While Adele is OK with her weight, occasionally the Internet is not. "I read a comment on YouTube that I thought would upset me — ‘Test pilot for pies' — but I've always been fine with it. I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life, which it doesn't." Shit, yes. You can't help but wonder what Adele's reaction would be to Lady Gaga bringing her weight up in that sort of—can I say it?—well, sorta whiny way in response to her own weight-shaming by the media ("Adele is bigger than me — how come nobody says anything about it?" asked Gaga, then going on to praise Adele's confidence). Naturally, Adele's too classy to respond to that a public forum. She's so classy we don't even know her kid's name.

Also: Really? "Test pilot for pies"? Way to go on that burn, you dumb troll. [The Sun]

• Donated 1,000 sleeping bags to Sandy victims, will hold a hurricane fundraiser party for her new album at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club. [NYDN]
• Said that choosing to duet on "Nobodies Business" with Chris Brown is nobody's business. [Digital Spy]
• Played grab-ass with a Victoria's Secret model on the runway. [Us Weekly]

  ---

  Kristen Stewart would like to inform you that she is likely to star in the probable sequel to Snow White and The Non-Penetrative Infidelity Huntsman: "No one's positive [it'll happen] or anything, but I think there's a strong possibility." And there is a one hundred percent chance that I am totally ambivalent about this news. So. [THR]

  ---

  This is a commercial for Britney Spears' new perfume "Fantasy Twist." Topnotes of hibiscus, ginger; subtle hints of a White Castle Crave Case, the tears of personal assistants, general pandemonium.

  ---

  Lindsay Lohan has cancelled her much-anticipated upcoming 20/20 interview with Barbara Walters—breaking her alleged deal with Liz & Dick producers to do the interview in exchange for them to pay off her massive Chateau Marmont bill—because she "didn't like the direction it was going in." Furthermore, her personal assistant, a beleaguered gentleman known here only as Gavin, says that cops "twisted his words" about her summer car accident. Regina George is obviously behind it all. [E!, TMZ]

  ---

  "The texture just felt so good!' Jenny McCarthy admits she tried to have sex with a tree while high on ecstasy," reads a headline that just needs no further exposition which is great because it's 9 AM and this is usually when I go hump an elm and yell DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME. [Daily Mail]

  ---

  • Taylor Swift is open to dating a ginger. Who isn't?! [Monsters and Critics]
  • Katie Holmes has enjoyed Franzia in her day. Who hasn't?! [Us Weekly]
  • Amanda Bynes and a VH1 correspondent named Janelle Snowden were at the same nail salon at 2 AM on election night, and Bynes was not into chatting about the election. Bynes/Snowden 2016! [Page Six]
  • This is the first picture of Reese Witherspoon's new baby Tennessee James Toth. [Us Weekly]
  • Some woman tripped on Jamie Foxx's sidewalk and she's suing him now. Trufacts. [Monsters and Critics]
  • Bradley Coop-a-doop almost said no to his Sexiest Man Alive title. [ABC News]
  • Bryan Adams is gonna be a dad for the second time. [People]
  • Scarlett Johansson got a "prison style" horseshoe tattoo, which brings the number of Scarlett Johansson's "prison style" attributes to approximately one (1). [The Frisky]
  • Heidi Klum gushed about her liebchen (in English: "beloved fucknugget"), bodyguard Martin Kristen, in a German magazine. [E!]
  • Kate Walsh, who is great incidentally, is writing a sitcom about her life with her boyfriend and his kids. [Access Hollywood]
  • Ben Affleck put out a casting call for young extras while shooting Argo and a bunch of Olds showed up instead. Hijinks. [Daily Star]
  • Brooke Shields defended her recently-deceased mother Teri from people who criticized her for allowing the young Shields to do nude scenes in films like Pretty Baby. [E!]
  • Erin Heatherton is OK after her split from Leonardo (or that guy who played in Fargo; I think his name was Steve). [Us Weekly]
  • Justin B33bo tried to get it in with some Victoria's Secret models. [Page Six]
  • Nigel Barker's negatives are in danger after Sandy, and that means we might lose a treasure trove of Round 1 derpfaces on ANTM. Time to rally, America. [Page Six]
  • Pharell Williams and Alexa Chung were either nuzzling or just in the same room. Hard to say. [Page Six]
  • Al Pacino had dinner with a blonde woman in her 30s. [Page Six]
  • This picture of Miley Cyrus holding wads of cash while men gyrate in her face on Ellen. [NYDN]
  • Kate Hudson got acne and her hair fell out after she gave birth to her second child. [Radar Online]
  • Um, UM, Octomom's kids might have had access to her Xanax. End of days. [Radar Online]

Let the haunting call of taps echo in every corner of our great nation this morning, for baby supercouple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have split after two years together. Selena is the one who dumped Justin, says a source. "She broke up with him about a week ago. With them being apart so much it got complicated. She had some trust issues. It's not easy, but the relationship needed to end."

