Scottish folds first became known to most of America after Taylor Swift's myriad Instagram photos of her kitten, Meredith. While the kitten in this video doesn't belong to America's pop unicorn, it does adamantly (adorably) poke her owner until she receives the lavish affection that she thinks she deserves. We could all take a lesson from this cat's gumption.

A study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology, one of the first of its kind, has used the Internet to take plastic surgery websites' descriptions of hymenoplasty and similar procedures in the U.S. and the U.K. to task for their lack of clarity and... well, their scare tactics. Of the ten websites studied, vaginoplasty was recommended for a "sleeker," "more appealing" labia, and three mentioned that the surgery could improve an overall negative feeling towards the vagina (which they term "pudendal disgust") Hymenoplasty was to ensure "that you bleed on your wedding night and keep your head high." Some employ cutesy terms for the procedures that sound like a boozy mid-afternoon facial deal you get while your kid's at day care, e.g. "Wonder Woman" or "Mommy Makeover."

As for the risks and success rates, all ten mentioned risks but four didn't mention specifics and only one referred to "botched" procedures. Meanwhile, only two of the sites denoted their high success rates (95% to 100%), but didn't mention what specifically constitutes success. (Perhaps just "not botched"?) Furthermore, none of the websites provide a minimum age limit for the surgery, which particularly disturbed the authors of the study given that anatomy changes as women advance in age. But this all amounts to a hill of beans when compared with Your Disgusting Fucking Pudendum, You Guys!!!

"This report highlights significant gaps in the breadth, depth, accuracy and quality of clinical information given by some service providers of female genital cosmetic surgery…and highlights a certain degree of distortion to the information provided by medical practitioners in an area that is imbued with value judgement."

A Florida plastic surgery office called Strax Rejuvenation has come under scrutiny before for racking up three deaths since 2008, so obviously it's a fantastic place to get "designer laser vaginoplasty," more or less a facelift for the vulva/vagina. Or a hymenoplasty, a so-called revirginization procedure favored by, say, religious women who can't otherwise receive a certificate of their virginity for marriage purposes.

'Poor, often inaccurate web info on ‘designer vagina' procedures' [Science Blog]
"Designer Vagina" Procedures Often Misleading and Poorly Described, New Study Says' [Broward Palm Beach Times]

Image via Jochen Schoenfeld/Shutterstock

Just more proof that life isn't fair: of all the toxic asshole moms you know—maybe yours is one of them!—the Cannibal Cop has unconditional, staunch maternal love. 25-year-old NYPD officer and would-be cannibal Gilberto Valle, who was arrested by the FBI in late October for his extensive online plans to kill, cook and consume various women, was denied bail for a third time on Wednesday after prosecutors read a particularly grisly Thanksgiving-related nugget of the incriminating transcript aloud (related to abducting a woman in order to procure some holiday "girl meat").

But Valle's mother Elizabeth, who hasn't seen him since his October 4th arrest, is speaking out against the charges, which she refers to as "Internet chatter," citing semantics:

"Look it up in the dictionary, the true meaning of ‘cannibal' is that he ate human meat," said Elizabeth Valle, 57. "He hasn't eaten a human being!"

"This is a parent's worst nightmare from one day to the next, and no one seems to care," she said. "If I had money to hire a good defense team, my son would be out by now."

"My son is sitting in solitary," she said. "I haven't seen my son. I haven't spoken to my son! Do you think that's fair?"

I could make a "care package" joke, but that seems in bad taste. Valle adds that she recently got a new job and is terrified that she'll be fired because of her son's reputation.

"This horrible story comes out and then the media runs with it," she said. "The whole world thinks my son eats people!"

She also mentions his care for Dudley, his dog, when she offered to watch him:

"I'd call him to bring the dog over. He'd say ‘Ma, he's still sleeping, I don't want to wake him up...' Does that sound like a freaking person who would harm anybody? He wouldn't even wake up the dog!"

Yeesh. A mother's love, guys.

'Mother of cop Gilberto Valle, accused of plotting to cook and eat women, says her son is no cannibal' [NYDN]

Steven Naismith of Everton clashes with Javier Garrido of Norwich City during the Barclays Premier League match between Everton and Norwich City at Goodison Park on November 24, 2012 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)

Rumors began in September that Monica Lewinsky, now 39, would be penning a $12 million tell-all about the almost 20-year-old affair (!) with President Clinton—which began, famously, when she was just a 22-year-old intern—but we tend to forget there was already a book about the infamous affair, the Starr report and the trial. Monica's Story was written in 1999 by schlock biographer Andrew Morton, best known for the equally-pulpy Diana: Her True Story, after having a number of conversations with Lewinsky and doing his own research.

Lewinsky is now supposedly writing her own version that will include all manner of graphic details ("Bill went on and on about his insatiable desire for three-way sex, orgies and the use of sex toys of all kinds") omitted from the soft-focus, corny 1998 Morton biography. But first, some highlights from that tome of great literature.

I.

Tori Spelling, a nine-year-old classmate at her Bel Air private school, invited everyone except Monica to her birthday party, which featured:

pop superstar Michael Jackson and the world's smallest pony.

