Rihanna covers Elle UK this month and talks about Chris Brown, Instagram and her future. Discussing Ri-Ri on this website is something of a lose-lose situation: Salem-style piling on her for her choices doesn't help anybody—especially not other women in similar situations—and I'll leave the alternative to the staff writer ladies who are more than equipped to tackle these issues. So, for today, at least, here's Rihanna on Rihanna.

"I Instagram everything about my life, whether it's smoking piff, in a strip club, reading a Bible verse-how crazy, I know-or hanging with my best friend, who happens to be Chris. I'm posting pictures of myself smoking piff to tell the truth about myself. I've got so much to think about, why bring all this extra shit by being dishonest?"

"‘Stay' is a story about having love that close and wanting it to last forever... You don't have that feeling with everybody so when you have it you don't want to let go of it. I would definitely say that he is the one I have that kind of relationship with. [...] What we want [is] a great friendship that's unbreakable. Now that we're adults we can do this right. We got a fresh start and I'm thankful for that."

Within the next five years, she says: ""Shall I say this? I will probably have a kid... (who'll be the father?) I can't tell you that. It's not my business. It's God's business."

After the Drake/Breezy bottle-throwing club fight, which may have began with Drake sending over a note to Brown that read "I'm fucking the love of your life, deal with it":

"Everybody wanted to know what was happening in my life. Is she a drug addict? No. Is she an alcoholic? No. Is she a victim? No. That's when I got the gun [tattoo]. It was a symbol of strength. I'll never be a victim."

[NYDN; image via Elle UK]

• Mila Kunis stuck up for Oscars host Seth MacFarlane, although she claims to have missed the actual broadcast. [Entertainmentwise]
  James Franco hits back at NYU professor Jose Angel Santana's lawsuit against him. [TMZ]
• Ex-Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King got $1,500 for the porn she starred in. [TMZ]
• It is a complete mystery to me why Justin Bieber keeps lending his car to reckless driver Lil Twist. [TMZ]
• Speaking of which:
  

  Worst birthday

  — Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 2, 2013

  
  Because apparently Beebs and his posse were ejected from a club by security. [E!]
• Oh, and he began the night shirtless. [Page Six]
• Shirley MacLaine returns to Downton Abbey next season! [PBS]
• Kate Middleton got a $55 maternity dress from Topshop; is Just Like Us, with one tiny difference! [Us Weekly]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to his position as executive editor of bodybuilding mag Muscle & Fitness and Flex, aka MAAASCLE AND FEEEETNESS AND FLEX. [LA Times]
• Seal is dating former Pink Power Ranger Erin Cahill. Related: Did you know that when it snows his eyes become large? [Us Weekly]
• Harry Styles' tattoo artist thinks that he and Taylor Swift were never really in love: "Harry and Taylor didn't seem in love at all. There wasn't a sparkle in Harry's eye. Taylor came towards the end of his ship tattoo and sat with him but there was nothing magical going on." [Sugarscape]
• Kanye West is struggling in vain to try to convince Kim Kardashian not to do a nude pregnancy shoot. It's a losing battle, 'Ye. [TV3.ie]
• What the fuck? David Boreanez created Jennifer Hudson's Oscars nail polish. What the fuck? [People]
• Jane Lynch says adorable things about her stepdaughter Haden. [People]
• Jesse Tyler Ferguson's wedding to Justin Mikita will happen in New York, summer, loft space. <— Wedding Mad Libs. [Us Weekly]
• Hayden Panetierre sounds fun to party with: "Later, it looked like Hayden was taking care of her girlfriend, who seemed really wasted and was trying to bum cigarettes." [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan is volunteering at a school for autistic children. [Page Six]
• Yes, it was, in fact, David Beckham's own crotch and butt in his H&M commercial. Sleep soundly and dreamlessly tonight. [Page Six]
• Diddy used to wet the bed. Last year. JK. [NYDN]
• This baby orangutan. [People]

HEY HEY HEY WHAT IS THAT IS SMELLS GOOD HEY HEY HEY HEY OVER HERE.

Who needs 101 of these little dudes? This amount feels more than adequate.

[via Tastefully Offensive]

Like deep-cleaning your bathroom or reading Middlemarch, running is one of those things you always mean to be darn good at once you get around to it.

But there is something extremely daunting about the idea of being alone with the pavement, "Cher's Greatest Hits" and the sound of your own labored breathing. "I can't run because American Pickers is on! It's too cold/hot/humid to run! I have the wrong shoes/bra/life/help me!!" says me, you and the world. Well, shhhh.

Not only has the prevalence of Couch to 5K phone apps simplified solid interval training, but CNN is helping out six Average Joes—some overweight, one having suffered from a heart attack at 30, others simply out of shape—by gifting them with a road bike, wet suit, gym membership, nutrition and fitness coaches. Ultimately, these folks will participate in the annual Fit Nation Triathlon, which entails a daunting half-mile swim in the ocean, 18 mile bike ride and 4 mile long run along the Pacific coast. (Fuuu.)

One of the participants, Stacy Mantooth, discusses his various physical roadblocks from regular running—asthma, shin splints, plantar fasciitis—and the mental and emotional effects of his fear of pain that's kept him sidelined for years.

We all have hurdles in life, some great and some small, that try to prevent us from doing the things we want to do. My mantra had become "I am not a runner," but it was just an excuse. This excuse no longer stops me.

My minor injuries and pains are nothing compared with the hardships many people face every day. My pain and anxiety are manageable, and I am no longer afraid.

While running may not be your jam, it's also worth noting that you or anyone who has this manner of injuries could take up gentle ashtanga or hatha yoga; while they're on opposite ends of the spectrum, yoga and running compliment each other to improve physical and mental health. Even if you don't give a fuck about weight loss (I sure don't), anything that alleviates general anxiety, panic attacks and depression is worth a shot.