What? Oh, the genesis of these rumors? Glad you asked! About eleven months ago, Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin threw some shade at Gomez's music in a YouTube video. Cut to earlier this month at a Victoria's Secret show, during which Bieber flirted with Palvin and posted pictures with her to his Twitter. Gomez retweeted one of them with the following caption: "..." Yikes. [TMZ, Selena Gomez Zone, Bossip]

• Tay-Tay Swift will be the headline performer at 2013's New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast. [USA Today]
• President Obama's re-election may have had something to do with the underwear Katy Perry gave him, which had his FACE on it. [NYDN]
• Modern Family star Ariel Winter's personal troubles continue, poor kid: apparently her (possibly abusive) mom was angry about the 14-year-old Winter's relationship with an 18-year-old boy. [NYDN]
• Keira Knightley is a big fan of her $40,000 engagement ring. [Us Weekly]
• Katt Williams is being sued for $5 million for allegedly punching his female personal assistant. [TMZ]
• Chris Brown concurred with Rihanna's statement the other night: they're not dating, just friends. [MTV]
• One Direction will serenade the Obama girls at the White House—and hey, they can tell the President what they think of his cover. [NME]
• A fan asked Kim Kardashian to pose for a picture with her and Kim responded "I'm sorry, I don't stand." Pardon? [The Sun]
• Robert Pattinson's dog Bear gets to eat prosciutto sometimes. That's nice for Bear. [People]
• Kristen Bell might appear on the Gossip Girl finale. [Us Weekly]
• Hi Jessica Bielberlake, love your coat. [Us Weekly]

Chico the border collie is something of anomaly: although her eyes were removed when she was a puppy, she still manages to play ball with her owner, navigate turf around her home in Terre Haute, Indiana, and hop into the car with no problem. The owners, as well as expert researchers at Purdue University, are stumped by her abilities. With that can-do attitude, it's too bad the role of Sandy in the Broadway Annie revival has already been nabbed.

'Watch: Dog With No Eyes Plays Fetch' [CBS News]

Sort of a shame, really—I mean, I bet tonnnnns of people in the Bronx wanted an in-person glimpse of the one asshole kid who escaped her punishment at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and grew up to be a hate-mongering scarecrow—but a speech by Ann Coulter at Fordham scheduled for December 6th has been cancelled after its announcement less than 24 hours ago was met with a massive campus outcry. The school's College Republican group rescinded Coulter's invitation after an online petition to stop the event received 2,000 signatures; it also elicited a harsh letter of admonishment from Fordham University president Father Joseph McShane.

"To say that I am disappointed with the judgment and maturity of the College Republicans... would be a tremendous understatement... [Coulter's schtick is] hateful and needlessly provocative - more heat than light." But while McShane called Coulter "repugnant," he felt he would be overstepping student freedom boundaries by quashing an unpopular guest speaking event. Ultimately, it was the students opposed to Coulter's appearance who got the event axed by pointing out that the College Republicans' events, like all academic clubs, were funded at least partially by tuition. And, y'now, that not everyone on campus was down with paying for the cheese plates at A Very Ann Coulter Christmas Bigotpalooza. Go figure. Finally, the College Republicans relented:

Looking at the concerns raised about Ms. Coulter, many of them reasonable, we have determined that some of her comments do not represent the ideals of the College Republicans and are inconsistent with both our organization's mission and the University's. We regret that we failed to thoroughly research her before announcing; that is our error and we do not excuse ourselves for it.

But hey, if you guys already bought those cheese plates, I hear Cthulu is available.

Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard attend the naming of Queen Elizabeth Terrace at Parkes Place on November 10, 2012 in Canberra, Australia. The Royal couple are on the last day of the Australian leg of a Diamond Jubilee that takes in Papua New Guinea, Australia and New Zealand. (Photo by Chris Radburn - Pool/Getty Images)

Just in time for the release of Skyfall, there's a lengthy piece on Hollywod.com about the lack of female Bond figures, short of a few facsimiles who hardly stand the same test of time: Sydney Bristow from Alias, say, and damn near every Angelina Jolie franchise. Two primary issues are cited as the roadblocks between us and a woman Bond: most of the major iconic characters in film today are reboots of old-school creations from the '50s and '60s, a period hardly known for its liberal amount of ass-kicking ladies in entertainment. The other problem cuts closer to the bone: part of Bond's legacy is sleeping with ladies and bouncing, as evidenced by the rotating cabal of Bond girls, but studios persist in giving female spy characters romantic rather than solely sexual encounters.

It also seems relevant to bring up This Is War, a spy rom-com that came out last Valentine's Day wherein uber-CIA agents Tom Hardy and Chris Pine feud over Reese Witherspoon, Just A Nice Normal Gal, Who Has (And Loves!) Her Nice Normal Job Testing Kitchen Products In A Lab. "I can't sleep with both of them, can I?" wonders Reese. (Chelsea Handler, playing her horny older sister, informs her that she can.) "OOH-WEE," replies Reese with a randy chuckle, "YOU ARE SO BAD CHELSEA HANDLER. BUT PERHAPS, VERILY."

