As is the case with many a dad/manager, I could have told you something was going on with former youth pastor and Baptist minister Joe Simpson. All those icky comments about daughter Jessica's breasts? That DUI he got in Sherman Oaks in August? His divorce from Tina, his wife of 34 years, late last month? Supposedly, that "something" is that Joe came out of the closet to his family two months ago and told them it wasn't fair to anyone to keep denying his interest in men. A source close to the family says that the 54-year-old Simpson is now involved with a 20-year-old man. Cue awkwardest Simpson family Christmas ever. [Radar Online]

Christina Applegate and her fiance Martyn LeNoble are being harassed and threatened by a crazy Twitter stalker. "You stole [Christina] away from me. If not for you she would be mine. I will not accept this. I am going to kill you!!!!!!!!!" The LAPD is working to obtain a warrant for Twitter headquarters in San Francisco. [TMZ]

Promotional images of Megan Fox modeling in gossamer drawers for a Sharper Image ad campaign, shot in April (while Fox was five months pregnant with her new son Noah), have been released in an exclusive preview by Us Weekly. The first time Fox modeled for the brand was in the spring. "I have always been a bit of a gadget geek and into different types of technology," she said. "The campaign is a good fit for me because I love electronics." I mean, the marketing campaign is called "Guys Love Gadgets," but otay. Click through for shots. [Us Weekly]

Prince had a secret concert in L.A., so don't be surprised when everyone in America wakes up mysteriously pregnant. [Page Six]

• Downton Abbey's Michelle Dockery broke up with her boyfriend. [Us Weekly]
• Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez also split. [NYDN]
• "She's still naughty in sexual ways. I mean this is not exactly an Angel of Mercy." —Brad Pitt on Angelina Jolie. YEAH WE GET IT, BRAD. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss gives decorating advice to One Directioner Harry Styles, whose inclinations otherwise would run to "Legos!" and "peanut butter handprints!" [Monsters and Critics]
• Rihanna and Chris Brown went as a pair to Breezy's new website launch party in Beverly Hills. The URL is www.UncomfortableWithThis.biz. [SFGate]
• Meanwhile, Brown's ex Karrueche Tran still wants him back. I've asked this once, and I'll ask it again: IS Chris Brown's penis made of magic? [TMZ]
• Bobby Brown got his second DUI on Wednesday. [Radar Online]
• New ANTM judge Rob Evans is wanted for assault with a deadly weapon. Smize for the mugshot! [TMZ]
• Michelle Williams leaves her former home with Heath Ledger to move in with Jason Segel. [Daily Mail]
• Madonna ate it during a Dallas concert. [VH1]
• Apparently Michael Lohan tried to get Dr. Drew involved in the whole Let's Make Lindsay Go To Rehab thing, but he declined. [TMZ]
• LiLo also stole $15k of clothes from the Scary Movie 5 set. Kind of amazing their costume budget was that high. [Radar Online]
• Ann Coulter, considered an articulate force by many of the right wing, won't stop using the word "retard" no matter how many people tell her to. [TMZ]
• This one jumpsuit Jennifer Lopez wears during her concerts always produces a nipple slip! Every time. [E!]
• Drew Barrymore strolllllled around with her husband Will Koppelman after popping out daughter Olive in late September. [People]
• Susan Sarandon is ambivalent about marriage, she told Katie Couric. [People]
• Some girl from Teen Mom 2 is pregnant with her third child. [Us Weekly]
• Emma Watson's gonna be back at Brown in the winter. [Us Weekly]
• Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend Erin Heatherton got cramps and couldn't go to an event at Cipriani where DiCaprio's ex Bar Rafaeli was supposed to be. [NYDN]
• Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez's friendship was cauterized by simultaneous Jonas brothers breakups. Thug lyfe. [Hollywood Life]

During the Lufti/Spears trial, Sam Lufti let this slip: "[Courtney Love and I] are currently working on a possible motion picture or Broadway musical based on the Nirvana catalogue, based on her life and Kurt Cobain's." However, because Lufti is skeezier than the stuff that falls between the wall and your bed and lives there forever, we can safely assume this means maybe just Love is currently working on a possible movie or musical based on the Nirvana catalogue.

Reportedly it's been the Hole frontwoman's dream to show people her side of the story in order to de-Yoko when it comes to Cobain, although Love did sell a significant chunk of her rights to the Nirvana catalogue back in 2006. Still, I smell the new RENT! Can't wait for all the 15-year-old drama nerds to go around singing "Heart-Shaped Box!" with too much vibrato! [NYDN]

Rev. Jesse Jackson was arrested yesterday at a protest in Freeport, Illinois, at a soon-to-close plant that would cost many townspeople their jobs. He was released along with the other protesting workers in custody. Jackson says that despite this setback, the protest will continue next week. [Washington Post]

According to Skyfall star Naomi Harris as well as rumors of yore, Idris Elba is in talks to be the first black James Bond. Yes please. [Cinema Blend]