'Overcoming excuses: I am not a runner' [CNN]

Image via Blazej Lyjak/Shutterstock

T-shirts being sold on Amazon UK from a company called Solid Gold Bomb, which includes 638 oh-so-witty riffs on the "Keep Calm" slogan such as "Keep Calm and Knife" and "Keep Calm and Kill," have been pulled from the site after they were barraged with negative product reviews and critical Tweets for their selection of "Rape" items.

Until yesterday, for the meager price of £15 to £17, you could have bought yourself a permanent VIP pass into the Hall of Rapey Douchebaggery with one of these duds: there's "Keep Calm and Rape Them," "Keep Calm and Rape Us," "Keep Calm and Rape On," and any other Schoolhouse Rock grammatical configuration you might imagine.

The company, based in Oxford in the UK but distributes out of Worcester, MA., has issued an apology for the manufacturing of the shirts, claiming it was nothing more than programming gone awry:

"These 'Keep Calm' shirts were computer-generated and we didn't even know we had a shirt that says that ... as soon as we realised this, we immediately deleted them. It takes time for them to be deleted. I was the person responsible for running the script that generated the T-shirt, not the company, not any other individuals. I appreciate everyone's comments but please, accept this as a mistake as we certainly do not condone 'rape'"

'Amazon slammed for selling T-shirts with the words 'Keep Calm And Rape Them' message on front' [Daily Mail]
'Company apologises for 'Keep Calm And Rape' T-shirts' [The Sun]

Oops! Remember that time that Texas lawmakers cut $73 million of family planning funding and thought that wouldn't have an effect on the overall birth rate in the Lone Star state? As it turns out, proving fewer alternatives to having babies means... that there will be more donut holes. I mean, paper clips. Wait, no, I mean babies. More babies.

The Health and Human Services commission is now projecting that over 20,000 unplanned births are on the horizon for women in poverty on Medicaid, at a $237 million cost to taxpayers. Although the Texas Women's Health Program admittedly boasts an entertainingly tacky old-school Sweet Valley High-cover-style logo, Republican lawmakers have finally decided that its inadequacies will cost them more than the benefits of "defrauding the abortion industry."

They've proposed an additional $100 million of general revenue to be filtered into Community Primary Care Services Program to be used specifically for women's health services. From the New York Times:

The additional money could increase the number of patients served annually in the program to 234,000 from 64,000 and nearly double the number of participating health care organizations, to 100 from 57, according to the Department of State Health Services.

Ideally these funds will broaden the range of low-income Texas women eligible for assistance as well as the scope of services offered, although some of the state's women's health officials would have preferred a reinstatement of federal family-planning money over a funneling of general state revenue into primary care. Also—naturally—Texas Right to Life is currently double-checking that none of the providers that would receive the money offer abortion services.

'Restoring Family-Planning Cuts Without Ruffling Feathers' [NYT]

Just to ensure that human beings have unknowingly consumed EVERY kind of animal who sings "Circle of Life" at the beginning of The Lion King, it looks like South Africans have inadvertently been munching on the horse's swaggier cousin, the zebra, as well as kangaroos and giraffes. Sigh. Just when we were getting över Ikea's Swedish horse meatballs and learning to trust again.

146 samples of biltong, dried meat strips that serve as a popular low-fat snack in South Africa, supposedly made of antelope meat, were tested by researchers at the University of Western Cape. Surprise! Not all made of antelope meat.

All packets labeled 'beef' were found to be correct but 90 percent of biltong sticks supposedly made of kudu - a large, curly-horned antelope - were actually horse, pork, beef, giraffe or even kangaroo.

Additionally, one of the species in zebra biltong was found to be that of the endangered mountain zebra. ;_;

But let's not take that "beef" label for granted! Earlier this week it was also discovered that South African hamburger and sausage products contained species of donkey and water buffalo.

'Waiter! There's a giraffe in my kudu' [Yahoo News]

Image via Patryk Kosmider/Shutterstock

Haven't you been SO worried about middle America catching onto crash diets, juice fasts, and other ultimately unhealthy, pointless exercises in self-restriction? I sure have!

Fuck walking on a treadmill every day and slowly, realistically dropping some pounds that you can KEEP off, I've thought to myself. When will someone show us salt of the earth folks that now you can go on a liquid diet, lose a small toddler's worth of weight in four seconds and gain it back almost immediately?

Your worries end here! L.A. trainer and fitness expert Harley Pasternak, who's worked with Katy Perry, Hilary Duff, Amanda Seyfried and Kimye, learned that America wants quick-'n'-easy results firsthand when he appeared on ABC's short-lived women's weight loss talk show The Revolution. He talks to The Cut about bestowing his new juice fast upon the chubby masses.

Upon encountering the demographic of Average Jane dieters who resort to diet pills and master cleanses, he says, "I realized that the slow-and-steady message I'd been espousing is not a real world solution for everybody. People don't want to wait 30 weeks, dropping a half a pound a week, to look and feel better." Gahhh. America likes the show Cops, too, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be watching Enlightened.

Says Pasternak, while Katy Perry and co. "need to lose, maybe, three or four pounds, and tone or sculpt... Real people* need immediate results and I need to give it to them in an immediate way." So he's developed the Body Reset Diet for the rest of us Muggles, a 15-day smoothie-based diet that isn't as drastic as a juice cleanse but is designed for rapid weight loss. (We're allowed to snack on hummus, veggies, sliced turkey and air-popped popcorn during our smoothie extravaganza.)

Last week an article that Pasternak wrote for People, comparing and contrasting the fitness acumen of former Disney starlets, was roundly criticized by blogs. Naturally, the "well-reviwed" young women were his clients. (Rather, "Someone taught them how to eat properly," he says discreetly in The Cut article.) But his overall response?