Hopefully we eventually break this pattern, or else we'll be dealing with some godawful loglines in the next few years. ("Secret Agent Theodora 'Teddy' Rhodes Is About To Unravel The Biggest International Threat of All... Her Heart. Loosen Your No-Nonsense Ponytail This Christmas, 2017.")

'Why Isn't There a Female Equivalent of James Bond?' [Hollywood.com]

What is it about older people that makes us uncomfortable to see them express physical individuality and long to get them into a barber's chair for that traditional baby-bird-looking crop you see on grandpas everywhere? I mean, I certainly feel that way when I see almost- or definitely geriatric dudes with a Willie Nelson thing going on. A HuffPo piece asks this question in, um, a different, perhaps slightly hyperbolic way. "Do older women with long hair look like something akin to a Halloween hag with a wretched, withered appearance?" And, oddly enough, I do sort of have an instinctive and unfair sterotypical image of the long-haired 50+ woman: she's friends with your weird aunt, she wears a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt and a shawl she bought on St. Mark's Place, she gives you unsolicited and descriptive sex advice in crowded restaurants, etc. Obviously, this is a hella-shitty snap judgment to make and I'm not proud of it—why is it so common?

The website's 50-and-older vertical did a crowdsource of opinions on the matter, and the comments are pretty divisive. The way people seem to interpret older women who choose to wear their hair seems a lot more indicative of these judgmental folks than the long-haired ladies themselves: "I've seen older women with very long hair or hair extensions that go way down their backs. They do look ridiculous ... so do their wrinkles and makeup... They're trying too hard to rejuvenate their youth. And those who are very old and wrinkled with black hair and black eyebrows … geez … OMG. Get a grip!"

Another woman remarks that her hairdresser and husband convinced her to keep hers long, and that the look was "thriving" in New York City. As for the hairdressers themselves, they seem to be firmly on the side of YOLO (as long as the woman's hair is healthy enough to endure when it's long):

"The tradition of older men and women maintaining short hair mostly stems from the inevitable depletion of density and moisture. If aging has served you well and [you've] maintained an adequate thickness and shine the stylists at The Drawing Room New York see no reason not to keep a longer length."

However, the hairdressers (and most of the women) put the kibosh on older guys with ponytails, and suggest an alternative: "Also, I've seen some great toupees lately that look real if your hair is deficient." Oh GOOD. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

'Long Hair Looks Great On Older Women And Men — Or Does It? (PHOTOS) ' [HuffPo]

Image via katerinamk/Shutterstock

As if the soaping of one unhappy Reginald the kitten wasn't self-explanatory, everything is taken up a notch by the priceless booming voiceover narration of this clip. Not to mention the sweeping John Williams-sounding score.

"Reginald is about to learn that getting wet is nothing... compared to getting dry."

[via Buzzfeed]

Last August Zara factories were busted for slave-like working conditions for undocumented workers from Peru and Bolivia; now there's an in-depth look at the La Coruña, Galicia headquarters of Inditex, the company that owns the fast-fashion brand. An Istanbul-based writer went inside the Zara and Zara Home warehouses with communications director Jesus Echevarría as her tour guide.

Although Zara (which began as a housecoat store in Galicia called "Zorba") currently has 5,900 stores in 85 countries, this grows exponentially as Inditex opens more than one store a day. Zara is leading far and away from competitors H&M, Mango and Topshop, and anyone who's shopped there knows that the turnover rate of their merchandise is unreal. Their success is based heavily on fact that you can't think about it, come back after lunch and buy it later. It's only, say, $15 bucks for a t-shirt, so you figure you may as well just buy it now. Store managers are trained to take note of customer's specific reactions to items ("I hate zippers at the ankles," is one cited example) and report back to headquarters in order to have new designs drawn up accordingly as well as more items in the most desirable fabric, color, or style shipped to the store within three weeks.

Unlike the high-end campaigns at competing retailers like H&M, Zara doesn't do special luxury collabs with designers. A fashion consultant says that this is because "Prada wants to be next to Gucci, Gucci wants to be next to Prada. The retail strategy for luxury brands is to try to keep as far away from the likes of Zara. Zara's strategy is to get as close to them as possible." He also says that the more frequent release of collections from labels like Gucci and Prada (from two to four or six a year) is "absolutely because of Zara." Additionally, given the current sartorial reigns of the likes of the Middletons—Miss Selfridge and Topshop fans—financially accessible fashion is in vogue right now more than ever.

There is only one mention of Inditex's factory workers, and it comes at the very end:

A line of women stood at ironing boards, smoothing out the wool-blend, looking for defects and, the spokeswoman told me with emphasis, attaching security tags. Inditex had discovered that if that task was left to the employees in the stores, it would take an extra few intolerable hours to get that trendy red coat from Galicia into your closet.

'How Zara Grew Into the World's Largest Fashion Retailer' [NYT]

In a promotional interview for Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part the Deaux, Stephenie Meyer and a sullen, picking-at-her-cashmere-sweater Kristen Stewart sat in a Beverly Hills hotel and answered a bunch of questions. When one of them suggested that perhaps Bella Swan's love-crazy values and priorities weren't exactly ideal viewing for young girls, K-Stew asserted that if it was flipped around, people would think Edward was the ultimate self-sacrificing romantic:

"Flop the roles. If Bella was a vampire and Edward was the human and you changed nothing but the genders, none of that criticism would exist. It would be 'Wow, he just laid everything on the line for her. It's so amazing, and it must take such strength to subject yourself to that.' Also, the relationship is entirely equal."