• Ashley Greene and her boyfriend Reeve Carney broke up. [Us Weekly]
• Lookit Katy Perry's ballot dress! [Just Jared]
• Jon Hamm and Jessica Paré wore swimsuits. IN HAWAII. Whodathunkit. (They're shooting Mad Men.) [Daily Mail]
• Noo! The Scissor Sisters are on indefinite hiatus. [Gigwise]
• Some more shots of Nicole Kidman as Grace Kelly for that biopic. [Daily Mail]
• Demi Moore made up with Rumer Willis after Demi's daughers had given her the silent treatment for months. [Daily Mail]
• Mariah Carey had an eight-hour, $1,500 massage. It's the simple things in life for Mimi. [Us Weekly]
• P Diddy was in kind of a serious car crash but was only slightly injured. [Opposing Views]
• Adam Levine apparently spend most of his time on American Horror Story fake-sexing up Channing Tatum's wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum, and liked it. [People]
• "I go to the Gentle Barn and hang out with turkeys. I tickle them under the wings and I sit them on my lap, and I feed them pumpkin pie." —Pamela Anderson's alternative to eating Thanksgiving turkeys. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Esposito's fighting to get back on Blue Bloods after being ousted. [Page Six]
• Basically just this picture of Sarah Jessica Parker and Kanye West. [NYDN]
• And look at baby Kanye in 1998 at Jermaine Dupre's birthday party! (1:52) [The Life Files]
• Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz bought Eddie Murphy's $12 million dollar New Jersey house. [NYDN]
• Scarlett Johansson did a reshoot for a movie in Scotland in a brown wig that looks great, but when does she ever not look great? [NYDN]
• R-Patz regales us of stories of attempting to depict the Greatest Vampire Sex Ever in a PG-13 movie. ("You literally have to give a face of ecstasy. I don't think guys' faces are designed to do that.") [Extra TV]
• When Susan Boyle hears ABBA's "The Winner Takes It All," she thinks about her ex-boyfriend. See, I think about Meryl Streep screaming it into Pierce Brosnan's face on top of a mountain. [Monsters and Critics]
• The Simpson family sorrrta denied the Joe Simpson gay rumors without directly addressing them. [People]
• And yet, rumors persist. [Radar Online]

Next time you're in a Walgreens or a Duane Reade and you see that bizarre Taylor Swift display with the swag and the CDs and shit, offer your condolences to her 2-dimensional cardboard likeness, for she and Conor Kennedy are no more. Apparently the two "quietly parted ways awhile ago" and "it was a distance thing." Reports abounded throughout their relationship that Swift was only into Kennedy because she was such a Camelot fangirl; there was even a rumor that she made out with his cousin Patrick Schwarzenegger.

However, however, another source reports that the two ultimately split because 18-year-old Kennedy got freaked the fuck out by the gale-force wind of Taylor Swift's love. "She's ready to find the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with," continues the source. "But unfortunately, she thinks every man that gives her butterflies is that person." Live and learn, Tails. Can't wait to hear the upcoming single "Kennedon't Ever Call Me Again." [NYDN, Radar Online]

Nevertheless, our Tails persists in buying the house in Hyannisport. You can take the Kennedy out of the girl, but you can't take the girl out of the Kennedys. Or something. [TMZ]

Oh and and AND the Kennedy clan just announced they plan to honor Swift along with two others at the Robert F. Kennedy Center just hours after she and Conor broke up. Whoops. [Page Six]

• Pippa Middleton hosted a kids' Halloween shindig. [People]
• Atlanta's Real Housewife NeNe Leaks (better call a plumber!) might be reuniting with her ex-husband. [People]
• Chris Brown's staying at the recording studio late and distracting Rihanna from finishing her album. [The Sun]
• Britney Spears' former nanny backs her up during the Sam Lufti trial by saying there was no meth in the house. [TMZ]
• Michael Phelps had an unfortunate crowdsurfing accident and someone took video, which is the second worst thing that happened to Phelps this year (the first is Ryan Lochte). [TMZ]
• Anne Hathaway sang some songs from "Cabaret" while dressed as Sally Bowles at Joe's Pub. All your musicals are belong to Anne Hathaway. Page Six]
• Reese Witherspoon's gonna duet in ways that feel good with Michael Buble. [Opposing Views]
• Jonah Hill is single and on the prowl, apparently—having broken up with Dustin Hoffman's daughter Ali last month. [Page Six]
• Julianne Hough's first crush was her boyfriend Ryan Seacrest. [NYDN]
• A play based on the life of Amy Winehouse is coming. [Rolling Stone]
• One of the homeless guys in that tacky Bielberlake wedding video is pissed about it. [NYDN]
• This picture of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as Star Wars characters back in 2008. [Daily Mail]
• Rod Stewart says, "I have never orally pleasured even a solitary sailor." Try saying that five times fast! Or just eat breakfast. [Digital Spy]
• This picture of Jane Lynch and Russell Brand kissing on Leno gives me the weirds. [Facebook]

Apparently "the gay community of Hollywood" isn't surprised by the rumors that Joe Simpson has come out to his family after the dissolution of his three-decade marriage, because some 21-year-old punk-ass West Hollywood kid has been going around and "boasting" about dating the 54-year-old former youth pastor for at least the last year. Aspiring male model-slash-actor Bryce Chandler Hill allegedly met Simpson through Britney Spears backup dancer TJ Espinoza, a friend of Ashlee and Jessica's, and has been using him and their trysts to climb the showbiz ladder. A source says "The sad thing is that [Bryce] mocks and laughs at Joe behind his back. He doesn't care for him in the same way Joe does about him." Well, fuck you very much, Bryce Chandler Hill, because now I've gone from being blissfully ambivalent about this whole thing to being emotionally invested in Joe Simpson's search for sedate, mature middle-aged love. [Radar Online]