What was interesting was that the response from Canadians on Facebook was much more positive than comments. I think the U.S. has ultrasensitivity about weight loss. They're sick of people telling them they're obese and they only rank 40th in life expectancy. Canada ranks eleventh.

America is too damn fat to deal with his Truth Telling! Shut up and stop being so fat, America!

Finally, how does Pasternak feel about potentially shrinking Jessica Simpson's breasts or Kim Kardashian's butt when he trains them?

I think God maintains their body brands. It's mostly genetics.

And, scene.

*Fatness Everdeens.

'Kim Kardashian's Body Guru Has a Liquid Diet for Middle America' [The Cut/NY Mag]

Inspired by an illuminated manuscript from the 1300s, the original "Queen of Punk," Dame Vivienne Westwood, swaddled this year's Paris Autumn/Winter 2013 runway looks in sackcloth cloaks and oversized coats that wouldn't be out of place in The Canturbury Tales. The models were even brushed with sallow plague-y bruises reminiscent of the Dark Ages. But naturally, some awesome structured florals and metallic/tutu combos were thrown into the mix, as well as "slogans in support of climate change policy and philanthropic micro-investments... dotted [into] her cloaks and T-shirts."

Ruslan Samitov of Russia competes in the Men's Triple Jump Final during day two of the European Athletics Indoor Championships at Scandinavium on March 2, 2013 in Gothenburg, Sweden. (Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images)

You can't see the part where his feet are literally off the ground:

As more women between the ages of 25 to 39 are being diagnosed with breast cancer (gaaaah), researchers are taking additional steps to address the emotional and psychological trauma involved in the diagnosis. After analyzing the interviews of over 1,100 women recently diagnosed, the Journal of the National Cancer Institute has released a study that shows that 23% of these women—nearly a quarter—have experienced PTSD symptoms after receiving the news.

But here's the interesting part:

"During the first two to three months after diagnosis, nearly a quarter of them met the criteria for PTSD, although the symptoms declined over the next three months," [lead researcher] Dr. Neugut, who is also a professor at Columbia University, added. "Younger women were more likely to develop symptoms of PTSD, and data suggest Asian and black women are at a more than 50 percent higher risk than white women."

This may correlate with the recent realization that using the same at-risk screening model for women across racial lines may be underestimating breast cancer risk in non-white women. Using data from the Black Women's Health Study, the Slone Epidemiology Center (SEC) at Boston University looked at the CARE model, which currently assesses the at-risk factor of black women, which is currently the same one used for Caucasian women. They discovered that it does a substandard job of determining the risk of estrogen receptor (ER) negative breast cancer, a deadlier form of the disease that's found more often in black women.

Dr. Neugut acknowledges that understanding and dealing with the women's PTSD symptoms "might also have an indirect impact on the observed racial disparity in breast cancer survival."

'Nearly 25 Percent Of Women Diagnosed With Breast Cancer Experience PTSD' [RedOrbit]
'Popular Test Underestimates Black Women's Breast Cancer Risk' [BET]

Image via OLJ Studio/Shutterstock

Ashley Judd was under a microscope during a 90-minute appearance at a George Washington University student forum, ostensibly to speak about public health but, for all practical purposes, to continue establishing herself as a serious candidate to challenge Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell next year in Kentucky.

Although she never addressed this directly, she did respond to one student's question about her run for office with: "Is there an elephant in the room?"

Judd has kept things low-key as the rumors surrounding her run heat up, abstaining from TV or print interviews. Naturally, both liberals and conservatives alike are skeptical of whether her bid for Senate is a good idea; Dems think she can't win, Republicans consistently try to poke holes in her agenda. This time, they've already excerpted clips of some celebrity-isms scattered in her speech that supposedly betray her eight-generation Kentucky roots. For example, above, she says that her family "winters in Scotland." RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.

'Ashley Judd gives poignant talk at D.C. forum' [Politico]

Actress Uma Thurman Joins Cat In The Hat On NEA's Read Across America Day at New York Public Library on March 1, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for National Education Association)

Super-endearing comedian Kevin Hart, who was definitely the best part of Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man is hosting Saturday Night Live tonight, and, as most stand-ups do, the dude will undoubtedly kill it.

Tonight's show also features Macklemore and Ryan Lewis of "Thrift Shop" fame. (If you're not familiar, welcome to what will be stuck in your head for the rest of your life.)

Have a nice Saturday night!

In a move that obviously has nothing to do with brother Michael's $2 billion estate, no, nothing whatsoever, LaToya Jackson has swooped in on miniature heirs Prince, Paris and Blanket Jackson and taken them under her wing. By which I mean she signed them to her talent agency, Ja-Tail Enterprises—which has no other clients—and is currently pitching the kids all around Hollywood at a 15% commission rate.

The get-togethers included "lots of ice cream and cookies," said a family insider.

"They needed comfort with everyone showing their wild side, so they watched television together, they listened to music and they talked about what Mike would want. Mostly, it was Toya doing all the talking."

"She told them how she knew [Michael] better than anybody else, and she knew he'd want them to follow their dreams; and because they were his children, they could be media and entertainment moguls.

"She had a blueprint. She sold it, and they bought it."

Oh, and if that wasn't seedy enough, she's negotiating a reality show deal for the family. OWN, the current frontrunner, is thought to have offered somewhere around $10 million. [Bossip, Page Six]

Meanwhile, a "smoking gun" email from a concert promoter will be used as proof that Conrad Murray pushed Michael Jackson into rehearsals for This Is It despite his poor health.