Later, she adopts the same attitude she had on Today regarding R-Patzgate and The Rupert Sanders Experience:

People are just going to write the movie version of your life and consume it the way they please. I get the inclination to be entertained by that as well, so go for it. Have at it. Take it. Take it. [...] But you knew nothing about my relationship before. You know less now. How could you?

And fuck you very much, say those smoldering eyes.

After it emerged yesterday that CIA director David Petraeus was resigning from his post as a repercussion of his "extremely poor judgment" involving an affair with his married biographer Paula Broadwell, the managing editor of Foreign Policy dug up and Tweeted a link to a letter written to Chuck Klosterman of The New York Times' column "The Ethicist" in July. The name of the man is withheld, and any connection with Petraeus and Broadwell is pure conjecture—but even if it's a long shot, some of the general facts (and the timeline) add up.

My wife is having an affair with a government executive. His role is to manage a project whose progress is seen worldwide as a demonstration of American leadership. (This might seem hyperbolic, but it is not an exaggeration.)

The writer says that the executive isn't likely aware that he knows of the infidelity, and asks Klosterman whether he should wait a few years before confronting his wife on the matter because "[the executive] is engaged in work that I am passionate about and is absolutely the right person for the job. I strongly feel that exposing the affair will create a major distraction that would adversely impact the success of an important effort."

While sympathetic to the letter-writer's plight and his honorable intentions to stay the course until the unnamed executive completed his "project," Klosterman calls him out on his motive for writing in to the Times:

I halfway suspect... you want specific people to read this column and deduce who is involved and what's really going on behind closed doors (without actually addressing the conflict in person). That's not ethical, either.

Even as the rumor gains traction on Twitter, skeptics at Slate argue that heading the CIA would hardly be referred to as "a project." And furthermore—"What 'government executive' is not having an affair with some guy's wife?" All valid points. So, really, who the fuck knows? We'll keep you posted.

'A Message From Beyond' [The Ethicist/NYT]
'Did Broadwell's Husband Write to the Times About Her Affair with Petraeus?' [Slate]

Elena Ilinykh (front) and Nikita Katsalapov of Russia skate in the Ice Dance Free Dance Skating during ISU Rostelecom Cup of Figure Skating 2012 at the Megasport Sports Center on November 10, 2012 in Moscow, Russia. (Photo by Dmitry Korotayev/Epsilon/Getty Images)

Or, if you like your pairs skating on the bawdy side:

Sons of Anarchy actress Katey Sagal, known also as Peg of Married With Children, the voice of Futurama's Leela, Personal Hero and awesome imaginary three-mimosa brunch mentor, told Howard Stern that Al Bundy's wife was originally written as much of a schlubby nebbish as he was. However, Sagal put the kibosh on that, which is how the big-haired chain-smoking Peggy we know was created.

"When that character was shown to me, she was written to be very sloppy. She was supposed to be like this woman who never took care of herself and kind of was a couch potato. And I read the script and my take on it was, I thought there needed to be some sort of sexual energy between her and Al Bundy, because how could you talk to each other so horribly if something didn't happen that was wonderful also - even though he was always bemoaning that aspect of their relationship. So it was my idea to doll her up. I thought she should look sexy. … So that was really my input to the writing, which I ultimately think made it a little more real and not so difficult to take. Because they were pretty tough on each other, those two."

Of course, Schlubby Husband/Hot Wife is de rigeur for sitcoms these days; now, seeing the two-married-schlubs concept would actually be a novelty.

As for the conservative backlash to Married With Children—which was originally broadcast on Fox, by the way—Sagal divulged her personal response (one she still undoubtedly has to grapple with while portraying Gemma on FX's Sons of Anarchy, a character who once pulled a gun on a baby). "[Biker culture] a very misogynistic culture and I say that with all due respect."

"I always had a struggle, which I still do, when you're playing a character and it's not necessarily your morals or your values. You're playing a character, but the way the media will sometimes ask you if these are your opinions, you know - they make you responsible for that, and I take issue with it because I don't believe in censorship. Married with Children was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny."

'Katey Sagal, Holding Court On 'Sons Of Anarchy' [NPR]

Image via Tumblr

No need to sweat bullets for the sake of Saturday Night Live's guests this week: Anne Hathaway and Rihanna, having appeared on the show three and four times respectively, are old workhorses at this "live" shit by now. It's a shame Romney lost the election, though, if only because Jason Sudeikis has to retire his excellent impression. OH, WELLS. The pros outweigh the cons.

Have a good Saturday night! And if you happen to be in New York with nothing to do, go see this weird/cool-looking ventriloquy movie with me!