A few days after her parents divorced:

on October 1st, Los Angeles was rocked by an earthquake which left six dead and a hundred injured. To Monica, it seemed as though nature itself was mirroring her life. "It was symbolic," she says.

That whole Hugo Boss ties-as-gift thing?

in her mind's eye Monica saw a tie that was "classy and presidential," yet one that was "young, a little kicky, with pizzazz"

It has a genesis.

She [worked] at a tie store called the Knot Shop to pay off a loan on the Jeep her mother had leased when she was in high school.

She wrote emo poetry.

One of her poems, called The War of Emotions, gives an insight into the turmoil of her adolescent soul.

I crouch in a corner all by myself fighting the war of emotions,
Battling against FEAR, ENVY, DEPRESSION and REJECTION,
I struggle.

I am trying to survive but they tug and yank me.
The more they pull, the weaker I become.
I hope and pray for my survival.

Like many teens who write emo poetry:

She put her expressive nature to good use when she won a talent show singing "On My Own" from Les Miserables.

Bill Clinton wasn't her first affair with a married man. Related: College drama departments have had/will always have a rich history of creepy, inappropriate faculty.

The newly married drama technician continued to flatter and flirt with her, on one occasion asking her to leave his panties for him. […] It was not until December 1992 that they became lovers [and this is how] Monica lost her virginity to a man whose wife had recently become pregnant. A few years later, during a conversation about teenage sex, she told the President she was glad she had waited because she was much more familiar with her body's responses. He said that he, too, had been a late starter.

For [the drama technician's] birthday party, which was held at the school, Monica organized a surprise cake in the shape of an iguana, his favorite reptile. Later, they had sex in the light booth of the auditorium.

Later, Clinton weighs in on this douche nozzle:

"He's such a jerk."

II.

Miscellaneous Clinton nuggets, in no particular order:

As he moved off, his arm, casually but unnecessarily, brushed against her breast.

She decided to wear a new sage-green suit her mother had bought her from J. Crew.

She was standing with her back to the office door, and when he returned, she put her hands on her hips and with her thumbs lifted the back of her jacket, allowing him a fleeting glimpse of her thong underwear.

She told him she had this vision of them together as 'Little Bill and Little Monica,' walking hand-in-hand in the sunlight.

Monica: "People have made it seem so demeaning for me, but it wasn't, it was exciting, and the irony is that I had the first orgasm of the relationship."

Soon, in the intensity of the moment, the encounter had become a good deal more intimate, their clothing unbuttoned, their hands exploring each other.

Clinton: "What kind of a name is Lewinsky, anyway?" Monica: "Jewish."

She shed bitter tears that night.

Monica was always there for him, hoping and yearning, just waiting for him to call.

"My favorite line that reminded me of us and our situation so much was 'I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces."

she was upset when she heard he had been out carousing with actress and singer Barbra Streisand

Over the next few weeks, like blood seeping out from under a closed door, the awful truth began to dawn.

Where Monica was concerned Tripp now scented innocent blood. The older woman, who emerges as the wicked witch in this tragic fairy story, constantly dangled the rosy-skinned apple of romance in front of a trusting and gullible Monica Lewinsky.

he also invariably called her "Kiddo." *

They talked about her combat boots—"Just like Chelsea's," he said.

The President told her that while he liked her as a person, he felt really guilty about their affair. "You know, if I were twenty-five years old and not married, I'd have you on the floor back there in three seconds right now. But you'll understand when you get older."

It was after this encounter, which led inevitably to kissing and sexual caresses during which Monica moistened one of the President's cigars in a most intimate fashion, that she realized that she had fallen in love.

(Tori Spelling's birthday party once again raises its tiniest pony head.)

She angrily refutes suggestions that she was a Presidential "hanger-on" who went to events at the White House and elsewhere uninvited. Correct form matters to Monica-case in point being her decision not to go to Tori Spelling's birthday party because she had not been properly invited.

At the party they enjoyed a secret erotic encounter, for in the crush of people around him she was able to briefly brush his crotch with her hand as he was greeting well-wishers.

The President [was] enthralled, actually sexually aroused, by her excited description of her visit to Bosnia.

She told him that she "cared about him so much" and they hugged. It was then that he agreed to go on with their embrace until, for the first time in their affair, the President found sexual completion in her presence.

during which time they enjoyed brief genital contact "without penetration"

Then he started singing the popular classic "Try A Little Tenderness," looking directly into her eyes during the soulful line "She may be weary."

* Guysssss, she's suuuuch a Carrie!

Call it the revenge of Quinn Morgendorffer: no matter what you end up buying the angsty malcontent in your life for the holidays, a new study has proven that their bad attitude is bound to continue in a vicious cycle. Data collected from 10,000 American teenagers by University College London and the University of Warwick appeared in the journal Proceedings of the National Association of Sciences, which judged the kids' happiness on a scale of one to five, found that those who were happiest as young adults grew up to make about $8,000 more than those who ranked the lowest on the teen happiness scale. Meanwhile, the saddest of the adolescent bunch earned about 10% less than the others. This held true despite all of the other factors researchers took into consideration: IQ, education level, self esteem and height.