A cornerstone of the Jacksons' case is an e-mail AEG Live Co-CEO Paul Gongaware wrote 11 days before Jackson's June 25, 2009, death. The e-mail to show director Kenny Ortega addressed concerns that Murray had kept Jackson from a rehearsal the day before: "We want to remind (Murray) that it is AEG, not MJ, who is paying his salary. We want to remind him what is expected of him."

[CNN]

Heidi Klum has made a last-minute deal to join the judges panel on Season 8 of America's Got Talent, planning to join up with the others—Howard Stern, Howie Mandel and Mel B—during the first round of auditions in New Orleans today. She told People: "I've always wanted to work with Howard Stern. I think he's so funny, charming, handsome and smart. And, yes, he did tell me to say this." [Us Weekly, People]

">It's pretty well-known that Tom Cruise considered joining the priesthood when he was a teenager, but it's been revealed that he actually got kicked out of the seminary of St. Francis for stealing booze from his Franciscan teachers. A friend snuck into the room with the liquor and threw it down to Cruise, who waited by the window. A bright idea: "I tossed about six. Most broke."

Hilariously, even before this incident, none of the priests thought he was too special: Teachers describe him as a mediocre student. "The [IQ cutoff] is 110, and he scored exactly 110," "He was very unremarkable. You would never have thought he'd make it, although he did have a really neat smile." [NYDN]

One Direction Pop Tart Louis Tomlinson, one of the One Direction Band Members Who Are Not Harry Styles, installed a panic room in his £2.5million Hertfordshire property on behalf of his girlfriend Eleanor Calder, who had been receiving death threats from fans. Other than that, all you really need to know about this guy is that he has a tattoo of a teacup. And, scene. [Digital Spy]

In which Allison Williams contemplates the gazelles and the lions and the warthog carcasses of Hollywood:

When Mean Girls came out, I just thought Lindsay Lohan was genius. I didn't understand how I could ever come close to that if they didn't let me start young. I've come to realize it's not a zero-sum game. When I see performances like Jennifer Lawrence's in Silver Linings Playbook, I think, 'God, what a great role.' But maybe, just maybe, she watches Girls and maybe, just maybe, she wishes she was on Girls.

[L.A. Times]

• Lindsay Lohan wants Charlie Sheen to stop offering to be her mentor. [TMZ]
• And LiLo's former assistant will be a key witness against her at trial. [Radar Online]
• Brendan Fraser, best remembered as the smokin' hot Vietnam vet in approximately 5 minutes of Now And Then, is going broke. [TMZ]
• Lana and Andy Wachowski are being sued for $300 million by a dude who says they stole the idea for The Matrix from him. [TMZ]
• Michelle Williams (the "Jack Twist? Jack NASTY!" one) wanted to be a boxer when she was a kid. [Express]
• "As a teenager I found life to be invariably disgusting." —Morrissey, malcontent. [Express]
• Shiri Appleby (i.e. Liz from Roswell) is pregnant with an (alien?!) child, in a bikini, on a beach. [Us Weekly]
• Russell Crowe might be dating his much-younger Les Mis co-star Samantha Barks. [Daily Mail]
• Pictures from Kate Middleton and Prince William's ski trip? I mean, I don't need to look at them, because I was actually THERE, but for you guys. [Daily Mail]
• Lea Michele and Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leaks appear to have a special bond. [People]
• As ever, Joan Rivers isn't sorry for her latest scandalous jokes. "If you want nice, go on Christian Singles and marry somebody." [Page Six]
• Anne Hathaway's con-artist ex-boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri is gunning for a presidential pardon, wants to "buy an energy company in Switzerland," still sounds totally sketchy. [Page Six]
• Rapper Fabolous says that Chris Brown is actually a nice guy zzzzzzz. [Page Six]
• Hey, bro. You want to see Jamie Lynn Spears' engagement ring? K. [Us Weekly]
• Tom Cruise's son Connor, Gene Simmons' son Nick and Magic Mike actor Alex Pettyfer are all best friends. The three best friends that anyone can have. [Page Six]
• Here's Kevin Hart as Quvenzhane Wallis on SNL. [NYDN]
• Superadorables Alexis Bledel and Jason Ritter will star as a couple on a new Fox comedy. [Vulture]
• Katie Holmes was not in her groove at her last Soul Cycle class. [Radar Online]
• Olivia Wilde tells Justin Bieber to put his fucking shirt on. [E!]

"As she sits drinking lavender lemonade,*" Taylor Swift tells Vanity Fair that everyone—including, and especially, other ladies in Hollywood—needs to shut the fuck up about how many penises are/may be in orbit around her:

"If you want some big revelation, since 2010 I've dated exactly two people. [...] For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that's taking something that potentially should be celebrated-a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way-that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist."

Swift, who covers the April issue of VF, adds that after so-called "Mean Girl" incidents—most recently, she says, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler mocking her love life at the Golden Globe—she recalls a quote Katie Couric ("one of [Swift's] favorite people") gave her: "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Oof.

*of course. [Just Jared, Vanity Fair]

Although T-Swizzle wouldn't speak on her exes, she authorized a source to do so. "[Harry] was all, like, ‘You're amazing – I want to be with you. I want to do this.'" Then a friend sent Swift a picture of Styles and some girl "making out like with their hands all up in each other's hair," and that was The Day The Trust Died. Riveting stuff. [Hollywood Life]

Dennis Rodman was thrown out of a hotel bar in Midtown right after visiting Kim Jong Un with other Harlem Globetrotters for an HBO/Vice special. "He kept saying what a nice guy Kim is, and how Kim just wants to talk to President Obama about basketball. He was waving around a signed copy of the dictator's huge manifesto, telling everyone they should read it." You know, if you guys were wondering what Dennis Rodman was up to these days. [Page Six]

"Jen would have liked to have done it at home in Los Angeles but it looks like that would be too difficult to keep quiet," a source told The Sun.