Liza "With A Z, Not Lisa With An S" Minnelli was honored at the New York Landmarks Conservancy awards at the Plaza on Thursday and partied like a sorority girl in a foreign country. Though her beverage of choice is a mystery, Minnelli drank and chain-smoked throughout the night, and by the time she got onstage to accept her award, she was "a total mess... clung to the podium for dear life and preceded to slur her way, rambling, unable to sing," says an attendee, adding "I think she was attempting 'New York, New York.'"

LIZA. You are too (metaphorically) large and (literally) drunk to be contained by this earthly sphere. This photo and this one are my personal favorites. Keep making those jazz hands into the void, you classy old broad. [NYDN]

Meanwhile, a source claims, "It's just not over." IT STILL ISN'T OVER. [Radar Online]

Leonardo DiCaprio had his 38th birthday party at a nightclub called The Darby Downstairs and a shit-ton of famous people were there. The DJ for the event told the press that the girls at the event were all over Leo, but he was more into hanging out with the dudes. At one point "Leo was on the mic beat-boxing to 2 Chainz," but unfortunately, we have no video evidence of this because he made everyone check their phones at the door. Just like in Gossip Girl. [NYDN]

James Franco and his rumored girlfriend Ashley Benson went to see Skyfall and both of them fell asleep. Can't wait for his long-winded undergrad-philosophy-major soliloquy about it. [Page Six]

Although her rep denies it, Jennifer Lopez may have imposed a 2 AM partying curfew on Casper Smart and hired a bodyguard to keep him out of trouble. She "wants to be sure he can never publicly embarrass her like that again." Jeeeeez, you use a gloryhole ONE TIME. [Gossip Cop]

Guys, if you didn't see Rihanna's performance of "Diamonds" on SNL, get ready for some circa-1998 geometric screensaver shit.

Which seapunks are not happy about. [Buzzfeed]

• Shia LaBeouf, otherwise known as the stuff you scrape off a sponge after cleaning your sink, got into a bar fight in London when some guy took his baseball cap. [Ace Showbiz]
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West groped each other nearby. [Us Weekly]
• After giving her some time to move out, Usher is selling the Georgia mansion that his ex-wife Tameka Raymond still lives in. [TMZ]
• Be careful when you're spouting BS, Jennie Garth: Amanda Bynes says you never tried to call her, but now that she knows you care, she would like to connect post-haste. [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin ignored his stalker's Twitter pleas to drop the suit against her. [Express]
• Meanwhile, Madonna's ex-fireman stalker was convicted for resisting arrest (and also "flailing his arms" at cops). [Inquisitr]
• Kat Von D and Deadmau5 broke up. [E!]
• He might have cheated on her with Dancing With The Stars' Chelsea Kane. [Allie Is Wired]
• Robert Pattinson says that the English shit on celebrities a lot. [Gather Celebs]
• Peaches Geldof will be a mom for the second time with husband Tom Cohen. [Daily Mail]
• Here's a photo of Justin and Jessica Bielberlake doing some post-Sandy volunteering. [People]
• Mila Kunis is executive producing a show called Meridian Hills, set in 1972, about a woman who joins the Junior League. [People]
• Demi Moore took a cue from Sex and The City: La Deux and turned 50 in Abu Dhabi. [Us Weekly]
• As if she didn't already have a monopoly on all of God's creatures, Oprah's starting "Oprah's Farm," an organic food-and-health products endeavor. [Page Six]
• Pippa Middleton's book is underselling. [Telegraph UK]
• Guh. New picture of a scary-skinny Matthew McConaughey. [NYDN]
• Courtney Stodden advises Ariel Winter that her relationship with her 18-year-old boyfriend is "awesome" and that "if they are in love it's OK! They should get married!" Just remember that this is a girl who named her dog "Dourtney." [Radar Online]

Guten morgen! At a premiere for Twilight Saga: The Last One, Right? God I Hope They're Not Lying About That, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson gazed into each others' eyes and "flashed modest smiles." She was wearing a lacy dress and her underwear was totes showing. Deuces. [Celebuzz]

A few days ago, however, there were rumors that K-Stew got snappish with R-Patz's PDAs at a dinner party in New York: "Don't kiss me." [The Celebrity Cafe]

Stewart, Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson had a much-awaited Group Hang in New York. "We were actually sat in a corner with Emma Watson as well, the three of us. We were like, 'Wow, this is strange. This is really cool,'" said K-Stew. "It was kind of a great feeling, to be honest. I was like, 'This is kind of just awesome.'" Oh, and rumors of their feud in March was bullshit, says Lawrence. "I just shot her an email, and was like, 'Hey, can't wait to see more as this feud unfolds!" [Us Weekly]

Back in March, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were already on the outs. "The first time Justin and Selena broke up, it was because Justin shot an episode of Punk'd with Miley Cyrus. Selena is repulsed by Miley!" Repulsed! In semi-related news, if Bieber clambered up onto the shoulders of Cyrus's boyfriend Liam Hemsworth they'd totally look like those kids from The Mighty. [Radar Online]

The freshly broken-up duo had a "secret meeting" at a hotel in New York. [TVNZ]