As for Joe's rather extreme makeover: he dyed his hair blonde and went out in a bright yellow sweater, matching sneakers and black skinny jeans. [TMZ]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart looked "completely in love" at a Prince concert but that's just what happens at Prince concerts. [Page Six]
• Despite her "heroin chic" moniker, Kate Moss says she's never touched the stuff. [Daily Mail]
• Cheers alumni Kirstie Alley and Rhea Perlman will reunite in a pilot called Giant Baby, which unfortunately is not about a massive mutant newborn. [Deadline]
• Well, shit, Lil Wayne took another trip to the ER after "seizure-like" incidents in his private plane. Someone give Weezy some chicken soup and flat ginger ale. :/ [NYDN]
• Back in the '70s, class act Rod Stewart used to put cocaine in his butthole. [NYDN]
• Rapper Lil Reese is in serious trouble after a cell phone video of him viciously beating a woman circulates. [NYDN]
• Kellan Lutz gets his jollies by helping old ladies at the grocery store, says Kellan Lutz, sounding rather like Cruel Intentions' Sebastian Valmont's fake-enthusiastic bullshit after his trip to the nursing home. ("She had such great life stories, and I had fun lifting the bags she had.") [Page Six]
• Josh Duhamel and Ashton Kutcher were male model rivals in 1997 and there is a picccctureeeee. BLUE STEEL. [Us Weekly]
• Check out Adam Levine's $4.8 million Beverly Hills fuck den. [Celebuzz]
• Courtney Stodden and Real Housewife Alex McCord fought on the set of VH1's Couples Therapy. I've never cared less about a sentence. [Inquistr]
• Taylor Swift and her feelings are going on a 58-date US and Canada concert tour. [E! Online]
• Johnny Depp performed Y-M-C-A with a "drag tribute" to the village people at Sir Elton John's partner David Furnish's birthday party. [The Sun]
• Leighton Meester cut her hair. It's—wait for it—shorter. [People]
• Lily Allen's pregnant on her "African babymoon." [Us Weekly]
• This woman went deranged after a breakup and hoarded 88 rabbits. Whaaat the fuck. [Digital Spy]

Sometimes Pixar loglines just write themselves. This is one of those times. Pipsqueak the 8-day-old pygmy goat is too small to hang out with the other goats, so house dogs Gizmo and Q-Tip (GIZMO! And Q-TIP!), whose puppies are Pipsqueak's age, are fostering and nurturing her. Right now the action is basically just limited to nuzzling and stuff, but soon she'll be looking to play with her "siblings." Daaaawwww.

[via Buzzfeed]

Hardly revelatory news that cigarettes are bad for you, but UK researchers have found new data after completing their One Million Women Study, published in The Lancet: quit before you're 30, or even 40, and you'll tack another 10 years onto your life. 1.2 million women aged 50 to 69 participated in the study, which included a series of the same lifestyle questions asked three years apart and a subsequent 12-year followup, during which 66,000 women passed away. Of the group, 20% of the women were smokers, 28% were ex-smokers and 52% had never smoked.

The women who were still smoking by the second round of questions were almost three times more likely than non-smokers to die during the next nine years. Furthermore, the risk of future illness and fatality came with "light" smokers as well (one to 9 cigarettes per day). These women were twice as likely to die during the study than their non-smoking counterparts. Quit! Quit now! I smoke five a day, and I do yoga, and I feel disgusting. We'll quit together. Sound good?

'The 21st century hazards of smoking and benefits of stopping: a prospective study of one million women in the UK' [The Lancet]

Image via Lucky Business/Shutterstock

When it comes to Planned Parenthood funding in Arizona and Texas, stalling looks to be the name of the game: notably, both states are seeing the women's health provider taking their respective state policymakers and governors to court in order to buy some time before they're excluded from state-funded health plans and go the way of the dinosaurs. Last week Planned Parenthood's restraining order tactic was successfully deployed in the Grand Canyon state, and although it's hardly a victory, it is a quiet success that women can continue to use their clinics as a resource for the time being.

After losing their request for a rehearing in federal appellate court Thursday, Planned Parenthood was granted a restraining order on their exclusion from Texas' Medicaid Women's Health Program. Earlier in the month, Governor Rick Perry cut 28 Planned Parenthood clinics and 71 other health centers, physicians, and family planning clinics for providing, referring, suggesting or dropping the vaguest hint that "smashmorshion" was a thing; the fact is that Planned Parenthood in particular provided care for 50% of WHP members and didn't even provide abortions.

The governor responded to the lawsuit exactly the way you'd think: "If there was ever any doubt that Planned Parenthood is more concerned about its own interests than those of Texas women, there is no longer. Having lost on its constitutional claims, Planned Parenthood has now turned to Travis County judges in a desperate effort to find some way to keep making money off Texas taxpayers." (He likely then went on to sip iced teas with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer in rocking chairs on the axis of evil.)

The judge who granted the restraining order warned that if Texas goes through with kicking Planned Parenthood out of the WHP, which would almost certainly leave the state's low-income women with few or no heath options, the state had better stop taking the nearly $36 million federal funding that covers the Women's Health Program. The next hearing in the case, during which Planned Parenthood will request a more permanent (still temporary!) injunction, is scheduled for November 8th.

'Planned Parenthood wins restraining order on Women's Health Program' [Houston Chronicle]

An intrepid tipster (thanks, Jen!) has alerted us to one particular item in Claire's, that shopping-mall bastion of cheapo headbands and Best Friend necklaces favored by Youngs across America. Top your cell phone with this adorable mustache charm, suggests the description for this rather familiar-shaped charm. Look closely, and perhaps you too will note that it appears to have contraception, which is admittedly a good subliminal lesson for kids to learn.

Without ado, an excerpt from Judy Blume's Forever:

In books [mustache cell phone charms] are always described as hot and throbbing but his [mustache cell phone charm] felt like ordinary skin. Just the shape was different-that and the fact that he wasn't smooth, exactly-as if there was a lot going on under the skin. I don't know why I'd been so nervous about touching his [mustache cell phone charm]. Once I got over being scared I let my hands go everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of his [mustache cell phone charm.]

Chaka Khan backstage at the GQ Men of the Year Award at Komische Oper on October 26, 2012 in Berlin, Germany. (Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images for GQ)

In the two days since Upper West Side nanny Yoselyn Ortega stabbed two of her young charges and herself, there's been a firestorm of responses to the tragedy: a critical eye on working mothers and a new misgiving for children's caregivers — one UWS nanny remarks, "Parents are looking at you as though you're responsible for what happened." Another weighs in: "I do think child care providers sometimes walk around with a lot of anger toward their employer... People ask them to do ridiculous things beyond the care of children. Then they get overworked and frustrated in the same way that a parent gets overworked."