"She doesn't want to get married with photographers buzzing around her head in helicopters."

"Justin just adores Hawaii. It's his favourite place in the world and he has a little house on the island of Kauai," the source added.

"His cottage is too small to host the wedding and Jen thinks it has too many memories of his old flames anyway. But they both love the island and the idea of a laid back Hawaii wedding in the sunshine."

[Express]

The hip-ass couple comprised of Knocked Up's Jay Baruchel and The Newsroom's Alison Pill are no more. The two, who have been engaged since 2010, had plans to marry in Quebec in September. Judging by some Tweets that Baruchel has since deleted, it seems not-so-mutual.

The This Is the End actor hinted about their split on Twitter Feb. 16. "Alone again, naturally. Heartbroken," he wrote in a message that he later deleted. "I won't be on twitter for awhile gang. Getting dumped rules."

(He was back on Twitter the next day, natch.) [Us Weekly]

Brody Jenner, privileged Los Angeles gadabout and one-time cast member of The Hills, has heard the cries of the people. "We want your greasy smirkface back on reality television!" they cried. At last, he has acquiesced and will be appearing on new episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. His reps say that he "is joining the show but may not be in every episode. It depends on the storyline." Jenner has been "chilling" and "trying to figure out what to do with his life" since splitting from Avril Lavigne over a year ago. [Us Weekly]

Barbara Walters got chicken pox from Frank Langella. And, scene. [NYDN]

• Bradley Cooper didn't want to win an Oscar anyway, so there. [Us Weekly]
• Once again, folks: Mila Kunis is NOT gonna be in 50 Shades of Grey. [iDigital Times]
• Christian Bale might join Jennifer Lawrence in a movie called Ends of the Earth. [Indie Wire]
• Kate Winslet looks unsurprisingly gorgeous in this photo shoot for Bazaar. [NYDN]
• One Directioner Harry Styles has requested military security because he doesn't want to get hit in the nuts with another shoe onstage. [Capital FM]
• Prince Charles does his version of gushing about becoming a granddad: "It's a lovely thought and I look forward enormously to that relationship." Well, don't get all SLOPPY about it, Chuckles. [The Mirror UK]
• A former model from the 1960s is suing Mad Men producers for using an image of her in the opening credits without consent. [NYDN]
• Justin Bieber got a Batman-themed motorbike for his beeday. And yes, we are still discussing Justin Bieber's beeday. [Indian Express]
• Also, he was late to a London concert and got booed. [Us Weekly]
• Someone stole Freddie Mercury's burial plaque. [Express UK]
• The Who guitarist Pete Townshend is sorry that he told a 7-year-old girl to "fuck off" for holding up a sign that said "Smash Your Guitar, Pete." [NYDN]
• ZOMG: Adele bought her son Angelo a novelty "Best Son" Oscar to match hers. Dead now. [Express]
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline made nice at their son's soccer game. [E!]
• Erin Andrews snubbed 50 Cent on-camera but she feels bad about it. [Page Six]
• Billary Clinton had a romantic night in New York, just eatin' and strollin'. [Page Six]
• Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson wants a low key wedding: just Beyonce, the Obamas, and Pink ("doing aerial"). [Page Six]
• Warren Beatty and Annette Bening had dinner with Mick Jagger like fucking BOSSES. [Page Six]
• Jim Carrey is not a fan of dieting. [People]
• The Girls Next Door reality star Holly Madison is having her baby. For the next three days. FUuuu.. [People]
• I guess Morrissey is yelling at Beyonce now. [Us Weekly]
• Adrienne Maloof is definitely leaving the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [NYDN]

Although Kate Middleton and Prince William have only told their parents the sex of their baby, a slip of the tongue made it clear that Kate might be playing uteran hostess—I picture it as an upscale B&B, complete with L'Occitane bath products and tiny decorative soaps and a Jonathan Adler guestbook—to a tiny future Queen.

She was handed a teddy bear as a gift, and responded:

"Thank you, I'll take that for my d—" and then stopped herself.

Asked if she was about to say "daughter," all Kate would say was, "We're not telling,"

GAME-CHANGER. Especially since the new Succession the Crown bill decreed that their offspring would be heir to the throne regardless of his/her gender, a first in the long, fusty house of Wales. Personally, I think she was saying "dick." Like, her own. I'll take that for my dick. Middleton, out. [Newser]

If you feel like believing the Enquirer, Kate wants her party-hardy siblings Pippa and James Middleton to be the godparents but Queen Elizabeth is not into it.

Will the ostensible royal girl be called Lilibet? Libby? I still like Frogmella. [Hello! Magazine]

Valerie Harper, who played indomitable New York Jewess Rhoda Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and her own spinoff Rhoda, exclusively told People that she has been diagnosed with a rare form of terminal brain cancer called leptomeningeal carcinomatosis. Her doctors say she has less than three months to live.

The 79-year-old Harper, who previously battled cancer in 2009, says "I don't think of dying. I think of being here now." Fuck. It's the sidekicks that really get you choked up. [People]

Human pustule Donald Trump keeps forgetting that he's just a collection of teeth and hair and fancy charmless buildings and tiny food plated American Psycho-style and blatant, outdated sexism. Oh, The Donald! He took it to a new level on this week's Celebrity Apprentice:

Bret explains to his eventual executioners that, at one point, Brande "got down on her knees and passionately said, ‘I want to do this.'" The innuendo was too thick for a goon like Donald Trump to let the statement simply slide.

"Excuse me, you DROPPED to your knees?" Trump directs towards Brande.

"Yes," Brande responds.

"It must be a pretty picture. You dropping to your knees."