After performing at the Bob Woodruff Foundation's "Stand Up for Heroes" show, John Mayer did not immediately penetrate women in a restaurant, which I guess makes him, like, Jimmy Carter all of a sudden. "John was at a table with friends at Cafe Luxembourg after the show. and a line of girls kept coming up to him [but] he was clearly not available. It seemed like the opposite of the way he's been in the past, like he's really settled down." Has Katy Perry reformed him? they ask. I don't fucking trust it. Never have. [Page Six]

Anne Hathaway says that her obsession with losing 25 pounds for Les Mis was intense:

"I had to be obsessive about it—the idea was to look near death. Looking back on the whole experience—and I don't judge it in any way—-it was definitely a little nuts. It was definitely a break with reality, but I think that's who Fantine is anyway... I was in such a state of deprivation—physical and emotional. When I got home, I couldn't react to the chaos of the world without being overwhelmed. It took me weeks till I felt like myself again."

[Us Weekly]

• ONE DIRECTION IS GONNA HAVE A MOVIE IN 3DDDDDD. [Twitter]
• Taylor Swift is all for Jersey Shore hurricane relief. [MTV]
• "Why Is Taylor Swift Sad About Owning Hundreds of Dresses?" inquires a plaintive headline. [People]
• Lady Gaga appears as a cartoon in Barney's trippy holiday windows. [NBC]
• Jon Hamm and Jon Hamm's penis got drunk. [The Superficial]
• Back in the '90s, Janeane Garofalo married a friend in Vegas for LOLs, but it turns out they've been married ever since and didn't even know it. [Page Six]
• Ke$ha will be starting a faux fur line because why not? [TV3.ie]
• Heidi Montag's still a thing. [Us Weekly]
• This picture of Kate Middleton dressed as an adult baby at a college event is really endearing. [Us Weekly]
• Reese Witherspoon's current and former husband enjoyed an awkward handshake. [Us Weekly]
• JoAnna Garcia's pregnant. [Us Weekly]

Anna Karenina star Keira Knightley went topless for the December issue of Allure. Hey, Keira, do you have an eating disorder? There are all those rumors and everything.

"The anorexic stuff — it's always going to have an impact, so I think it did hit pretty hard. Because you go, oh, maybe that's right! I knew I wasn't anorexic, but maybe my body is somehow not right."

How about sex scenes? Personal onscreen nudity policy?

"No bottom half! I don't mind exposing my tits because they're so small — people really aren't that interested."

Yeah, about that...

"They always pencil in my boobs. I was only angry when they were really droopy... For King Arthur, for a poster, they gave me these really strange droopy tits. I thought, well if you're going to make me fantasy breasts, at least make perky breasts."

Hey, K-Dogg, are you a feminist?

"I am a feminist, but I clearly objectify myself — so that, right, there is a total contradiction to feminist principles."

Glad we cleared all that up! Also, after the spread was published, some bullshit rumor wafted around about the Photoshopping of Knightley's nipple. Allure's editor-in-chief shot it down: "We didn't do any surgery to Keira Knightley's breasts-neither with a scalpel nor a retoucher." But seriously guys, it's all about the CRAFT of SERIOUS ACTING. [Allure, E!]

Because she's Lindsay Lohan, it's easy to forget that she is just a girl standing in front of a boy, etc. "I can only imagine what it would be like to have the kind of love that [Elizabeth Taylor] and Richard Burton had. It's such a wonderful thing. It's so heartbreaking. Love is scary and I'm yet to find that one person. I relate to the fact that Elizabeth Taylor once said, ‘I love being in love.' I do, too. I love being in love. There's nothing better than that first feeling of being in love, so I look forward to having that at some point'. I've been in love with people – maybe one or two – but I haven't really had a true love yet."

It is, however, true to form that Lohan would choose a mutually destructive, emotionally abusive alligator fuckhouse of a relationship like that one to want for herself. [Entertainmentwise]

Wherein Chris Brown oh-so-articulately defends his Halloween costume, which he has now specified as Osama bin Laden: "It's fucking Halloween. It's a motherfucking holiday. Get over it, people." Points for the other guy's Rihanna impression, though.

Channing Tatum is somewhat abashed about his Sexiest Man Alive title. "I told [wife] Jenna after we'd been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they'd gotten skunked. She was like, 'What?'" [People]

