaj told her Young Money mentor/pal Lil Wayne he probably wouldn't like American Idol. [Vulture]

IMHO, Naomi Watts has always been the more endearing half of the blonde, icy "Aussie Posse" best-friend duo that includes herself and Nicole Kidman. Watts, who got a Lead Actress Academy Award nod for her role in The Impossible, is filming a 60 Minutes CBS segment as part of their pre-Oscars nominee special. But when asked to speak in a quick 5-minute segment on behalf of Watts, Kidman declined. Says an insider: "Clearly she's not inclined to help her friend because she's jealous she's not in this year's Oscar's spotlight." Kidman's camp protests that she had to turn it down due to time constraints, but the source (who I am picturing as Watts' husband Liev Schreiber with a fake girly voice) shoots back: ""It was a ‘no' right off the bat [for Nicole.] She could have made time if it was a priority."

To make matters more competitive, the two are currently each shooting the biopic of a famous golden-haired princess-slash-tabloid victim at the moment: Kidman is portraying Princess Grace of Monaco and Watts Princess Diana. [NYDN]

Finally, Kidman admits to Botox. (She's laying off the Botox.) [HuffPo]

Jennifer Aniston, preternatural favorite of the "loser-in-love" tabloid story, is taking preventative measures with Justin Theroux so that she doesn't become a GROSS OLD CRONE FISHWIFE (translation: A beautiful, successful, charismatic single female millionaire) and dragging Justin to couples therapy.

"She thought it would be a good idea to start married life rid of any problems," a source close to the two told Grazia. "Justin seems to be as much a believer in the therapy as Jennifer is. On arrival, they had to hand over their mobile phones and undertake counseling, couple massages and screaming therapy - where you howl your feelings out at the top of your voice. It was pretty tough going and they had to address all of their deepest fears and worries.'' My deepest fear and worry would probably start with an "A" and end with "gelina Jolie." [Belfast Telegraph]

Russell Brand, one of the last people on earth who can be effectively described with old-timey Britishisms like "scalliwag" and "gadabout," has apparently invited Demi Moore on a spiritual retreat at the Ananda Spa in the Himalayas because yoga and meditation helped him so much during his split with Katy Perry. The spa promises to "cleanse the soul" and "heal internally," which I bet won't be the ONLY thing going on "internally" (I'm talking about our old friends Penis and Vagina, just to be clear). Call me a purist, but I think vodka shots and flirtations with creepy, vaguely European dudes at bars are the only way to get over a breakup. You've got the right idea, Demi. [The Sun]

On Howard Stern's show, Brand said that he hardly listens to Perry's music and kind of gives no shits about her love connection with numb Lothario John Mayer.

"What do you think of your ex dating John? Isn't he a womanizer?" Stern asked.

"It's worse or better than me - depending on how you view it," Brand replied. "You have to let go of the instinct to protect someone once you divorce them."

[NYDN]

Lena Dunham covers Entertainment Weekly this week. ("My point with getting naked is never proven. It's not like, ‘Oh, I did it first season, and now you guys get that there's a women of a certain size on TV, so I'm done.' A guys came up to me while we were shooting and said, ‘My sister loves your tits.' I was like, ‘Thank you so much!'") I'm just so glad they didn't bring out that same old tired Breakfast At Tiffany's shoot. Let Audrey rest in peace, for God's sake. [Indie Wire]

Jonah Hill, Gerard Butler, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mel Gibson and Bradley Cooper go out clubbing together in Miami now and do stuff like spray the dance floor with 4-foot-long water guns. Who do they think they are, One Direction? A puffier, famous-ier, (mostly) Oscar-nominated version of Entourage? [Page Six]