Accordingly, when it came to siblings—a good test model due to their identical backgrounds and socioeconomic starting points—the happier brother or sister studied grew up to earn a larger paycheck than their depressed counterparts. Of course, there are more than a few contextual situations that aren't accounted for in the study, e.g. undiagnosed clinical depression (which, given some psychiatrists' hesitation to medicate adolescents, is often held for treatment until the kid's early 20s). Nevertheless, it's an interesting concept, as the question of money and happiness have been tumbling in a timeless "chicken vs. egg" theoretical washer/drier for ages.

'Happy Teens Grow Up to Be Wealthier Too' [Health & Family/TIME]

Much has been made of late about iconic director Alfred Hitchcock's horrible, fear-based treatment of his pet "blondes," like the allegations of sexual harassment leveled against the late Hitchcock by The Birds actress Tippi Hedren. No less than two films came out this year about the director's private life: The Girl, an HBO film starring Sienna Miller as Hedren and Toby Jones as Hitchcock, and Hitchcock, starring Helen Mirren as Hitchcock's wife Alma Reville and Anthony Hopkins (plus copious facial prosthetics) as the polarizing director.

No big surprise that the red-blooded Helen Mirren wouldn't be Hitchcock's type, but Mirren has revealed that she met with him once to discuss starring in his London film Frenzy back when she was a young foreign-film fetishizing whippersnapper and it didn't go too well.

"When I was a very young actress, just starting out, I was sent for an audition - or a meeting with him. I don't think he would have auditioned me; I think he either thought you looked right or you didn't. I was arrogant and ignorant and, at that time, he was just not my kind of film director. I was into Federico Fellini, Pier Paolo Pasolini, Roberto Rossellini; those were the directors I loved. I was, you know, as one is when one is young, just ridiculously self-opinionated."

Yep, it's pretty hard to picture Mirren putting up with Hitchcock throwing live birds in her face for five days until she had a nervous breakdown and basically left the studio system entirely.

"So, I didn't really like him, and I know he didn't like me very much. He certainly didn't cast me. He took one look at me and went, 'Oh, good God. She's going to be a nightmare...' [And] I didn't want to do it because all those roles were horrible anyway.

'Helen Mirren, 'Hitchcock' Star, On Meeting Alfred Hitchcock: 'I Was Arrogant & Ignorant' [HuffPo]

Since the General Synod voted against allowing women to become bishops last week, the decision has become the biggest crisis faced by the Church of England for decades, alleges a piece on the post-vote fallout in UK periodical The Telegraph. Many of the present bishops (notably, the Archbishop of Canterbury, who cited "deep personal sadness" after the decision came in) had pushed to allow women into the high-ranking clergy post. Some had even trained women for the ministry themselves, such as Dr. Steven Croft of South Yorkshire, who is "deeply disappointed" by the ruling.

"I deeply value and cherish their ministries as do the parishes where they serve. Alongside their male colleagues, they serve sacrificially, wholeheartedly, with great skill and dedication."

Since Tuesday, says Dr. Croft, he has spoken with a fair amount of British clergy—specifically, female priests and deacons who feel undermined by the ruling—who are so upset that:

"a significant number have talked of resignation and withdrawal – from their posts, from additional responsibilities, from volunteering, from the life of the Church of England... I can understand those feelings. They will take time to work through.

Croft has been training women for a life in the Church since the inception of female priests in 1992.

As vigils erupt outside Church House, it seems that a major conflict between church and state imminent: Prime Minister David Cameron also told the press that he was "very sad" that the movement had fallen short by a mere six votes, saying: "It's important for the Church of England to be a modern church in touch with society. I am very clear that the time is right for women bishops; it was right many years ago. The church needs to get on with it and get with the program."

Let's all boogie down to "Protestant Reformation: The Dubstep Remix."

'Reputation of Church damaged by decision on women bishops' [Telegraph UK]

We celebrate the thirty-fourth birthday of bad romantic comedy mainstay Katherine Heigl with my personal favorite bit of diva scene-chewing executed by this woman, ever, from a really old episode of Grey's Anatomy. Also features a bedridden, vaguely terrified-looking Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Skip to 1:32 for the histrionic, cry-screaming Real Talk.

That thing called A Chris Brown that crawled out of the bottom of a septic tank in 1989 has deleted his Twitter after a particularly nasty showdown with a comedian named Jenny Johnson, which began like this.

I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person. RT @chrisbrown: I look old as fuck! I'm only 23...

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 25, 2012

Morgan Freeman, God, and Morgan Freeman-as-God all support gay marriage.