• Justin Bieber was pulled over in L.A. for driving like a broken hero on a last-chance power drive. [TMZ]
• Rihanna got her own creepy likeness at Madame Tussaud's. [Bossip]
• Octomom maybe stole a $7,500 diamond ring. [Radar Online]
• Johnny Depp invited One Direction over and jammed with them. [The Sun]
• Sharon Osbourne has lost 28 pounds since her double mastectomy. [Us Weekly]
• If you have a jazillion dollars, you can have lunch with Gwyneth Paltrow. Or you could just read GOOP and feel adequately condescended to about your gauche lifestyle choices for free. [Monsters and Critics]
• After they did some Sandy volunteering, Justin and Jessica Timberlake had BBQ with Timbaland. [Page Six]
• Chris Hemsworth might star in a biopic about old-timey sex dream Steve McQueen. [Ace Showbiz]
• Kim Kardashian sent a few Kardashian Collection dresses to Kate Middleton. Yeah, that'll happen. [Entertainmentwise]
• Meryl Streep's daughter who's not Mamie Gummer joined The Newsroom. [Vulture]
• OJ Simpson straight up does not pay taxes. [TMZ]
• Kristen Stewart can't wait to land another movie role. [Us Weekly]
• Wait, this picture of Madonna and Psy. [Contact Music]
• Tamera Mowry-Housley had a boy. [People]
• Wendy Williams calls Heidi Klum's relationship with her bodyguard "disgusting." [Us Weekly]
• Chelsea Handler blew off Hoda and Kathie Lee with some bullshit food poisoning claim and went out with her boyfriend. [Page Six]
• Lil Wayne is OK, you guys. [Page Six]
• Taryn Manning got one day of community service for smacking her personal assistant. [NYDN]
• "Get a chauffeur?" suggests Amanda Bynes' former sitcom co-star Wesley Jonathan. Valid. [TMZ]

Alpha males Robert De Niro and Jay-Z's squabbling almost ruined Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday party for everyone. De Niro let Hova have it for mentioning that he'd be willing to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and then failing to return any of De Niro's calls to follow through. Jay-Z tried to joke about it and Beyoncé glided over to try to keep the peace, but De Niro said that there were no excuses and although he considers Jay-Z "the man," it was "JUST RUDE." At last, DiCaprio cried in the dulcet tones of an angelic child: "I don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight!" And everyone hugged, and that's the story of Christmas.

"[De Niro] can be quite scary when he's angry," said an insider. Thanks for that startling new information. [Page Six]

Sometimes Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go to a pizza place in his Missouri hometown, and the wild rumpus starts. "The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus. They jump on tables and even throw food at each other!" Yeah, Branj, it's all fun and games now, but in a few years you'll have six beautiful, privileged, disaffected Bret Easton Ellisy teenagers to raise. [Us Weekly]

Liz & Dick producer Larry Thompson admits that wrangling Lindsay Lohan has turned him into a walking ulcer. "Producing a movie with Lindsay is not for the faint of heart. I turned 50 shades of white actually during the production... She might be the most insured actress who ever walked on a soundstage. We tried to insure ourselves against things that could and, in fact, did happen." E!]

LiLo popped up on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. [HuffPo]

DNA results confirm that Michael Lohan fathered a kid behind Dina Lohan's back in 1995. [TMZ]

Oh and Dina hates hates hates cocaine but do you have any? [D Listed]

Tina Simpson may use her million-dollar book deal to blackmail Joe Simpson to give her the lion's share of their divorce spoils, although she got the book deal before their split and the rumors about his sexuality. It was originally going to be about mothering Jessica and Ashlee, but might now become a marital tell-all. Keep it classy. [Gossip Cop]

This is a rather grody trailer for an hour-long video made by Lady Gaga and Terry Richardson.

And now, "Ryan Lochte In Uncomfortable Repose On Sand With Dog." (People's Sexiest Man Issue or a 1949 portrait by Magritte? You decide.) [People]

• Chris Brown may have been banned from GQ's Man of the Year party. [Gossip Cop]
• The Today show is in serious trouble, but Matt Lauer allegedly refuses to take a pay cut. [Radar Online]
• Justin B33bs has been calling and texting Selena Gomez and begging for another shot. [Radar Online]
• Billy Joel, Rihanna, Missy Elliott are a team of genetic superheroes primed join forces and save the galaxy going up against Pandora Radio in a compensation dispute. [Reuters]
• Ben Affleck endorses Channing Tatum as People's Sexiest Man Alive: "I think he is deserving, and always has been. He's a very good guy and an extremely, extremely sexy man. I mean, what else can you say? Have you seen Magic Mike? I think that said it all." Verily. [Sky News]
• And a delightful shot of Jonah Hill nearly licking the Chay Tates-covered issue of the tabloid. [Twitter]
• Ke$ha has lots of international friends with benefits. [The Sun]
• Miley Cyrus is looking at wedding gowns from Marchesa. [Entertainemtnwise]
• One time, Daniel Craig and his then-girlfriend were poor and starving, and Daniel Craig's girlfriend shoplifted a turkey by putting it up her shirt and pretending she was pregnant. [Contact Music]
• Although ultimately Jamie Foxx got the titular role, Will Smith has no hard feelings about Django Unchained director Quentin Tarantino. [Business Standard]
• 30 Rock's Liz Lemon marries this month. [Yahoo News]
• Kelly Clarkson dreams of one day having the courage to get breast implants. Aim high! [Toronto Sun]
• Yay! Elizabeth Banks' second son Magnus was born via surrogate yesterday. [People]
• Kristen Stewart's really on a roll with this whole see-through thing. [People]
• Sandra Bullock and Matthew McConaughey's wife Camila Alves's kids play together! [People]
• Rebel Wilson and Zac Efron bonded at a Lakers game and there is an adorable picture to prove it. [Us Weekly]
• Paul McCartney gave an impromptu mini-concert in an elevator. [Page Six]
• Madonna showed her ass onstage to raise money for Sandy relief (she also did a split in a thong, which one concertgoer said resulted in "a Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct moment"). Get it? Her vagina was showing. [Page Six]
• Jessica Chastain, who covers Marie Claire this month, says that she has to be more overt with dudes now that she is successful and therefore scary. [NYDN]