• Some nerdy dude Bar Rafaeli made out with in a commercial says he's a hella chick magnet now. [TMZ]
• Christina Aguilera's husband Jordan Bratman toted all his crap out of her house. [TMZ]
• As if the obnoxious trucker hats weren't bad enough, Hubert Guez, the former CEO of Ed Hardy, is being sued by a female masseuse who says he tried to get her to perform a "happy ending" and also to hook up with his wife. [TMZ]
• American Idol contestant Matt Farmer lied about being injured in Afghanistan, going to Afghanistan, and probably knowing where Afghanistan was on a map. [ABC News]
• After Bill Maher mockingly offered Donald Trump $5 million dollars if The Donald could prove that he wasn't the son of a human woman and an orangutan, Trump procured his birth certificate and wants his money now. [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Anjelica Huston is campaigning to axe a commercial that features Donald Trump's cousin, a chimpanzee. [Express UK]
• Yoko Ono awarded Julian Assange a prize for "courage." [Express]
• Reg Presley of '60s band The Troggs has died at age 71. (Incidentally, skip to 4:45 in this video for a repeat-worthy song of theirs featuring a SUPER young Nicole Kidman and Thandie Newton in this awesome but obscure boarding school movie called Flirting). [NME]
• Jennifer Lawrence, American hero, plans on "getting wasted" and "having a blast" at the Oscars. Attagirl. [Pop Sugar]
• Kristen Wiig will be appearing in Anchorman 2. [Deadline]
• Alexander Skarsgard and Jack McBrayer have lunch together a lot. <3 [The Superficial]
• Innnnntroducing Shakira's newborn son Milan. [People]
• Jessica Chastain's dog derpily walked onstage during her performance of "The Heiress" on Broadway (Chastain's performance, not the dog's) and she had to lead it offstage. [Page Six]
• Kate Winslet "flashed" her wedding ring and it looks like a normal gold ring, EVERYBODY SCREAM. [Us Weekly]
• Oh, you know, Jane Seymour looking incredible without any makeup on. [Us Weekly]
• Chris Christie ate donuts on Dave Letterman. The show. Not like, off the man. [MSNBC]
• Why Jay-Z didn't join Bey onstage at the Super Bowl halftime show: "He wanted that to be her moment and didn't want to take away from it. She had been working her ass off." [Us Weekly]
• Blue Ivy is already dancing. Go fig. [Belfast Telegraph]
• Speaking of the Carters, Shaquille O'Neal got pretty into "Halo" live. [NYDN]
• Ailing Ron Jeremy is improving in a SoCal ICU after an aneurysm and is "showing signs of arousal" again. Ew/good? [NYDN]
• Kim Kardashian walked around on Sunday afternoon with a human person who has half of Kanye West's DNA growing inside her. [Us Weekly]
• Anne Hathaway strolled around with a scarf, huge sunglasses and a floppy hat covering the entirety of her face, which is weird enough to basically defeat the goal of going "incognito"? [NYDN]
• "My career is on the verge of being ridiculous all the time." Can't say Keira Knightley's not a straight shooter. [NYDN]
• Channing Tatum engaged in "a series of scary jujutsu moves" with UFC champion Cung Lee at a bar, just for shits. Chay Tates was born without the gene for fear? [Page Six]
• Bobbi Kristina Brown thinks Cissy Houston's tell-all Remembering Whitney is disrespectful and wants no part of it. [Radar Online]
• GO FIND YOUR FLATIRON: Fall Out Boy is back. [Rolling Stone]

The universe works in mysterious ways, but occasionally a gear will click into place and simplify at least one aspect of your troubled adult existence. Examples: cheese going on fries, and the fact that Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen are dating. See? Motherfucking TOLD YOU. It's like the plot of The Time Traveler's Wife set in the WB/CW universe. The real tragedy is that we don't get a Gossip Girl/O.C. crossover out of it where Serena totes falls for Ryan and his emotionally wounded anecdotes of the hard streets of Chino.

Apparently Leighton Meester and Adam Brody have been going out since they met on the set of upcoming movie The Oranges and have since spent some of January in Bangkok together (ironically the site of Chuck Bass's opium-fueled meltdown after his dad died, not that I watched the show obsessively and loved it and blew a metric fuck-ton of money on this dress). And I mean also, Bangkok. LOLOLOLZ, it is the name of the city in Thailand where they went, and also funny-sounding because = intercourse.