Yesterday "Life With The Little Krim Kids," 50-year-old New York art teacher Marina Krim's account of travel, work, and raising her kids Leo, Lucia and Nessie in New York, was deleted by Krim and her husband. It was on this blog that Mrs. Krim lovingly detailed the clan's trip to the Dominican Republic to meet Ortega's family. Her last post on the blog was merely three hours before Ortega committed the murders, and it's pretty fucking heartbreaking:

"Leo speaks in the most adorable way possible," she wrote. "Firstly, he speaks super clearly, so you can understand every word is he is saying. And he does things like, "(I) want a fresh bagel" and "Dito (what he calls himself) wants cold milk" and most adorable of all, "No thank you" - he never uses "No" alone, it's always paired with "thank you."

Afterwards, the blog became a place for almost 400 people to leave their condolences and prayers for the Krim family until it was removed from the Internet, probably due to all the media scrutiny.

'Mother's blog serves as haunting tribute to Manhattan stabbing victims' [NY Post]
'Marina Krim's Blog Pulled, Was A Saddening Tribute To Slain Krim Kids' [Inquisitr]
'Yoselyn Ortega, Alleged Killer Nanny In Krim Children Murders, Case Stuns New York Parents' [HuffPo]

Hey, remember Hurricane Irene? Or that Polly-Pocket-sized New York earthquake that I completely didn't notice because I was too busy taking a shit? (That's true.) Sound the alarms, for the next natural disaster is upon us: the potential convergence of Hurricane Sandy with two other winds—one strong cold front from Canada and something from the West called a mid-latitude trough—which weather experts suggest might be as intense and destructive as 1991's Perfect Storm and hits us on Monday.

Sandy is a Cat. 1 Hurricane again. Cannot stress how dangerous and devastating this storm could be instagr.am/p/RSZEXVQCLF/

— Al Roker (@alroker) October 27, 2012

(Best dumb-funny response from one random Twiter user: @alroker must be one giant cat.)

More likely it will result in the same aimless, study hall-ish boredom that many New York residents can recall from Irene, but until then, Twitter is rife with #frankenstorm and #sandy hashtags as Northeastern Seaborders hunker down with an afghan and Instant Netflix. Some constructive things you can do with your time? Let's see.

• Visit the addictive virtual makeover website Taaz.com and give yourself a horrific celebrity look, like "troglodyte Julia Roberts."
• Sort through and throw out your grossest pairs of underwear.
• If you have to brave the storm, pretend you're Catherine from Wuthering Heights rushing dramatically through the blustery moore, searching for Heathcliff, instead of a puffy-coated crone on the express line at Duane Reade with three impractical items (e.g. Frosted Flakes, Sutter Home, Tiger Beat).
• Stormsex. (Note: All babies conceived during Frankenstorm will possess deity-like elemental powers.)
• Gather three friends: "HAIL TO THE GUARDIANS OF THE WATCHTOWERS OF THE EAST."
• Buy some cute but fucking overpriced but SO CUTE plates on the Internet.
• Pray for Dourtney the dog.
• Drink with your friend.
• Fight with your friend.
• Make up with your friend.
• Get your period. Or don't.
• Mature, slowly and imperceptibly.
• Make the final decision on whether Kyle MacLachlan is sexy-weird or just weird.
• Watch all of the BBC's underrated Pulling. This is serious. You need to do this.

• Frankenstorm soundtrack suggestions:
  "Shelter From The Storm," Bob Dylan
  "The Hurricane," Bob Dylan
  "Back Dat Azz Up," Juvenile

  Image via Todd Hale

Presidential candidate Roseanne Barr (Jesus, typing that) has come under fire from the trans community after one of her Twitter followers referenced Jill Stein's support for trans rights—"[Stein] is also in favour of letting men into spaces where little girls get changed"—Barr tweeted back: "If she has a penis, she is not allowed in." After that received a fair amount of scrutiny from Twitters' trans users (and calling one a "woman hater"), Barr pushed it further. "Women do not want your penises forced in their faces or in our private bathrooms. Respect that FACT."

That's when shit really hit the fan. One angry user Tweeted: @TheRealRoseanne, I'm extremely disgusted in your transphobic behaviour. I HAD a lot of respect for you. You are no ally." And some of Barr's tweets about the gay community do read a little off-center. "I remember when the LGBT community stopped supporting NAMBLA," reads one. Another: "I was instrumental in forcing lgbts to dis include (sic) man boy love as part of their program."

I can't help but think that lots of these trans women sound like the worst red necked woman haters I grew up around in SLC Utah.

— Roseanne Barr (@TheRealRoseanne) October 27, 2012

Barr has been a polarizing figure in feminism and entertainment for years; here's the most telling aside in a 1995 profile of her by John Lahr for the New Yorker:

Despite her obvious intelligence and authority, there is something cadaverous about Roseanne, a deadness that only rage and laughter can banish. Something has been murdered in her, and this is palpable in the flatness of her voice, the slouch of her body, the quicksilver shifts of mood from bombast to gloom, the timidity and detachment behind her eyes.

In summation, Roseanne's nuts! Ugh, sorry.

'Roseanne Barr gets into a twitter fight over comments about transgendered people' [ONTD]

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - OCTOBER 27: Patrick Lambie during the Absa Currie Cup final match between The Sharks and DHL Western Province from Mr Price KINGS PARK on October 27, 2012 in Durban, South Africa. (Photo by Steve Haag/Gallo Images/Getty Images)

On this day in 1872, Emily Post was born. Then she gave a bunch of people some good tips on how not to slurp your soup, and then in the '60s she passed away. All of Post's descendants seemed to have also successfully dabbled in etiquette careers. Above, she narrates a 1947 instructional video on table manners, and here is a cheeky little advice column wherein she advises teenage ladies to be pimps, too, go on, brush your shoulders off, except in nice flowery old-timey language.

Have a nice, polite Saturday night!