To kick off her 777 tour, Rihanna's taken 200 bloggers and journalists on a Boeing 777 for a week. I've used my crack investigative skills to determine that everyone is getting fucked up and having a good time. At one point, Ri-Ri personally served cognac. One of the writers, Julieanne Smolinski, has a quick Q&A posted already about the in-flight bacchanal, and many of the journalists are diligently tweeting.

a few words from Rih Rih #777tour instagr.am/p/SBPE7YEVb-/

— e. (@3rika) November 14, 2012

That time 50 Cent was adorably flirty with the lady on QVC.

• Kim Kardashian went to the marine corps ball. Just, y'know, to remind them what they are fighting for. (AMERICUH.) [E!]
• Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are still hanging out at hotels. [TMZ]
• A video in which a poor unsuspecting teen named Ashley Kaufman learns that she's the illegitimate child of Michael Lohan. Harsh. [D Listed]
• Lara Stone is pregnant. [Us Weekly]
• This is Megan Fox flirting with her real-life husband Brian Austin Green on Wedding Band. [Us Weekly]
• Russell Brand accidentally hit a homeless guy's shopping cart with his car and (nicely!) helped pick the stuff up. [TMZ]
• Billy Dee Williams, aka Lando in Star Wars is gunning to be in the new installment of the series. [TMZ]
• Ke$ha releases a new song that's undeniably catchy. And articulate:

  "Feeling like I'm a high schooler sipping on a warm wine cooler
  Hot 'cause the party don't stop, I'm in a crop top like I'm working at Hooters."

  [YouTube]

• Kristen Stewart wore leather shorts on a Spanish talk show. [Daily Mail]
• Katie Holmes would be down for a Dawson's Creek reunion. [E!]
• Lady Sybil from Downton Abbey broke up with her boyfriend. [OK!]
• After an on-screen three-way with James Franco and Ashley Benson in Spring Breakers, Vanessa Hudgens never wants to do a sex scene again, ever. [Us Weekly]
• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher continue their joint charity work despite their split. [Us Weekly]
• Jessica Simpson filmed a Weight Watchers spot. [Us Weekly]
• Aerosmith is fighting amongst themselves. [Page Six]
• And now, Historic Moments In FUUUUUU: some guy watching Paul Rudd's Broadway show puked over a mezzanine into the audience. [Page Six]
• Stevie Nicks is 64 and still here, says Stevie Nicks. [Page Six]

People hate Kim Kardashian even more than they usually do this morning since she posted a sentiment interpreted as pro-Israel on Twitter: "Praying for everyone in Israel." After receiving all manner of negative Tweets in return, including a few death threats, she hastily added: "Praying for everyone in Palestine and across the world!" Which only made it worse. Eventually she took down both tweets and released a message to her fans:

"I should have pointed out my intentions behind these tweets when I posted them. The fact is that regardless of religion and political beliefs, there are countless innocent people involved who didn't choose this, and I pray for all of them and also for a resolution. I also pray for all the other people around the world who are caught in similar crossfires."

Oh, Kim. When will you and 'Ye realize that no good comes from Twitter? Except maybe Instagrammed photos of people's brunch? [Page Six, TMZ]

• Eddie Murphy and girlfriend Paige Butcher went to a Lakers game. [Bossip]
• Selena Gomez stormed out on Justin Bieber during a (reconciliation?!) dinner last night. [TMZ]
• Taylor Swift and Harry Styles held hands, according to Mario Lopez. [Us Weekly]
• Ashley Greene's Twilight character Alice Cullen is never coming back, ever, says Greene. [Hollywood.com]
• WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw, described by fellow ballers as "mentally unstable," threw a brick into her ex-girlfriend's car and tried to light it on fire. She also fired a gun into her ex's new girlfriend's vehicle. [TMZ]
• Robert Pattinson made an awkward joke about putting walruses in sex scenes, but this picture more than makes up for it. [People]
• I actually do like this dress K-Stew wore to a Berlin Twilight premiere, gold and heavy-looking as it may be. [Us Weekly]
• Peter Faccinelli might have a new girlfriend: Jaimie Alexander, who's currently on (the excellent!) Nurse Jackie. [Us Weekly]
• Lucille Bliss, the original voice of Smurfette on The Smurfs, has passed away. [E!]
• Justin Theroux hates L.A., misses New York. [Page Six
• Chad Lowe and his wife had their second kid. [E!]
• After breaking up with Skrillex, Ellie Goulding is dating actor Jeremy Irvine. [The Sun]
• Joe Simpson got three years of probation for his DUI. [People]
• Bradley Cooper goes to Soul Cycle in Tribeca! Sign up for classes in order to ogle! [Page Six]