Guys, what is intercourse? Nobody will tell me. [Page Six]

Jennifer O'Neall, onetime friend and later assistant to Lady Gaga, is demanding $380,000 of unpaid overtime from Mother Monster. Their relationship was acrimonious (O'Neall says that she was given no privacy and treated like a slave on the 2010 tour; Gaga called O'Neall a "fucking hood rat.") Instead of paying up, Gaga plans on giving O'Neall's money to a cancer-stricken employee of the Haus, she says:

"Now her parents will keep paying for her and keep her until my cheque comes through, which she doesn't deserve and I'm not giving to her. She doesn't deserve a dollar more. I'm going to give all the money she wants to my employees that work hard for me and deserve it. I am going to give it to Sonja for her breast cancer, for her mastectomy. I'm not going to give it to [Jennifer] so she can go and buy a new tube top."

Which is very philanthropic of her? But wait, I'm having this totally revolutionary idea where you give money to both of them for being your indentured servants. [Daily Mail]

The third installment of Bridget Jones' Diary by Helen Fielding is coming out next fall in the UK. Meanwhile, Lily Allen has written music for the forthcoming Bridget Jones musical (song ideas: up-tempo "Unsexy Knickers," slow R&B jam "Snogging My Chap" and Mark Darcy's soulful romantic ballad "My Gherkin Is Turgid For You"). And also:

A further film sequel Bridget Jones' Baby by Working Title Films is due for release at some point this year.

Oh NBD, that's just Renee Zellwegger pratfalling into the abyss. :DDD [BBC]

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Chris Brown, whose public likability quotient currently rests somewhere between Hitler and Mel Gibson's. Yesterday, after L.A. courts began to consider revoking his probation because he may have falsified his community service hours in Virginia, he got emo on his now-private Instagram:

"Im wise I can handle the hate but enough is enough yo!! [...] Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect im sick of being accused. Im Tired yall just dont understand Ive been going through this shit since I was 19 years old..you cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?"

Just when everything seems to be going good, some new shit happens. A day in my shoes is a day in hell, believe it or not!"

That's some 2003-suburban-Livejournal shit right there. [E!]

Guy Fieri bugged out when he got turned away from a VIP Super Bowl party. Look, Frosted Tips, you still get to eat delectable plates of straight-up Americana bacon-wrapped bacon ice cream hamburgers for an insurmountable pile of money. Pick your battles. [NYDN]

• Allen Iverson lost his manse in foreclosure. [TMZ]
• "Mama" June Shannon of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo lost 100 lbs in a year without working out or dieting, but attributing it to how the show's producers "have me running around." Expect the Be Running Around And Stuff diet book to hit #1 on the NYT bestseller's list shortly. [TMZ]
• In which Jennifer Lawrence describes her short-lived stint as a carefree, beachy Young in the Abercrombie & Fitch ads: "[The other models] were model footballing. I was real footballing." [Team Coco]
• Beyoncé's snakeskin/iguana/leather butt doily sartorial extravaganza during the Super Bowl has angered PETA. And also probably that snake, that iguana and that cow. [NME]
• David Beckham was almost naked for H&M, and for you and me. [Express]
• The ship steward who claimed John Travolta tried to get a rub-and-tug on the high seas has dropped his case. [NYDN]
• Oh, okay. Charlie Sheen now blames his 2011 meltdown on "too much testosterone cream," which totally sounds like a euphemism Charlie Sheen would use for the contents of his seminal vesicles. But come on, guys, it was cocaine. [SF Gate]
• Kim Kardashian, who was vocally anti-gun on Twitter after the Sandy Hook massacre, posted a diamond gun to Instagram and everybody flipped the fuck out as if she was a Serious Person who should not flip-flop on The Important Issues instead of a person who designed the motherfucking "Kardashian Kollection." [ABC News]
• Speaking of which, Kylie and Kendall Jenner say they don't want to be Kardashians. [Us Weekly]
• Britney Spears is heading to Vegas but won't make that much dolla$. (In celebrity terms, not like "normal person" terms.) [Daily Mail]
• Supposedly the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever sucks wicked taintballs, but sipping on a themed cocktail almost makes the plane ticket worthwhile. [Daily Mail]
• In a twist that absolutely does not surprise my seventh grade numbly-watching-a-Laguna Beach-marathon-in-Erin Higgins'-basement self, Kristen Cavillari's fiancee proposed to her over text message. [Sowetan Live]
• Sandra Bullock's son Louis and Matthew McConaughey's kids Levi and Vida played together at the zoo. [Us Weekly]
• Michelle Williams had no idea that Jason Segel was anything other than a tall, random, un-famous Muggle when they started dating. [Too Fab]
• The One Where Courteney Cox and Matthew Perry Reunite On That Show Go On That Nobody Really Watches, Right? [Us Weekly]
• Speaking of Thailand! A sketch about three guys learning some choice Thai phrases via Rosetta Stone ("How much," "Is that for the whole night," "Ping-pong ball") has pissed off Thailand's governmental officials. [Page Six]
• Does everyone just Photoshop Demi Lovato's cute freckles out? [World of Wonder]
• Actual thing that happened and also a good story kickoff idea for, say, George Saunders: Justin Bieber passionately made out with a mannequin head. [Radar Online]
• Madonna auctioned off the gear and costumes from her ill-fated MDNA tour for Sandy relief. [Page Six]
• It's still so weird that Kristin Chenoweth and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka are dating. Just saying. Weird. [Page Six]
• Awesome vintage pics of Zsa Zsa Gabor just 'cuz. [TIME]
• Uncle Luke wrote an open letter to Rick Ross that warns him to calm down lest he end up like Biggie. [The Life Files]