Today in unbaby news, after taking a stroll with Ashton Kutcher during which she displayed "significant roundness in the stomach area" over the weekend, Mila Kunis immediately got the baby-bump media treatment. Can we expect Ashmi spawn in the next 9 months?! What will they name her?! When will I get another job, and why can't I stop drinking, and should I put on pants?! exclaimed everyone. A few hours later, Kunis' spokeswoman came back with the unsurprising answer to the first question.

She is not expecting.

Congratulations, Mila!!!!! You're having an unbaby!!!!! Click through for the bump in question. [Daily Mail]

As a citizen of Hurricane Sandy's Zone B, it makes me nervous that Lindsay Lohan is daring the gods of weather. She has taken to Twitter to alternately mock the Frankenstorm and attempt to soothe her fans.

WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i'm calling it Sally)..? Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace.

— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) October 29, 2012

Later, she refers to it as "Hurricane Sassy." Probably by 10 PM she will be referring to it as "HEY HURRICANE FUCKFACE, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" and then my cat and I will drown. Pray for us. [Daily Mail]

Our favorite fake president Martin Sheen is not a fan of Mitt Romney's: "He is, in essence, a very arrogant, very successful businessman [who] believes in unreined free enterprise. He doesn't have a clue what 99 per cent of the people are going through. He's never lived on that level. He's never had to compete for a job or face eviction or struggle to get a college loan. He's a guy that the old phrase applies to: 'he was born on third base and thought he hit a triple... They say this kind of rhetoric that I'm doing right now is advocating class warfare, but that's nonsense. There is no class warfare; the war ended a long time ago and the poor lost very badly." I bet he'd love this! [HuffPo]

Jamie Bell and Evan Rachel Wood are likely to marry this week after a little under a one-year engagement, according to eyewitnesses who saw the two holding hands and waiting in line at the Beverly Hills County marriage license office last week. The two first dated briefly in 2006 and then got back together in 2011. Also worth noting that they may have met while filming the video for Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" in 2005, so there's that. [Radar Online]

Rihanna sent Adele some cute, sassy baby gifts! Two onesies with slogans: "My mum is a rockstar" and "Just done nine months inside," as well as some lingerie for Mom with a card that reads "You gotta stay sexy, yummy mummy. Enjoy yourself. Congrats!!!" Guysssss. [The Sun]

• Today in "sentences that would mean nothing to your mother," Ellie Goulding and Skrillex broke up. [Monsters and Critics]
• Liam Neeson broke up with his girlfriend too. [Ace Showbiz]
• Elizabeth Taylor has overtaken Michael Jackson as the highest-earning dead celebrity. They were friends in life so it's probably OK. [Time]
• Tom Cruise's neighbor got drunk and poked around his yard and got arrested. [Washington Post]
• For her birthday, Lourdes Leon got an Upper East Side apartment from her mom Madonna. [Daily Star]
• Paul McCartney doesn't want you to blame Yoko Ono for the Beatles' split. [NME]
• Christina Hendricks in a red glitter dress, holla. [Daily Mail]
• Johnny Depp gave Kate Moss this advice about fame back when the two were dating: "Never complain, never explain." [Hollywood]
• Burt Reynolds regrets posing nude for Cosmo in the 1970s because he says it cost him an Oscar for Deliverence, and yet, worth it? [Contact Music]
• This is Urrrsher's $12,000 goldendoodle, which he won at a charity event (beating Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr). [Us Weekly]
• Drew Barrymore made her first appearance since giving birth to Olive at a LACMA benefit. (I mean, that's where her appearance was. Not where she gave birth.) [People]
• Angelina Jolie took her kids Halloween costume shopping in L.A. Note Shiloh's face. [Us Weekly]
• OK, I'll be the one to admit that Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest were a great Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween. There. [Us Weekly]
• Evelyn Lozada wants the no-contact rule against her abusive husband Chad Ochocinco Johnson to end. [TMZ]
• Toni Braxton is in trouble for transferring almost $60,000 into her husband's bank account in order to get away with skipping out on paying back creditors in her bankruptcy case. [TMZ]
• "Timbaland and T.I. enjoying southern BBQ chicken, mac and cheese and corn bread with NeuroSun cocktails while watching Game 3 of the World Series" sounds so FUN. [Page Six]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still having "trust issues" and blah blah, we need the eggs, blahdeeblah. [Daily News]
• For Halloween, Kim Kardashian was Daryl Hannah-as-mermaid from Splash in a $2,000 wig. [NYDN]
• And Emma Roberts went as Aunt Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman. [NYDN]
• Adam Levine gets protective of Christina Aguilera when the media scrutinizes her weight. [NYDN]

Single women are the fastest-growing voting population in the country: 55 million unmarried women will be voting in the upcoming election, and it goes without saying that they're not being courted by Romney/Ryan. When Ann Romney went off-script at the RNC to yell "I love you, women!" she later clarified that she was specifically addressing the "moms who always have to work a little harder, to make everything right."

This specificity is pretty indicative of the female voting split along marital lines: married women favor Romney 51 to 41%, while single women prefer Obama 63 to 23%. Obama's camp, on the other hand, has been targeting the group by releasing material like the Lena Dunham video, aimed at first-time female voters who are (ostensibly) in her unmarried demographic. On the flip side, there's this:

Bill O'Reilly, who obviously treasures the "Friend" half of the "Best Friend" charm necklace that he shares with ALL women, EVERYWHERE, knows just how important the single lady vote is. He makes this clear by sending O'Reilly Factor correspondent Jesse Watters on a smirky man-on-the-street poll of 35-or-younger white women in sexy costumes out partying on Halloween night in New York. The women (or, judging by what Watters addresses, the womens' cleavage) are split about evenly between Romney and Obama (which is kind of amazing in itself) and their answers are, of course, edited at the producers' discretion. At one point, Watters asks one woman sardonically: "You're like, a radical feminist, right?" Also spliced in are clips of sexy women in bars from movies.

At the end of the , O'Reilly jokes that Watters "never came back from the assignment." WINK. Get it? Because he spent all night doing It. With a Skanky Costume Girl.