• If you wanted to know what Jessica Simpson is eating, you are in luck (and also: get a hobby)? [TMZ]
• Camille Grammar went to court to get an emergency restraining order on Kelsey Grammar. [TMZ]
• Sly Stallone has started painting in an effort to work through his grief about the death of his son Sage. [TV3.ie]
• The Naomi Watts-starring Marilyn Monroe biopic Blonde starts shooting in 2013. [Indiewire]
• Tom Cruise shut down Trafalgar Square for a movie, generally annoyed London. [E!]
• Bey and Gwyneth exchanged Christmas recipes (but the typo of "Goop" as "Gloop" in this article is way more important. [The Sun]
• Lindsay Lohan says that many other actors in her position would have "like, committed suicide." [NDTV]
• Oh, and Charlie Sheen may have paid LiLo's taxes for her, no big deal. [NYDN]
• Jane Fonda maybe called off her third wedding. [National Enquirer]
• Tori Spelling had the nerve to leave her house without any stuff on her face. [Radar Online]
• No! One of my favorites, Allison Janney, lost her house to foreclosure. [Radar Online]
• Gross, Olivier Martinez's Miami restaurant was slapped with 13 health violations. [Female First]
• One of Rebel Wilson's first auditions in the States was for Glee and she didn't get it. Joke's on them. [News.com.au]
• Ashmi went out in Rome with doofy hats on. [People]
• "When I eventually looked in the mirror I just thought I looked like my gay brother." —Anne Hathaway on her (awesome) Les Miserables haircut. [Us Weekly]
• My favorite thing about Miley Cyrus's birthday pig from PETA is that it's rather incongruously named "Nora." [Us Weekly]
• Grandmas are into Ryan Gosling. No surprise there. [Page Six]
• Bill Clinton "looked radiant and fit in a tailored blazer" and drank some wine. [Page Six]
• Apparently Eminem and Will Smith were especially good friends to T.I. during his stint in the clink. [Page Six]
• Bjork had vocal cord surgery but she's OK now. [Miami Herald]
• Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones is selling her house. Want to buy it? [Radar Online]

Jada Pinkett Smith used Facebook to perform an awesome smackdown on people who have been trolling the parental implications of the ever-changing short hairstyle of 12-year-old Willow Smith:

"The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair, first the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don't belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain... It's also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother's deepest insecurities, hopes and desires."

When Will Smith was asked a similar question in May by Parade Magazine, his response was equally wise: "If I teach her that I'm in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she's going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world." Be my parents, Smiths! [NYDN]

American Idol judge has Nicki Minaj accused Idol judges panel alum Steven Tyler of being a big old racist after he said the following about her judging style: "These kids, they just got out of a car from the Midwest somewhere and they're in New York City, they're scared to death; you're not going to get the best [out of them]... If it was Bob Dylan, Nicki Minaj would have had him sent to the cornfield! Whereas, if it was Bob Dylan with us, we would have brought the best of him out, as we did with Phillip Phillips. Just saying."

"Steven Tyler said I would have sent Bob Dylan to a cornfield???" Minaj Tweeted. "I understand you really wanted to keep your job but take that up with the producers. I haven't done anything to you. That's a racist comment."

This continued for a few more Tweets, e.g.:

You assume that I wouldn't have liked Bob Dylan??? why? black? rapper? what? go fuck yourself and worry about yourself babe.

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) November 26, 2012

[MTV News]

The Brangelina brood really wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married already, says Pitt. "I will admit we have had some pressure from our kids. We didn't realise how much it means to them, and in getting engaged, we didn't realize how much it means to ourselves." Although no concrete plans have been made yet, he says that they're "making great strides" in planning the wedding, which means they've at least decided that we are totally not invited. [Entertainmentwise]

Criminally underrated character actress Judy Greer has some nice things to say about her even more obscure Broadway co-star, this woman named Katie Holmes, perhaps you've heard of her? "I've just been impressed by her work ethic... and her ability... to juggle being an awesome mom. I mean, she's always like, ‘I went to Suri's class this morning, I was reading to the first-graders.' And I'm like, ‘I can barely schedule in a workout and getting to rehearsal, and I'm just here by myself in an apartment.'" [Page Six]

And the Holmes family is very glad that Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise/Hollyweird/Xenu and can chill and eat turkey like a normal human being again. [Radar Online]

• Gabriel Aubry went to court to try to lift the ban on seeing his daughter Nahla. [TMZ]
• Mötley Crüe drummer Nikki Sixx is engaged to the future Mrs. Courtney Sixx. [TMZ]
• Lenny Kravitz has been cast as Marvin Gaye in an upcoming biopic. [EW]
• Mitch Winehouse put a stop to a Danish theater production about his daughter Amy. [THR]
• Rihanna's been especially flaky professionally since Chris Brown came back in the picture. [NYDN]
• In case there's been any confusion: Andrew W.K. isn't a cultural ambassador and isn't going to Bahrain. You're very welcome. [ABC News]
• Eep, yet another lawsuit may be around the bend for Kevin Clash. [E!]
• Ashlee Simpson and her boyfriend, Boardwalk Empire actor Vincent Piazza, broke up. [Page Six]
• So did Shia LaBeouf and Karolyn Pho. [Us Weekly]
• But love still exists because, lookit, this is a picture of a vaguely Gaga-styled Scarlett Johansson with her new boyfriend Romain Dauriac. [Us Weekly]
  