Lindsay Lohan has moved back into her teenage bedroom on Long Island with mom/"cool mom"/party friend Dina because Thomas Wolfe was wrong: you CAN go home again. Supposedly she's returned home to help pay the mortgage on the Lohan family abode (although she herself is strapped for cash, so I don't really see how that'll work unless she gets some more quick money from dates with princes). A source says she's been crashing there for at least three months now, unable to keep up with her own $8,000-a-month Beverly Hills rent.

Says a source, "Dina has been trying to get her to move home for years so she can keep a close eye on her. She didn't want her in L.A. anymore. Not only is she in New York now, she's in the next room." Also: "Dina's working on a book at home. A Parent Trapped is the working title. She says it's about surviving domestic abuse. She's shopping it around now."

To be fair, when LiLo was asked what's been keeping her sane through all the hullabaloo, her surprising and rather sad response was: "Family. Family is everything." :-| [NYDN, E!]

I must say, there is a soft spot in the cockles of my heart for Demi Lovato, who sought help back in 2010 for depression, bulimia and self-harm and seems much better these days, although she admitted that she wasn't quite ready to join the judging panel on The X-Factor when she did.

She told UK's Cosmo On Campus that a better handle on romantic relationships have flourished alongside her health. "I'm in a place where I can finally trust and love and be a better person for the man I am in a relationship with, instead of being a clingy girlfriend or getting jealous. It is very unhealthy when girls devote all of their time to a guy and forget their friends and family. I did that. I was always looking for distractions because I was so afraid of being alone." [Us Weekly]

It's not really surprising that, in certain ways, Taylor Swift is kind of a Rules girl. She's currently doling out tough love to her buddy Selena Gomez in order to help her get over the Justin Bieber breakup, encouraging Gomez to go cold turkey on El Beebo, a source says:

"Taylor is very spiritual and superstitious and believes in the saying, ‘It takes half the time of a relationship you had with someone to get over the relationship you had with that person.' If Taylor can speed things up a little bit by being there for Selena and showing her the fun she can have, then she will gladly do it."

Oh, and if you saw anything out there about a Taylor Swift/Harry Styles sex-drenched iPhone hack leak, it's spam. But that's cool, soon we'll learn everything about them from the next T-Swizzle album. [Today, Showbiz Spy]

Ellie Kemper, best known as The Office's Erin and Bridesmaids' virtuous newlywed Becca ("He'll only have sex with me in the dark, after we've showered, separately, and by the time we're done cleaning ourselves he says he's too tired, and I say I am too, but I'm not tired, I'm not tired") is getting her own NBC pilot called Brenda Forever. "stories from Brenda Miller's past and present are interwoven to give a unique portrait of how a chubby, awkward, but incredibly confident 13-year-old grew up to be a 31-year-old woman who still marches to the beat of her own drum." Yay! [Vulture]