‘On Election Day, Single Women Could Sway The Vote' [US News & World Report]
‘This Is What Bill O'Reilly Thinks of Single Women' [Slate/XX Factor]

Not since Cher (and let's face it, Cher's fun—not to mention part Cherokee) have we seen quite this level of stereotypical camp when it comes to Native American imagery in a music video: No Doubt has just pulled the cowboys-and-Indian-themed video for their second single "Looking Hot" after YouTube commenters informed them that they were "Looking Racist." The video features Gwen Stefani riding on a horse with a feather headdress and then being sexily tied up by some dudes dressed like cowboys (see screen grabs above). The band has released a statement of apology:

As a multi-racial band our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. Although we consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, we realize now that we have offended people. This is of great concern to us and we are removing the video immediately. The music that inspired us when we started the band, and the community of friends, family, and fans that surrounds us was built upon respect, unity and inclusiveness. We sincerely apologize to the Native American community and anyone else offended by this video. Being hurtful to anyone is simply not who we are.

NATIVE AMERICAN "EXPERT" AT UNSPECIFIED UC SCHOOL
Schlubby white dude, late 40s. Perusing the Internet, mouth full of food.
Oh, shit.

Feels like the opening gambit of a Gary Shteyngart novel, don't it? [E]

Although she only just divulged this in an interview with Hello! Magazine, Sharon Osbourne underwent a double mastectomy last summer after finding out she was particularly genetically susceptible to breast cancer. "I decided to just take everything off. For me, it wasn't a big decision. I want to be around for a long time and be a grandmother to [Jack Osbourne's new daughter] Pearl. It's not 'pity me.' [It's] a decision I made that's got rid of this weight that I was carrying around." [People]

Katy Perry and Rihanna are on the out because Perry thinks that Ri-Ri's decision to get back together with Chris Brown is "a huge mistake." Not that she's one to talk, considering Perry is currently on-and-off with this human taint, but the last time Perry and Rihanna really hung out in public was during the summer's MTV Awards. [Hollywood Life]

On the flip side, Perry's parents are also threatening to cut off communication with her until she stops seeing aforementioned taint John Mayer, who she is now seeing as "father material." Choose your choices, ladies. [Gossip Cop]

If you look close enough, Taylor Swift's feelings actually omit sparkly ectoplasm into the air. Here she is explaining her Red song "The Last Time," ostensibly an ode to Jake Gyllenhaal, to NPR: "My visual for this song is, there's a guy on his knees sitting on the ground outside of a door. And on the other side of the door is his girlfriend, who he keeps on leaving, and he keeps coming back to her, but then he leaves again. He's saying, ‘This is the last time I'm going to do this to you.' And she's saying, ‘This is the last time I'm asking you this: Don't do this again.'" Tailssssss. [NPR]

David Beckham has apparently been offered his own talk show. Flimsy yet acceptable excuse for a gif. [Daily Mail]

• Levi Johnston wore a butt-ugly vest to his wedding. [TMZ]
• TODAY IN MOMENTOUS DECISIONS, BEYONCE GOT STRAIGHT-ACROSS BANGS. [[Pop Sugar]
• Adele bought another house in Notting Hill. [MTV UK]
• After filming that porny music video, Miley Cyrus has gotten a $1 million offer to do an actual softcore porn video. [TMZ]
• Snooki Tweeted some shots of her (no makeup) with baby Lorenzo and Nicki Minaj congratulated her. [Gossip Cop]
• Marlee Matlin is pissed about Saturday's SNL skit about sign language. [MSN]
• Try not to stand directly under Gisele Bundchen for the next few minutes because it looks like she is about to shoot that kid out of her uterus like a BB gun. [People]
• Kim Kardashian likes "simple dates," which is why she had such a "simple" $10 million televised wedding and is now dating humble but honest beet farmer Kanye West. [Monsters and Critics]
• Lucy Camden from 7th Heaven is having her first kid; you are old. [People]
• Jack Nicholson has hung up his fuckmonster hat: "I am an extreme person. If someone says, 'Jack, you are a womaniser,' I don't deny it. But the life of a gigolo always ends badly. 'That is one of the reasons I feel uncomfortable about all that 'sex legend' stuff... I no longer have the energy to both work and fool around." [Monsters and Critics]
• Pitbull admits his music "isn't brilliant." How has he pulled the wool over our eyes for so long?! [tv3.ie]
• So Seal wore fingerless yellow gloves and yellow nail polish? We live in a democracy? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Aisha Tyler, who I love, is going to be on Glee! [Oh No They Didn't]
• Carly Patterson, Olympic gymnast, got married. [People]
• The New York tanning salon that Amanda Bynes supposedly walked around naked and disoriented in backs up Bynes and says that shit never happened. [Us Weekly]
• Kristen Stewart looked great at AFI's On The Road premiere. [Us Weekly]
• And Robert Pattinson was there, but left her alone to schmooze, undoubtedly being broody in a corner somewhere. [Page Six]
• R-Patz is also trying to quit smoking again at Leonardo DiCaprio's behest. [The Sun]
• Joe Simpson is definitely not gay, says Joe Simpson. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes' Broadway co-star Josh Hamilton is apparently crushing on her hard but she doesn't give a shit. [NYDN]
• A woman is allowed to sue Johnny Depp for damages after his bodyguards accidentally pantsted her. [NYDN]
• And the winning headline of the morning: "Marion Cotillard: 'I Will Never Return To A Sea World.'" [Toronto Sun]

Vote today, you guys! Vote! OK? Even if you're just a sycophant with no political leanings, vote because your favorite celebrities want you to. As Jay-Z substituted "Mitt" for "bitch" onstage during "99 Problems" at an Ohio rally for President Obama, Beyonce was at home writing a very nice letter to our president: "You are the reason my daughter and nephew will grow up knowing that they can truly be ANYTHING they want to be." She effusively signs it: "All my respect and adoration." [Beyonce]