• Katy Perry and John Mayer might live in sin in L.A. [The Sun]
• One Direction frets that they're not cool enough to duet with Jay-Z. One Direction is correct. [Hollywood Life]
• People are pissed at Jamie Foxx for calling President Obama "our Lord and savior" at the Soul Train Awards. [Examiner]
• Charlize Theron, hero, is now a buzz-cut brunette. [Us Weekly]
• Amanda Bynes has reappeared on Twitter clad in the fur coat-and-turban combo of an aging heiress in the early 1980s. [Us Weekly]
• Kourtney Kardashian didn't want to sit near Kim's ex Reggie Bush and his pregnant girlfriend at a restaurant. Life is haaaaarrrrrd. [Page Six]
• Demi Moore's daughers urge her to get over Ashmi. [Radar Online]
• Buy Sam's piano from Casablanca do it do it dooooo it. [Yahoo News]

In the immortal words of the classic holiday song: Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but Jessica Simpson is pregnant. It's been seven months and at least 109 headlines since the birth of Maxwell Drew and Simpson's subsequent public struggle to drop the baby weight/become a momshell/shed her human form/whatever everyone's been obsessing about, and now we get to do it all over!

Although Simpson's Twitter remains as silent as Grant's Tomb on the subject of being re-pregnant, the info comes from a source close to Simpson and her husband, former NFL player Eric Johnson, who adds:

"It definitely wasn't planned."

Yaaaaay? More on Jessica Simpson's womb and things that will probably come out of it in Midweek Madness. [Us Weekly]

Demi Moore might, maybe, be dating Vito Schnabel, a 26-year-old art dealer and the son of Julian Schnabel. Their demure, even Austen-esque courtship began on the dance floor at Naomi Campbell's insanely decadent birthday party for her boyfriend in India ("They were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of other guests") and they've apparently been seeing each other since. Take that, Kutcherkunis. (Kutchnis? Kutchnis Everdeen?) [Daily Mail, Page Six]

Melrose Place alum Amy Locane-Bovenizer, who also starred in Crybaby opposite Johnny Depp, was convicted of vehicular homicide in a 2010 drunk driving accident in New Jersey that left a 60-year-old woman dead and her husband injured. She was sentenced to five to ten years in prison. [NYDN]

Kevin Clash's third accuser apparently wrote a 2009 book about their sexual relationship: "Mr. Tickler is what I will call him. And the game we played was father and son." [TMZ]

• Mariah Yeater continues to insist via lawyers that Justin Bieber put a baby in her. [NYDN]
• Chad Kroeger says that working with fiancee Avril Lavigne is "like taking a bazooka to a knife fight," whatever the fuck that means. [Opposing Views]
• Jack Nicholson is selling the plot of land that his burned-down house used to be on. [TMZ]
• Speaking of which, Will Ferrell's house had a minor garage fire on Thanksgiving. [TMZ]
• Gabriel Aubry probably won't go to jail for fighting with Olivier Martinez. [TMZ]
• The only person who could have REALLY understand Chris Brown was Tupac, says Chris Brown. [Zimbio]
• Underneath that dirt and glitter, Ke$ha is a feminist: "If men can talk about drinking in every awesome rock ‘n' roll song and every awesome rap song, why can't a woman? Just because I drink doesn't mean I'm a drunk. Just because I have sex, and I'm not embarrassed doesn't mean I'm a whore." [Celebitchy]
• Brad Pitt told his kids that he might be Santa. :-| [E!]
• Shia LaBeouf might be dating his Nymphomaniac co-star Mia Goth. [Daily Mail]
• Aww, Daniel Craig sent Adele some tiny Tom Ford baby clothes and a mini Aston Martin! [Zee News]
• Marcia Cross sans makeup, world continues to spin, etc. [Us Weekly]
• Drew Barrymore shrouded her baby Olive and left the house for a hot second. [Us Weekly]
• Matt Damon really wanted to work with director David O. Russell: "You're like a wolf, and I'm like Sarah Palin in a helicopter. It's only a matter of time, motherfucker." [Page Six]
• Katy Perry's "secret half sister" is talking to tabloids about their dad now. [Radar Online]

Last night Lindsay Lohan went to a Justin Bieber concert. A few hours later, at around 4 AM, she was arrested for punching a woman in the face in a New York club following brief verbal altercation (LiLo said something to the effect of "Give me my space" before clocking the girl). She and friends attempted to flee the club but were intercepted by cops. As I write this, she's still at the police station being booked for third-degree misdemeanor assault. I submit that it is the very scent of El Beẽbo, an intoxicating olfactory mix of "Girlfriend" and suburban block parties and freshly-folded Baby Gap shirts, that can drive a woman to the brink of madness. [TMZ, Contact Music]

While said throwdown was occurring, the B33bs and Selena Gomez were across town engaging in "heavy PDA," chilling by the fire while they ate fondue, etc. [Page Six]

Hope Solo's husband Jerramy Stevens has been taken into custody after violating his probation from a weed possession arrest back in 2010. Tampa cops say that the violation occurred November 12th, the night that Stevens was accused of domestic violence against Solo after a skirmish with her and eight others at a party. He was later released due to lack of evidence. Solo continues to stand by him. [The Hollywood Gossip]