At which point he and noted slimeball Piers Morgan exchange looks and chuckles because that's what Real Men Say. But also, Bret Michaels was there? So basically it's all just a fever dream. [VH1]

Jon Stewart is taking a 12-week hiatus from The Daily Show to direct Rosewater, a political drama about a Canadian-Iranian journalist named Maziar Bahari who was accused of conspiring against the government and jailed in Tehran for four months. (Stewart adapted the screenplay from Then They Came for Me: A Family's Story of Love, Captivity and Survival, by Bahari and Aimee Molloy.) Daily Show contributor John Oliver will fill in for eight weeks until summer starts. [NYT]

"Elton John asked for an extra room in the hotel for some of his collection of glasses because he needs a temperature of 16C to preserve the accessories.''

My gif is my song and this one's for you. [Contact Music]

• Lisa Vanderpump and Adrienne Maloof are opening feuding restaurants that you probably will not eat at, ever. [TMZ]
• Warm, welcoming children's performer DMX is being sued by a club. [TMZ]
• Justin Bieber called his ex Selena Gomez to whine about his terrible birthday but she was not having it. [Hollywood Life]
• Edward Furlong was sentenced to six months in jail for violating his 2010 probation. [USA Today]
• Carrie Fisher will be reprising her role as Princess Leia in the next Star Wars. [HuffPo]
• "They don't like Givenchy Kanye. They don't like Kanye in a kilt. They don't like Kanye in a relationship." —Kanye on what we do and do not like about Kanye, during a call in to Hot 97. [Billboard]
• Kristen Stewart may have been a sullen lil' flirtini with Patrick Schwarzenegger. [Radar]
• Taylor Swift is afraid of ending up "awful, intolerable" and alone:

  "Laying in a marble bathtub by myself, like sad, with a glass of wine just complaining that my life ended up alone because I pushed everyone away because I thought I was too good to hang out with anybody. The typical Hollywood sad cliché of the poor lonely starlet with no one because she put up all these walls and didn't trust anyone. That's my fear. And that's why I live my life the way I live my life because I'd so much rather feel everything than end up like that."

  Oh, T-Swizzle. Fuck it, I LIKE her, guys. Always have, always will. [Mirror UK]

• On the bright side, if she ends up in that bathtub she can fill it with the $1 millon dollars she made off the sale of her Hyannis Port property, which she bought back when she was trying to moonwalk into Kennedyland/Camelot. Probably hidden in a shrub and moving occasionally when nobody was looking, like in cartoons. [E!]
• Speaking of which, Harry Styles stood up his latest model/potential girlfriend on a date. [Daily Mail]
• Ohmaaagaaad, this picture of adorable Taye Diggs and his adorable (x2) son in a Got Milk ad just broke my brain. [Contact Music]
• Cindy Crawford says that her marriage to Richard Gere didn't work out because "I was too young to be Mrs. Gere." Aren't we all? Like, metaphorically or something? [Zee News]
• Girls Next Door and Playboy Bunny reality star Holly Madison birthed a baby future subject of the male gaze girl. [People]
• Cuba Gooding Jr. is running around saying bizarre shit and calling himself "Dick McWilly" now, which is normal. [Page Six]
• The actual Neverending Story: Demi Moore is finally, finally filing divorce papers with Ashton Kutcher. [Page Six]
• Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy are still together. What the fuuuuck is that about. [Page Six]
• Anna Kendrick went on vacation in a cute black one-piece. [NYDN]
• Corey and Topanga's son on the Boy Meets World redux Girl Meets World has been cast. [TVLine]
• Kris Jenner does not want Kim Kardashian to quit Keeping Up With the Kardashians. What was the name of that 16th century Hungarian countess who bathed in the blood of girls in order to maintain her youth? Oh right, Kris Jenner. [Radar Online]

Kim Kardashian was rushed to an L.A. hospital in tears on Tuesday night after she felt something had gone awry with The (Second) Most Important Baby of Our Time, shortly after she got off a plane from Paris. (She was seeing a Givenchy show with Kanye West.) She's fine, fortunately, and was sent home the following day with some medical advice: Ironically, the woman famous for doing nothing to be famous for was advised to stop working so hard.

Quoth a source:

"Kim's not respecting her pregnancy. She's running around, working out seven days a week. She's working with two different trainers to control her weight, including Tracy Anderson and a pregnancy trainer. She's scared that her ass is as big as a couch and is going south, but she is having a very rough pregnancy, and doctors have ordered her to slow down."

So stop seeing so many Givenchy shows with Kanye West and "respect your pregnancy," Kim, whatever the fuck that means really. [Radar Online]

Chelsea Handler jumps into the Taylor Swift/Tina Fey/Amy Poehler/Athena the huntress/cartoon Charmin' bear fracas:

I think [Swift's] was a bold statement, but I'm not on anyone's side because I just don't care enough. I like that she's being that vociferous about something that she thinks they were out to get her. They were clearly making a joke just about her demeanor, which is embarrassing. I mean, she's just dated so many men.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it.' And they're like, 'Oh, well, forget it. Then I don't want to date you,' Every guy thinks they're going to devirginize her, and they're not. She's never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever."

So like, can we safely deduce that Everyone is Mean yet? Everyone is Mean. [Us Weekly]

Okay, so Justin Bieber might just be having a mini-tantrum, or he might be having a hardcore Network-style breakdown. I don't speak Famous Snack Cake in Extended Adolescence, so it's hard to tell. El Beebo unleashed a 13-tweet manifesto about rumors and drama and rumors and God and rumors and why his shirt was off that time:

rumors rumors and more rumors. nothing more nothing less. might talk about them 1 day. rt now im just gonna be positive. cant bring me down. im focused on the good things in life. im blessed and not forgetting it. im giving back every day for it. cant phase me. fake stories to sell papers i guess are part of the job. but im a good person. i know that. u cant tell me different. we know the truth as long as my family, friends, and fans r with me u can say whatever. we are all equal in God's eyes & we have a responsibility to each other.