Meanwhile, a Grantland writer informs Denzel Washington that Michelle Obama has a crush on him. "She said that?" Reporter: Yeah. "Cool." So you weren't like all charming with Michelle at some point? To where maybe she got it in her head... "No. Don't get me in trouble, man!" [Grantland]

There's a distinct possibility that Lindsay Lohan might be going back to the clink, as she's just been charged with lying to cops about her June car accident on Pacific Coast Highway (she claimed she wasn't driving her Porsche when it hit an 18-wheeler, but multiple eyewitnesses say that's bullshit). She's already on probation for that bizarre $100,000 jewelry heist, and they also found a bunch of pills in her car. I don't even. Somebody find Ms. Norbury. [TMZ]

Liam Hemsworth may have been canoodling with a blonde mystery human at a "Samsung Galaxy Note II Halloween party" (FREE FLIP PHONES FOR ERRYONE), and his fiancee Miley Cyrus was nowhere to be found. An onlooker reports that "it definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly." [Radar Online]

Kelsey Grammer has been dropped as a defendant in the prosecution of a Ponzi scheme that used his name and likeness for promotional material and allegedly gave kickbacks to Grammer as well as Bryan Williams and Richard Lewis, according to actress and plaintiff Lydia Cornell in a case known as Cornell v. "That fucking Frasier just needed more fancy ottomans." [Express]

Channing Tatum wins People's "Sexiest Man Alive" title this year. A sweep for Chay Tates. [Gossip Cop]

• Harry Styles, the randiest chicken nugget in One Direction, thought he got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex. [Daily Mail]
• After Sam Worthington got pepper-sprayed in Atlanta for a bar fight, he yelled "I'M A DEA AGENT" (which he is! In his next movie). Derp. [TMZ]
• At last, Taylor Lautner weighs in on Mommy and Daddy's divorce (a.k.a. the Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson cheating sitch). "To be honest, I've never been involved in any of those situations, so I don't know [if trust can be regained]. It would be just a guess and a shot in the dark, and I don't want to give that if I haven't even been there myself." [Hollywood Life]
• And so does unrelated party Dakota Fanning in a cover interview with InStyle. She says it's none of your damn business. [Daily Mail]
• After Kirstie Alley miscarried in 1990, the cast of Cheers was very supportive, everybody knew her name, etc. [Express]
• Also: she had an affair with Patrick Swayze. [Us Weekly]
• The two remaining members of TLC are planning a new album, fiiiinally. [Rolling Stone]
• Nope, no Nirvana musical for us, says Courtney Love. [Rolling Stone]
• Lil Wayne lost that absurd lawsuit against Quincy Jones for using Lil Wayne songs in a documentary about Lil Wayne that he originally agreed to. [TMZ]
• Heather Matarazzo, a.k.a. Dawn Weiner from Welcome to The Dollhouse, has split from her girlfriend/fiancee. [Us Weekly]
• Mischa Barton wore some ridiculous fucking lids. [Daily Mail]
• Like the rest of us, Jennie Garth is a little worried about her former co-star Amanda Bynes. [Monsters and Critics]
• Ke$ha sets the record straight: Never has she ever had sex with Justin Bieber. [HuffPo]
• Eddie Murphy is dating an Australian model named Paige Butcher, which phonetically totally sounds like BOOK KILLER. [HuffPo]
• Newlyweds Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell's hotel room got robbed. [HuffPo]
• My imaginary drunk-brunch mentor Mariska Hargitay and her SVU co-star Danny Pino dropped off donations at the Sandy-devastated Rockaways. [Page Six]
• Tom Arnold, the former Mr. Roseanne, will not be voting for Roseanne today, "but for God's sake, Obama, give Roseanne her pot. She's 60." [TMZ]
• Lady Gaga wore a bathing suit for the first time since everyone started yelling about her BMI. Let's focus exclusively on her awesome bikini though. [NYDN]
• Before rehab, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman got shitfaced on vodka-cranberry as her hairdresser gave her a Brazilian blowout and then forgot if she'd paid her or not. [Radar Online]
• A member of Jennifer Lopez's crew said she once fired and blackballed him for a year after rumors that he leaked information about her wedding to Marc Anthony—then took him back on like nothing happened, and they've never spoken about it. Good Lord, she'd be a scary boss. [Radar Online]

In which Melissa McCarthy, undoubtedly for the umpteeth time, is asked about her weight and how she feels about it: "Pretty much everyone I know, no matter what size, is trying some system. Even when someone gets to looking like she should be so proud of herself, instead she's like, 'I could be another three pounds less; I could be a little taller and have bigger lips.' Where does it end? Sometimes I wish I were just magically a size 6 and I never had to give it a single thought. But I am weirdly healthy, so I don't beat myself up about it — it wouldn't help, and I don't want to pass that on to my girls."

Dodai: IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA EVERYTHING IS AWESOME [Us Weekly]

It's not the first time that Sofia Vergara's fiance Nick Loeb was slapped with allegations of general dickishness, but it is worse than we thought: "He's treating Sofia more like a bank cash machine than a bride-to-be," says a source close to the couple, adding that Loeb wants to control Vergara's money and career and she's such a trusting, loving person that she can't see it. "Some of Sofia's friends think she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life." [Radar Online]

Rihanna and Chris Brown have a duet on her new album Unforgivable called "Nobodies Business." I'll give you three guesses what that is about, and if you actually need three guesses, get the hell off my lawn and away from my snacks. [Us Weekly]

Jennifer Lopez says she did not, in fact, fire a hotel maid in Germany for asking for an autograph, which the maid claimed in a German tabloid called Bild. J. Lo tweeted: "C'mon thought you knew me better than this.. Would never get anyone fired over an autograph. 1st I heard of this was on twitter.#hurtful" Well, yeah, I believed it. Sorry, Jenny. [E!]

New Les Mis trailer for all you dorks.