Judging by some tweets, it seems that Bobbi Kristina has ended her engagement to brotherhusband/futuresexlovesounds Nick Gordon. Him: "@REALbkBrown and I are not engaged or dating. Just close like we have always been." Her: I guess it's time 4me2stop depending on anymore. It's my time2follow what Mom&The Lord put out on this path for me.#Thankful. Mom xxo." Bobbi Kristina also got into yet another car accident yesterday in Georgia. [NYDN]

Holy shit. Jared Leto. Holy shit. (He's "starving himself" to prepare for his role as an HIV-positive patient in The Dallas Buyers Club. Someone please get him and Matthew McConaughey some macaroni and cheese.) [Fashion & Style]

• Ewan McGregor is down to reprise his role as Obi-Wan Kenobi. [TMZ]
• Kelsey Grammer and wife Kayte Walsh are once again in trouble for dangling their baby from an airplane not strapping their baby into a car seat. [Express]
• Former Mr. Madonna Guy Ritchie and his fiancée Who The Fuck Cares had a kid. [Daily Mail]
• Meanwhile, Madge's pointy bra from her Blonde Ambition tour, designed by Jean Paul Gaultier, will be on display at the Brooklyn Museum. [NYDN]
• "I am the last thing on this planet as far as being a racist." —Steven Tyler's awkwardly-worded apology to Nicki Minaj for yesterday's general dumbassery about his use of the word "cornfield." [NYDN]
• Mel Gibson, who really really wants you to like him again, bought American Girl Dolls for two 11-year-old girls from Honduras who had undergone facial reconstructive surgery, and did I mentioned he really really wants you to like him again? [TMZ]
• Mary J. Blige and her husband are being sued for defaulting on a $2.2 million bank loan. [Reuters]
• Lisa Robin Kelly of That '70s Show was arrested for a domestic dispute with her husband. [NYDN]
• T. Boz and Chilli of TLC will cameo in their own biopic (it just started casting). [Digital Spy]
• This just in from Donald Trump, idiot.

  Gabriel Aubry should learn how to fight—he became a punching bag. Always drama with Halle B!

  — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 28, 2012

• To my utter dismay, Rider Strong has no involvement with the Boy Meets World revival. Sucks! He was so good at tossing his bowl cut and yelling "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER." [The Hollywood Gossip]
• That show where Mamie Gummer stars as An Emotional Young Female Doctor Whose Personal Life As A Woman Is Like, Totally A Mess has been cancelled right quick. Which is shocking, because what a refreshing new trope that is! [Vulture]
• The Kardashians Photoshop themselves together on their Christmas cards. [People]
• Katy Perry relies on Spanx. [Us Weekly]
• Judge Judy is a grandma for the 12th time! My verdict: Poopy diapers! CASE DISMISSED. [Page Six]
• After her notorious Halloween bash was cancelled due to Sandy, Heidi Klum's soiree will happen on Saturday, albeit belated (and all proceeds will go to Red Cross). [Page Six]
• Wait, I really like this: Bobby Cannavale and Rose Byrne are apparently hooking up. Sexy and likeable! [NYDN]
• K8 Middleton really isn't sure about her bangs. [NYDN]
• Someone get Simon Cowell a penguin. [Contact Music]
• Something about Jason Patric's sperm, weird-sounding custody battle. [TMZ]

Some ludicrous story in the Globe says that the bright, sparkling English promise that is Kate Middleton's possibly-occupied womb has sent Camilla Parker Bowles straight to the bottle; she was reportedly sent to dry up in a 7-day detox retreat in Bangalore, India. Camilla and Prince Charles (the latter who has repeatedly attempted to "sabotage" Kate) are concerned that Queen Elizabeth will make Prince William the king rather than Charles if K8 produces an heir—with the help of IVF treatments from the royal gynecologist—and all of the days in the Pride Lands will be dark indeed until Simba comes back to vanquish Scar. And don't go to the Elephant Graveyard, OK? That shit is haunted as fuck.

The part about the royal gynecologist is real, though. :DDDDDDDD [Celebrity Dirty Laundry]

Country singer Trace Adkins is facing criticism on The Twitter for wearing a confederate flag earpiece for his performance at the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. He hasn't responded yet, but he'll almost certainly cite plain Southern pride over, you know, being a big fan of slavery (in his autobiography, A Personal Stand, Adkins refers to the Civil War as "The War Against Northern Aggression"). [NYDN]

Yup, he apologized, and that's how it went:

"As a proud American I object to oppression of any kind. To me, the battle flag represents remembrance of my Southern lineage-I am a descendant of Confederate soldiers who followed that flag into battle. I advocate for the preservation of America's battlefields and honest conversation about our Country's history. To those who view the flag as a symbol of racism, that was not my message and I did not intend offense."

[E!]