Next year Simon Cowell will host a show called Food, Glorious Food on Fox, adapted from the UK version. I don't know how I feel about his deep-V-neck-clad-chest so close to my fucking fondue but whatevs. [Radar Online]

• Jessica Simpson and her second baby bump will change your life. JK. [TMZ]
• One of the dudes who supposedly waxed floors with Chris Brown as part of Breezy's community service might or might not stick up for him amidst rumors that he faked the service record. [TMZ]
• Josh Duhamel burned his hand on Julianne Hough's curling iron during Safe Haven filming. [Contact Music]
• Lucy Lawless was given 120 hours of community service and a fine for protesting against an oil spill. [TIME]
• Jay-Z signed Kylie Minogue to his Roc Nation label. [MTV]
• Sly Stallone quits Twitter, the world mourns. (But not really.) [Express]
• One Direction denies rumors that their fellow McNugget Zayn Malik is leaving the group. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz totally got on a private jet to go on a GIRLS' GETAWAY, but don't you feel like Cammie will do it right (tequila) and Gwynnie will do it wrong (seaweed crackers and holier-than-thou attitude)? [E!]
• Reality can occasionally present a joke worthy of Zoolander: Kate Moss spent about $120,000 on a painting. Of herself. [Sky News AU]
• Bryan Cranston and Elizabeth Olsen may join Aaron Johnson in the Godzilla remake. [THR]
• Heeeere is the album art and track list for Justin Timberlake's highly-anticipated new album The 20/20 Experience, featuring that clunky eye thing you look into at the opthamologist's. [Vulture]
• Anne Hathaway wore a beautiful pink satin dress at a Paris Les Mis screening. [Daily Mail]
• Madame Tussaud's outdid itself on these Whitney Houston wax figures. [People]
• Oh my fuck. Lil Kim. [Us Weekly]
• Snoop Lion was blowing some pot smoke into girls' mouths and Julia Stiles got into the DJ booth with him, is all I'm saying. (TEE-HEE, THE GIRL FROM TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU GOT BAAAAAKED). [Page Six]
• Lena Dunham said that if she has to kill off a Girls character, it'd be Shoshanna/Zosia Mamet. [Page Six]
• Cosmo is searching for a male heartthrob to recreate the 1972 nude Burt Reynolds centerfold (among their candidates are Hugh Jackman, Bradley Cooper and Daniel Craig). Nothin' wrong with that. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Aniston is in a very blonde wig. [NYDN]
• Ron Jeremy took a cheery photo from his hospital bed with a nurse. (Family friendly!) [NYDN]
• Robin Roberts' Good Morning America return date is officially Feb. 20! [USA Today]
• While Brandi Glanville has been raving about Eddie Cibrian's infidelity and eventual marriage to former mistress LeAnn Rimes for years, it turns out that Glanville cheated on Cibrian before he cheated on her with Rimes. Prognosis: Nobody's good, everything's terrible. [Page Six]

Unfortunately for, uh, all citizens of Earth, the Girls reality show is apparently underway: ABC has picked it up and already chosen a star, a 25-year-old publicist named Hailey Glassman whose achievements include, hand to God, dating Jon Gosselin and being on an episode of My Life is A Lifetime Movie. She's also oranger than motherfucking Zoe the Sesame Street muppet.

"They've already cast Hailey because she sort of epitomizes the mid-to-upper class 20-something trying to make it in New York City," says the source. ALL WRONG. Most of the girls I know in this demo dated Bob Duggar and were on an episode of Extreme Couponing. And they're fuschia. Get it right. [Radar Online]

Allison Williams says whenever her NBD just totally normal anonymous dad Brian Williams meets one of her Girls sex scene partners, he slaps them on the back and says "That was hilarious!" BriWi! <3 [NYDN]