So make up stories about fake fines and make no mention of the positive....or say when i came out of my show with my shirt off because after performing for 2 hours i might be sweaty i was going into a club (really?) or any girl i stand next to is my girl or that i dont care, or that i dont feel, or that a 19 year old going to a club in europe is wild...

and be careful of the judgement u pass but know this...im only judged by one power, and i serve him. so yeah I will continue being me. i will continue to serve, to perform, to care, to love, to smile, to dance, to play, to sing...and u are welcome to join, because i carry no hate. We got to much love for that. Im about the music.

The worst part is that he can't even join the Hollywood Bible study youth group because his ex Selena Gomez is in it. [HuffPo]

In middle school, some asshole girl gave Jennifer Lawrence invitations to her birthday party to hand out to other students, a party which our buddy J-Law was not invited to. "But that was fine, I just hocked a loogie on them and threw them in the trash can. Don't worry about the bitches - that could be a good motto, because you come across people like that throughout your life."

She also speaks on her reputation as a so-called regulation hottie: "As for being a sex symbol, I don't think of myself as sexy and, obviously, it's not true. I'm going to try to push that out of my mind because it makes me queasy." [Express UK]

MacArthur genius grant recipient Jessica Simpson confirmed on Jimmy Kimmel Live that she is having a male child.

The crazy thing is I never knew a wiener could make me nauseous," the 32-year-old said [...] "Well, I guess I just told the world that I'm having a boy! I can't believe I just did that, that was not planned … I just did it so crude, I feel awful!"

[Radar Online]

• Jennifer Lopez is on her grind trying to get her kids admitted to an exclusive L.A. kindergarten. [TMZ]
• Carrie Bradshaw and James Bond are Britain's top fashion icons. I want a crossoverrrrr. [Contact Music]
• Chris Brown had a fight with his bodyguard Big Pat. [The Hollywood Gossip]
• This dull Shia LaBeouf v. Alec Baldwin "email feud" is still going on. [NYDN]
• Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb are gonna have a baby via surrogate. [News.com.au]
• Kate Moss will cover Playboy's 60th anniversary issue. [Herald Sun]
• I like your new haircut, Naomi Watts. [People]
• Demi Lovato has a thirtysomething half-sister who (whom?) she's never met. [People]
• Tina Fey's not a big fan of mommy chat rooms. (Look, the recent Taylor Swift/Mean Girl drama notwithstanding, Fey does seem to have it out for women quite often. Let the comment rumpus start!) [Us Weekly]
• Kourtney Kardashian got kangs bangs. [Us Weekly]
• Paris Jackson and her adorable new haircut is a varsity cheerleader at her prep school. [NYDN]
• Hayden Panettiere might reunite with her New York Jets ex Scotty McKnight. [Page Six]
• Brooklyn Decker was cast in a CBS sitcom opposite noted ugly-crier James van der Beek. [Page Six]
• Here's Rihanna's basically bare ass. Oh, and Prada boots, please notice the Prada boots. [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe is a UFO believer, shocks approximately nobody. [Page Six]
• Selena Gomez is looking for an old dude to date in the wake of her relationship with "toxic toddler" Justin Bieber, says a friend. [Radar Online]
• But she does not get asked out a lot, I guess? [NYDN]
• Melissa McCarthy returns to SNL. [Us Weekly]
• Jenelle Evans' estranged husband was arrested for domestic assault. [Radar Online]

On a scale of 1 to Daddy Issues, Selena Gomez ranks among Sylvia Plath, Angelina Jolie and the daughter of the Dos Equis guy, if he has one. Not to mention, let's be honest, most of us.

She lightheartedly told Harper's that her divorced father used to spend quality time with her. Oh, did I say "her"? I meant "tits." She was there too, though.

"When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch [San Antonio] Spurs games. But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!' So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing."

Perhaps a partial explanation for her former relationship with non-threatening rice cake Justin Bieber? :-\ I mean, if dating him IS actually just like in his perfume ad, that kid would never go to Hooters. [NY Post]

After 16 and a half years on The View, veteran squawker Joy Behar is leaving the show for greener pastures: specifically, "an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe" (ZING), playwriting, and naturally, stand-up, which she says she's been neglecting. Say that now, Joy Behar. But when you're in the damp-floor basement of McNamee's Town Tavern on open mic night, doing a routine about menopause to Paul the real estate novelist and Davy who's stilll in the Navy and probably will be for life, talk to me then. [Deadline]

Honestly, can you think of a better celebrity threesome on a Mexican vacation than Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore? Apparently new moms Reese and Drew became friends over "losing the baby weight" (guh), while Cammie, who covers more of the tequila-and-regrets territory than the other two, can "work out all day and relax." Let's join them! I can't afford a plane ticket but I'm flapping my arms really hard right now. [Us Weekly]

Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Baldwin nee Thomas are having a girl, yet another baby that will undoubtedly be lost in the shadow of the Royal Baby. If Kimye's kid is The (Second) Most Important Baby of Our Time, does that make Female Baby Baldwin... third? IDK IDK. Feel free to throw more babies in the ring (though not literally please).

Rihanna's mom Monica got wind of her salacious Instagram and chewed her out on the phone.

"I'm not afraid of any person in this world, but my mother, I'm terrified of her. She called me two days ago and reeled me in about two naked pictures Melissa put up on Instagram – a sneak peek from a photo book she's making about me. She went crazy on me. I was, like, embarrassed. I felt like I got my ass whipped in front of my class at school. She humbled the fuck out of me."