No news here, but Michael Lohan is a bad parent. "Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children." [Radar Online]

Oh good! I guess Lindsay Lohan has been drinking two liters of vodka a day. [TMZ]

But she definitely was sober that night, protests her (probably exhausted, emotional wreck of a) lawyer. [Us Weekly]

And she may have gotten into that nightclub fight over Max George from the band The Wanted, who I'm sure is totally worth it. [Gossip Cop]

Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Diddy started busting Scott Disick's balls at a party in Miami, calling him the "little dude." Instead of shoving a pen into their necks like Joe Pesci in a Scorsese movie, he spent $15,000 on drinks for all of them and got a bunch of girls to come to the table. Which, ironically, is just the sort of overcompensating a "little dude" would do. NYDN]

Kanye West will testify in Kim Kardashian's neverending divorce case. [LA Times]

Rihanna Instagrammed a cutesy photo of herself and Chris Brown, in case any of us were still wondering about that.

Dodai: WHO TOOK IT
Dodai: does she go "take a pic of me hugging him and make sure most of the pic is my ass"? [Bossip]

• Francesca Eastwood has been awarded with the annual pointless title of Miss Golden Globes 2013. [E!]
• "'I cannot tell you how embarrassing [Sacha Baron Cohen] is in social situations. To him, there's no difference between the awkward gaffes he deliberately makes as a comic, and the terrible faux pas he innocently commits as my husband.'' —Look, Isla Fisher, I like you a lot, but you married Borat. You walked into this with your eyes open. [Contact Music]
• Vaguely Falstaffian French treasure Gerard Depardieu once again got drunk and acted like a doofus in public. [TMZ]
• Bradley Cooper's mom wants him to settle down with me. I mean, with Zoe Saldana. [NDTV]
• Jude Law says he's relieved to no longer be a "young pretty thing." (Now he's a slightly older pretty thing.) [News.com.au]
• Last year Gabby Douglas almost quit gymnastics to work at Chick-fil-A! So glad she did not do that. [People]
• MOST IMPORTANT NEWS: One of Miley Cyrus's dogs looks like a rat. [People]
• Meryl Streep "rocked out" to a Jason Derulo song at Cipriani. [People]
• Today's headline winner: "Jamie Oliver Made Gwyneth Paltrow Eat a Burger on a Roller Coaster." [Us Weekly]
• Megan Fox and her husband and their kid left their house, walked around. [Us Weekly]
• Jessica Simpson also used her legs, to walk around. [Us Weekly]
• Claire Danes and Lena Dunham are hanging out now. [Page Six]
• Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez blew off a family dinner to go play some arcade games. [Page Six]
• Bono and The Edge are writing some more songs for the Broadway alligator fuckhouse that is Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark. [Page Six]
• Hey, Dolly Parton, why do you get plastic surgery? "Because I need it... Because I am in show business. I am not a natural beauty. And I am on camera all the time. And I just always see, like if I need - Oh take one of my chins off, at least! - Or whatever. I mean, I don't go to extremes with it. I just do little bits and pieces, just to try and keep things touched up, just tweaking." I don't even care, I fucking love her. [Yahoo News]

As if Lindsay Lohan smacking a woman at a nightclub after a Justin Bieber concert over some dude from a band called The Wanted didn't already sound like a demented Canterbury Tale written in glitter pen ("Lindsay got drunker and drunker… and it turned Max [George] off"), there is now a whole new dimension of absurdity. The woman LiLo punched, one Tiffany Mitchell, is a "well-known psychic" who offered to give her a reading. Mitchell now adds that she "had a premonition about Lohan" (that she'd get drunk? Get arrested? If so, then oh my God, we are all psychic) before the altercation took place. LiLo turned down the offer and told Mitchell to "give her space," at which point it seems that the dude from The Wanted started talking to Mitchell. That was the first strike.

Lohan ended up accusing Mitchell and her husband of stealing her sister Ali's purse, which contained $10,000 in cash that Lindsay had just given her (?!) because they are "fucking gypsies," and that is a thing that "fucking gypsies." do. In response, Mitchell called LiLo a "whore" and said Liz & Dick sucked, and Lindsay hit her, and we know the rest. Later, Mitchell's husband clarified to TMZ: "We are not gypsies." So there. [A.V. Club, TMZ, Page Six]

At the police station, "She was crying and kept asking, ‘Why does this happen to me? This is a setup! I don't deserve this... It's not my fault!'" [Page Six]

Mike Tyson dubiously weighs in on LiLo in conversation with Piers Morgan: "She's not as bad as I was, but she's catching up." [CNN]

Get ready: Danielle Fishel as Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor on The Soup. Bam. [People]

• Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are expecting their second kid (Harvey's fifth). [Hollywood.com]
• Tina Fey's little daughter Alice played a young Liz Lemon to the tee on 30 Rock. [People]
• Miley Cyrus' brother, 18-year-old model Braison, looks a hell of a lot like Miley Cyrus. Genetics at work! [Us Weekly]
• Dennis Quaid—you know, the Quaid your mom probably wants to fuck—has filed for divorce from his wife Kimberly. Go tell your mom! [TMZ]
• Hayden Panettiere may have run a red light right before her Nashville car accident earlier this month. [TMZ]
• Kristen Chenoweth might be dating former Bachelor Jake Pavelka. [TMZ]
• I KNOW you care about Joe Jonas' new girlfriend, Blanda Eggenschwiler. [Pop Crush]
• Stevie Wonder called off an IDF charity concert after the UN (for whom he serves as a Messenger of Peace) recommended he stay out of the worsening Israel-Palestine conflict. [HuffPo]
• Stephen Baldwin empathizes with the plight of evangelical half-man Angus T. Jones, saying his (Baldwin's) own Christian faith destroyed his career. [SFGate]
• "One thing people often want me to talk about is my public love life. When it comes to my love life, the perception seems as though I am a player. But that's not true. Love is something I am still learning. It's just an obstacle that I haven't yet mastered. I think that's my biggest hurdle in life." —Chris Brown. [Bossip]
• Jessica Biel thinks the word "husband" is "weird and wonderful." [People]
• Lady Gaga is in Africa.
  