• A naked, pregnant Sienna Miller posed for a painting and heeeeeere it is. [HuffPo]
• Lindsay Lohan thinks she is embroiled in a police conspiracy. [TMZ]
• Speaking of totally-not-drunk car accidents, Bobbi Kristina smashed into Nick Gordon's new ride. [TMZ]
• Daniel Day Lewis went to get lunch with his Lincoln hair. Derpty doo. [Daily Mail]
• Harry Styles has an unfinished tattoo on his arm that says "Things I Can't," which is incidentally how I feel about this post because oh my God I have the worst hangover ever. [Daily Mail]
• Britney Spears will return to the judges table for the next season of The X-Factor. [Entertainmentwise]
• Scarlett Johansson on playing Janet Leigh in Hitchcock: "You have got to be brave, get into the shower, and face Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock jabbing you in the face with a 12-inch kitchen knife. As much as Anthony Hopkins is a pussycat, he's terrifying. Maybe I watched Silence of the Lambs too many times when I was a kid. Maybe I was having some flashbacks." [Digital Spy]
• Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are having three weddings, says Billy Ray Cyrus. [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, on the other hand, are taking their time. [Us Weekly]
• Sad: Cyndi Lauper had an uncle who died during Hurricane Sandy. [Page Six]
• Emma Watson delivered meals on wheels to the elderly and infirm. [Page Six]
• Johnny Depp and Amber Heard went out and were "flirty." [Page Six]
• Daniel Craig is already sick of being James Bond. Take a cue from Pierce Brosnan and ride that train all the way to the end of the line, bro. [Page Six]
• There are two new Housewives on the Beverly Hills installment of the franchise. [NYDN]

The National Enquirer, bastion of all legitimate-and-definitely-not-made-up-by-peoples'-greed-and-imagination news, reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's slinky, uber-sexual union is being torn asunder by, of all things, Tivo. Brad's allegedly pissed at Angelina for secretly recording episodes of her ex Jonny Lee Miller's detective series Elementary; she initially said she was curious to see Miller's acting and how he had aged (and told Brad the show was so bad she couldn't get through the first episode), but continued to tape the show behind his back. And the kids think Jonny is cool. Tough break. Nevertheless, I still believe that a few rounds of lion sex can solve any marital problem between two extremely rich Pretties. [National Enquirer]

Those crazy lovebirds also might be going to live in Sydney for a bit. [Herald Sun]

The trolls of Twitter emerged from under bridges and began savagely biting the legs of disappointed Romney/Ryan supporter Melissa Joan Hart shortly after President Obama won the election. One user called her "a fat, unbankable, untalented, uneducated, neo-con, bad mum, child star from the 80s." And more succinctly: "hey Sabrina, f**k you." [Starpulse]

Speaking of '90s teen icons who voted Mittens, Stacey Dash has released her very own political manifesto, which covers "sleeping, hanging chads, her baby, her DNA, Osama Bin Laden ... and she also refers to herself in the 3rd person." Click through for a PDF. [TMZ]

This is the video for H&M chanteuse and Brian Williams nemesis Lana Del Rey's "Bel Air," the closing single off her new EP. [YouTube]

• "In Hollywood, I'm obese. I'm considered a fat actress. I'm Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach... [I'll never lose weight for a part because] I don't want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I'm going to skip dinner.' That's something that I was really conscious of during training... I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong, not thin and underfed." —Jennifer Lawrence [Radar Online]
• Carrie Fisher wants to reprise her role in the new Star Wars movie. [TMZ]
• Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are feuding over their parents' divorce: Jessica's on Tina's side and Ashlee on Joe's. [Radar Online]
• A Ukranian pop star is saying that Carly Rae Jepsen jacked the tune of our nation's national anthem "Call Me Maybe" from her song. [TMZ]
• Jermaine Jackson is changing his last name to "Jacksun." Otay. [Bossip]
• India Arie says that Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone is offensive and looks "weird." [Radar Online]
• Never mind what her dad said, y'all, Miley Cyrus is having just one (1) wedding. [E!]
• Kirstie Alley says that Scientology pulled her out of cocaine addiction. (Semi-related: this entire time I have been confusing "Xenu" with "Xanadu.") [Express]
• Jennifer Hudson and Seal will perform at the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize Concert. [Ace Showbiz]
• Bobbi Kristina and Nick Gordon got matching tattoos of Whitney Houston's initials on their wrists. [Daily Mail]
• Human wet dream Javier Bardem doesn't know how to use a computer. Let me teach you, Javier!! You won't even feel my aggressive Sex Breath on the back of your neck. [Monsters and Critics]
• Kim Kardashian is wearing a promise ring Kanye West gave to her. [Yahoo Entertainment]
• Watch Ke$ha's new video for "Die Young" because this is how she describes it: "Well it's about me being a cult leader at the end of the world, and everybody else is kind of being scared and hiding." In other words, Thursday. [YouTube]
• Leonardo DiCaprio is selling his Malibu beachfront house for a gajillion dollars. [LA Times]
• There's a Breaking Bad porn parody. What what no no no. [Vulture]
• Demi Lovato said she expected Britney Spears to be a diva, but actually she's really "quirky" (way to put it mildly, Ms. Lovato). [People]
• A topless Lady Gaga carried a melon (DIRTY DANCING) on a balcony. [Us Weekly]
• The funny thing about this picture of Justin B33bo getting kissed on each cheek by Victoria's Secret models is that my dad has exactly the same shot in his bar mitzvah album from 1965 except it's two awkward girls from Canarsie and he looks really uncomfortable. True story. [Us Weekly]
• Meanwhile, Victoria's Secret model Candice Swanepoel is getting a lot of attention for Tweeting a picture of her concave stomach. [Us Weekly]
• Anna Faris's kid! [Us Weekly]
• President Peña Nieto of Mexico has bought 70 One Direction tickets. We're there now. [Ocean Up]
• Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy are still in touch. [Page Six]