[The Sun]

• Tina Fey did not want America to see her in her swimwear, but alas. "My nightmare came true and I was photographed in my bathing suit in Florida. Thankfully, I was mostly submerged. [...] It was at Disney World. I felt like it had to be another guest." [Us Weekly]
• Brangelina's vino got sold out in five hours. [NZ Herald]
• Anna Kendrick broke up with her boyfriend, director Edgar Wright. [Daily Mail]
• My personal role model Lily Tomlin doesn't care about marrying her longtime partner Jane Wagner: "You got to make hors d'eoeuvres and things like that." Fucking worrrrd. [Contact Music]
• James Franco got a pot leaf star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. [USA Today]
• He's also letting his students follow him around during the Oz press tour. [Contact Music]
• Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck's progeny is on its feet. [Us Weekly]
• Jay-Z closed the Atlantic City branch of the 40/40 Club. [MTV News]
• Justin Bieber's recovering in the hospital from his onstage oxygen scare. [People]
• He should give Kim Kardashian a call! They're both on bed rest right now: they can watch Frasier reruns together. [Us Weekly]
• Duuuude, and so is Kelly Osbourne. Drink more water, everybody. [NYDN]
• Vanessa Lachey describes "the baby blues" after she gave birth to son Camden. [Us Weekly]
• Solange Knowles did a set at MoMa and Bey was overheard telling her backstage that she was so proud of her sis that she "had to hold back tears." [Page Six]
• Mia Farrow retweeted some information about a break-up app that "eradicates" your ex and said "Wow! Am I too late?" She took it down when everyone was like ZOMG WOODY ALLEN. [Page Six]
• Demi Moore wants spousal support from Ashton Kutcher. [NYDN]
• The Hangover III trailer because that movie's happening. [The Life Files]
• Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford are all returning to the next Star Wars movie. [MTV]
• In Nicki Minaj's latest music video, she is topless and wearing star pasties. YOOOLOOOOO. [The Sun]
• Chris Brown flipped out at a valet attendant over a $10 charge. I know, shocking. [NYDN]
• Cee Lo: Loberace is the best thing you'll see all day. (LOL, "Loberace.") [The Life Files]
• Never mind, Grumpy Cat at SXSW is. [TMZ]

The dark sides of being Carrie Bradshaw, one can easily imagine, are as long as a grocery list: contributing to the materialistic culture of Manhattan! Perpetuating unrealistic standards of romance! Not being able to go to a bar in New York (Midtown or Murray Hill especially) without women bum-rushing you! Et cetera.

But Sarah Jessica Parker has just discovered another. Specifically, all that traipsing around Manhattan cobblestones in five-inch stiletto torture devices, which ran the gamut from high-end Manolos and Jimmy Choos to whatever Pat Field found in the $3 bin at Goodwill, has permanently fucked up her feet.

"For ten or so years, I literally ran in heels," Parker told Net-a-Porter's magazine. "I worked 18-hour days and never took them off. I wore beautiful shoes, some better made than others, and never complained."

"I went to a foot doctor and he said, 'Your foot does things it shouldn't be able to do. That bone there … you've created that bone. It doesn't belong there.'"

"The moral of the story is, the chickens are coming home to roost. It's sad, because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, 'You know what, we're really tired, can you just stop - and don't put cheap shoes on us?'"

Almost as damaging as the idea that ANYONE short of mayyyybe Andre Leon Talley would make $4 a word at Vogue. (Does someone make $4 a word at Vogue?!) [NYDN]

• Chris Brown was his usual charming self onstage at Emerson Theatre in Hollywood:

  "You gotta say that one thing to [your girlfriend]... Don't make me have to tell you again, that's my p***y, baby!... so you better not give it away! So every person in this motherf**king building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that s**t to her, or she might f**k another n***a."

  I know, he's just the kind of guy you want to have a soft-focus picnic in the quad with. *__* [Digital Spy]

• Just realized that the Drake/Breezy feud is totally the hip-hop version of Harry/Draco. Post slash fic in comments, pls. [TMZ]
• Elizabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View after nine years of solid wingnuttery. [Us Weekly]
• Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum is having a baby girl. [Us Weekly]
• One Direction star Louis Tomlinson sticks up for Justin Bieber: "I really do empathize with him." [Sugarscape]
• Lindsay Lohan was offered a 90-day house arrest in lieu of jail. Since she totally won't leave the house for 90 days, since it's what the law says, and she listens to the law. [TMZ]
• Rose McGowan broke her toe. [Contact Music]
• A year after his anti-gay slur, Brett Ratner's work on behalf of LGBT causes has earned him a GLAAD award this year. [L.A. Times]
• Lil' Kim is suing her lawyer for $1 million. [NYDN]
• Here's a video of Mariah Carey very Mariah Carey-ishly hawking her new fragrance Dreams (By Mariah Carey). [Bossip]
• Holly Madison named her new baby girl Rainbow Aurora, may as well named her The Kids on the Back of The Bus in 7th Grade Won't Stop Teasing Me. [USA Today]
• Mila Kunis relies on her friends to keep her from acting like a "bitch." [tv3.ie]
• Billy Zane's not gonna take his daughter on the Titanic replica, nope, nope, nope. [People]
• Kristin Cavallari didn't want Jay Cutler to see anything below the waist while she was giving birth, but the delivery nurse was like, "Fuck that shit, he's gonna hold your leg." [People]
• Ariel Winter's body insecurities were heightened by her unsupportive mom. God, I just want to give this child a hug. [Us Weekly]

Actors Steve Carell, actress Olivia Wilde and actor Jim Carrey arrive at the world premiere of 'The Incredible Burt Wonderstone' during the 2013 SXSW Music, Film + Interactive Festival at the Paramount Theatre on March 8, 2013 in Austin, Texas. (Photo by Michael Buckner/Getty Images)