  SAFARI PICTURE: in this photo I'm about 10 feet from 13 lions, 2 cubs. I spent about 30 minutes w them and took a nap! twitter.com/ladygaga/statu…

  — Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) November 30, 2012

Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (C) takes part in a day of activities and festivities to mark the occasion of St Andrew's Day at St Andrew's School on November 30, 2012 in Pangbourne, Berkshire, England. The Duchess visited the Pre-Prep School for under-5s, unveiled a plaque to officially open a new artificial turf playing field and met members of the school's hockey team, which she played for during her time as a pupil at the school (1986-1995). The Duchess also toured the school privately and watched the school's Progressive Games which are traditional games played indoors by teachers and students on St. Andrew's Day. (Photo by Arthur Edwards - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

When the needle on this record player catches the cat's eye, it accidentally creates the most bomb-ass and avant-garde scratch remix of Bob Marley songs ever produced by a DJ of any species. And then it helplessly spins around on top of the record for a minute as its owner laughs at it. A++

[Tastefully Offensive]

As far as I'm concerned, making a porn parody of 50 Shades of Grey seems kind of redundant (wouldn't you rather see something unexpected like Good Night and Good Fuck or Black Hawk Pants Down or I'm Argo-ing To Come All Over You?) but happened nevertheless: 50 Shades of Grey: The XXX Adaptation. And although the terrible acting—like, terrible—cheap sets, and weird music hardly pose a threat to the upcoming big-budget Hollywood adaptation of the E.L. James novel, Universal Studios is suing the adult film company Smash Pictures for copyright infringement anyway.

The lawsuit claims that the porn adaptation cribbed "exact dialogue, characters, events, story and style from the Fifty Shades trilogy... The first XXX adaptation is not a parody, and it does not comment on, criticize, or ridicule the originals. It is a rip-off, plain and simple." Universal and James hope to shut down Smash Pictures' productions of the next two books as well as the sex toy kit they planned to market along with them.

Now, legal repercussions aside, any film auteur worth his salt knows that when making a film based on a classic Great Novel of Our Time like 50 Shades of Grey, it's important to add his own touches and twists rather than try to create a pale echo of the original. (Just look at Anna Karenina!) Instead, they just stole all the "arghs!" and hoped for the best. I hope Kelly Marcel can do better.

'Universal sues porn company over XXX '50 Shades of Grey' adaptation' [NY Post]

It looks like there's at least one positive side effect of the summer's exposé of the sexual assault and harassment of 48 female trainees at Lackland Air Force Base—that attention's being drawn to the myriad problems and legal loopholes in the U.S. armed forces when it comes to the well-being of their female troops. Back in October, three congresswomen (Loretta Sanchez, Susan Davis, and Jackie Speier) got together to do some policymaking/spackling on this particularly shitty, asbestos-covered old wall of America.

Now, another small victory: although the policy of banning perpetrators of sexual assault from the U.S. began in 2009 with an administrative sanction from Defense Secretary Robert Gates, today Senator Barbara Boxer announced that the Senate had unanimously voted yes on her amendment to keep the decision from ever being reversed. Specifically, to stop the armed forces from granting waivers to military candidates with a sex crime on their record, which was the scary pre-2009 policy until a report from the Army noted that service members with waivers were more likely to commit a felony sex crime on active duty than those without waivers. Fucking duh.

3,192 incidents of military sexual assault were reported in 2011, but the Department of Defense estimates that the number of unreported crimes might actually place the rate up around 19,000. Senator Boxer announced the news as such: "We owe it to our brave service members to do everything we can to protect them from sexual assault... The Senate's action today will strengthen the military's zero tolerance policy for these heinous acts of violence by permanently banning those convicted of felony sexual assault from serving in our military."

'Senate Passes Boxer Amendment to Keep Sex Offenders Out of the Military' [Official website of U.S. Sen. Barbara Boxer]

Today in gendered toys, we learn that juggling (or its later-in-life equivalent: hackey sack) is a male pursuit, while knitting (or its later-in-life equivalent: knitting scarves for Male Life Mate and the three beautiful Post-Uteran Flowers that you two have together, who—heteronormatively!—frolic in the backyard while you knit one, purl two) is for the girls. Courtesy of Twitter user @sandblowerliz.

The sad thing is that a lot of the other products from Seedling, a New Zealand toy company for kids, look kind of neat and gender-neutral. Or at least don't have those aggressive labels. Then again, PHEW, because without those labels, you really could have fucked up your kid by giving her some beanbags, am I right??