Amanda Bynes posted a photo of Jay-Z to her Twitter with the caption "ugly face," apropos of absolutely nothing (which is admittedly the Amanda Bynes way), and deleted it shortly after. In fact, she massively wiped her Tweets, leaving only 13 nuggets of 140-char-or-less genius for us to parse. Somewhere, bagpipe taps are playing. Oh, and I'm sure Jay-Z is whining about trolls to Beyoncé as they eat 14-karat gold-flecked Eggs Benedict in bed right now. [Daily Mail]

Bizarro friends Lindsay Lohan and Woody Allen reunited at the amfAR New York Gala last night to support HIV/AIDS research, to which she was not officially invited but appeared on the arm of Saudi oil heir and film producer Mohammed Al Turki. Much was made of Allen and Lohan's dinner "meeting" back in May (Allen: "I met her at a party and we got together for dinner, but I would not hesitate for a second to use her if I had a role that was good for her because she's an extremely talented girl.") And charming, too:

After the event, Lohan changed clothes and headed to SL nightclub around midnight with Turki, but was turned away at the door after she was spotted screaming outside, "Where is my fur coat!"

[Page Six, NYDN]

Sturgess plays a gifted shoe designer forced to break free from a family who wants to turn his designs into mass-produced knock-offs. The family hires psychotherapist Mary Kay (Banks) and muse Delphi (Stewart) to lure him back to work.

[Deadline]

• James Cromwell was arrested for protesting against cat cruelty at University of Wisconson Madison, which PETA claims annually "starved, deafened, and decapitated for brain research that hasn't accomplished its goals of improving human hearing." [TMZ]
• Rick Ross laughs in the face of danger. Ha ha ha ha! But srsly, be careful, Rick Ross. :-0 [TMZ]
• As it turns out, the swatting prank on Ashton Kutcher's L.A. home was perpetrated by a 12-year-old boy. At least it's an even intellectual playing field. [TMZ]
• In just-released archived interviews, Alfred Hitchcock said that Psycho was meant to be a comedy. (The remake WAS an unintentional comedy.) [Telegraph UK]
• Rooney Mara, a true purist, wore a strawberry blonde merkin for her nude scenes in Girl With The Dragon Tattoo because Lisbeth Salander was originally a redhead. [Crushable]
• Anna Faris will star in Ellen Page's directorial debut, Miss Stevens, about a teacher who accompanies her students on a drama competition (alternate title: Miss Stevens Just Spent An Entire Three Fucking Hour Coach Bus Trip Listening To Extra-Loud Simultaneous Renditions of "Take Me Or Leave Me" From RENT So Do You Have Any Excedrin?) [Deadline]
• Adele makes $65,000 a day. And you totally still think she'd be a fun, down-to-earth person to get brunch with, right? I do. It's truly a modern marvel. [Toronto Sun]
• The first paparazzi photo of Anna Paquin's baby concretely proves that it is a baby. Case dismissed. *Insert gavel noise here.* [Us Weekly]
• Cissy Houston thinks the fact that Clive Davis invited her to his annual pre-Grammy party—right before which, one year ago, her daughter Whitney Houston passed away—is "obscene." Davis is planning the evening as a tribute to Whitney. [Us Weekly]
• How awkward do you guys think this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Mark Anthony and Casper Smart was to take, like on a scale of 1 to Todd Solondz scene? [Us Weekly]
• "I was just a jerk," says John Mayer, which is totally breaking news that ~*~*noooobody*~*~ knew about, just like how America seceded from England and water is wet. [People]
• Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer saw each other across a crowded restaurant and bro-hugged. I smell a middlebrow USA Network comedy called Spitz On Weiner. [Page Six]
• Bill collectors and foreclosure officers are hounding the Lohan home on Long Island, where Lindsay just moved back in. [NYDN]
• Okay, so apparently Leighton Meester's ex-boyfriend Sebastian Stan and his new girlfriend Mae Whitman (Ann on Arrested Development) were judges on a Food Network show. A friend of Jezebel night editor Laura Beck was in attendance, and she heard Stan going on and on about Leighton and Whitman being annoyed. This is mostly notable because who, Egg?
• Tori Spelling's car broke down and she Instagrammed a scowling picture of herself and the kids on the side of the road, so go ahead and add that super-important intel to the cacophony of your brain! [NYDN]